DH's gym session: No.1 household priority

[MollFlounders]

Since we had DD 8 months ago my life has changed completely, as you'd expect, but DH's life just sails along as it always has. I'm back at work full time and work longer hours than DH and am the main breadwinner by a distance, but everything to do with DD is still my responsibility. As much as I love DD and love doing things with/for her, this imbalance is really starting to piss me off.

There are lots of examples of this but today's has just really made me cross and I want to know: AIBU. So the scenario is: I get up at 7am and get myself ready for work and make DD's breakfast, DD usually wakes up around 8am (she goes to bed around 8pm so I can feed her when I get home from work and then put her to bed), I give her breakfast and play with her, our nanny then arrives at 8.30am and I then rush out to work. DH, on the other hand, just does whatever he likes. He usually gets up around 7.30am or 8am and goes to the gym.

I found out last night that I need to be in a work meeting at 9am, something I normally try and avoid as I can't be at work for 9am if I leave home at 8.30am. So I asked DH last night if he could please be around at 8.20am as I needed to be at work at bit earlier. His response: I'm going to the gym, I'll be back around 8.45am. I asked him if he would please go a little earlier than usual to allow me to leave for work, and he said I should have asked him earlier in the day and he was sick of changing his timetables around my work. He NEVER changes his timetables. He said, just text the nanny and tell her to come early (which I refused to do, as I don't think that's fair on her). It does not even occur to DH that really we should be sharing the responsibility of getting DD up in the morning. We have had numerous discussions in the past. He says he doesn't do as much for DD as I do such a good job he "feels stifled". That just seems very convenient to me. So AIBU or is my DH as selfish as it seems to me?

He'll voluntarily hang out washing, put on dishwasher, unstack it, notice that the sheets need to be changed and then actually change them and all that sort of thing which is probably a lot better than some around- he's fine with that stuff which is why I don't think it is a sexism issue. Or even a laziness issue, most of the time. In fact, I could live with the balance we have if it wasn't for the fact that he is so totally unhelpful when it comes to me having to balance DD and work, like this morning.

The more I think about it, the more I think that this is really about work and about how he feels about my job i.e. resentment. This morning was his way of saying "fuck your job, work it out yourself". I think that's the underlying stress for me because it really does feel like I have to balance it solo. If I have to call on his help, then it just triggers his resentment, leading to sulking etc etc.

Madwoman - I'm sure you're right. I've got to leave home at 4.30am tomorrow for an early flight so DH will be in the driving seat tomorrow morning. The weekend after next he's having a mate around to watch the rugby. I might just use that day to go out by myself and leave DH at home to look after DD.

But the resentment issues need to be addressed. I'm sure I'm onto something there.

I agree with schoolgirl here.

He needs to be left in charge with your dd so he can get "parental confidence".

Thanks QS. Maybe that is the key. Perhaps I should look at this positively as some have said and take some time out for myself and let them get on with it

I think if you can both talk about your different resentments, you might find a solution that works for both of you.

I like that you are able to see the whole thing from his perspective and still appreciate him. But please make sure you are equally focussed on your own needs in the relationship. Sometimes a man becomes more 'engaged' in the needs of the family when he knows exactly how to step up and meet them. This is personal experience with my DP !

Hope the talk goes well.

You say that he doesn't seem to bond with the baby. My DP did bond with DD straight away, he adored her. She is nearly 4 now (where did the time go!) and their relationship has blossomed. He has said to me that he enjoys her more now, that he found the baby bit quite tough. I think that is quite common.

Im torn between saying, c'mon give the guy a break, but then i remember the what the selfishfuckwitcunt this morning and i think you should kick his arse.

I can predict the future ...

< rubs hands in Mystic Meg fashion >

If you don't sort this out now, I would expect you to be here in a couple of years time, discussing a separation/divorce/infidelity/some young piece at work shows him some attention and you don't/early mid-life fuckup crisis blah blah

This is how it starts and it won't improve if you continue to enable his selfish, juvenile behaviour

If he doesn't want a family (and the often boring bits that entails), he should fuck off

People get used to their routines and patterns. I earned a lot more than my children's father and we never never ever from day 1 (I went back to work when they were 2 weeks old) was the person responsible for the babies, ever. I would not have tolerated it for a second. But you both will take on certain jobs. I didn't take achild to the dentist for 17 years for eaxmple and he did all of that. I plaited the girls' hair and did the school bags. He dealt with all the cloth nappies and most of the washing. I think it's better to divide jobs up than try to share them although obviously the other pitches in if needs be.

On this issue the point is that his career is second to yours so it's for him to work out the arrangements tomorrow. Just say he can arrange the nanny if he wants to but you are leaving at X time.

Also I just cannot imagine a situation like you describe of the man getting up much later and not helping with the child. Why did you let that arise ever? I can't believe women can accept taht kind of thing particularly when they have economic power. Why not say that every other day you deal with the child in the mornigs and the other days he does and indeed why not go into work early and have a lesirurely breakfast there 2 or 3 days a week and leave him to get on with it.

Listen to Xenia.

She knows what she's talking about.

[ominous emoticon]

Seriously you do need to leave him in sole charge, otherwise this isn't going to get any better.

Stop fantasising about the imaginary vision of your DH playing enchantedly with your DD. It's not going to happen, well not for a bit anyway, but if you are away for a reasonable chunk of time, eventually he will get fed up with sitting in the house with your DD plunked in front of the TV and will be forced to take her out and do some bonding.

If it were me I would have the conversation about him resenting your work. Just ask him outright if he wants you to give up. Clearly he will say no, which gives you the opportunity to explain that you cannot balance everything on your own.

Oh and just let him pack the blinkin bag. Unless he is jetting you off to the North Pole I believe that nappies and baby clothes are sold pretty much everywhere.

Hope it gets better for you.

Just wanted to say Moll - have a great weekend and try not to let the resentment spoil it. I didn't mean to put you off talking - every now and then DH and I talk it through and it gets better...well, marginally then it gets worse and I have a rant, he says he's sorry, it goes on...

AND thanks to you and this thread, I'll put putting my money where my mouth is this Friday night and going out, leaving DH with both kids and no instructions This will be the third time in four and a half years I will have had a night out and by God, I WILL enjoy myself

many sensible things have been said here, so i just want to send you good vibes for clearly doing a stellar job at holding up your end of things. i agree that the best way forward is to carve out some time for yourself and get him to face up to his responsibilities. As others say, it's really easy (for anyone) to get into patterns of behaviour - it is now your mission to lurch him out of his comfort zone and into the reality of raising a child.

to start, he should really be letting you have a lie-in at least one day over the weekend. and changing nappies. yes, changing many many nappies would be good.

Could you just ask him in passing if he wants a list of some of your dd's basics that should get packed or is he happy that he knows everything she needs... could be interesting to see his response.

Or you could pack a small emergency bag with enough stuff to get you through 24 hours that you can produce when he discovers he hasn't brought enough stuff with him and there is no shop open until the next morning to get more.

The w/end could be a turning point, you leaving all the arrangements about dd to your dh and then monitor the situation objectively.

If he makes no/poor effort with organising her you'll know where you stand. You'll need to ask him why is he so incapable? and how does it feel to have a such a useless loser living with you?

Perhaps seeing it from his angle may help, he may feel he is living with "superwoman" and try to criticise/ be inconsiderate to you to bolster his own ego.

How can you turn off the resentment? In my experience it only gets worse unless his ego is bolstered. He can only get his ego bolstered if you give him responsibility and not micro manage him.

If you let him treat you and dd badly (ie no or little consideration)you will set yourself up for a miserable family life.

If you are intolerant to being treated badly he won't be able to treat you badly. It is as simple as that. He's got away with treating you absolutely abysmally so far and the resentment will just keep building up unchecked.

You should not have to mother him with checklists, you know that. He must feel 9 years old and so is acting that age. Can't you trust him? If you can't trust him to organise dd's care well you are not going to enjoy family life with this man. Of course he has to start somewhere, so start now.

By setting him straight, dividing up the day to day tasks, giving him responsibility without micro managing and giving yourself plenty of time with your dd as you clearly crave it, you can have a bright future.

If he doesn't want to deal with his sulky ways you will have to think long and hard about what is best for you and your dd.

But in the meanwhile, be kind to him in this period of adjustment and praise him for every little thing he does well with his dd or to support you (like you would a dog)

You need to get him to think - really think - about what life would be like if you lost your job.

Perhaps then he would realise that making your career work is in his interests as well as yours.

That's the only advice I can give - because I am so at the whole thing.

I think sarahl2 hit the nail on the head earlier... go away for a weekend... if you like you can take me for company!
Seriously, i do think that the short term sacrifice of a few hours with your dd will be more than worth it in the long run if its helps them bond a bit more. But please don't settle for this treatment. You're obviously an intelligent woman, so believe in how you deserve to be loved and hold out for it. Best of luck x

Thanks everyone for the posts last night and this morning. Sorry I haven't replied during the day but I've been in meetings all day. This morning I left the house at 4.15am to get a flight and DH did get DD up, nappy changed, fed her etc etc so that was all fine. We had "the talk" last night. It started out being about the gym thing. His response was that we simply had a conflict of "interests" and the reason I think he is selfish is simply because his interest "won out". So he is saying, well you wanted to get to work on time, I wanted to go to the gym. They're equal interests so whoever "won" the other would think was selfish. Is it just me or is that . Going to work is compulsory, going to the gym is a leisure pursuit.

The problem is, when I make that point DH simply accuses me of prioritising work above everything else which is simply not right. DH is in the same profession as me but is in a situation where the credit crisis/recession and a bad takeover have put him in a total career dead end whereas I am doing really well. I really think that the issue between us is that. He now has very extreme views about why work doesn't matter (not that he prioritises family instead, though). I on the other hand quite like my job and am v glad it pays well. I don't know how you resolve that issue. DH doesn't want me to give up work but I'm sure he wishes in a way that I wasn't successful. Is there a solution to that or do I have to make a choice? If DH asked me to give up my job, I don't think I would do it. He doesn't prioritise our family, so how could I make us financially dependent on him?

This is a classic case and one that I am very familiar with. I also earnt substantially more than my dh but yet he would insist I only worked a tiny amount ( p-t true but still brought home more dosh)and so gained kudos over me, to his male pride it was important for him to do better than me.

We had more dc and so eventually he took over as breadwinner and that made it better but those years were tough.But we have struggled since financially which is a sore point but tbh it's better than how it was.

Of course careerwise I've suffered big time but I am glad I get to see and be with dc because they are only small once. Also, dh is a very hands on father and tbh if he hadn't been we would not have lasted because the very last role model you want for your dc is a male chauvinist who expects women to do it all. You certainly do not want your dd to see a dad who treats mum badly or she will think this is a normal way for men to behave.

You know in your heart what your dh is saying is total crap, what is loud and clear by elevating his gym status to your work status he is 'blaming/punishing you' for being more successful than him. Years of conditioning will not change that.

I got accused of emasculating my dh by doing well, even though I never crowed about it. You are in an easier position because your dh does not prioritise family life whatsoever from what you've written here. I'd even go as far as to say he resents it. My dh couldn't wait to come home to be with dc.

I would not give up your job as I did for that reason. He needs to know he has to pull his weight and if he can't support you or is grudging then your resentment levels will be toxic to your state of mind.

You can't be a happy family with a husband who is so hostile already to you

Moll it's amazing how he managed to turn that around on you!

Different interests [boggle]?

I am totally flummoxed... bear with me...

I think he has used a variety of tricks there to wriggle out of your request and COMPLETELY lay the fault on you.

Let's get back to basics -

You cant be in two places at once.
You have to get to work on time or you will lose your job and your family's livelihood.
You are doing the majority of the household tasks.

And this is your fault why?

Start 'the talk' again with you bullshit radar operating. It has nothing to do with interests or 'hobbies'. It has to do with being a partnership. You want him to CONTRIBUTE HIS FAIR SHARE. This means assessing what 50% of the necessary tasks are and dividing them equally.

If the talk doesnt work, go on strike. His food, his clean clothes, his food shopping etc are all HIS interests which you don't share. Your interests will include visiting friends, eating out, having fun and spending your money. This guy has entirely lost the plot.

Oh Moll I feel angry for you. He totally manipulated that conversation. How can you leaving to go to work and him leaving to go to the gym be a conflict of interest?!?

Please don't put up with this bull.

Moll- YANBU and he is being a prize jerk. I am sure he loves you and you, and DD, love him - he just needs to sort out his priorities. You're right - work is a necessity, not an interest. It was a conflict of interests for him - the gym or minding his DD - and he used that line on you instead.

A salutary tale here - a good friend of mine had a DH who was like this - when their DS was small he still did his own thing and expected her to do everything else. 2 months after their DD was born he started an affair which my friend only found out about when their DD was 2.8 years old. He blamed it entirely on her - there were alot of factors (he was unhappy at work, unhappy being sole breadwinner after she was made redundant) but essentially his excuses for why it happened boiled down to the fact that the children became her priority when they came along. They're now well on the road to divorce - and he's alone and regretting it and trying to win her back but she'll never go there again as she cant trust him not to hurt her and their kids again if he feels like he's being ignored in favour of the kids. Essentially he let his pride and "interests" fuck up a good thing for him - I really hope your DH doesnt end up doing the same.