to shout at dc everyday because they won't respect what I say otherwise?

[strawberryplanter]

I have a good relationship on the whole with my 4 dc age 5-11. When I ask them nicely they invariably ignore me but if I get angry and shout they respond straightaway.

They all have to get ready for school, do hw, all the usual things, but I would love it if I did not have to be cross all the time. Don't get me wrong, we do have fun too and laugh and do lots together.

It's not good for me nor them to think their mum is so angry all the time.

Tips please. Are there any mums out there who never ever shout?

Actually I think my 'teacher voice' is of a lower pitch than my usual voice. It is also slower and the sentences are shorter and much more to the point.

I often use the phrase 'why do you think that is appropriate?'

I rarely shout, not that I think it's wrong or that I go to any effort to do this, it's just not my way.

I'm a combination of Pagwatch 10.03 & MrsRawlinson 10.34. I do the 'consequence' thing in MrsR's type of voice (and the obligatory raised eyebrow). However, somedays I think my eyebrow is going to end up on my arse from being raised so much!

With the consequence thing, I also do the 'abrupt consequence', when you are fed up of asking/telling the same things (whether that's 50 times in an hour or 5x a week - just when you know, they know the consequence of doing/not doing something). Follow through on a consequence without telling them it's going to happen - so, if it's say getting dressed too slowly in the morning and your consequence is going to school in PJ's - Monday when it starts remind them 'if you aren't ready at x time, you will go in your PJ's. I am not telling you this again, so any morning you are not ready by x you will go in your PJ's I am not reminding you again, OK' - walk away. If it happens another morning that week, take them in PJ's without warning.

It's amazing what you can stop nagging about when they believe you say what you mean

Consequences only work if you know their 'buttons' though, so you have to work out what things matter to each child.

I have only had to remove ds from an activity once. I told him calmly that his behaviour was not acceptable and if he (was very specific here - but can't remember now what he did) any more then we would go straight home. He went back in, did the same and I took him home. He cried in the carpark and in the car about the injustice of it all, but he never did it again.

I now just have to say to him in a quiet voice that he needs to x,y or z and he does it.

Another tip is not to humiliate the child, make them lose face or set them up to show off in front of other children. Take them to one side and explain in a short sentence in a low voice. I always say "can you handle that?" get a yes or a nod and send them on their way.

ooooh, I like this thread ALOT (Claps hands lots like a seal)

I am going to adopt a Teacher voice too tomorrow and not shout at all.

I hope it works, my face looks all contorted when I am literally biting my tongue because I get soooo feckin cross at times.

Ah, there we have it. When I use my teacher voice it's just an act (but a convincing one). Underneath I am zen like calm.

I have only lost my rag genuinely twice as a teacher and neither time was it as scary for the child as my fake scariness. It was only a little bit and I was more exasperated than cross but it was not a nice feeling.

If you are genuinely getting cross over little things it's bad for you. There is definitely mileage in persuading yourself not to care.

thirtypence - are you my sister-in-law in Plymouth?

i'm a non shouter.. learned from my mum and it worked for her.. and it works for me too..

go all cold and quiet ish ( it's sort of a slower icey voice lol).. and they have to stop what they are doing to concentrate on what your saying..

I also like to throw in a quieter "would you like an ice cream" every now and then because it keeps them on their toes as they may just may miss out on something nice!

oh yes I have also done the " well if you won't put your shoes on, you'll have to go in just your sock.. which is a shame as it's raining" thing.. once on ds1.. who now reminds the others not to push it with mum as she really will do what she says.

he remembers that rainy day clearly and the cold soggy feet on the way to get into the car! LOL ( it was 11 years ago!)

Didn't shout once today and dd1 came up to me saying 'let me give you a back massage' and ran my bath for me! Think she thought I was ill

Also experimented with 'fairy voice' which they liked, so far so good!

I told a random Dad at schoolgates about my new policy and he recommended I give myself 10p for every time I don't shout so that I buy myself a glass of wine at the end of the week!

Told dh my success and he looked relieved. But how long can I keep it up?

How are you all doing?

making some mental notes here for when ds (20 mths) gets older.....already shout at him though but not that much yet

Boobalina

I am deffo not your sister in law. For a start we would both live in the wrong country.

new day and hopefully as successful as yesterday! we had a family meeting round the kitchen table and discussed that we were all going to stop shouting but if they were naughty then i would explain the consequences and if they continued then they would be taken away fromt he situation and the consequences carried out (didnt obv use the consequences word - dc are all younger than 7!!!)

but we had a good day and i felt so much calmer at the end of the day! and dh got the kids to bed without any shouting!! thats a first!!

hope today goes as well!! how did you all get on?

OMG no shouting either this morning though did issue semi whispered threats and 'you know mummy doesn't want to shout but you know that will make mummy very cross and want to so why are you doing it?'

Seemed to work! Also rather than bellowing at them for breakfast etc I asked in a polite but rather higher toned voice (so would ride on air waves traveling over and across the rabble!) and I asked one dc to ask another dc so that I wouldn't have to.

I feel calmer and happier as a result!

DD1 came up to me 'mummy I have made my bed, got dressed, brushed my hair, done my job and music practice without you asking!'

Me 'What a brilliant girl you are and I didn't have to shout! Well done'

She was the most difficult one so let's see what it's like after school! (And see if it continues)

(But did get cross with dd2) but not loudly.

I guess Im a quiet authoritarian I very rarely shout, a rise in the tone is usually enough. Basically like pagwatch says I mean what I say and don't repeat myself, with kids you have to cut throw all the avoidance BS they through at you straight away.
Another important think is that if your speaking to your kids is that they are actually listening. No point asking them to do something whilst engrossed in something, so get their attention first and make sure they understand when you are talking to them its they must listen eg if they are watching TV put it off before asking them to brush their teeth or whatever.

I sometimes shout. I sometimes don't. It all depends on how I'm feeling. However, totally by accident, I found out how to get DC's to get ready in the morning. One morning I was v.distracted and said 'DS1 can you get your pizza's on please?' Much hysterical laughter and they both went and put their shoes on. Now I replace boring coat/shoes/uniform/bookbag with stupid words and they put everything on quick trying to guess what the stupid word is a replacement for.

I suspect this just works for weird me and my weird children though!

I would love to find a way of not being a complete fishwife with my 2 DDs. They completely ignore any request in a normal voice, I've tried asking nicely, asking firmly etc but in the end if something needs to be done screaming at them is the only thing that has any effect. I hate doing this - how come some children just do what they're told?

Also, I've yet to find an effectice punishment when behaviour is bad. There seems to be nothing I can take away from DD1 (7) which bothers her, and even if I prevent her from going round to see her friend because she's been naughty, she has a screaming tantrum at the time (usually gets sent to her room) but it won't prevent the same behaviour another time.

Can someone tell me how to do a teacher voice? By all accounts she's an angel at school!

I've just picked up this thread from the weekly e-mail. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in my behaviour battles!

I recently had recommended to me the book 'How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk'. It's basically a shouting free parenting handbook that works (mostly!). But really, it is fantastic and I can't recommend it enough. It has definitely changed life in our household for the better and whilst there is still a bit of shouting, and at times a complete loss of my rag, I wouldn't go back to life pre-book!

Who is the author?

Actually, my no shouting policy still stands although it has been quite a challenge. Being patient rather than erupting has been an eye opener for me, and it's amazing how a delay of a few seconds makes a big difference.

Today had a sit down round the kitchen table mtg with dc to discuss a policy for sharing the computers. Asked them for their ideas first then pooled ideas to create a rota over the week. So far so good. Used to be a huge area for contention.

It's also interesting how my no shouting has rubbed off on them and they are also trying to be a bit more reasonable with each other.

(Unfortunately scrapped a bit before hand)

The book is by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and you can get it from Amazon for £7.67. Definitely worth a look. Honestly!

Thanks to everyone for all these fab posts. since ds arrived 2 months ago, i seem to lose my rag with 2.5 yr old dd ALL the time. I have so much less patience for her and feel guilty about it. she's been shouting at me recently too, which makes me feel bad if that's because of me.

What really infuriates me the most is when she deliberately does something I've asked her not to and laughs about it. GRRRR.

But my biggest issue is my language. I would go down well as a ships navvy when i'm frustrated - somehow dd has never ever repeated any of the words I've said - something dh reminds me will not last but for which I'm extremely thankful at this point!

Strawberryplanter, I admire your success in no-shouting policy. it sounds like I'm at the tip of the iceberg given lots of the kids on this thread are older than mine. And I thought it was bad with a 2.5 yr old!

Don't the mum's always get Mullered in Disney films?