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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want someone to at least ask how I am every now and then.

40 replies

dizzymare · 05/07/2009 23:52

This is going to be self indulgent, but in all fairness I don't normally make a point of moaning about stuff .
Personally I guess you could say I've had a pretty crap year, with the most recent thing being two family bereavements, each within weeks of each other. Both of these people meant a great deal to me, infact I would go as far as to say I learnt alot of my life skills from one in particular, and he was my godfather.

So not only have I had that going on, but this time last year I as very unwell, I guess I'm still recovering but am certainly more able to do stuff than I was this time last year.

And this is where my moan is coming. Because people can see you're alright on the outside, doesn't mean you're alright on the inside, and If I'm totally honest I'm fed up with being the one sorting everyone else out/dropping things to help. It's my own fault maybe? Maybe I've been too quick to step up in the past. But just for once I need someone to look at me and ask how I am.

Sorry for being so self absorbed, and thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Meglet · 05/07/2009 23:59

Its not self indulgent you really need to slow down a bit, you don't always have to do things for other people. You've had a rough year, I don't blame you for wanting people to acknowledge it.

Can you open up to anyone in RL. Not neccesarily to pour your heart out but to let off some steam that you're feeling the pressure and not still 100%.

Original poster

dizzymare · 06/07/2009 00:10

I did talk about stuff I had going on with my bestfriend, but I haven't really talked for months. And maybe that's the problem, because I'm not talking people presume I'm fine. But, and here's the big but, I have been trying so hard to be fine, that I've stopped talking, so I suppose I've created this myself haven't I.

OP posts:

MyDHhasnomemory · 06/07/2009 00:30

I know exactly where you are coming from Sorry things have been tough. perhaps if you tell people how you are feeling they will be more supportive than you think.

Original poster

dizzymare · 06/07/2009 09:58

The thing is I think if I suddenly announced how I'm feeling, now, after all this time people will think that I'm not managing. And it's not that at all, I am, but I just need someone to look me in the eye and wait for me to be truthful. I was thinking about this alot overnight, and I think I almost came to the conclusion that if people see you looking well groomed etc, they think you're doing alright. Maybe I need to stop looking tidy, then people might realise.

Again though, I think it boils down to my own confidence, and that's what's stopping me saying what is really going on.

God that was a load of waffle

OP posts:

MummyDragon · 06/07/2009 13:32

No 'twas not a load of waffle, and you're absolutely right. I had a bit of a breakdown nearly a year after my dad died, but none of my friends realised because I hid it so well.

The moral of the story is: you do have to tell people that you need their support, as if you look fine, people assume you're fine.

YANBU though

TheChilliMoose · 06/07/2009 13:49

It's not self-indulgent at all. It is difficult to admit sometimes that you are not 100%, even if you want to.

BrieVanDerKamp · 06/07/2009 14:07

YANBU,

BUT, i have had experience of this myself, i think sometimes people don't know what to say to you or are worried that if they ask it will upset you.

A few years ago while my 2 eldest were at pimary school my son died when he was born, my husband died a year later, then i had m/c a couple of weeks after husbands funeral.

Mums at the school didn't talk to me for ages, apart from friends, I was a social outcast, they just don't know what to say or do.

If really pissed me off at the time, but they're probably just trying to think of your feelings by not asking if you're ok. I know thats a bit arse about face though

2rebecca · 06/07/2009 14:22

I don't go round asking recently bereaved people if they are OK because I'd feel I was being intrusive and prying. I'd be concerned the other person was struggling to cope and would get upset if asked about their bereavement if they weren't in the frame of mind to discuss it at that time, and would feel I was digging up unpleasant emotions they'd rather keep under control.
If you want to talk about how you are to your friends then just start talking to them. They aren't mind readers and are probably just not wanting to dig and pry.

Fruitysunshine · 06/07/2009 17:34

It gives you a nice feeling when somebody cares enough to want to ask you how you are. So when you are feeling bad inside then just something as little as "How are you today?, what's your news?" can do wonders to give you a little lift.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is human nature to want to feel loved and cared for.

Original poster

dizzymare · 06/07/2009 19:28

It's not even that I don't feel loved and cared for, I do, but to alot of people I'm the one who can fix situations, act the fool, listen to their problems, be everything to everyone.And I've had just about as much as I can take. Someone once said it was like wearing 'a mask', and I've obviously become far too good with 'my mask'.

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 07/07/2009 10:49

You have to question why you are wearing a mask then. Don't you like who you really are underneath? Maybe if people saw the real you, you may feel differently?

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 11:18

The real me wants to stay shut away, behind closed curtains, not communicating, or having to get dressed. Which doesn't sound too great really. The mask allows me to function in a normal way, and if I let it slip I really don't know what would happen. People would probably run a mile, so they don't have to 'deal' with me I suppose.

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 07/07/2009 13:56

dizzymare - it sounds like there is something within you you are not dealing with. Those things you describe are similar symptoms I used to get before I fell into depression. You don't have to feel like that to function normally you know...........

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 16:18

You're probably right Fruitysunshine, but dealing with them means me opening up again, which means me falling in a heap again. Basically I'll be right back to square one, which isn't where I want to be at all. And all I want is someone to ask me how I am, so I can be truthful, I mean suddenly coming out with it all just isn't me iukwim.

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 07/07/2009 18:30

It sounds like you probably need to schedule some time for a breakdown dizzymare! That way you can receive all the real help that you need. It is such a shame that you cannot talk freely to your friends about how you feel. You could always contact me via my profile!

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 22:51

Maybe I do Fruitysunshine, thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

OP posts:

Claire2009 · 07/07/2009 22:52

Dizzymare, How are you?

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 23:00

Hi, sorry I don't know who you are, or have we spoken on another thread. I've got a terrible memory

OP posts:

Claire2009 · 07/07/2009 23:04

We haven't, I'm not that regular on here, mainly evenings. But as you're thread title said you wanted someone to at least ask how you are, I thought I'd ask

tattifer · 07/07/2009 23:06

dizzymare - not a load of waffle at all, and I really feel for you.

I've had two miscarriages in the last eight months and don't like being asked how I am because I just don't know. I'm getting on with it trying for another etc etc but this morning I just burst into tears on the way to work. Woman on the edge!

How are you? The question is easy but do you know what your answer would be?

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 23:06

Sorry, I feel a bit stupid now

I'm not doing that badly tonight thankyou, hot and bothered like everyone I imagine, and hoping to get some sleep soon.

Thankyou for asking, you're the first person who has in a long while.

OP posts:

EyePeam · 07/07/2009 23:17

dizzymare, I'm right with you. I totally understand where you're coming from because I'm there too. DH died 2.5 yrs ago when I was pg with ds and I have never really taken the mask off with friends and now they all think I'm ok, I think. and there is no way i can bring myself to ring anyone up and just come out with it and tell them so I say nothing and I so wish that someone would ask me properly, at the right time ... and if someone just took the time to very slowly and gently sit with me and ask, and wait for an answer, and look me in the eye and stay silent then perhaps I would tell them and start to let some of it out again.

I would so love to hide away and not see anyone but when you have children it is impossible. just impossible to shut down to the extent that you need to, to take as long as you want to be down, dark and depressed, to not have to surface. to switch off and just wallow in all the emotions because you need to - rather than pull yourself together because you have to get up in the morning to deal with other people's needs and expectations.

other bereaved people I have talked to online call it the "Eleanor Rigby" face -
"Eleanor Rigby [...] Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door."

Now that was all about me so I apologise for that - but I hope that it also serves to demonstrate that you're not alone in feeling this way. not sure what to do about it though - not sure there is an answer because it's so hard if you're suffering and it's hard to know what to do if you're a friend.

a post above is eye-opening - about people not wanting to intrude or "upset" you about your bereavement. Hard to know how you could possibly be made more "upset" but that's the perspective from the non-bereaved I guess. don't know til you've been there ...

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 23:34

Tattifer and Eyepeam, I'm so sorry to read what you two ahve been through. My stuff seems very trivial compared to what you two are dealing with, and going through.

But Eyepeam, what you said about wanting someone to sit and listen, wait for an answer is exactly what I think I need. The thing is though, it never happens, and I can't see it happening either, all the time I'm wearing this mask. And letting it slip puts me in a position were I'm going to feel even more vunerable, so either way I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:

Original poster

dizzymare · 07/07/2009 23:34

have been through

OP posts:

EyePeam · 07/07/2009 23:37

hey don't think that what you're going through qualifies you less in any way - bereavement and illness are horrible things to cope with and if you need someone to listen you need someone to listen.

hope you are feeling a little brighter. I do just for having opened up a little bit here...

off to bed but will keep an eye for you and be back to ask how you're doing soon ...

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