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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with nursery?

32 replies

muminthecity · 18/06/2009 21:36

I probably AB(a bit)U as this is a sensitive issue for me, but DD came home from nursery today with a bag full of paintings/drawings etc, one of which was a fathers day card which said "To Daddy, I love you, Love from DD xxx", in an adult's handwriting, another of which was an indecipherable painting which had "My Daddy" written at the top in DD's handwriting.

DD hasn't seen her father since she was 2 (18 months ago) and has no memory of him. It was his choice to walk away, and despite my attempts to resume contact, he has never had any interest whatsoever. I made this very clear to the nursery when she started 12 months ago. I know that with father's day approaching there is bound to be a lot of discussion about daddies, but surely DD can't be the only child in the nursery with an absent father? Then again, it is a small nursery so maybe she is. I guess I was just expecting a bit more sensitivity, I know the head and DD's keyworker are both aware of our situation, and it would only take a second to check her file if another teacher was unsure.

DD has never mentioned her father, or asked any questions, she just accepts her family the way it is. Of course I am fully prepared for the questions that she might ask about her father, I have been since he walked away, it was bound to come up sooner or later, I'm just disappointed with the way it's come about.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cocolepew · 18/06/2009 21:39

YANBU I work in a school and we know all the children in the class family situations.

sporadicname · 18/06/2009 21:40

YANBU

I am that they would do this to you and your DD. It is so inappropriate, you must be fuming. They should know before sending anything like this out.

Without a doubt you should speak to0 the nursery and tell them what they have done and how disappointed and upset you are.

merryandmad · 18/06/2009 21:41

No YANBU
My sister is in a similar situation. Her daughter's nursery asked whether she wanted her to make a father's day card. I think they say the horrified look on her face, so Niece is makig a father's day card for her grandad instead.
They should be more aware of situation.

SoupDragon · 18/06/2009 21:41

YABU - what did you expect them to do? Wouldn't she have felt left/singled out if they'd said to all the other children to do something for their daddy and not her??

DidEinsteinsMum · 18/06/2009 21:42

YANBU!!!!!!
They don't always check - they didn't wrt ds allergies. Aparently one worker didn't know that raisin were from grapes - interesting as both were listed on the front page of his daily record so they didn't even have to look at file. I was very unreasonable and complained officially and remove ds!

If you are unhappy speak to them and complain. It is not unreasonable for them to respect the fact that daddy isn't about and therefore alternative activity could be done.

bumpybecky · 18/06/2009 21:42

YANBU and at the insensitivity of the nursery

tattycoram · 18/06/2009 21:43

YANBU. There must be ways around this, I would be very surprised if there weren't other children in the nursery in similair situations. I would be fuming

Singstar · 18/06/2009 21:43

YANBU - they should be more sensitive to your particular situation. What would they do if they had a child who's father had died? It's just as just sensitive an issue for the child - they don't have a father in their life. I would say something if I were you.

Kiwinyc · 18/06/2009 21:44

I'm sorry for your situation but I wouldn't have expected a Nursery to have necessarily remembered your personal circumstances after a year. And they would have included your DD in the activity thats all, they didn't do it to rub the situation into your face.

fucksticks · 18/06/2009 21:47

YANBU!!
thats terrible.
Soupdragon -they could very easily say 'we're all making cards today' and then ask whether muminthecity's DD wants to make one to grandad or an uncle etc.
Or even have had a word with muminthecity that morning at drop off to let her know they would be doing card making and who might they suggest DD make a card for?

Its shit that they have been so insensitive, i'd be fuming

onepieceofcremeegg · 18/06/2009 21:47

YANBU, there was no need for them to behave so insensitively. It would have been easy for your dd to be "included" in the activity, e.g. making a card for you.

When a dc gets older (imo) they may opt to make a card say for a grandparent/uncle. At your dd's age she wouldn't think it odd that she was making a card for you I am sure.

Noonki · 18/06/2009 21:48

YANBU - that is really poor.

I would go in and remind them.

is it a private nursery or one attached to a school?

Original poster
muminthecity · 18/06/2009 21:48

Soupdragon - My dad often collects DD from nursery, and since DD spends an awful lot of time with her grandparents I would assume that she talks about them at nursery, they could've got her to make a father's day card for him. Or even let her make a card for me, without mentioning father's day.

Also, there are lots of different activities going on at any one time, if she didn't make a card she wouldn't feel excluded, she could just join in with a different activity. There are options.

I think I will have a chat with them tomorrow and ask them to make sure all staff are aware of the situation and show a bit of sensitivity.

OP posts:
Nahui · 18/06/2009 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Deemented · 18/06/2009 21:49

YANBU.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow when ds comes out of nursery. I know that they have been doing something to mark fathers day and this is the first fathers day since dh died, so am waiting to see what happens.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/06/2009 21:49

YANBU

I did work experience in a nursery a few years ago and one of the children's mother had died, so what they did was that any day like this the owner just encouraged them to do a card for whoever they wanted to.

TeaOneSugar · 18/06/2009 21:50

YANBU, she could have still done the painting without the message - or a card for a gf or for you, very insensitive and thoughtless.

When my dd was at nursery they asked when she joined if there were any family circumstances like this they needed to know about and asked us to let them know if anything changed - just for this reason.

piscesmoon · 18/06/2009 21:50

I think you have to make sure that you catch them and discuss it before something like father's day-not leave it to chance. It is equally bad if they miss her out. I used to arrange that my DS did a card for Grandad-the nursery can't know if she has a suitable grandad and what she calls him unless you tell them.

Original poster
muminthecity · 18/06/2009 21:51

Noonki - It's a private nursery and this isn't the first issue I've had with them, I posted a thread in parenting about them a few days ago. I have considered moving DD to another nursery, but she just seems so happy and settled there.

OP posts:
ThingOne · 18/06/2009 21:51

If it's a small nursery of course they should have remembered. It's a significant thing to remember about a child. I would complain, in writing, so it's on their file to remind them not to be such arses again. To anyone.

Original poster
muminthecity · 18/06/2009 21:53

piscesmoon - They do know that she has a Grandad and what she calls him as this was all discussed and written down when she joined. Also, he collects her often so they have all met him lots of times - all of his details and his photo are in her file!

OP posts:
herbietea · 18/06/2009 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aristocat · 18/06/2009 21:57

i am shocked - of course YANBU.
the nursery should have included her in somthing else or done the card for grandad.

definately go in and remind them of your situation.

sporadicname · 18/06/2009 22:06

I don't agree at all that you should have to check or expect to tell them. Whenever activities such as Father's day and Mothers day are planned nursery staff should think through the children in their care and look at the information you have provided, which should be on file.

Most early years settings would not think twice about showing some compassion, understanding and knowledge of the children in their care and dealing with this situation carefully, OP's nursery have not shown any of these attributes.

My dad died when I was a baby, imagine what would have happened had I taken a painting home to my Mum?

tattycoram · 18/06/2009 22:22

The key worker should absolutely be aware of your circumstances shouldn't they? Very poor practice

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