Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think driving 6 hours is excessive

73 replies

Aeschylus · 19/06/2009 18:25

Need help!!!

DW and me have been locked in battle over a party tomorrow...

DW's Dad, has some sort of mystical hold over DW, despite them only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a year...

he told DW a few months ago about this party @ Chigwell, London he was having, we live in North Norfolk..

I estimate will take 3 hours each way, party is from 1-8pm, however we have a 15 month old, who does not do well if his routine is messed up, and is very clingy, and hates strange men... and this week is cutting a double tooth...

so is generally ficking misreable, I look after DS full time DW works....

at present he goes to sleep at approx 7.30, DW wants to go to party and leave at 6pm, I said no way can we keep him awake for a 3 hour journey on way home, and from previous experience he will wake up when we try to get him out of car, and not go back to sleep...

he is a light sleeper, and once woken can take a while to get him off again

so I said I dont want to go, cue fireworks...all week....

I have offered to go but we levae at 4pm, this was not acceptable

I have offered just for DW to go, this was not acceptable.

I have offered for Nan to sit and me and DW can go, this was not acceptable...

DW has gone out tonight and has charged me with finding away that we can go, I have said unless you pull a helicopter out of your ass, we aint going....

she tried talking to her Dad last night, and he was like "chrildren get sick", "chrildren teeth", "no traffic in London on a sataurday".

so we have reached deadlock, DW said we will just have to put with DS being grumpy for a few days after party, I said no, that is not fair...

what do I do, please help!!!!!

am I really being unreasonable, I am the original billy no mates, so could do with some outside opinion please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aeschylus · 19/06/2009 18:54

you see the thing is, when DW was 16, she did not go to a party here dad had organised, and he stopped speaking to her for 4 years.....

nowadays he only calls if someone dies, our DS has seen him once, he only lives 30 miles away....

I can not stand the guy, as he clicks his fingers and DW does running, b/c she openly admits she is scared he will stop speaking to her..

this to me is no way to have a relationship with someone, fear that they will stop talking to you if you say or do anything they dont like

OP posts:
Surfermum · 19/06/2009 18:55

Bonkerz is not so bonkers. Great idea!

moshie · 19/06/2009 18:56

I wouldn't want to spend six hours in a car myself, I'd stay overnight after the party, but I certainly wouldn't let a child's routine get in the way of a family gathering. Just go with the flow a bit.
You don't seem very family orientated, just because your wife doesn't see her dad very often doesn't mean he's not important to her, all the more reason to make the effort and go. "Mystical hold" indeed - he's her dad, your son's grandfather!

Morloth · 19/06/2009 19:01

If you don't want to go, then don't go - but it doesn't sound like DS's routine is the reason.

VeraChuckandDave · 19/06/2009 19:02

Tricky one. I have a 16mo who screams non-stop for car journeys of more than 30-60 mins (on a god day) and won't sleep in the car, so you have my sympathies. We avoid journeys with him if at all possible BUT we're united on that front.

But, I still think in your shoes I'd be inclined to have one hellish day for the sake of making dw and her dad happy. I wouldn't spread it over two days - have one that is difficult (worst case scenario - may actually be ok) then the next day to recover from it at home and get back on track.

If I were you I'd offer to drive and allow your dw to deal with all the smiling, cajoling, singing merry songs, handing out of toys etc that is the lot of the passenger [scheming emoticon ].

I think I'd be inclined to stay until 7 or 8 pm, pop him into his pyjamas, and hope that he might sleep for some of the return trip.

cathcat · 19/06/2009 19:06

Why is the party in Chigwell then if FIL lives 30 miles from you?
Will other family be there?
Agree with Morloth that there are underlying reason for you not wanting to go.

feedthegoat · 19/06/2009 19:22

Would 6 hours travel seem reasonable it was something you actually wanted to do? If so then you are being abit unreasonable.

I don't think it's too much travelling for one day, we've got to do 6 hours soon in one go to get to our holiday destination soon. We also drove Yorkshire to Cornwall when ds was 7 months and Yorkshire to Cork when he was 18 months in one day each. I don't think their routine matters for one day.

Bigpants1 · 19/06/2009 19:27

Yes, its along way to go to a party, but, its your dws family, and, know what, if you go,you may just enjoy yourself.If you are at home each day with ds, it will be nice for you to have adult company and relax a bit.(Unless you and dws family dont see eye to eye!)
Your ds will cope with change to routine-I know, I have 6 dc.But, I have never had really strict routine-ie set nap-time, bed-time,as young toddlers, so days out,have never been too fraught. If ds doesnt travel well, you may have to resign yourself, to having a short stop on the way there, and let him have a little run/crawl around.You maybe wont need to do this on way back, as ds may sleep.
Take Calpol and teething gel with you. Yes,ds will probably waken on arrival home, but let him play quietly and he will eventually settle. You may even get a lie-in the next morning and a happy dw,cos you gave her a nice weekend!

BONKERZ · 19/06/2009 19:28

THANKS SURFER MUM!

Lilyloo · 19/06/2009 19:29

I personally think you are making excuses not to go more based on how you feel about her dad.
That is her choice and she has made it clear she wants to go , i think you should support her in that.
As others have said there are lot's of ways of overcoming the issues you are putting in the way of going.
yabu

Portofino · 19/06/2009 19:29

We got married when my dd was 15 months old and went to Sardinia on honeymoon. She was well up for baby disco every evening. Somenights we stayed in and put her to bed early. Others we stayed out late. Like an earlier poster said, she was the life and soul - and slept in in the morning.....Children are adaptable, if you let them be.....Like others have said, if you're worried that he won't settle, let DW deal with it....

2rebecca · 19/06/2009 19:49

Our kids regularly went on long car journeys from being a few weeks old as distant relatives. Not usually a problem getting them to go back to sleep when home. Agree if wife is keen to go let her deal with sprog if he's restless during the night. Staying overnight in B&B/tent is another option.
Australians regularly travel 3 hours to a party, at least the ones I know in darwin do, they think Brits are wimpy about distances.

Podrick · 19/06/2009 19:52

I really appreciate your feelings about your fil.

It is very hard to deal with when someone treats one of your loved ones badly and yet your loved one wants to build bridges. Unfortunately I think all you can do is to support her decisions and be there to pick up the pieces if required.

I understand now why you are not keen and I do sympathise.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/06/2009 19:52

YABU

This year we have done a 3 hour trip to Kent, stayed over night (good suggestion) driven to Germany (7 hours) stayed 3 days and then came back in one go (minus 2 hours on ferry) with 3 year old and as he was then 8 months, just done 15 hours back from Belfast with same children, again via a 2 hour ferry trip. It is her family party, yes he may be out of sync for a day or 2 but they adapt.

2rebecca · 19/06/2009 19:55

I must admit though that I don't think the baby is going to get much out of this party, and if I was your wife I'd be happy to drive myself to the party, find somewhere near party to stay the night and return next day leaving you sprogsitting. Why is she so desperate to take you and baby for 1 day? Could understand if visiting folk for weekend and something in it for baby.

pranma · 19/06/2009 19:57

If you travel back with him inpjs and set off at his bedtime he probably wont wake fully when you transfer him.

hf128219 · 19/06/2009 19:57

I agree with all the posts that children are very adaptable. My dd moved house 3 times in 9 months.

We regularly drive to Edinburgh and to France from Surrey.

If it's nighttime she's in her grobag (you can get ones that fit car seats) - we have also been known to get her up at 04.00 and drive somewhere - stopping for breakfast at her normal time and getting her dressed in the boot!

Just do it.

JackBauer · 19/06/2009 19:58

It's one night. Suck it up. If your DW wants to see her family then you shoudl go with her.
How would you feel if it wa the other way round? You wanted to see your family with your ds and she said a flat no and refused to discuss it?
You'd probably be pissed off, right?

IME children will fall asleep in a car seat if bored, so irrelvant of what time you leave he wil end up sleeping, so go, leave at the end, he will probably sleep the whole way back and you can transfer him, if not then it's only a day out of hsi routine, it won't kill him.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/06/2009 19:59

If it also means so much to her then you as her husband should be supportive not so bloody obstructive.

largeginandtonic · 19/06/2009 20:04

Go yabu.

I like the idea of staying over, very sensible.

FlappyTheBat · 19/06/2009 20:34

Have just thought of something else, it doesn't matter how often your dw sees her father, if she wants to go to her fathers party with her family, then you should go.

Would you have had a different viewpoint if they saw each other every month?

SarahL2 · 19/06/2009 21:04

I've got a very similar thing happening next weekend.

It's my auntie's 50th birthday and we've been invited to go - only she lives in Yorkshire (along with the rest of my family) and we live in Buckinghamshire so it's a 2.5-3 hour drive each way. I very rarely see my Auntie (only at weddings generally) but it would mean a lot to my Mum if we went so...

We're driving down on the Saturday and staying overnight at my Mum's. The party is from 4 on the Sunday and we'll stay until 2 yo DS's bedtime, then put him in his Pj's, give him some milk then tuck him up in his car seat with a blanket and drive home. Hopefully, he'll be so deeply asleep by the time we get home that we'll be able to transfer to his bed without too much hassle.

I'm afraid i'm with the "it's only one night, he'll be fine" brigade. I'm a SAHM so I'm going to be the one dealing with the grumpy toddler (who has toddler group and swimming lessons to do) on the Monday but I'm sure it'll be fine. As others have said, kids are more adaptable than we think sometimes.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 19/06/2009 21:10

I think YABU about worrying about how your sn will cope with the blip to routine, its one night. It sounds like you have good reason to not like your FIL much. If your FIL was a much nicer person and you liked him would you still feel as strongly about not going? Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like you don't think your DW should go becasue of how her dad treats her and you're using your son as an excuse. Sorry if I'm wrong but its how it seems and I'm not having a go at you about that.

But I do think that you need to take a step back and let her sort her own relationship with her dad out however skewed it appears to be. If she wants you all to go then go.

scaryteacher · 19/06/2009 21:15

It really depends on the relationship you and your dw have with her Dad. It sounds like he can be quite controlling and that you don't want this impinging on your marriage and your dc.

I had a similar relationship with my Dad; luckily my dh saw right through him and wouldn't let him bully me. The relationship with my Dad was never really normal and the 'odd hold' you describe only disappeared when he died. It can only be described as waiting for the other boot to fall.

SerendipitousHarlot · 19/06/2009 21:20

I think YABU.

I appreciate how you feel about your FIL, but I think you're using your ds's routine as an excuse if I'm honest. If he breaks his routine for one day/night, it's not the end of the world, and it's coming across as very PFB, sorry.

I've had one of those partners that flatly refuse to do those 'duty' visits, and it's really aggravating.

Swipe left for the next trending thread