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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH

26 replies

islandlassie · 22/06/2009 21:07

I will try and be quick.

I have looked after DS today as usual and he went to work, DS is ill and at only 8 months old deals with it by crying, whining and being VERY clingy.

DH comes back from work and goes for a two hour run as he is training for a marathon so i cook dinner ( I always do)

Mess such as pans happen and we do not have a dishwasher so there were plates and pans lying around the kitchen after we had finished, I asked DH if he would do the dishes as i was putting the wee one to bed and then had to do a couple of hours studying at which point DH blurts out 'NO! Why should i do it?' Very angry

He is a NEAT FREAK and is not happy unless the house doesnot look lived in (nothing out of place) I on the other hand am 19 and was always very messy before but nnow making a concious effort to tidy and doing ok i think. House is not too bad in my opinion, i have swept and tidied but the wee one pulls things down and not everything iss put away and there is a pile of washing beside the washing machine to do.

Now AIBU to think he should gimme a break and just do the dishes. Its my job but i have to study tonight and am already tired. His argument is that when he does the cooking he tidies along the way (but the few times he has cooked he has made only a fliping stirfry so not exactly messy)

AIBU to be angry?

OP posts:
poopscoop · 22/06/2009 21:11

It is give and take. Although you generaly may do the washing up, DS is not generaly ill like this, so there must be some sort of compromise.

If you are going to spend more time settling baby, and DH insists that the house needs to be tidied, then he needs to get up off his arse and contribute.

Today is not a usual routine day, Tell him that. If he gets the arse, then let him know that you are more than happy to leave the dishes until some time tommo when you get round to it...

poopscoop · 22/06/2009 21:12

generally my typing is horrendous tonight

rubyslippers · 22/06/2009 21:15

he should do it because he has had 2 hours to devote to his hobby tonight

because you have cooked and it is courtesy to share household chores

and because you need to study

is he usually like this?

Overmydeadbody · 22/06/2009 21:17

yanbu

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 21:23

It's ok he has just apologied for acting so angry but still wont do it.

To be fair he used ot end up doing the cleaning after work because i was lazy and had not done it so i am tryiing to prove now i will keep the place clean. In my angry i think i failed to mention that this is a techy issue not really because of his OCD but beacause of MY laziness in the past.

Sorry to bother

OP posts:
MuppetsMuggle · 22/06/2009 21:24

Tell him to settle DS and you do the dishes and put the washing on. give him a choice he either does one or the other, after all as ruby said he had 2 hrs on his hobby, now is your turn to have 2 hrs free

MuppetsMuggle · 22/06/2009 21:25

IL - its still not the point, if he wants things spotless he needs to contribute to the chores, and not just doing it "for you"

EternalSmugnessOTSpotlessLife · 22/06/2009 21:25

YANBU

I'd just stack the dishes and leave them 'til tomorrow.

Sounds like he's putting more value on the work that he does during the day than the work that you do.

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 21:27

Haha we just had the its not for me but for us discussion!!

OP posts:
ingles2 · 22/06/2009 21:28

oh right,.... so he has you over a barrel because you have been messy in the past!?... nice
If I were you, I'd be telling him to clean up the kitchen as he's been out running for 2 hours and you need to study.. FFS it's not like you want a night out on the tiles is it!
YANBU

MuppetsMuggle · 22/06/2009 21:29

LOL! So which is he doing the washing up or putting DS to bed?

ingles2 · 22/06/2009 21:30

what's not for you? the running?? to bloody right it's not!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 22/06/2009 21:30

Well, I was very lazy about housework in the past, and DH got home from work earlier than me then and used to do a bit of tidying etc whereas I did nothing . Now that I am at home, I have gone abit the other way (ie anal), but DH still comes home and does dishes if they are sitting, or hoovers- I don't think he thinks much of it; I think he realises that if it isn't done is it because I haven't had time, not because I can't be arsed- your DH needs to realise the same, and help out!

clam · 22/06/2009 21:30

When your baby is unwell, normal routines go out of the window. He needs to recognise that - and acknowledge the effort you've been making recently to change things.

But I also think he is showing a lack of basic consideration and care towards you - you've clearly had a hard day, and have still studying to do, whereas he's made time for himself to go running, which he presumably enjoys.

YANBU

DesperateHousewifeToo · 22/06/2009 21:49

He is being unreasonable.

Is he expecting you to wait on him?

You have both been busy all day, you have cooked a meal.

He has now finished his work for the day, managed to fit in 2 hours of leisure time but is still expecting you to continue ''working'' while he does nothing.

Imho the evening/weekend chores should be shared otherwise the one person has no 'time off' (I'm still trying to impress this on my dh!).

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 21:53

Exactly but i dont think DH realises that looking after a child is not like when he swans in and DS wants cuddles and is quiet. He seems not to realise the differnce in the was DS reacts to him compared to the was he acts with me!

GRR

So many times i have heard the sentance 'well you get the full time job and i'll look after the waen happily'

OP posts:
Alambil · 22/06/2009 22:00

sounds about time for some me-time... alone... in a hotel somewhere from friday night to monday morning

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 22:03

lol tempting!

I have just given the 'thats it, no more, time for some respect and consideration' speech and i think he had to agree because now he is not just getting proof i am willing to contribute but startin to take the pee. I'm putting my foot down!

Thank you ladies!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 22:04

Can you tell we are not long married trying to learn to work together??? not easy! hehe

OP posts:
aristocat · 22/06/2009 22:04

give yourself a day off and then DH might understand how much work you actually do!

leftangle · 22/06/2009 22:05

Taking a bit of time for yourself is not being lazy - why shouldn't you get some time to study. You shouldn't have to ask him.

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 22:10

Thing is i wasnt being lazy that way i was being down right lazy not doing ANYTHING except taking care of DS.

Also i would expect him to ask me to go out and vice versa that is the type of relationship we have but thing is i should be able to ask him to do dishes without geting my head bit off now that i have got my act together.

OP posts:
DesperateHousewifeToo · 22/06/2009 22:20

If you paid someone to look after your ds instead of you doing it, would he think this person was lazy if they spent their day doing just that?

No, he would expect them to concentrate on ds.

I'm not saying there is never time to do other things but sometimes there is not.

You need to leave him to be in sole charge for a couple of days for him to fully appreciate what it it like sometimes.

Original poster
islandlassie · 22/06/2009 22:28

I would love to but not sure what i would do for a couple of days. I haven't a lot of money and my friends are also young wives with chidren,,,, actually maybe i could organise a mums day out?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 22/06/2009 22:55

do it oragnise that day out and leave them all to cope with the babes and a list of chores to do before you come back.
He just doesn't know needs to find out for himself.