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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want people to congratulate me on finding out DC2's gender instead of...

56 replies

angel1976 · 30/06/2009 22:17

asking if I am going to go for a third??? I know people have complained about this before but I am feeling so annoyed. Found out yesterday that DC2 is going to be a boy. Already have the cutest, most adorable DS1 ever (I know, I know, I am his mum afterall! ) and am pleased that we will have two boys so close in age (20 months). Pregnancy first time was a nightmare involving high risk nuchal, two CVS tests, heart scans, growth scans, you named it, we had it. So for us to end up with a very healthy and happy DS, we know we are very lucky! So far, this pregnancy looks healthy and non-problematic so far and as long as the bubba is healthy, I couldn't care less about the gender.

DH and I only ever want two. Yes, would be nice to have a girl but personally for me, it would be nicer to have two of the same gender. DH and I both have siblings of opposite gender and 4/5 years gap so never felt very close to them. In fact, I have female cousins I grow up with that I consider my 'sisters' and god knows how much I wished they were my real sisters growing up!

So it really annoys me when we told the inlaws yesterday after the scan about the news, and said how pleased I was to be having two boys who will (hopefully) be close and play together. MIL's reactions ranged from 'oh, how are you going to cope with two boys?' and when I said it would be nice for DS1 to have a brother to play with, she said 'oh, a girl would play with DS1 too! And they fight over toys too blah blah blah!' It just gets my goat up as inlaws are the sort to believe their way is ALWAYS the right way. MIL is always going on about how lucky she is to have one of each. Argh, I just want to grab her and shake her and say sarcastically to her 'and look how close they are to each other now...' BUT I CAN'T!

Of course, then there's the reactions that go 'you must try for a third for a girl!' Or that pitying 'don't you want a mini-me?' Uh, not exactly, one me is enough, thanks! I do love my boy and would be very lucky to have two of them! Help me come up with the right retorts to these comments! I can see myself facing years of this ahead of me... (and yes, please tell me nice stories of having two boys close in age!)

Rant over...

OP posts:
angel1976 · 30/06/2009 23:09

Such lovely stories about brothers! Thanks all, brings a lump to my throat... I can't wait to have two boys, honestly! I know the first few months will be pure hell but fingers crossed I will survive to enjoy the beautiful years later on...

We have a two-bedroom house too and while I know if DC2 was going to be a girl, they could have shared for a few more years yet... Still, knowing we are having another boy does simplify things a lot i.e. no redecorating, no buying new clothes, no separating areas into his and hers etc etc.

Thanks for the retort suggestions too! I do have a dear friend who has two girls and she wishes she has a boy so I am mindful of the sensitivities around gender issues. I also know people close to me who cannot have children naturally but I do think the older generation seems somewhat to take fertility for granted. Thanks all. Off to bed now but you have all left a warm glow in my heart (and DS2 kicking about!).

OP posts:
Clary · 30/06/2009 23:20

Oh angel - congratulations.

And FWIW I have never understood why people are so keen to have "one of each". I agree that same-sex siblings will prob get on a lot better as children and adults. That's my observation anyway.

I had the opposite problem - because we had DS1 and then DD people (rude people) asked why we were having another one "when you already have the set" grrrrr.

Actually one reason was that I wanted one of them (not both sadly) to have a same-sex sibling! We might have stopped at 2 if D was DS2 (what a thought). As it is my boys are really good pals now (aged 10 and 6)

Good retort? How about "I am so please not to have to redecorate the nursery pink" or similar? Or "Yes well I will save money on clothes and toys"

Or just "Why don't you MYOB?" Maybe not.

(Lol at "mini-me" btw. DD is sooo not a mini me!)

midlandsmumof4 · 30/06/2009 23:38

Congratulations Angel.....I have four sons. I was actually offered commisserations on the birth of my fourth to the tune of 'Oh another boy, shame its not a girl-never mind etc . On the other hand, my sister-in-law went through the same thing when she had four girls. Enjoy your boys. They'll adore each other when they're little, go through a stage when they develop their own interests & friends but never be short of a bro' to help them when their GF's let them down .

ZacharyQuack · 01/07/2009 00:21

Little boys rock! Congratulations, what fun you will have!

readyfornumber2and3 · 01/07/2009 07:42

Its maddening isnt it
I have DS (3) and when I announced this pregnancy I had alot of comments about "hoping its a girl" I really wasnt bothered as I love my little boy to bits and would happily have another.
We found out at the 12 week scan that its twins and then at the 20 week scan we found out we are having 1 of each.
When people find out they always say "ooh that couldnt have worked out better, 1 of each is perfect"

piscesmoon · 01/07/2009 07:48

Ignore them! I have 3 lovely boys. I am just thankful to have 3 healthy children and think it is lovely that you can't choose-they are not designer items!

Kimi · 01/07/2009 08:01

Congratulations I have 2 boys although 4 years apart, I got fed up with people saying things like, oh I bet you wanted a girl, or are you going to try for a girl, in the end I answered with things like "no most of the girls I know are horried,/ Girls are too much trouble and so on. As most of these eoeple had girls they soon shut up asking

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/07/2009 08:33

Congratulations

People say the wrong thing whatever you have - some bizarre need to comment I think - but why does it always come out wrong?!

I have a DS and a DD and the number of people who said 'well done' to me when I was pregnant was bizarre. Was I somehow skilled in having one of each?

Then came the comments about how I now wouldnt need to have any more because I had one of each

Sometimes I love having one of each, sometimes I think DD wont have a sister and DS wont have a brother and that makes me sad - see I'm never happy either lol

MrsGokWan · 01/07/2009 08:43

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have 3 boys. It took me over 5 years to concieve DC1 and then with treatment we had DC2, now even though people knew (we made no secret of the fact) that we had had problems the number of people who were 'what a shame', 'Oh! poor you' etc. etc. Then the 'are you going to have another one to get your girl?' started. Now when DC2 was born I was told we couldn't have any more so it upset me a lot but I kept schtum and just got on with it. Then when DC2 was 15 months old I found out I was pregnant again by naturel means, the number of people who asked me if was having this one to 'get my girl' was unbelievable, drove me up the wall. As it turned out DC3 was a boy and is gorgeous and we all adore him but again it was 'oooh! 3 boys, you're brave', 'how will you cope?', 'oh! dear what a shame!' again. Then the 'are you going to have another one, to get your girl?' started. After DC3 was born I was told catergorically that it would not be good to have another one, my body just won't take it and I could end up permanantly disabled and although we really do want 4 children and have always wanted four, I have decided to accept medical advice and not go for the 4, even though I am as broody as hell and don't feel our family is complete. But this time round I am not keeping schtum I am telling the nosey beggars who are asking about my sex life straight. Have embarrased a few people too

Gooseiscooked · 01/07/2009 09:05

That's nothing - when I was PG with DS (my 1st/only child) and I found out he was going to be a boy, my mother said, "Oh. Never mind - these things happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Oh - and my mother's 1st born was a son, so Heaven knows where the sudden 'anti-boy' thing came from).

Reginamygina · 01/07/2009 09:15

Same thing with girls. I have 2 DDs, pg with number 3. One mum from school said to me the other day: "oh you might get lucky and have a boy", I went mental and snapped "if I get that lucky, it will be another little girl then" (which I don't mean as I couldn't care less if it's a boy or a girl). Out of all people she should know, shouldn't she? but then again, she has a girl and a boy, so thinks it's perfect.

I think I'm going to get myself a tshirt saying "I'd be very happy too if it's a girl".

And don't get me started on the ils.

zeke · 01/07/2009 09:21

First of all - Congratulations! I think it is fantastic for you to have two boys so close in age, hopefully they will be life-long best friends as well as siblings.

People say silly presumptious things. Maybe just reply with something really positive about having two boys and how you were secretly hoping for another boy and are just over the moon!

ErnestTheBavarian · 01/07/2009 09:39

You can' win, no matter what.

Imagine the comments I got, pg with dc4 with 3 boys in tow. Bet you're hoping it's a girl at last, you must be desperate for a girl, 3rd time lucky didn't work for you.

The commiserations I got when ds3 was born

As it happens, dc4 turned out to be a girl. 'Thank God for that' 'you finally got your girl''we stopped at 3(boys), I wasn't so desperate to keep trying for the girl' Actually, that comment for the mum of 3 boys pissed me off about the most. Stupid smug cow. And all these comments in front of my lovely boys

Luckily they love their little sister, but these comments still keep coming and she's over a year old now

btw, 17 months bwn ds1 & 2, and they are v.v. close, really good friends, and age being close means they can usually be in same kids club/summer camp/ski class together. poor ds3, who's 3 & 5 years younger than his brothers has to do all this stuff on his own.

lemoniee · 01/07/2009 12:58

Hi angel, Congratulations on a new baby joining your family, always a great joy whatever the flavour.

Two boys is a fantastic combination... So is any other... Wouldn't it be terribly boring if we all had a boy and a girl?

I have sooo many thoughts on the subject that i know my post is going to be a bit chaotic, bear with me...

Yes, it does seem that a lot of women once they had one sex would like to experience another, I felt like this after I'd had Ds1. I adored him, loved having a boy but it is like having a chocolate out of a box, yum yum great, let's try what another one is like, different flavour.
Others sort of expect you to be somewhat disappointed, hence negative remarks. But of course they are being very insensitive and rude. Why do people feel free to pass comments like this on baby's gender when they would be usually more tactical on other subjects , I don't know, one of the mysteries of human behaviour.

It is VERY VERY widespread, I have family/friends abroad and they are just the same. And how many mumsnet threads have we had on the subject already ? One seems to pop up every week and lots of people still join in talk as nearly all experienced the issue and got upset at some point.

I do NOT think a boy and a girl is a perfect combination, for each combo you can think of pros and cons. But in my opinion mums who happen to have b+g just have it easier as far as the comments are concerned since, while some still find them annoying,they are generally positive.

I do think the problem stems from the fact
that most people these days aim for just two children, no more, so there is millions out there who never are going to experience the other sex, they have to be at peace with NEVER having a daughter or a son. Some find it hard.

But then people with one boy one girl will never know the joys of brothers, sisters growing up together, there is something very special about this.
And how sweet to see a bunch of three- four all girls or boys !
I remember years ago when I found out the very cheesy Hansons were all brothers, my first thought was how lovely!

Anyway, I will now introduce my family...DS 13, Ds11 and DS only 3. I do have two daughters ( after DS2) but sadly they didn't make it to birth. I'm a strong believer in after life though, so looking forward to seeing them one day again !
Some medical experts old ladies in neighbourhood did conclude I obviously cannot carry girls to term but the fact is I had an unrelated condition diagnosed and successfully treated before I went on to have DS3.

If only people realised what effect their insensitive words have on already highly strung hormonal mum, whether pregnant or a new mum... It can blight their joy or even tip them over the age on a very bad day.
I wasn't hormonal, my little boy ( no3) was 18 months when just one remark too many ( 'ooh, 3 boys , great for dad, but no joy for the mum' ) from my mum's friend, led to a day long fully blown row with ..my mum, unpleasant memories to this day , I rarely fight with my mother. Of course at the time the remark was made I was speechless and too stupidly polite to come out with a god riposte.

Anyway, I ADORE having my three boys. I really really enjoyed my first couple of boys growing up , two brothers close in age. And now I feel so happy that having my DS3 I can relive the experience of raising a boy, like revisiting a place you had a holiday of a lifetime at but it's all new adventure at the same time. I feel amused that some people might look on me with 3 boys with some kind of a pity, I know some do. If only they knew !!! I feel nothing but pride and happiness looking at my bunch of boys. They're great brothers to each other. The eldest two , though having their own quite different personalities and skills, share a lot , from interests to many friends.

DS1 is very caring and protective of the littlest brother while Ds2 is a constant source of entertainment for DS3,despite the big gap, they play a lot together.

Angel , just for you and your particular flavour mix, these are the good points of having two boys close in age.

they can share a bedroom

you can recycle old equipment, clothes and toys

they will play with each others Christmas/birthday toys, so it's double the fun for them

they will share some friends

they will have much in common in general

they will watch same films/play same ps/xbox games ( so one buys a game with his saved up pocket money, the other gets to play too ! )

you take them to see the same film at cinema, so you're always together as a family

they want to listen to the same bedtime story when little, watch same cartoons

IT'S basically all much easier and you feel more 'together' as family

DISCLAIMER I know there is some generalization in the above but all true in my family's case. Of course it's possible for two boys to have VERY different interests and for some girls to like many boys' stuff and share with brother and also there is lots of intergender things about anyway...

dmo · 01/07/2009 13:02

my boys are 14mths apart (we only have the 2 children) and they were in beavers/cubs and now scouts together

in the last month they have been away with scouts every weekend giving dh and i some our time with no children at all bliss!!!!!!!!!!!

LyraSilvertongue · 01/07/2009 13:03

We had similar comments. I have two amazing, wonderful sons but people still assume I want to try for a girl. I never wanted a daughter, only sons, so I couldn't be happier with what I got.

MumtoCharlieandLola · 01/07/2009 13:19

Hello Angel, congratulations, I was gutted when I was told I was going to have a girl with my second dc

I got loads of comments about it being lovely to have one of each - I did not want a girl, I cant stand Lellykelly shoes for a start !!! I remember crying a week before the birth that I didn't want a girl (I know, being ungrateful, etc. etc.)

'Luckily' my dc2 came out with 10% extra and I now have two gorgeous boys (who fight a lot)

People asked me if I was disappointed ?? what the **&£("), why should I have been??

People are peculiar !!!

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2009 13:26

you are pregnant again, congratulations (I remember some posts from you when your DS was tiny)
No I completely agree yanbu.
I have a DS and pregnant with DC2 - we don't know whether it's a boy or a girl as he/she wouldn't cooperate It's not that I don't mind, it's more than I can see positives of both, so I will be happy either way. The baby is the important thing!

verygreenlawn · 01/07/2009 13:39

Congratulations!

I have three boys - actually had four, but three survivors. And even people that KNOW what we went through make funny remarks about how we must have been hoping for girls all along!

FWIW my boys are all very different and I was thrilled to have each of them. First two are very close in age and very very close. Baby ds3 is a few years behind.

But then I'm sure you'd get the same if you had an all-girl gang. I would've been thrilled with three girls, too. Enjoy your boys!

aristocat · 01/07/2009 13:44

congrats
i am one of those mums who has a boy and a girl.......however when pregnant with second child [dd] i was adamant that i wanted to have another boy and was so dissappointed that i wouldnt have 2 same sex children.

felt exactly like MtCandL.
enjoy your 2 DS as boys really are a treasure!

MamaHobgoblin · 01/07/2009 13:47

Congratulations! Boys are fab.

I admit to thinking a little like this before I had DS - that I'd love a girl, wouldn't know what to do with a boy, and wouldn't want to have two boys as I'd be 'outnumbered'. Tosh. They are your children, not the enemy! And people aren't as bad with all girls, are they? The tables have turned, but it's still sexist, just in the other direction!

I do actually know someone who had her DS at the same time as mine, and said she'd like to try again for another baby, but only if someone could guarantee her a girl. I just think that's sad.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 01/07/2009 13:53

I was told at at my 21 week scan and a 3D scan at 26 weeks that I was having another boy..... was thrilled (though would have been thrilled either way).

Imagine my SHOCK when I gave birth to DD. The hospital had never seen a mistake with a 3D scan before, let alone a mistake boy to girl.

What gets my goat is that people are saying the usual 'oh you must have been so thrilled it was a girl, how much nicer for you', 'now you have the complete 'set' .

Yes. Obviously I am thrilled, but I would have also been thrilled if my DS2 had been here too. I saw a lady at play group this morning who told me that this was so much better and that it would have been horrible to have had two boys... .

I didn't want to tell her that, though I am delighted to have a miracle daughter, I am also a little bit sad that my vision of my two DSs playing together and being best friends didn't become reality....

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2009 15:26

Ineed... that's exactly how I feel, I want both a boy and a girl now, but I only want one more child! I will be excited and not in the least bit disappointed either way. Nice problem to have

Poledra · 01/07/2009 15:44

I have 3 girls. I always planned 2 children, but when DD2 was about a year old, I really really wanred another baby. Everyone assumes I 'tried for the boy' but I didn't care. My DH has worked with babies with severe metabolic disorders, so we are both very aware of how lucky we are to have 3 healthy girls.

Mind you, DH keeps telling me that he'll be alright when they're teenagers - it'll be me they all fall out with.....

angel1976 · 01/07/2009 20:14

Thanks everyone. Some truly lovely stories here today. I don't think it's that I don't want girls but what matters to me is for my children to be healthy and also preferably I would like two of the same gender as I think I really missed out on that growing up, having just one brother.

You have all made me feel so lucky to be having my second boy. I went to a farm trip today with the playgroup DS has been with since he is little. Some of the mums finally realised I am preggers! And so pleased for me to have another boy... It's really nice to be part of a crowd that is so non-judgemental when it comes to gender. I think it's because they have all experienced it first-hand the generalisations and not-so-nice comments about their children's gender!

There is a lady in the group (who's not there today) and she just had a boy a few months ago and already has a son 2.5 years old and everyone knew how badly she wanted her DC2 to be a girl. The first thing she said on finding out I am preggers was 'I would be really annoyed if you have a girl!' She doesn't realise how lucky to have two beautiful boys (her DS2 is truly scrumptious. Very smiley - my DS was a real grumpbag when he was little!). Her comments have also hurt a couple of the other ladies in the group who has boys... It's sad she couldn't see beyond wanting a girl to appreciate her beautiful boy! I will relish seeing her next and telling her my next will be a boy! LOL!

Thanks all. So glad I am not being unreasonable... Shall think of some choice words for MIL (FIL is perfectly lovely and told us how happy he was for us when we found out!) though I would probably just think them and not say them out loud...

OP posts: