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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to put a fence down the middle of our shared garden?

75 replies

whizzed · 08/07/2009 15:33

We live in a row of terraced houses. Each house is divided into two flats, and each house has a garden which is shared between the two flats.

The garden has a path down the middle, which is the boundry line (the left side for the bottom flat, the right side for the top flat), and a washing line over the pathway - one end for the top flat, the other end for the bottom flat.

I really hate the lack of privacy. The upstairs neighbours don't really use the garden, but I hate it if I'm out there playing with DCs or having a picnic or whatever and the neigbour dodders out to hang out his washing and I have to make polite conversation.

Would it be unreasonable of me to errect a fence down the middle of the garden, so that we would have our own (albeit very long and narrow)private garden?

No other garden in the terrace has done this, and I know that it may well be looked upon as rude and antisocial. We've only lived in the flat for a couple of years and the neighbour has lived here for over forty. What do you think?

OP posts:
FatFree · 08/07/2009 16:11

whizzed you are fighting a losing battle here, clearly YABU and a little odd! 5 whole minutes!!bloody hell you poor soul

pagwatch · 08/07/2009 16:11

You need to just work out some 'excuse me' lines. Like 'well its nice to see you but we must get back to our picnic'.
As for his washing etc. Well to be honest - you bought the flat on those terms, you can't really complain now. A shared garden makes a flat cheaper than a private garden - he hasn't suddenly arrived and changed your access. And he could be some swearing trucker throwing beer cand at his rotweiller.

BTW a boundary does not give you automatic permission for a fence. A fence is a structure that may well need permission

VinegarTits · 08/07/2009 16:13

Why do you need to make it more clearly defined though? why not just say to him 'look i am an introverted snob and your small make tense, so get a tumble drier so i can use my half of the garden in peace'

Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:14

Ok, but one person's Rude Woman Being Mean To A Lonely Old Man, is another person's Socially Uncomfortable Woman Feeling Harrassed Into Converstaion Every Time She Enters Her Garden.

OP posts:
annh · 08/07/2009 16:14

So you go out to play with your children/have a picnic and feel you are forced to be sociable to him for 5 mins while he is hanging out his washing? Yes, YA-still-BU.

Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:15

Ok, but one person's Rude Woman Being Mean To A Lonely Old Man, is another person's Socially Uncomfortable Woman Feeling Harrassed Into Converstaion Every Time She Enters Her Garden.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 08/07/2009 16:16

Its 5 mins out of your day, next you will be telling us he takes two hours to hang up one pair of undies

annh · 08/07/2009 16:17

Honestly, you knew what the situation was when you moved in! If you really are socially uncomfortable, what did you think would happen with a shared garden? Did you even know exactly who lived in the other flat - suppose you ended up with a hairy trucker who hung out with his mates every weekend, having a barbie and swigging beer?

FatFree · 08/07/2009 16:18

Did you, or did you not know, the terms of the shared garden. If you are the kind of person who gets upset at this kind of thing, you need to be living in a detached house in the middle of nowhere.

God forbid you ever needs this families help in the future. You want unsociable neighbours?? try living next to a family who swear constantly, turn their garden into a shit hole for their massive dog and hurl abuse at you just for looking their way.

Been there and done that, and i would have traded places with you in a heartbeat!

LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2009 16:18

bloody hell, that's a bit mean chaps

FWIW I hate making conversation when I don't want to and it would bother me if I was hanging the washing out every day and someone came to talk to me - particularly today as I couldn't be bothered getting dressed and am wearing pj's and have been gardening in them all day

Having said that you can't really erect a fence - but your reason is why I would never share a garden with someone.

I like to potter without being disturbed and I don't like to be sociable unless I choose to.

If I was forced to be in your position I would either have moved or made copious use of the local park by now.

Sympathies

Habbibu · 08/07/2009 16:18

Why don't you just put some nice plants/small shrubs down the line - be pretty and not so blunt as a fence. Washing line over the path sounds like a PITA - are you not always bumping into sheets?

Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:21

I do understand what you're saying.

But I'm not suggesting making any real changes to the way that he uses the garden.

He can still hang out his washing and go out into his "side" of the garden (not that he ever does, really) if he wants.

Just that instead of a path, there will be a fence.

The boundry line is already there.

Your concerns all seem to be that you think I should be providing him with conversation.

Frankly (this is not an AIBU by stealth, btw) he's not that pleasant. Not in any huge way, he's just quite negative and moany, always complaining that there are too many immigrants in the street making too much noise etc. Nothing terrible, but I don't want to have converstaion with someone with whom I've got nothing in common and whom I don't particularly like. I don't dislike him, just... Oh, I don't know!

OP posts:
Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:23

I do understand that it could be a lot worse of course, I know some of you have neighbours from hell and you have my sympathies.

I did know it was shared when we moved in, and it wasn't ideal but it was all we could afford.

I don't really like it and I'm trying to find ways of liking it better.

OP posts:
muddleduck · 08/07/2009 16:24

I don't think that a fence will help with any of this and will just make the atmosphere more awkward.

beckysharp · 08/07/2009 16:25

I never understand people who are not very sociable (which is fine) but simultaneously are completely unassertive. If you don't want to talk to him, just say "Hello" then turn back to whatever you are doing. Why feel self-conscious? If you don't want to engage with him socially, then don't. He might think you are rude, but if you aren't interested in knowing him, what does it matter?

YABU though. You knew the deal when you bought the flat, and he really isn't doing anything wrong. But then what do I know? I relish any chance to chat with anyone and everyone, so perhaps not the best person to answer this question... I'm probably the kind of neighbour you would post here complaining about!

VinegarTits · 08/07/2009 16:25

'not AIBU by stealth' its exactly that, next you will be saying hes a member of the BNP, hoping we will all be like 'get a fence, a 10 ft one'

I can't see what diffence a fence with make anyway, unless its a 6ft one, and if you a planning to erect a 6ft fence into a shared garden yabvu

Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:29

No, of course he's not BNP. As I said, he's not awful, just a product of his class and generation. But this mans that I have NOTHING in common with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:31

The fence would make it easier for me to just say "hi" then get on with whatever I'm doing.

The way I do with the neighbours on the other side. (there is a fence either side of the shared garden, dividing it from the shared gardens of the houses on either side IYSWIM).

OP posts:
kathyis6incheshigh · 08/07/2009 16:31

Do what Habbibu said - plant shrubs.
Or anything tall - trellises of runner beans, hollyhocks, nicotiana sylvestris, bamboo - lots of easy ways to make a barrier without making an unfriendly statement and turning the garden into a tunnel.

Original poster
whizzed · 08/07/2009 16:34

Yes, perhaps shrubs would be a better option. Thank you for that suggestion Habbibu and Kathy.

Don't know much about gardening...are there tall things that stay tall and barrier like all year?

OP posts:
meakin · 08/07/2009 16:41

I would build a little narrow summer house type thing with the back to his side of the garden and you can hide in there when you need to. Also some low long window box type things along your side of the path but not all at once, do it gradually so they won't take offence. I would feel the same but a fence is too rude, you want to make it look like you are just a very keen gardener and fill the space so you can hardly see him through your jungle!

meakin · 08/07/2009 16:41

Bamboo good.

crazylizzy · 08/07/2009 16:43

It's a tough one I will admit. Yes I think you should make more of an effort with this old man, I mean is him being around in the background really that bad? Surely not, he sounds friendly and I think you should make more of an effort with him and maybe get to know him better and maybe build bit of a friendship with him.

On the flip side, I can understand your need for privacy, sometimes when I'm in my garden enjoying the sun I like to lie around in my comfort clothing (unflattering, faded, wash out, never-to-be-seen-dead-in trash... ), with my top rolled up trying to tan my monstrosity of a post-baby belly, and I think if I had someone there, as nice as they were, it would slightly annoy me if I'm honest

Can't decide IYBU or N, sorry. I'm on the fence on this one, pun intended

Habbibu · 08/07/2009 16:47

Make the planting something to do with your DCs - training fruit canes, beans etc on trellis will look like a nice planting project, rather than get-orf-moi-land stuff. It'll be a fun thing to do, be pretty and not offensive. And you may get lots of nice fruit, veg and flowers!

Nekabu · 08/07/2009 16:51

YABU. You should have either paid more and had a private garden or, if you couldn't afford/didn't want to pay the extra, put up with the fact you have a shared garden and that the other flat owner does expect to share it. To have bought a flat with a shared garden and then moan and try to turn it into a private garden because you don't want to share it after all is very cheeky.