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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my dh to think for himself

31 replies

happydaisy · 26/06/2009 22:55

He works part time, I work full time. He has to pick ds up from school, dd makes her own way home. He never remembers what after school activities they're doing, I've had to draw up a timetable which he can never be bothered to refer to. He never remembers to make dinner so I end up having to do it when I come home. And why is he so slow?? He can spend a whole day at home and only have achieved sorting out the airing cupboard OR cleaning the bathroom!! Is he incapable or very, very clever???

OP posts:

differentID · 26/06/2009 22:55

he's MALE!

TheCrackFox · 26/06/2009 22:58

Well do they do say that women are good at multi-tasking which, IMO, is code for doing everything all at the same time.

YANBU, it is bloody annoying but there seems to be no cure.

Boys2mam · 26/06/2009 22:59

My DP is amazing (shhhhhh). He will do anything I tell ask him to do but anything else is over and above any reasonable expectations. If it's not expressly mentioned, it does not exist.

You need to talk to him.

Seuss · 26/06/2009 23:02

YANBU. This is my pet hate with my DH. If asked he will do something, but why do I always have to ask??? It's not big things either, he wouldn't think 'Oh it's tea-time I'd better feed the kids'. Hmmmph.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 26/06/2009 23:02

OMG I very nearly posted under the exact same title.
Boys2mam my dp is exactly the same.
Also peeing me off tonight was the fact that 2 totally unimportant deciwions he made recently were underwritten and approved by 2 colleagues and they were something we had discussed I had tod him the same thing but he never acted until he got manly approval when will they learn we are right

Original poster

happydaisy · 26/06/2009 23:03

I've tried talking. He has a complete inability to listen too! I've held onto the "clever" theory for a while now (19 years!) hoping that eventually I'll get some benefit from his intelligence.... (hmm)

OP posts:

Original poster

happydaisy · 26/06/2009 23:04

Yes - why do they need approval? Mine always has to ask his Dad and we have lived together since 1992!!!

OP posts:

Katisha · 26/06/2009 23:07

It's because he knows you will sort it all out.

mamas12 · 26/06/2009 23:07

Why do you make the tea ask him to do it.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 26/06/2009 23:10

I have known DP since we were 7 you would think he would know i'm always right by now hee hee....he'll learn...maybe...eventually if I kick him hard enough regularly enough.

Boys2mam · 26/06/2009 23:19

My DP and I, We've got a lovely rhythm going now, born of many, many months of hard work discussion.

He enjoys more 'pub' time than I and I have learned to negotiate bribe him with this.

But I HATE nagging persuading. Why can't he just see what needs done?.....bottles done when its his turn, bin emptied when its his turn, bath rinsed out when its his turn.....

megapixels · 26/06/2009 23:36

My dh can't seem to do anything that isn't work-related without me. We'd be at a restaurant and when it's time to order he'll ask me what dd1 is having. Err, why don't you ask her? It's me who has to pick the restaurant. Me who even has to decide if we're going out. If I ask him what he wants to do he says it's totally upto me. Wish he'd wear the pants at least some of the time

pickyvic · 26/06/2009 23:41

im not sure what my DH would do without me...

except celebrate.

mamas12 · 27/06/2009 15:00

I can't stand the attitud of relinquishing any and all decision making from a working h to the wifey at home.
It is another job at home it is a jobshare in fact. Don't let them get away with reverting to being a child your child in fact. I'm sure you could do with another adult in the house. He does it at work why not at home??

BitOfFun · 27/06/2009 15:04

I've never sorted the airing cupboard out and I'm at home loads. I'd be quite pleased with myself if I'd cleaned the bathroom.

Horton · 27/06/2009 15:37

Me too, BitOfFun. DH cleans the bathroom on Saturday mornings while I'm at the supermarket. And he puts all the laundry away, too, and sweeps the floors and vacuums. I am now struggling to think of a household chore that I do.

Kimi · 27/06/2009 15:45

I don't think it is a case of he never remembers, he just can not be bothered.

If I worked all day and came home and had to do house work and cook I would do mine and the kids and leave DH to get his own. lazy sod

EugeneHCrabs · 27/06/2009 15:47

becuase oyu have let him become like that
let him fail

Snorbs · 27/06/2009 15:53

"He never remembers to make dinner so I end up having to do it when I come home"

I think you've answered your own question. If he doesn't do it he knows that you will.

EugeneHCrabs · 27/06/2009 15:54

I agree with SK

you haev infantilised him

stop indulging him - let him let HIS kids down, he is an utter lightweight

Kimi · 27/06/2009 16:17

The only part of a man that has a mind of its own is kept between his legs don't you know

Triggles · 27/06/2009 19:50

My sister has a tendency to ask her DH do stuff around the house, then goes around behind him after he has done it and criticise how it was done or redo it to "her standards." This is not the first time I've seen women do this. I think if I was the male in THAT situation, I wouldn't bother doing it either.

DH is actually great about doing stuff that needs to be done around the house - whether I've asked or not.

Snorbs · 28/06/2009 10:10

Triggles, my ex was like that. I'd do the washing up, then she'd criticise how I'd done it, or how I'd put the crockery on the drainer. I'd do the washing, she'd complain how I'd hung it out to dry. She was very much a "If you don't do it my way, you're not only doing it wrong but you're doing it wrong on purpose just to annoy me" kind of person.

I'll admit that I also used to let her make most of the decisions regarding which restaurant to go, where to go on holiday etc. This was because I'd learned that if I made suggestions she'd say "No" to everything apart from the place she'd already decided she wanted to go to. It saved a lot of time just to get her to make the decision in the first place.

But then my ex was a controlling, bullying nut-job. Since she became my ex, and it's just me and the kids, life's got an awful lot more relaxed

hopingalways · 28/06/2009 10:36

YANBU, but in your DH's world he probably feels that he is doing just as much as you. Just goes to show how capable you are! Maybe a creative, non-confrontational demo of the divide of work in your house might work? oh and copious praise for what it does do - "oh you cleaned out the airing cupboard? fabulous that saved me such a job! it's so nice not to have to worry about that anymore" could lead on to "you made dinner again? Oh thank you so much, you have no idea how much of a difference that makes, you're so wonderful" worth a shot!

ABetaDad · 28/06/2009 10:47

happydaisy - you have to learn to let go of some things yourself and give DH full and total responsibility for them. He may feel you are always organising everything and checking everything so he just gives up and lets you do it. Look at what you said.

"I've had to draw up a timetable which he can never be bothered to refer to.."

Can you imagine how that feels every day to have your day effectively organised by someone else handing you a schedule as they leave the house? That is very demotivating.

My DW has a tendency to try and micromanage everything by making lists and expecting everything to be done exactly her way at exactly the time she would do it herself and then checking everything twice when I have do it. She also unpacks the children's bags the moment they come in the house and she then writes everything down relating to school activities on a complex calender check sheet which she controls. She is worse when she is stressed or worried.

Rather as Triggles/Snorbs describe. I have to admit, I gave up fighting her over it and now just let her make her lists. I know what needs doing anyway but she needs to feel she has everything taped down. I have gradually gained control of certain things and have agreed she can have control over other things. That way we do not try and do each others job, we each contribute and we each take responsibility.

At the moment we are planning a house move and she is in full list making mode but in practice she has not done a single thing towards the move. She is happy feeling in control and I do not fight that but actually I have made all the phone calls, know what I am going to do when and have arranged all the utility transfers, booked the removers, and transport arrangements, chosen and bought new carpets and new kitchen equipment washer and dryer, etc. She actually did none of it but we did consult and then I got on with it and did it.

I do love my DW very much and over the years I have learned how to avoid arguements over things that do not matter while making sure the house work and kids get looked after properly. God help us if DW gets one of those O2 Joggler devices though.

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