To want someone to at least ask how I am every now and then.

[dizzymare]

This is going to be self indulgent, but in all fairness I don't normally make a point of moaning about stuff .
Personally I guess you could say I've had a pretty crap year, with the most recent thing being two family bereavements, each within weeks of each other. Both of these people meant a great deal to me, infact I would go as far as to say I learnt alot of my life skills from one in particular, and he was my godfather.

So not only have I had that going on, but this time last year I as very unwell, I guess I'm still recovering but am certainly more able to do stuff than I was this time last year.

And this is where my moan is coming. Because people can see you're alright on the outside, doesn't mean you're alright on the inside, and If I'm totally honest I'm fed up with being the one sorting everyone else out/dropping things to help. It's my own fault maybe? Maybe I've been too quick to step up in the past. But just for once I need someone to look at me and ask how I am.

Sorry for being so self absorbed, and thanks for reading.

You too EyePeam, take care and thanks

Hi dizzymare

How are you today?

Hi MummyDragon

I'm not really sure today, I've had a stroppy toddler but we at least managed to get out to a Toddler group, which meant I got to drink a coffee to the bottom I'm a little weighed down, but I'm tired so that's got a whole load to do with it tbh. There may be wine tonight

Thanks for asking me

I hope you're well stuck in to your second or third bottle glass now, dizzymare

Hope you have a good sleep and feel lots brighter tomorrow and post on here if you need to!

how are you today dizzy?

I've had a few glasses of a rather nice white grenache, not that it's helped Now I just feel relaxed and crap, almost in an 'I don't care' kind of way, never mind. There's another day tomorrow, and all that crap

I'm struggling more than I thought I was, after bursting into tears on the Tesco delivery man today, all because I dropped a bag Maybe I will make a doctors appointment tomorrow, or is that today

I skimmed through your thread earlier this week wanting to post but got interrupted and didn't get back to it.

Do go to the Dr's.

I have some idea how you feel - am very good at "wearing the mask" and looking well groomed and together so people assume I'm fine. I had horrible PND after DS's birth but just kept carrying on, looking fine on the outside, with a very loved well-cared-for baby to show off but on the inside I was really struggling and didn't know how to just come out with it and say so. Finally went to my GP who, thank God, was having an "on" day and was great. Then I learned how to say "I'm really not having such a good day" if people asked how I was, which A LOT of people found very disconcerting. I've heard "but you always look so together" from lost of people. And I also learned that some people are easily made uncomfortable by the truth to "how are you" if the truth is "not so good today". Which is sad.

So - how are you today? How are you coping? Do you need to talk? Or your hand held?

Jacksmama thank you.
Well I'm still awake, well watching a film, I don't seem to be doing much sleeping just of late. Which does make getting through the day, with a willful toddler a bit of a struggle sometimes. I've been trying to think of how I can get across how I've been feeling lately, and I can only sum it up in one word really, and that's 'trapped'. But not physically iukwim, kind of in my own head if that makes sense.
I so want to be able to just let it all go but, and there's always a but, If I do I've still got to try and get through my day. Which is all very well and good when it's only yourself to worry about isn't it. I'm waffling again

No, you're not waffling, and I think the major reason why you're keeping it together is for your little one. I kept it together much longer than I might have before, when thinking of and taking care of DS was my priority. I found that what was happening with me was less important than he was - not just to everyone else, but to me!

If I'm interpreting it right, I think you might be feeling trapped in your head because you're not telling anyone how much you're struggling, so it's only you talking to yourself (so to speak) and we tend not to have the clearest perspective on our own problems... so, no-one to listen, no-one to maybe give advice, no-one to share the emotional burden = lonely and trapped feeling.

Do you have anyone in your life to whom you could say "I've been struggling a bit. Could I tell you about it, and would you listen?"

I also found I was put off telling people how I was feeling because a lot of people didn't like to hear me out, they wanted to immediately jump in and "fix me". "You should do this, you should do that, do this and you'll feel better, do that and you'll feel better." I didn't like that, it made me feel like a problem to be solved.

Would a (((HUG))) help?

I have got people I could talk to, but they all think I'm doing ok, heard it all before, moved on etc. I guess it's me losing face so to speak, and making myself look vunerable again which is holding me back. And pride . I know they'd listen, but their own awkwardness would soon mean we 'move on' iukwim, so I end up feeling in limbo not knowing whether to carry on or shut up

more waffle

Oh. Yes. I understand. People who have heard your troubles before and now it's months later and they think you should be "over it". Not realizing or wanting to realize that sometimes it takes longer to "get over it" than the socially acceptable interval.

I'm not saying that this is the solution for everyone, it may not be right for you and I really don't want you to think I'm just trying to "fix you" (disclaimer over) but it really sounds to me like you should speak with your GP (if you have a sympathetic one) and tell him/ her how much your struggling. That "trapped" feeling you mentioned sounds to me very much like my case of (post-natal) depression with anxiety thrown in. In your case it would be more of a reactive depression - you've had a horrible year, you've been grieving, you were ill last year and it sounds like you're still not completely well, and you've got a little one to run around after... who wouldn't be emotionally exhausted?
When I balked at the idea of taking antidepressants/ anti-anxiety meds (because I had this idea that only wimpy people mooned about complaining of depression) my GP told me that in her experience, when there's been a huge amount of stress in a relatively short period of time, your body and brain become exhausted. She explained the whole interaction between your brain and your adrenal glands and how your body becomes flooded with stress hormones which causes your brain to have to respond with more serotonin and norepinephrine to counteract the stress, and after a while, neither brain nor body can keep up with the amount of stress and you've depleted your "gas tank", so to speak. In cases like that, ADs/AAs are more of a "supplement" (not quite, of course, but you get the idea) to help recharge you.

Anyway, now I don't mean to be waffling along, but, although I was really resistant to the idea at first, once I started taking them, I really wished I'd gone to her a long time before, because they made such a difference.
I also saw a lovely therapist who helped me deal with the events of DS's birth (which is what caused my PND) - maybe that's an option, too?

All of which is not to say that we won't hold your hand on here, too!!!

So how are you today?

I still haven't made a call to my doctors, which I said I wanted/needed to maybe do today. It's a mind over matter thing, and it's just a phone call yet I can't bring myself to do it. Last night was a bad night, and I feel particularly tired today, because I had a dream/nightmare whatever you want to call it that some 'people' were trying to get me, and were throwing spears and other things at me from the roof of a garage. I can't even remember what they looked like except a few of them were wearing hoods . I was watching the film '40yr old virgin' before bed so thats clearly not connected, so I can't think where it could have come from. It's times like this I wish I had one of those books that tells you what your dreams are about!

I'm hopefully seeing a good friend later, so if I can I'll try and dip my toe in and see whether she'll be receptive to me talking.

I'm just about staying on top of things today, so I really appreciate you asking me

Good luck with talking to your friend. Will be thinking of you.
(((HUG))) to get through your day!!

Thanks for the hug!

I didn't get a chance to dip my toe in, because she was stressed out with her children, who were doing anything and everything to wind her up