Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think my inlaws are bullying my son?

64 replies

keresley · 22/06/2009 22:37

I have just been on a caravan holiday with my husband, 2 children and in laws. My ds is allergic to nuts and eggs. Throughout the 4 day holiday my son had to put up with the following:

being offered sausage, eggg and bacon for breakfast
my fil having honey loops and singing/dancing round the kitchen saying I'm eating honey nut loops.
my fil cooking a fried egg, showing the egg to my son saying 'look at this lovely yummy creamy egg'
my ds being unable to have ice cream in a restaurant (had egg in it), my fil then continued to order the very ice cream that ds couldn't have saying 'I hope it's a big one' whilst waiting for it. Then eating it in front of him. The mil chaged her cream accompayment to the same ice cream.
(on another occasion) my fil trying to buy my dd ice cream knowing that my ds couldn't have it.
After ordering soup for lunch, my fil looks down the menu and says oh look cashew nuts- we could order cashew nuts'
my fil insisting that he ate fried/scrambled egg for breakfast every day even though we asked him not to (it's my holiday is the response we get).
my fil asking to 'swap' food at lunch time with my son knowing full well there was mayo in his sandwich.

I am so outraged and upset by the whole thing. I didn't make a fuss at the time as I didn't want my ds to think he had been the cause of a row. My dh put it all down to his dad being a bit thick - I put it down to active bullying. Please, please tell me what you think. Am I over reacting? Thanks so much in advance for your responses.

OP posts:

EyePeam · 22/06/2009 23:10

that they understand the implications of his allergies and yet behave like this. you or (preferably) your DH need to have words. and don't go on holiday with them again until they mend their ways!

Chunkamatic · 22/06/2009 23:12

Do you feel like you could say something to them or are they too moronic to understand?

I would think twice about letting them look after your son (if they ever do) if they think that this kind of behaviour is in anyway amusing.

Would your DH say something to them? Sounds like he is maybe not that surprised by his Dad's behaviour so maybe they are just morons?!

MoominMymbleandMy · 22/06/2009 23:15

My goodness, they are truly awful. That is completely unacceptable behaviour.

I did wonder at first if they were 'there's no such thing as food allergies' types. I have heard a headmaster tell a hall filled with parents that, adding it was just fussy children, in his opinion.

But when you added they knew the danger I was utterly shocked. I wouldn't go near them again.

What a terrible holiday. Poor you.

aristocat · 22/06/2009 23:20

your ILs are disgusting and i am really shocked at their behaviour

SolidGoldBrass · 22/06/2009 23:45

I do wonder why they are being so vile. Are they generally horrible people? Were they nasty bullying parents to your DH when he was a kid? Or is it that they resent you for some reason and therefore want to harass your DS? Because this is awful behaviour.

moondog · 23/06/2009 00:04

Why on earth did you go on holiday with them?

LaurieFairyCake · 23/06/2009 00:26

I know people like this. They are terribly insecure about who they are and in company they pick on someone and make them the butt of jokes/conversation to deflect attention from themselves.

I actually went on a weekend away with 3 other couples and them about 8 years ago. The married (heterosexual) couple asked constantly the gay couple questions - and I mean constantly. All weekend.

It was either thinly disguised homophobia or very poor social skills - they just didn't want to be 'seen' in company, any conversation/questions towards themselves they deflected.

Onestonetogo · 23/06/2009 00:38

Keresley, how awful for your little boy to witness such ignorance and bullying behaviour. How did they make him feel, I wonder.
You and your DH should have told your PIL in no half term that what they were doing was unacceptable.

YANBU, but please do tell them they're a pair of c.

thirtypence · 23/06/2009 00:54

Crikey - a kid at Kindy waved a banana in front of ds's face and taunted him with it and his parents were called in for a chat.

What was your dh thinking letting them away with this?

2rebecca · 23/06/2009 08:17

They sound mean and selfish. Having said that if I went on holiday with someone I wouldn't expect them to alter their diet to suit me and/or kids so wouldn't object to them eating eggs. I like cooked breakfasts on holiday. All this waving food around and taunting is very childish though.
At least the next move is easy. You never go on holiday with them again and avoid long stays with them. I agree husband should have been being less passive and standing up for his son.

saggyjuju · 23/06/2009 11:24

top and bottom of it is respect or lack of, we get it rammed down our throats that our generation are responsible for the breakdown of the extended family,and yes would love a close SUPPORTIVE family probably like everyone else on mn, but am sick of hearing about and myself being shit on by TWATS who are supposed to be close family members who seem to make it their sole job in life to cause upset and yes emotional bullying for the ones they are supposed to love [angy] keresly sorry for my rant on your rant,but totally feel for you x

saggyjuju · 23/06/2009 11:25

thats not [angy],need to calm down

IWishIWasAFrog · 23/06/2009 12:34

And your DH let them do this, every day? Without saying anything? I would have left. Do you ever leave him with them, sleepovers and weekends? Because if you do... I would seriously reconsider it. Good luck.

Morloth · 23/06/2009 13:02

They sound like nutters, I wouldn't bother with them anymore and unless DH is 100% up to speed on the allergy front he wouldn't be taking the kids to see them either.

Christmas and Birthdays from now on I reckon.

Bucharest · 23/06/2009 13:07

Dh needs to talk to them.
They're his parents.
Good luck....

Squidward · 23/06/2009 13:08

i htink they think you are making up the allergies.

are you?

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/06/2009 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

keresley · 23/06/2009 14:17

Thanks again for your responses - I appreciate it. I don't think my FIL would actually ever give my ds food with eggs/nuts in - he knows it would be dangerous for him. In terms of offering egg/nut foods - he usually does so and then will say oh no, you can't have it - it has nuts/eggs in (usually accompanied with something like _ 'I can have it though'). So, it seems it is almost like a game to him. Other than everything, I've told you - he is actually a lovely grandad ( I know you might find this hard to believe!). My MIL is usually a lovely nanna - they just act so badly when it comes to ds allergies. My husband will sometimes make low level comments when his dad does/says something (like: dad, stop it) but we are both aware that we don't want to make a scene in front of ds. We don't want him to think he has caused an argument. I think my husband needs to go over to their house and talk to them both. They will react badly and there will probably be an argument but I can't allow this to happen to my ds anymore - especially as it happens so frequently. Thank you for making me realise that I am not over reacting to the situation and for your support.

OP posts:

DragonMamiCooksPotatoes · 23/06/2009 18:40

I have serious allergies that have put me in hospital on more than one occasion. As a result I'm extremely careful to avoid contact with my triggers. For some reason some people seem to find this amusing & deliberately try to trigger an attack. It was only when I did actually have an allergic reaction that the people involved realised how dangerous it can be. It turned out that they thought it would just be a little bit of wheezing & coughing and didn't believe it was as serious as I'd said. I think your in-laws probably don't really believe it's as bad as you say as they may not have seen a reaction.

I wouldn't bother giving your son an egg just to prove it though.

Original poster

keresley · 23/06/2009 18:44

DragonMami - my MIL has actually witnessed my son having an anaphylatic shock and went with him (along with my dh)when he was rushed to hospital.

OP posts:

thirtypence · 23/06/2009 21:36

If he gets "teased" like this at school he needs to be able to tell the teacher straight away. Not sit there avoiding an argument. You need to lead from the front.

Do not do anything with these people that involves food and let your son and them know why now.

cornsilk · 23/06/2009 21:40

I think you need to stand up to them in front of your son. He will have to be assertive about this issue himself when he is older. Make it clear to him that he has not caused this problem - they have.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 23/06/2009 21:49

I don't get this thing about allowing the IL's to behave disgracefully in order to avoid an argument.

It is good for children to see their parents drawing a line in the sand which must not be crossed.

You can make it very clear to him that he didn't cause the argument. They did.

It seems to me that your IL's are taking advantage of your reluctance to confront them in front of your DS, to behave like absolute bastards, quite frankly. I cannot believe that any normal, nice person would behave like this towards a child, it's just gobsmackingly nasty.

Heated · 23/06/2009 22:05

Every time FIL does this challenge it. It's totally not acceptable.

Initially I thought merely how irritating & childish but when I read your ds gets anaphylactic shock I couldn't believe how bloody irresponsible.

What happens if ds takes FIL at his word and takes a bite of the food he thinks is being offered? And to make ds resentful and upset about the food he cannot eat is cruel and again may lead ds to wanting to try the 'forbidden'. He's only 4 fgs and too young to be getting mixed messages on such a serious life-threatening issue.

catinthehat2 · 23/06/2009 22:18

Face it, if you employed these people you would have fired them long ago. If they were strangers in a bus queue, you would have considered calling the police.

If any relative of mine treated my child in that mocking nasty way - forget about the allergies - forget about the lovely grandad nonsense - that would have been the absolute last time they saw the grandchild, in the absence of a grovelling written apology issued, frankly, on bended knee.

Flip

1 2 3