DH's gym session: No.1 household priority

[MollFlounders]

Since we had DD 8 months ago my life has changed completely, as you'd expect, but DH's life just sails along as it always has. I'm back at work full time and work longer hours than DH and am the main breadwinner by a distance, but everything to do with DD is still my responsibility. As much as I love DD and love doing things with/for her, this imbalance is really starting to piss me off.

There are lots of examples of this but today's has just really made me cross and I want to know: AIBU. So the scenario is: I get up at 7am and get myself ready for work and make DD's breakfast, DD usually wakes up around 8am (she goes to bed around 8pm so I can feed her when I get home from work and then put her to bed), I give her breakfast and play with her, our nanny then arrives at 8.30am and I then rush out to work. DH, on the other hand, just does whatever he likes. He usually gets up around 7.30am or 8am and goes to the gym.

I found out last night that I need to be in a work meeting at 9am, something I normally try and avoid as I can't be at work for 9am if I leave home at 8.30am. So I asked DH last night if he could please be around at 8.20am as I needed to be at work at bit earlier. His response: I'm going to the gym, I'll be back around 8.45am. I asked him if he would please go a little earlier than usual to allow me to leave for work, and he said I should have asked him earlier in the day and he was sick of changing his timetables around my work. He NEVER changes his timetables. He said, just text the nanny and tell her to come early (which I refused to do, as I don't think that's fair on her). It does not even occur to DH that really we should be sharing the responsibility of getting DD up in the morning. We have had numerous discussions in the past. He says he doesn't do as much for DD as I do such a good job he "feels stifled". That just seems very convenient to me. So AIBU or is my DH as selfish as it seems to me?

Oh that is crap him walking out without saying goodbye - he's obviously trying to send you a "message" with his behaviour

Do you think it's worth having another talk with him? TBH I've found that actions speak a lot louder than words. I totally disagree with Strawberryplanter that leaving his DD with him is "dangerous" unless of course he's demonstrated aggressive behaviour in the past. He's behaving like a child but that doesn't mean that you should treat him like one. He's her father and he has to get used to it.

Any chance you could just book some "me time" this weekend? Leave early with a list of instructions on the fridge - give him about five minutes notice and just let him get on with it. I wouldn't enter into a discussion about it - it would just give him the chance to make more excuses for himself and wear you down that way.

So sorry that he's making your life more stressful than it needs to be. I feel your pain honestly but I think that you need to try different strategies to nip this in the bud asap.

SP - yes I do wonder whether the theme running beneath all this is DH's resentment of my job. When we discussed the gym/meeting clash last night, he instantly flipped to trying to portray the scenario as him as being inconvenienced, yet again, by my job which really is rubbish.

My job is demanding but I get paid a lot for it and that's the deal. DH likes the cash flow very much but is not supportive - as per this latest example. I think he has built up resentment about it. I used to work long hours before DD came along. Now, my ambition has been magically extinguished (for the time being) and I do just enough to still be seen as doing a good job but without killing myself or spending a minute more than is necessary away from DD. I race home every night to make sure I can put DD to bed, but that usually means I have to work from home later on in the evening.

I think I do my best to keep all the balls in the air but obviously DH doesn't think I've got the balance right. Maybe he feel unhappy at being third in the list of priorities: DD, demanding job, DH. At least he gets a place in the list- I don't figure in the list at all really but that's life as a mum and I just accept that. I just wish DH and I had a better partnership. On days like today it feels like we're on incompatible solo missions through life.

nip this in the bud, please don't let it fester. He needs a wake up call. "Ithink I do my best to keep all the balls in the air but obviously DH doesn't think I've got the balance right. Maybe he feel unhappy at being third in the list of priorities: DD, demanding job, DH. At least he gets a place in the list- I don't figure in the list at all really but that's life as a mum and I just accept that" This makes me life as a mum is hard, but pretty much, you should be at the top of the list, he should be in awe of you - i am. It sounds like, without you, it would all fall apart.

His sulky behaviour just goes to show that he has self esteem issues that he better bloody well face up else he is going to end up in a pit. I speak from bitter experience.

Why are you with this man? Honestly, ask yourself this. Because he doesn't appear to contribute anything to your life or your DD's life. You are the breadwinner and you do all the childcare? Is he a good enough shag to justify keeping him as a pet? If not, you really might want to think about whether you want to keep a parasite in the household.

Who are all these boy men and why do people even go out with them?

I agree with SGB. You should ask him what he thinks he brings to the party.

It's not his income.

It's not his desire to be your partner when it comes to DD or household.

In fact, you would be better off without him.

I would seriously ask him why, exactly, he thinks that as one of DD's parents, he thinks he should escape any responsibility towards her at all.

If he's resentful of your job then he needs to grow up. Or perhaps he thinks that money grows on trees?

"and he was sick of changing his timetables around my work"

OMG! I tell you what! Give up your job and tell him to make up the shortfall

Think yourself lucky he knows where the dishwasher and washing machine is!!
Yes, he's an ARSE, i know how you feel i come home fom work, after getting the kids ready in the morning cos DH is at work already (shift finishes at 12) to anything he has used on the side next to the half empty dishwasher and suprise suprise he's either having a work out or he's managed to book a client in for the time we get home so i get to feed the kids and get them to bed and he walks in the door five minutes later moaning that he never see's them! dd2 won't even go to him most the time, he also manages to get all weekend shifts so rarely sees them then.
You should talk to him don't let it get out of control like i have the longer you leave it the more they assume it's ok for them to carry on.

thanks LEMIG. I am so sick of the sulking. He is a regular sulker if things don't go his way and it's rather wearing to live with. NB. he's not violent, just (I think) rather selfish.

Re this weekend, ironically we are going away somewhere together as it's my birthday this week. He has organised something off his own bat so he's not all bad. However, going away is a bit of a mixed blessing from my perspective as there is no way that he will sort anything out for DD and won't have a clue what we need to take/plan/organise for her to make sure we all have a good time. I could leave it all up to him but it would be a high risk strategy as we'd be just as likely to get to our (surprise) destination and find that we don't have any of the things we need (bottles, steriliser, formula, clothes, nappies etc etc).

SGB - . The answer is no! Expatinscotland - I guess having a DC really separates the men from the boys as it were. I knew DH could be a sulky git but the extra acid put on a relationship by DCs really shows up the weak spots in ways I couldn't imagine before I was in this situation. Thanks janbabe, it sounds like you're getting a raw deal too.

Totally agree with SGB.

Time for a serious talk - am assuming he also wanted a baby so he needs to take some responsibility.

You need to carve out some time for yourself too - he's not the only one who likes to exercise.

Am also assuming that generally he has a lot of good points - he does doesn't he? Because otherwise you may find your life would be a lot easier without him as you'd still be doing everything but without feeling resentful towards him.

I am a regular at the gym, so to a certain extent I can understand where he's coming from - you do get to a point where you look forward to going and get cheesed off if you can't go when you've planned.

But this is so not about the gym - it's about his place in your life, establishing your priorities as a family and seeing it as a team effort. You so need to have a Big Talk.

I would still let him organise it all. You can buy any of those things if he forgets to pack them.

In fact, you can send him out to buy them.

Hotels will boil bottles for you (have done this countless times when caught without steriliser).

Start making him take some responsibility.

And like Orm says, spell it out to him. He may find your job a huge annoyance and inconvenience, but he will find losing your income even worse.

Just to add a small ray of hope here...

My DH used to insist on 'him-time' when the boys were little work jollies, endless bloody music events and he would stomp around doing the caged bull act if anything child-related dared interrupt it. He even arranged to do a concert the week DS2 was due, but I scuppered that one by going into labour ON THE DAY (think he still suspects it was somehow deliberate).

Several years later (and with three kids in the mix) he really tries hard to come home in time to do things with them, makes it to school events and meetings, takes the oldest child to school every day, and does the mornings for the other two if I'm working away from home. I think the sense of utter panic at the loss of his old life has been replaced by a realization that actually, this stage won't last for ever, and mustn't be missed.

My older two barely noticed if he was away for a week, as it happened so often. The youngest cries if he goes away overnight (OK, she's a bit of a soppy moo, but it's what she's used to).

It could have been so much easier if he'd had that attitude all along...

Thats lovely that he is taking you away - your very important job is to get this sorted out before you go. Is your DH generally disorganised? I could live with that actually. I'm sure he loves you etc (wish my DP would do similar) but he just needs to realise that there has to be give and take. Don't let this spoil your weekend.

YANBU
As others have said you have to get to grips with this now or you'll regret it in the future. Go away for the weekend and drop him in at the deep end...
He sounds like my DP. A few weeks ago I asked DP to help and he said he was too tired - 'I was at the gym at 7.30 this morning'. Basically he doesn't have a clue about looking after or in fact having children. And I think this is my fault..because I felt sorry for him working long hours and let him get away with it for too long.

My DP had his own business from when DD1 was 9 mo. Before he did some things with/for DD1 but then he worked 90+ hrs a week - so I took on all the household duties, as well as childcare. And I also did his books and secretarial work and (for the first 4 years) studying for a PHD.
Now I realise that I 'worked' more hours than he did - definitely went to bed after him and got up before him...he came home and flopped on the sofa watching TV and in the morning could just get up and go to work ...
If I ever asked him to help with childcare he was difficult...even on the day of my final 'exam' I was running late (DD1 being awkward) and I had to beg him to drop her off at Nursery (would take him 15 mins at the most)...
I should have put my foot down then but I didn't.
Now he works less than 30 hrs per week and he just doesn't consider any of these things his responsibility - continues as if he didn't have children...goes to the gym, plays golf and goes to the pub to watch the football.
I have to ask him to help (doesn't offer)even with things like gardening and he does things like getting them over excited at bedtime and I have to get them to sleep! Or looking after DD2 (2) (while I took DD1 to the doctors) I came home to find her watching cbeebies downstairs -whilst he was watching TV in bed upstairs...he didn't even hear me come in .
Also if he has to struggle at all (esp with DD2) he points her in my direction and says 'she won't do it' or 'I can't do it'...
We have 'discussed' this at length and I realise that I have control issues and he says that whatever he does isn't good enough - but I do think it is partly an excuse.
He is now leaving his job and has a choice between two jobs - one which means he will be off every evening and at weekends, the other he will have varying days off (not w/ends)and will only see DCs two other evenings a week. It is also a 40min drive away. He thinks the one with the longer hours will be more enjoyable ...so he says that is the one he is going to do Doesn't think that that would be selfish...

unfortunately these men boys are all too common on the ground and btw YANBU, the balance of prioroties needs to be addressed right away but it's hard to do with a sulker.

It doesn't SEEM the case in your scenario but I have come across a lot of situatons where this learned helplessness re babies and children has been inadvertantly facilitated by very organised, highly competent and dare I say it controlling women.

I don't leave lists/instructions for dh when I go away for any length of time, he knows what to do he has to, it's his role just as much as mine. I can't help feeling intensely irritated when one of my male colleagues at work comes in on one of the rare occassions he's had to do breakfast/school run for his 2 because his wifes been away and he's in a foul mood bleating on about how "he can't do it, it's just not in him" etc.etc. FFS just SORT IT OUT!!!!

IMO men don't need this infantalising spoon feedery approach, just leave them to get into chaos a few times and learn from experience. We've had huge blow ups about housework but now he does his share, we both work and your dh needs to take on his share of the responsibility for childcare.

Why are so many women putting up with these selfishfuckwitcunts? Apart from the fact that you're basically living as single mums working and doing everything, does no-one think about how seeing their mums do everything and their dads do nothing and resent any requests for help will affect their DCs? MollFlounders, your DD is too small at the mo to be aware of stuff (although I bet she picks up on the tension already), but it will start to affect her as she gets older. How does a child whose father won't do anything for them feel? That their daddy doesn't love them or want them - and kids always blame themselves, so they'll start thinking it's cos they're bad, unloveable, etc. NOT that the sperm donors they call fathers fathers are just absolute useless, awful, selfish wankers. It also teaches little boys that men do fuck-all around the house and leave it up to women and teaches little girls to have low expectations of men, as they'll end up being a domestic slave.

The solution seems to be to force them to do stuff, but of course, the worry is that if you just hand DH the baby and say 'here you go, YOU sort her out', that he'll do nothing or do stuff wrong and she'll suffer. You have GOT to talk to him about this. Going to the gym regularly is a bullshit excuse for not pulling his weight. If you can't sort things out between yourselves then you've got to get counselling.

In the end it comes down to this - why haven't you got enough self-esteem to demand better for yourself and your child? Or even demand the basics?!

Lusi and OP, your husbands are not partners, they're cock lodgers.

For the life of me I can't understand a) men who are this pathetic an excuse for a human being b) women who put up with them.

DH isn't disorganised and I don't think he's sexist. He just doesn't seem to be very engaged by the whole family/fatherhood thing. I could put him to the test just leaving very early one morning/going off for a weekend and leave him in the deep end, but then I would miss out on time with DD and I scrape together every moment I can with her.

By contrast, DH (and maybe this is not uncommon) doesn't seem particularly engaged by DD. He will play with her but then equally he doesn't seem that phased if he doesn't see her. He would plan a day out on the weekend to do his own thing (which I don't mind, because quite frankly it's not like we have a stellar relationship at the moment). I would never dream of doing that because I would hate to voluntarily miss a day with DD.

Maybe I am controlling (well, I probably am because to balance all the competing demands you end up having to be superorganised) and maybe I am responsible for some learned helplessness. DH certainly claims that I am critical when he does do things- but then his idea of babycare is to put DD in an activity station and then go on to the computer.

Anyway, as everyone says we need to have a "serious talk" tonight which will be unpleasant and will end in a big sulk. He will feel horribly put upon because he has organised to take me away for the weekend and I'm so ungrateful. The thing is, I don't really want to be taken away for the weekend- I just want a partner who is arm in arm with me for the boring challenges of daily life.

TBH I do feel at times like a single mum. I wonder how much worse it would be if we did split up. Big thought.

'Maybe I am controlling '

No, you're enabling.

Anyone who has beyond a pea-sized brain realises that when you have children, your relationship with your partner or spouse changes, because whilst you're still a couple, you're also a family.

So this 'take her away for a weekend so we can be like we were' doesn't really work because, well, you're not going to be like you were before you had children. Ever.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to puzzle that out.

Moll, he really doesn't think that either you or DD are 'people' you are just appendages to him and his important life (despite the fact that he appears to do fuck all with it).
Did he want a baby. BTW? ANd was it ever discussed what his contribution would be, apart from sperm? I suppose I am trying to see if there is anything that can be said in his favour, and I can just about see the viewpoint of a man who didn;t much want a baby but was told by his partner that one was happening... Still, if he doesn;t want to be a dad he has the option of moving out.

Moll, if he spent a bit more time with her nad actually was responsible for her welfare on his own occasionally, he'd form a better bond.

i would say that though, as since dd1 was born 9 years ago i've made sure dh gets sole charge of 1,2 and now 3 kids if I'm away working for the weekend. I started that when dd1 was 6 month's old and i am sooooo glad.

just leave him with her. a day, a morning (with you going out before she gets up... whatever.

i know you'll miss having time with her, but enoy a couple of hours putting you back on the list.