To get annoyed at people moaning about crying kids at the supermarket?

[mysonben]

Well i work on checkouts at a superstore, more often than not i can hear a toddler somewhere in the queue at the checkouts having a fit, a tantrum , a cry ... whatever you may call it.
And more often than not some grumpy sod will make a annoyed comment about it! Such as " i would have smacked that kid by now if it was mine!"

Brilliant post MIFLAW

I feed the children as we go around the supermarket, opening packets of cheese, crackers etc. (of course paying for them.) Also (we're in Canada) the bakery gives cookies to children for free, so that's a great incentive to behave, I always get bread at the end and then they eat a cookie while I'm paying and packing (the most boring part.) It also helps to go in the morning when kids are at their best, though not everyone has that choice. But kids do yell sometimes and people should understand!

Babies and toddlers are one thing, but last night in the supermarket I bumped into a wild eyed 12 or 13 year old boy screaming: "Put it back right now, I hate the one with stuffing, put it back now, I'm warning you." Followed by (as mum walks away): "How DARE you ignore me,don't you dare ever ignore me again."

i have to say, i don't agree with the way they've expressed it but i do agree with the posters who say that ignoring a tantruming child does make the situation worse... mine don't tantrum in shops anymore as they know that

a) they don't get what they want
b) they get a very cross mommy

i've alway found talking quietly and calmly to them and explaining to them that everyone is waching them and thinking badly about them snaps them out of it enough for me to explain what we need to do/distract them.

and my dd is a mega tantrum thrower... she just learned very quickly that doing it in public is a very swift way to lose out on nice things, not gain them.

it helps that i've never really given them things in shops so they don't bother asking much and they know that shouting for something is guaranteed to ensure they don't get it as that's what happens at home.

dd used to throw tantrums if she didn't want to be in the shop but getting down on her leval and talking (often angrily... no hippy dippy soft touch parenting ) and explaining that shouting and screaming was only going to make everyone angry at her and wouldn't change the fact that we had to shop tended to work.

she attempted the rolling on the ground tantrum once in a shop and it didn't work as i just picked her up, said 'right, that's it, no treat after dinner' and walked of with her still screeching in my arms and pointed out how many people were looking at her being horrible.

i think kids are never too young to learn that how they behave affects the people around them and you'd be surprised how quickly they change they're bahaviour if it's pointed oout to them that it's upsetting people.

in ds1's case he's most likely to tantrum as he doesn't want to walk/doesn't want to go in the trolly/wants to be carried etc. i let him do what he wants unless it's not physically possible like carrying him in which case i explain why i can't and give him another option. my philosophy is always 'don't say no unless there' s a good reason' so my kids generally understand that if i could let them do something i would so there's no need to shout.

i also find 'mummy doesn't want to be here either but we have no choice so stop fussing and lets get it done quickly' tends to nip a strop in the bud for long enough to whizz round and get it done.

now if someone could tell me how to stop ds1 from setting off the alarms every time we're in the supermarket i'd be sorted

To clarify, I ignore my child but tell her I'm ignoring her if that makes sense.

ViktoriaMac - it's because i don't want a 12yo like that that I'm treating my 1yo like that. That child sounds horrific - like Spoilt Bastard in Viz!

Well, ignorning (ridiculous) tantrums has worked well for me. All 3 of them learned very quickly that such behaviour wasn't going to get them any anywhere and so they gave it up at a very young age.

Well exactly, Miflaw. I would always of course explain why I'm ignoring them and would also pick them up and carry them when they were small.

I'm trying to get the inner strength to go to the supermarket with dd (2.4) and ds (10 weeks) - 15 mins getting sweaty in the car will put them in the mood!

last time I went was just with ds - he started screaming as soon as we got to the checkout. The cashier helpfully told me he needed feeding then proceeded to scan the items for the person infront very slowly and pause to chat after eatch item. I was unimpressed!

ignoring them is better than smacking them so everyone wins, no ?

littleM. how irritating! the mentality is so differant here, when ds2 starts crying in a shop i'm generally inundated with shop workers appearing out of no where to try and cheer him up and hold him for me and help pack my shopping

@ Fleetwoodmac

no attacking here, but did you know under 4 chrildrens frontal cortex has not developed yet, this is a fact.

that part of the brain is for reasoning, children do not pocess that abilty to reason, hence Tantrums, you will often see parents trying to reason with their DC'S. in actual fact it is folly.

they simply lack and way of seeing thinks in a resonable manner.

so when that child is in a full on tantrum, often the only resolution is to give in to them, or see the tantrum out.

I hope that helps you understand a bit better

My dd has some classic tantrums, and I do talk to her rationally as well.

She starts I tell her that I'm not talking to her while she tantrums and I can see she wants the chocolate/toy /whatever/ but she cannot have it because blah blah blah. Then I ignore the following screams and explain again in between sobs.

It has worked, she rarely tantrums with me now unless very tired or ill. Grandparents and Daddy are a different matter all together and she controls them entirely.

I have found that if I'm in the queue behind someone with a screaming child, if I make faces at the child or play loudly with my dd then the child will stop and watch me because it's someone new doing something different. I have learned this from being in Spain and Italy where everyone will take it upon themselves to talk to and entertain any child. In this country people act like children are to be seen and not heard. Parents always look so relieved if their child stops screaming, we all know how stressful it can be.

My two-year-old son had the mother of all tantrums in the cafe at BHS (first and last time we'd ever been there) because we wouldn't let him go in the ride-on Thomas until he'd eaten his lunch. Cue massive strop, throwing himself out of the high chair and refusing to eat any lunch at all.

A little old lady who was eating lunch behind us, with her daughter (who looked about 45ish and who had Downs Syndrome), watched me forcing T into his pushchair, came over and patted me very gently on the shoulder and said "this time will pass". It was so sweet I almost cried!

When my dd was 2 I took her into the office to say hello. We stayed 10 mins then was time to go. DD had been enjoying herself and did not want to go, so started crying while i carried her out. Chairman walked out of his office yelling "whose is that horrible child?"

2 weeks later chairman was looking after his grandson (4 yrs old)and brought him into office. Child then started screaming as he wanted chocolate. I looked at him, smiled sweetly and said "oh yes, they all do that, don't they?"

Cue very red faced chairman!

Aeschylus

Can a child under 4 not learn by experience though?

I know that's not the same but sometimes the end result might be, I guess.

Aeschylus - an area of the brain may not be FULLY developed, but as with the rest of the body surely use is one of the things that causes it to develop. So actually, by explaining rational processes to them you encourage development. Like walking, babies don't just reach a point in their development and get up and walk - they build up their leg muscles, practice standing, find out how to balance, then start to take steps.

Personally I don't ignore DD at all, however she's behaving, and I do think that there are ways of pre-empting tantrums so I don't have to deal with them. So I can see what FleetwoodMac was getting at. But life isn't always ideal, and all children respond to things differently. So I don't think all tantrums can be avoided or that every child will stop because you explain something to them calmly. If DD had been having a tantrum every single time we did a certain thing then I would definately be looking at changing how/when we did it, but sometimes choices are limited and more so for some people than for others.

Not ignoring DD doesn't mean that I give into a tantrum or behaviour I don't want to encourage. But if she was screeching then I'd probably carry on talking to her about how upset she sounds, explaining why I've made the decision I have and if there are alternatives etc. I treat her as though she's talking normally even if she's shouting/screaming and respond in a calm normal way. Usually that has worked and she calms back down, although not immediately - there would still be a time when I was talking to a very cross child. Just occassionally it doesn't and we just get through the shopping with an upset child eventually. (DD now 4, and should have written that all in the past because she doesn't actually get stroppy that much now - only if very overtired, and generally that would be at home at end of day, in a totally different situation)

definitely

I admit before I had DD I might have been a grumpy sod about screaming babies and toddlers (though i would never have suggested a smack!) but I now just have to remember our worst tantrum experience ever and I feel nothing but sympathy for the parents.

Basically we were asked to get off a plane because she screamed so much. Ok it hadn't taken off yet (obviously) and they did let us on again just before take off but it was a pretty dire experience. She was not quite 2years, too hot, too tired and didn't want to sit strapped on my lap but take off was delayed by nearly an hour so there we had to stay. Nothing I could do would calm her and i was seriously beginning to think she would scream herself in to a fit. Eventually they had the steps brought back to the plane so I could take her off and give the rest of the passengers a break.

Qally: By contrast a year earlier when she was still a baby I flew to Sydney with her by myself and she was as good as gold - despite a 19 hour delay at Heathrow. Passengers next to us were also very nice. So fingers crossed!!

No OP YANBU. It's hard enough going shopping with a child, let alone a screaming one.

Children are just like adults really in that they have their off days and times too. Some people tend to forget that and it really annoys me.

A classic I had was when I was in the queue at M&S cafe. Cue DD having a massive fit in her pushchair. I couldn't do anything about it, I was trying to distract her, offer her a drink, talk to her etc etc all whilst juggling a tray of food for her. A man ahead in the queue said very spitefully at her "oh shut up" and muttered some really horrible stuff. The woman in front of me, who was with her baby said "you're disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself" to the man and I chipped in with "she's a baby, how dare you say that to her".

Needless to say I got to my seat and burst into tears, cried all the way through my lunch. My DD was upset because I was upset Then a lady came over and patted me on the shoulder and said "there there, don't get upset, this time will pass"

Whenever I see a child having a tantrum I always smile at the parent and try and be reassuring. I've been there, I know what its like and thank goodness it's not mine at that time!

My DD has had some classic tantrums, not wanting to get into pushchair, not wanting to get into trolley. I've learn't that you really have to zone out to other people, do your best. Sometimes babies just cry. People need to get over it! They're not robots!

However, at times when she is having a tantrum in public, for my sanity, I have to get out of whereever I'm at. DD always tantrums putting her into the seat at the supermarket, so I have to wait outside till she has finished.

I think some people can be very mean sometimes

Nebaku - I have read your suggestion of leaving the supermarket and coming back when calm in one of my hundreds books on managing toddler behaviour. I don't necessarily disagree with doing this, but I was always curious as to how you practically do this if you also have a young baby, and probably a changing bag containing your purse which you also can't leave behind as well as a screaming toddler who presumably is not in the mood for complying and walking nicely to the car to calm down Answers on a postcard please anyone ......

Porridgebrain....I reckon sometimes they just all cry at the same time and it is horrendous and you have to do that "head up, punch on" and get on with the shop. Hideous for you, yes. And probably hideous for everyone else.. But that's life IMO and lets face it, the people going about their shop probably don't have to deal with crying babies all day, so why can't they put up with it for a wee bit? You know, share the pain!

Sorry Nekabu, mis-spelt your name

Oh for petes sake...children cry. In the supermarket, at home, in the street, kids cry. Its a fact of life, get over it. Some people think they shouldn't have to hear it, but they can think again.
When did we get so damn precious that every little thing should be rationalised with a screaming toddler, at the same time as being considerate to the sensitive ear drums of passers by in case they are disturbed? Does nobody else feel like shouting "get over yourselves" at the world?

In case anyone thinks I'm just being defensive, I have a degree in child psychology, so its a professional opinion too!

PorridgeBrain (love the name!) I'd probably just leave my car keys with the customer service desk and say something along the lines of "I'm out there, you can see me, you have CCTV and my car keys, I'm not going anywhere." and just go outside the door rather than trying to juggle babies and toddlers and bags!

I know it's wrong, but I personally find children's tantrums in supermarkets hilarious to watch. I love it when they throw themselves on the floor and refuse to move until they get what they want: my sister used to do this, and we all laughed ourselves silly until she got up again.