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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell redundant DH that I really want him to get a job?

63 replies

geekfreak · 07/07/2009 12:56

A bit of background: DH was made redundant from city job a few months ago. He's trying really hard to get another job but it's really hard out there. I have been very patient and supportive since it happened, and have picked up a lot of extra work to the point that I am now working full-time plus some more.

I am now pg and at the very tired stage, and said last week in a wistful manner that I really wanted him to get a job. He took this as a massive criticism, and it took me all evening to persuade him that I wasn't saying it was his fault, just that I found the situation tiring and frustrating, and I am also very anxious about it (haven't slept very well since he lost his job).

I am also a bit frustrated that I am still doing a lot of childcare runs (DD is in childcare three days a week) and a lot of the stuff round the house (washing, cooking, sorting out stuff) but if I suggest that he could do a bit more, DH claims that I am trying to turn him into a house husband (which I am not! I just want to not be working so much with a massive commute and doing so much round the house because I'm exhausted).

Sorry for long post, but views welcome...

OP posts:
limonchik · 07/07/2009 14:10

You're comment was pretty insensitive - my DP is unemployed at the moment too, so I know how you feel. I'm finding the pressure of being the only breadwinner pretty stressful and I'm not even pregnant. I wish DP would get a job too, and I even feel sometimes that he's not trying hard enough and if it was me I would be employed by now, but I also know he is trying and he's feeling quite depressed about it too.

However, your DH is the househusband at the moment. Your job is going out to work, his is housework/childcare. My DP does everything around the house, all the cooking, shopping, gets up before me in the morning to make breakfast, and looks for a job. Your situation is changed but it doesn't really matter what work each partner is doing so long as you're both contributing equally.

limonchik · 07/07/2009 14:10

You're comment was pretty insensitive - my DP is unemployed at the moment too, so I know how you feel. I'm finding the pressure of being the only breadwinner pretty stressful and I'm not even pregnant. I wish DP would get a job too, and I even feel sometimes that he's not trying hard enough and if it was me I would be employed by now, but I also know he is trying and he's feeling quite depressed about it too.

However, your DH is the househusband at the moment. Your job is going out to work, his is housework/childcare. My DP does everything around the house, all the cooking, shopping, gets up before me in the morning to make breakfast, and looks for a job. Your situation is changed but it doesn't really matter what work each partner is doing so long as you're both contributing equally.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 14:36

Hi Libras, I was assuming that the OP and her DH had not actually DISCUSSED who was to be in charge of housework etc once he wasn't working. (I assume he was given some notice prior to being made redundant?). He can't be expected to guess that he's suddenly required to do everything at home; I know he should do it but he's a different species bloke so he just doesn't "get" it by himself.
If, however, he had agreed to be "househusband" and was going back on his promise, then I agree with you!

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 07/07/2009 14:39

But it shouldn't need discussing and yes if he is a mature adult male with some reasoning capabilites he should be expected to guess that if his wife is working fulltime then maybe he should pull his weight around the house.

You know why guys don't "get it" because we let them get away with it.

Original poster
geekfreak · 07/07/2009 14:42

Notplaying, I have juggled more than one pt job since DD was born so it is easy to pick up extra work (though I hasten to add that I get paid a lot less than DH). DH is more senior and specialised so it is harder for him. He is applying outside the city, but I work a long way away so there are certain practical considerations over him commuting more than an hour.

MummyDragon I have to say that I'm not going to go down the "I do my stuff and let him do his", it's just not me and I don't think is a good way for us to live (or DD to witness).

DH is allergic to lists (unlike me, I love them!) but I think we do need to find a better way forward, otherwise I think I'm going to have some kind of breakdown. I just need to work out how to do it...

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to mull it over and try and be more sensitive yet assertive.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 07/07/2009 14:44

I agree any reasonable adult ought to be able to work out by themselves that the person not working is also the person that does the housework/childcare runs.

Of course the OP and her DH need to discuss it, but I agree with Libra no extra leeway needs to be given or allowances made just because he happens to be male. Men are not a different species when it comes to taking responsibility around the house unless women allow them to be.

Judy1234 · 07/07/2009 14:46

Some women live like women under the Taliban. How can you tolerate for a day such al azy so and so making you do most work. Get a grip. He is hoem. He does all the home things, all the collectino of children. End of story. Most women would not tolerate what you seem to be enabling but don't be nasty.

Just say you're pregnant and tired and these are now his jobs. Then don't do them for him, don't remind or nag ihm about them but never ever do them. After he's been late for the child a few times or the toilets go brown with dirt or there are no clean clothes or food in the house he'll soon get on with his tasks like a normal person.

SecretNinjaChipmunk · 07/07/2009 14:53

ok, i've not every post but have scaned most. your dp is being totally unreasonable at not doing house stuff etc so i would do as another poster suggessted and just do your and dc's stuff so let him see what needs to be done. however my dp says similar things every now and then about wanting me to get a job (i got made redundant in november) and its very difficult not to take it as criticism, provided he is doing all he can to look for something (obv if he's sat on his arse playing computer games its a diff matter). ds is at nursery 2 afternoons and i do the housework and the cooking and shopping as well as job hunting everyday. it is nto fair for my dp to work full time and still do those things. when i am eventually sucessful in getting a new job then it will be evened out a bit. but only then. its very easy to get a bit depressed when your job hunting, especially when there is nto even much in the way of temp work going around either.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 14:54

So OP has to suffer brown toilets and the children have to suffer being abandoned at nursery a few times, rather than the OP reminding him to do it...??!!!

DrunkenDaisy · 07/07/2009 14:55

Sorry but I think he sounds like a lazy fucker. How dare he treat you like this when you're not only working 50+ hours, but preggers too!!!

What a twat being 'allergic to lists'. Tell him what you want doing by the time you get home, and that if he hasn't done it you'll cut his balls off.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 14:59

I always love reading Xenia's posts.

But I maintain, and will do until my daying day, that men and women are intrinsically different. It's a biological fact. Men are programmed to hunt and women to gather/nurture. Most men over the age of 30 do find it difficult to be proactive when confronted with "traditional" women's roles. Doesn't make them bad people; it makes them annoying to live with, so surely we'd be better off explaining what they need to do, rather than festering in our own annoyance until they work it out for themselves?

As I also believe that nurture is as important as nature, as mothers of boys we absolutely must instill into our sons the importance of doing their fair share around the house, be it earning money, housework, childcare, whatever, and to try to be proactive. Perhaps we can go some way to breaking this inbuilt mental block with the next generation!

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 07/07/2009 15:01

Actually I agree that men and women are intrinsically different but that is still no excuse in the 21st century to treat your wife like a pregnant skivvy whilst you sit there in your underpants scratching your balls and playing PS3.

limonchik · 07/07/2009 15:15

I must have been incredibly lucky with my DP then, as he seems to be a fully functioning adult human rather than an incompetent domestic halfwit who needs nagging and cajoling into performing every day tasks.

DrunkenDaisy · 07/07/2009 15:19

Me too. Me and my DH are equals.

This thread has honestly left me gobsmacked.

belgo · 07/07/2009 15:25

at Xenia's posts , unfortunately there are many men who would not notice browning toilets and when they do, will still blame the wife

Sallypuss · 07/07/2009 15:29

YANBU

I've been in a very similar situation for a few years now and DH has accepted (at first reluctantly as he's such a 'man's man' IYKWIM) that he has to do his share (and more) of the work at home if I'm out earning the money. DH is still looking for work but we've struck a (relatively) happy medium.

However difficult it is, women are increasingly the breadwinners in these hard times and men have to step up to the plate to take on some of the 'domestic' work. It's about being a partnership.

moondog · 07/07/2009 15:38

What's he do all day then if he does nothing around the house?

I would not have married my dh nor had children with him unless I was 1000% sure he would pull his weight at all times and he does.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 15:48

It's not a valid excuse *Libras", I agree, but it does go some way to explaining why so many men are like this - particularly if (like my DH) they never had to lift a finger round the house when they lived with their mummies.

Once I lured him away from his mother got my hands on DH I trained him pretty sharpish!

There's no harm / shame in teaching a man how to do housework, look after kids etc - if you do it properly you should only need to teach him once - it's just a shame that the poor OP is preggers, knackered, working loads of extra hours AND dealing with a hacked-off spouse at the same time.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 15:48

It's not a valid excuse *Libras", I agree, but it does go some way to explaining why so many men are like this - particularly if (like my DH) they never had to lift a finger round the house when they lived with their mummies.

Once I lured him away from his mother got my hands on DH I trained him pretty sharpish!

There's no harm / shame in teaching a man how to do housework, look after kids etc - if you do it properly you should only need to teach him once - it's just a shame that the poor OP is preggers, knackered, working loads of extra hours AND dealing with a hacked-off spouse at the same time.

MummyDragon · 07/07/2009 15:49

I felt so strongly that I had to post it twice sorry

expatinscotland · 07/07/2009 16:48

'I would not have married my dh nor had children with him unless I was 1000% sure he would pull his weight at all times and he does. '

Exactly, moondog! He wouldn't dream of treating that way because he knows a) I'd never treat him like that b) I'd never put up with behaviour like that.

Luck has zero to do with it. I wasn't put on this Earth to mollycoddle someone just because they have a penis anymore than I'd expect it out of someone else.

Where are all these cocklodgers these women are married to/partnered up with? So that I can point them out to my kids as someone to leave skidmarks from.

I've got a son and daughters, and no, there's no psychbabble BS in this house because one of them happens to have a penis.

This is 2009, not 1950.

When you're not working and you've got kids are part of a household unit, then you do the lion's share of the household chores.

I mean, duh!

moondog · 07/07/2009 16:49

If I had my time again, I'd have married Expat.
She takes no shit.

expatinscotland · 07/07/2009 16:53

Way I see it, moony, I don't dish it out, either, so don't see any reason why I should take it just because I have a pussy.

expatinscotland · 07/07/2009 16:56

I agree with Xenia, there'd be no need to be nasty. It'd be 'these are your jobs now' and end of.

ScummyMummy · 07/07/2009 17:11

Poor you guys. Hard situation for you both. I'm afraid I think he should absolutely definitely take charge of the vast majority of housework and childcare while he isn't working and you are taking on extra- don't envy him as I hate housework and the idea of it being mainly my responsibility is an anathama. Nonetheless if one person is homebased for a while and the other isn't it's not really fair for the working person to come home to loads of housework drudgery. However, I'm not surprised he got a bit upset at the wish he'd find work comment, tbh. Sounds like it came out wrong and he's bound to feel sensitive if he's trying hard but getting nowhere. Think ypou were right to backtrack and grovel on that one. Hope he finds something soon.