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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell redundant DH that I really want him to get a job?

63 replies

geekfreak · 07/07/2009 12:56

A bit of background: DH was made redundant from city job a few months ago. He's trying really hard to get another job but it's really hard out there. I have been very patient and supportive since it happened, and have picked up a lot of extra work to the point that I am now working full-time plus some more.

I am now pg and at the very tired stage, and said last week in a wistful manner that I really wanted him to get a job. He took this as a massive criticism, and it took me all evening to persuade him that I wasn't saying it was his fault, just that I found the situation tiring and frustrating, and I am also very anxious about it (haven't slept very well since he lost his job).

I am also a bit frustrated that I am still doing a lot of childcare runs (DD is in childcare three days a week) and a lot of the stuff round the house (washing, cooking, sorting out stuff) but if I suggest that he could do a bit more, DH claims that I am trying to turn him into a house husband (which I am not! I just want to not be working so much with a massive commute and doing so much round the house because I'm exhausted).

Sorry for long post, but views welcome...

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 07/07/2009 17:19

Have read thread now and see that I agree with most other people.

catinthehat2 · 07/07/2009 17:42

Oh where is SGB and that polemic she links to at times like this. I just can't locate it. You know the one, about "Women's" work

throckenholt · 07/07/2009 17:46

I have only skimmed the thread. But I would firstly say to him to calm down - and accept you are exhausted and you are allowed to wish he had a job. Just as you realise he wishes he had a job - not something either of you have much control over.

I would also then have a strategic bout of exhaustion - so when you come home from work you go to bed - and don't do any house work. He should be adult enough to realise it is a tough time for you both and he should be pulling his weight at home (even if he was working he should be helping around the home - particularly while you are pregnant).

theyoungvisiter · 07/07/2009 19:08

actually I agree with throckenholt - play up your pregnancy and exhaustion - you have a golden opportunity here to get him to take responsibility for stuff.

If you can't get him to help out now, when you're pregnant, exhausted and working a 50 hour week, then I don't think you've got a hope in hell later on.

Collapse. Faint. Go to bed at 6pm. Do whatever it takes to underline to him that you are run ragged and he is doing jack.

Milliways · 07/07/2009 19:19

GeekFreek - you have my symapthies. Apart from the pregnant bit yours could have been MY post a few months ago.

I was terribly frustrated that DH did NO housework AT ALL whilst home (August until April!) as looking for a job was a full time job. He hated having to visit the JSA etc, and hated being unemployed, but after a few months I just wanted a bit of support and he felt that would be giving up.

Luckily, he now has a contract and is back to working 24/7 - but I got soo fed up with everyone saying "how nice" it must be to have DH cooking, cleaning etc, and I was too embarrassed to admit he was NOT.

Acinonyx · 07/07/2009 19:29

I can never really get my head around how this happens.

Don't take the kids to daycare. If he'd rather they were home with him that's his lookout - I reckon he will soon get the hang of the daycare run. Jut DON'T do it.

And so on.

BabyBump2B · 07/07/2009 20:07

I think its really hard. We were 4 months pregnant when DH got laid off and he's been looking and had a few odd days but the reality is that there isn't really anything out there right now so its going to take a while.

He has stepped up the situation at home but now I'm heading off on mat leave and we'll both be at home he sometimes "forgets" to do stuff because I'm around.

You need to talk about it and explain to him that while he's home these are the "home" jobs and he needs to do them until he's back at work.

I also think what you said was incredibly insensitive and probably came more from you wishing he would help out. DH would be devestated if I said that to him!

catinthehat2 · 07/07/2009 20:44

At last, SolidGoldBrass has come up with the goods. This is a must read article she often links to on the politics of housework
Highly recommended.

Judy1234 · 08/07/2009 09:38

The secret is not to ask for help. It's to allocate tasks the other person is 100% responsbile for most of the time. So my children's father was the person who did washing for 10 years. I think there would have been a period when I wouldnt' have known how to work the washer or dishwasher and I plaited the girls;' h air, got school bag ready etc I did the tax returns. he took the children to the dentist. I wouldn't even consider when the time for teh appointments was as that was 100% his job, nothing to do with me. Probably really come when you want help rather than - you are now inc harge of the washing. I will not be touching the washing machine or clothes when dry until you are back at work full time.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2009 14:46

Xenia makes a good point there regarding taking 100% responsibility for something

My DH helps a lot around the house, and never complains, but he still needs the occasional "nudge" and reminders and waits to be asked.

It would be nice to sometimes not have to have this mental spreadsheet, knowing where every task is up to.

To just scrub it totally from your mind must be great.

RenagadeMum · 08/07/2009 14:48

Sorry, but if he is at home then he is being a house husband if you are going out to work.

And what is wrong with that?!

He has to be just as supportive of you as you do of him. You can't do it all if you are working full time, doing the childcare runs etc.

I know his ego is bruised and he needs sensitivity but he also needs to look after you too.

limonchik · 08/07/2009 15:31

In my household tasks are split. I do all the laundry and change bedding, DP does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking out bins. I don't need to keep track of what he's doing or remind him to do anything, he manages himself (as do I).

Judy1234 · 08/07/2009 19:42

I think what limonchik writes is the best way. If a job isn't in your line of sight, isn't within your job description of course you won't suddenly remember it has to be done whereas if you know you do the washing and once a day you put all that stuf in the machine and have to hang it out after and no one else is ever going to do it then you just get on with doing it.

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