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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to continue to share parenting when I get home from work?

38 replies

petnik · 09/07/2009 10:41

Ok this is going to be a long explanation. My DH has been a SAHD to our 2.11 DD for the last 15 months and at first everything was great. However just recently I am starting to feel like a single mum when i'm at home as he never wants to come out with me and DD. I work 4 days a week and on my day off I like to take DD out to give DH a break. However he has also stopped coming out with us at weekends saying he wants time to himself. Well wouldn't we all like time to ourselves!

When I get in from work he completely switches off from his parenting role and I am expected to entertain our DD for the 4 hours before she goes to bed including bathing and putting her to bed. He does nothing with her once I am home as he says he is knackered from entertaining her all day. Well I'm a bit knackered too!

AIBU to want him to share the workload when I get home? IMO we have both done a full day at work ad so should share when I'm home. I tried to explain this last night but he just ended up getting really angry and said that if wanted time to myself i shouldn't have had a baby. I kicked off because I had been out with DD all day only coming home for tea. DH started to fall asleep on the sofa as he does most days around 5:00pm cos he doesn't come to bed as he is on the computer until gone 2 in the morning.

I think he is being a dick but what do you all think and how best to broach the subject again do you think?

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/07/2009 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FimbleHobbs · 09/07/2009 10:50

I know that feeling of working/parenting non stop - my DH works mad shifts so although I work full time I often feel like full time single SAHM too.

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment on both sides and you probably need to do a lot of talking to reach a compromise.

Do you think your DH would rather be at work?

Sounds daft but whens the last time you had a family holiday? - we had a week camping recently and I have to say it has done wonders for us all round.

Try and arrange a time to talk when you're not both knackered, and good luck.

ihavenosecrets · 09/07/2009 10:52

YANBU but I can see his point of view. In the early days I would hand ds to dh as soon as he walked through the door because I just needed a break from parenting.

Weegle · 09/07/2009 10:55

I think what would be fair is if when you come in from work you take over DD for about an hour - he takes himself away and maybe does other 'jobs' e.g. getting dinner ready. This gives him a break from DD and you get to give her some quality time when you get in. From then on you both pick up and go 50/50 on whatever house/childcare needs doing - if he's had enough of her then you do more with her, he runs the bath or whatever. I also think you should both be mucking in 50/50 at the weekends - and if he wants some time to himself then fine, give it to him, but likewise you then also get some time to yourself. I would go mad over the comment about you choosing to have DD - you BOTH chose to have her, what a silly thing to say!

OrmIrian · 09/07/2009 10:56

YYou've both been doing your 'work' during the day. The evening shift should be shared.

Re the weekend and doing things alone, I can ssympathise with him on that. But could you take it in turns to grab me-time?

VinegarTits · 09/07/2009 11:00

Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed? so if he went to work all day then came home and had to do all of the childcare, because you think by that time you have already done your fair share of childcare

He is being ridiculous and getting things way out of perspective, if you both had jobs, then you would both share childcare when you both came home, if the roles were reversed he would expect you to stil continue sharing the childcare when he came home from work, why does he think he can get away with having time to himself once you are home? if he wanted time to himself then he shouldnt have had a child

And staying up until 2am everynight must have a impact on your poor DD, he wouldnt stay up that late if he was going to work everyday, and parenting a toddler is full time work, an employer wouldnt put up with this.

flowerybeanbag · 09/07/2009 11:01

'he just ended up getting really angry and said that if wanted time to myself I shouldn't have had a baby'

So by having a baby you must forfeit time to yourself. But he wants time to himself. Didn't he have the baby as well??

YANBU. Fair enough for him to want a break when you get home, but sharing the evening shift sounds reasonable, and if time on his/your own is important, you can manage that between you, as long as it's fair, so you get some as well.

sleeplessinstretford · 09/07/2009 11:01

i am sahm, i tend to hand the baby to my partner when he gets back so i can drink a hot drink/go for a wee/check my email-just do something that isn't kid related. Sometimes he takes her to the park-i've already done that during the day usually and it'd be nice for them to have some time alone.
I do do split at weekend but in the evening I'd say he does 80% of the baby stuff mainly because he wants to and he hasn't seen her all day.
think you might be being a little bit unreasonable you know?

bubblagirl · 09/07/2009 11:17

why dont you sit down for half hour and then let him cook dinner and spend quality time with your dd he of course needs a break its tough dealing with toddler all day i think on the days you work you should do bed routine so you spend quality time on days you don't work have day with dd and he can do dinner bath and bed you get evenings to yourself he gets some day to himself and on other days do family time

its easy to be resentful when with a child all day and the other person seems less willing to take over and spend quality time without making a big deal about it as you want the other person to have quality time with child not just to give you a break

work it out together yes your at work but your also away from child he needs time away when you get in have bedtime routine on work days he can have bedtime routine on other days and the rest work together its not a competition its a child you should both work together in raising but fairly being at home all day is mentally challenging with a child in a different way to being at work at work you can were alone eat in peace have an hours break and adult conversation tiring yes but not in the same way as being at home

if it was woman needing break when husband come home lots of people would say how he should take over etc

i get annoyed if dp says he needs time to himself and his hardly seen ds as i see it as not wanting to be around him and then i dont get a break make sure its worked on fairly and get a baby sitter one night go out together

bubblagirl · 09/07/2009 11:22

now my dp comes in from work i have ds in pj's if doesn't want bath and dp willingly takes over even if has been at work all day for 7 days and if i want i can pop out with a friend and on the weekend he gets time to himself also

we have had many rows but now we have full understanding and the resentment has gone he wants to spend time with ds he wants to do these things for him when he gets home as he missed out all day on quality time

were both happy with our arrangements and no longer argue about it

bubblagirl · 09/07/2009 11:23

dp and ds like dvd time no work to do there just a snuggle on the sofa together until bed so it doesn't need to be tiring for you relax with a dvd read a book eat dinner do bath and bed

Pitchounette · 09/07/2009 11:27

Message withdrawn

traceybath · 09/07/2009 11:31

You are not being unreasonable.

You should share the childcare/chores when you're both at home.

I'm a SAHM with 2 small children and 37wks pregnant and i do pretty much everything as DH works incredibly long hours and thats the norm for a lot of SAHM's.

He needs to go to bed earlier and you need to spend time together as a family at weekends and both also have time to yourselves.

Its just about being considerate to each other and working out what works for your family situation.

So I'd sit down with him and have a calm discussion - perhaps go out for dinner/drink to do this. Just make it clear that you both need to find the solution that works well for you all.

Did he want to be a SAHD? Just wondered if he's feeling a bit resentful . . .

traceybath · 09/07/2009 11:31

You are not being unreasonable.

You should share the childcare/chores when you're both at home.

I'm a SAHM with 2 small children and 37wks pregnant and i do pretty much everything as DH works incredibly long hours and thats the norm for a lot of SAHM's.

He needs to go to bed earlier and you need to spend time together as a family at weekends and both also have time to yourselves.

Its just about being considerate to each other and working out what works for your family situation.

So I'd sit down with him and have a calm discussion - perhaps go out for dinner/drink to do this. Just make it clear that you both need to find the solution that works well for you all.

Did he want to be a SAHD? Just wondered if he's feeling a bit resentful . . .

mummyrex · 09/07/2009 11:36

Your DH doesn't sound very happy with the way his life is going at the moment

allaboutme · 09/07/2009 11:42

Can you meet somewhere in the middle?
I'm a SAHM and on the odd occasion DH gets home in time to see the DCs before they are in bed I do just tend to hand them over and let him get on with it tbh.
I will always make dinner or do something else that needs doing at the same time though.

Can you chat with him and let him know that you understand his need to switch off from the childcare when you get in. Agree that you'll do bath and bed with her while he prepares dinner for you both?

At weekends you need to spend time together as a family, thats non negotiable.
Perhaps a good compromise here would be to agree that you'll make more of an effort to spend time together as a couple once DD has gone to bed? Perhaps get a babysitter and go out for dinner or to the cinema?
Make sure you each have opportunity to get out alone and see friends too.
I tend to find that when I have a good balance of time with DH and also my friends I cope much better with staying home with the children all day!

Ripeberry · 09/07/2009 11:46

I'm a SAHM during the day and my husband comes home in the evening around 7pm. He will usually play with the children whilst i get dinner ready and then we share the bedtime ritual and baths.
At the weekend we either all go out together or he'll do something in the mornings by himself and i'll take DD1 and DD2 out, he then swaps for the afternoons.
Marriage is all about sharing and making comprimises, just sit him down and have a good old talk.

likessleep · 09/07/2009 11:56

Agree with other posters.
If he wants a kiddy break (which I can totally understand!), can he not sort dinner/tidy up/get bath run/heat up milk whilst you are getting your dd ready for bed.
Then when you've finished, you can both eat tea together?
I can totally understand - when I've been with DS all day, I hand him over to DH when DH gets in. But, I do get on with other 'household' stuff that needs sorting (which if I wasn't such a slattern, would get sorted during the day ).

Reallytired · 09/07/2009 12:12

I think that you need to sit and discuss what both of you want out of life. He may well be intensely unhappy with being a SAHD. Prehaps your husband is suffering from postnatal depression.

I found being a SAHM very socially isolating. The work is never ending and unlike the workplace there is nothing to show for it. Being at home with children carries little respect in our society.

It may well be the best thing to put your daughter in nursery and for your husband to go back to work.

anniemac · 09/07/2009 12:55

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bubblagirl · 09/07/2009 12:57

i agree i made the point that dp wants to spend time with his son when he gets home even if its snuggled on sofa watching dvd its quality time

anniemac · 09/07/2009 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl · 09/07/2009 12:59

oh sorry my mistake missed that too yes get him to do dinner and you spend quality time with dd

Feelingoptimistic · 09/07/2009 13:03

But Anniemac - I don't understand what you are saying. Are you saying that the parent who works should also do all the child care when they are not at work?? That does not make sense.

Feelingoptimistic · 09/07/2009 13:04

anniemac - crossed posts

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