to think my inlaws are bullying my son?

[keresley]

I have just been on a caravan holiday with my husband, 2 children and in laws. My ds is allergic to nuts and eggs. Throughout the 4 day holiday my son had to put up with the following:

• being offered sausage, eggg and bacon for breakfast
• my fil having honey loops and singing/dancing round the kitchen saying I'm eating honey nut loops.
• my fil cooking a fried egg, showing the egg to my son saying 'look at this lovely yummy creamy egg'
• my ds being unable to have ice cream in a restaurant (had egg in it), my fil then continued to order the very ice cream that ds couldn't have saying 'I hope it's a big one' whilst waiting for it. Then eating it in front of him. The mil chaged her cream accompayment to the same ice cream.
• (on another occasion) my fil trying to buy my dd ice cream knowing that my ds couldn't have it.
• After ordering soup for lunch, my fil looks down the menu and says oh look cashew nuts- we could order cashew nuts'
• my fil insisting that he ate fried/scrambled egg for breakfast every day even though we asked him not to (it's my holiday is the response we get).
• my fil asking to 'swap' food at lunch time with my son knowing full well there was mayo in his sandwich.

I am so outraged and upset by the whole thing. I didn't make a fuss at the time as I didn't want my ds to think he had been the cause of a row. My dh put it all down to his dad being a bit thick - I put it down to active bullying. Please, please tell me what you think. Am I over reacting? Thanks so much in advance for your responses.

MY goodness the child is FOUR!

I think I would have lamped the ILs

agree with cat. You need to treat this IMHO as a really important issue. Your poor DS needs protecting from this sort of treatment! Just think that there is no-one on this planet better placed to be your son's advocate than you, and if you don't, who will? Make it clear to HIM that you don't stand this sort of insidious bullying toward him. It will be great for him. He doesn't need to feel he's caused a row; if you do it assertively not aggressively he won't get that from it but I think he will get a great sense that you've spoken up for him and stopped it.

What utter idiots they sound.

Ummm....sounds like they are under the illusion that they know better and are continually making the point.

What idiots!

I think you are very patient to put up with that!

I would try the broken record approach. Everytime they do it remind them that he is allergic to eggs, what that means and the possible consequences - in detail!

I agree with Bella

sod not arguing in front of them - they need to see that Mummy stands up for them and for herself, and that this behaviour is NOT normal or acceptable.

I would get dh to print out some information on anaphylaxis and take it over to ILs the very next time they say something like this. I would get him to repeat exactly what they said and ask them why they did it. Were they (a) just being thoughtless or (b) actually trying to get ds to eat some of the food and trigger a reaction. If (a), can they not see how unpleasant it is for a 4 year old to have what he can't do constantly rammed down his throat. If (b), show them the info with the potentially lethal consequences highlighted and ask why they would wish to inflict that on their grandchild.

I hope PIL just has not thought through what he is saying, but whatever the reasons it needs to stop, or he needs to stop seeing ds. What if he taunts ds and finally ds says "OK, I will eat the egg mayo sandwich just to show you"?

How horrible and bizarre. Can understand why you wanted to protect ds from a row, but I do agree with people saying he needs to see you standing up for him and challenging FIL every time FIL acts like a twat.

Even if they SHOULD have some understanding of allergies, agree with Goosey it is still worth ramming the message home by taking printed literature over. Explain to them that this is so important to protect ds's health and to protect his feelings that if FIL continues to bully/taunt ds, you will have to stop them seeing him. Make them release it is that serious - they behave like reasonable human beings or they don't see ds, however hurtful that would be.

Obviously you'll want to talk this over with dh but make sure he isn't too feeble to stand up to his parents over ds's very life, for heaven's sake!

Keresley, That's terrible. I'm with others on the thread & think you should pull them up on it EVERY time it happens. Your DS needs to know that you're looking out for him & see that his GPs are in the wrong. And to hell with avoiding the issue just to keep the peace. Some things are too important to ignore.

I would pull them up on it every time. I would also buy them books about allergies and make them the simplest ones I could find.
Then I would move on to speaking louder and using shorter words, as if to a child, and asking if they have other issues withtheir memory and understanding - have they thought about going to the GP if they are finding understanding basic things so challenging. I would start using the phrase " I guess at your time of life the brain can start to get a bit confused about things like allergies. Never mind - you've still got your health.
If all that failed I would then add very simply baby explainations to your DS in a loud voice
"SORRY DC. Granpa and grnny just don't really understand about your allergies. They don't mean to be unkind and keep offering you things - they are just a bit ......confused. Poor them"

But then I am a cow

yanbu- they sound barmy and horrid!

yanbu- they sound barmy and horrid!

I know your MIL has seen your DS go into shock and taken to hospital, but has your FIL?

Because it sounds like he is the driving force here.

My father is similar - thinks allergies etc are all in the mind. My DH is asthmatic and my parents live in a very large, musty old house. At the moment with hay fever etc, it's impossible for DH to visit them. I have seen him have asthma attacks and it's just horrible. I just tell my parents he has difficulties staying at "other people's houses", I don't say it is just their house.

My father would never go on about it to DH, but to me he makes comments like "how strange" etc, as if it some utterly new affliction no-one's ever heard of that DH must be making up.

But at least DH is an adult. Your DS is only four - it's terrible.

Hi
I agree with the others, and would definitely have had to say something at the time. DCs have cousins and friends with serious allergies, and DC1 (he's 4) is capable of understanding that when his friends are over we don't have any thing that contains milk. If a 4 year old can understand that your FIL has no excuse. He sounds ignorant, try to educate him but if that doesn't work stand up for your child.
Donna

My parents are over 70 and they take my DN's alergies very seriosly and alwys make sure that they have an alternative treat for them whenever they visit.Your PIL sound as if they don't realise how serious allergies are.

pagwatchs idea sounds good

what arses they are!