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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

, when I'm told 'You're making a rod for your own back".....

81 replies

Juwesm · 18/06/2009 16:59

...to take said rod and beat the person in question to a pulp with it?

Co-sleeping with my 9-week old - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll be sleeping with you until he's 23'
Carrying Velcro baby around with me all the time - ' You're making a rod for your own back, you'll never be able to put him down'
Picking up my baby when he cries - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll learn that he can get attention just by crying'
Feeding him on demand - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll never want to eat at normal times'

And so on, and so forth.
AIBU, AIBPFB?

And what is 'a rod for one's own back'? Where is that from? Who has a rod up their back?

OP posts:

GentlyDidIt · 18/06/2009 23:19

I think the next friend of mine to have a baby will receive a gift from me of a lovely, shiny rod with "For your own back" written on it, so that they can point at it and say "Too late, I've already got one"

hunkermunker · 18/06/2009 23:19

Horton, often women haven't realised there's another way of doing things. Especially the older generation (who inform a lot of our parenting practice these days) are of the opinion you can spoil a baby with cuddles, etc.

I find it very interesting to talk to people about why they think things like that. Generally they haven't really thought all that much about it at all.

Horton · 18/06/2009 23:21

Hahahaha! Great idea, Gently!

Goodnight, Starbear, hope if you are scared in the night that someone will be kind to you!

Horton · 18/06/2009 23:24

Yes, that makes a lot of sense, hunkermunker. It is still sad, though, isn't it? It really upsets me that someone would basically punish (by withdrawing attention) a v tiny baby for saying it was sad by crying, ie in the only way it can say anything. Should probably go to bed too now as am not making as much sense as I'd like!

Original poster

Juwesm · 18/06/2009 23:33

Ooh, this thread is now making me feel like a wonderful mother! Thank you all for your replies! So many of you have phrased it so well.

I completely agree - tiny babies are nothing but a bundle of reflexes and needs and instincts, and to not pick them up when they're crying is to deny every maternal instinct. Why do people do this? Co-sleeping/ carrying/ demand feeding etc just seems so natural to me. Initially I didn't want to co-sleep, but having been 'forced' into it by Velcro Baby, I am so glad that I do I now. My initial reasons for not wanting to do it come, I think, from listening to the Rod Brigade; the reason I do it now is that I have allowed instincts to take over and I think LO and I are both better for it.

Horton - Having spent much of the evening reading the 'lively' thread about orthodox Judaism and light switches, and now being in a philosophical frame of mind, I can't help noticing how the idea of 'essentially bad' babies smacks of the whole 'original sin' concept.

Starbear - your Mum's story puts much in perspective . It's as bad as stories of babies being left outside in their pram in the rain.

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 18/06/2009 23:35

Seriously, read the books I mentioned - Three In A Bed and Politics Of Breastfeeding. Will give you handy responses, backed up by Actual Research, for people.

Horton · 18/06/2009 23:45

Judaism and light switches?!

R2G · 19/06/2009 02:36

WHen they used to say
'you're making a rod for your own back back..."
I used to complete the sentence in my own head ...and look what a bunch of complete dysfunctional bastards we turned out to be
NB IN HEAD NOT OUT LOUD!!! Works a treat for calming the nerves and realising an inner smile!

" You're making a rod for your own back breastfeeding, mine were all on bottles at 3 months, you've done your bit then and can go out for a drink again" (and look what a bunch of complete dysfunctional bastards we turned out to be)

"You're making a rod for your own back, David was in his own room at 6 weeks and look what a bunch of complete dysfunctional bastards we turned out to be

"You need to let him cry himself to sleep. Thats what we did with David wasn't it Jim (and look what a bunch of complete dysfunctional bastards we turned out to be)

Please add your own...

Geocentric · 19/06/2009 02:56

Jumping in late here, but I loved the thread - my gran was very strict, always liked to tell us how mad she would get when her first was born and visitors came to the hospital and dared to pick the baby up - what were they thinking, didn't they know my gran didn't want her baby spoilt!!! (my aunt was a newborn, for crying out loud!)

To make up for that, my mum was very present in our lives, lots of cuddles and she always sat outside our door at night so we could see her until we fell asleep (I remember her doing this until I was around 10!). So when I had DC1 I guess I inherited the rod from her. Its in a place of honour by my bed, where I shall retire presently to snuggle up to my 2 DCs who have invaded my bed as DH is away (DC1 still comes in most nights anyway...).

bronze · 19/06/2009 03:33

Ju yu must attract weirdos
as you know our two are exactly the same age and noone has ever said anything like these things to me yet I do everything the same way as you
I wuld have two words for them (in my head) and smile a sweet acidic smile and ignore on the outside

Remember your rod will keep you upright whereas they will be hunched

Nekabu · 19/06/2009 09:56

They're not being as unreasonable as you think because the old advice was to ignore crying babies (unless there was something wrong with them, obviously) as you would teach them that if they cried they would get attention, so they'd do it all the time. And not to feed on demand but at certain times. And also to get them to sleep on their own so they'd get used to it.

There has been research done fairly recently which has overturned all of the above but it is probable that the people offering (well meant? I hope!) advice simply aren't aware of it. The latest shows that babies who are comforted when they are crying so they go to sleep comforted and secure rather than stressed and exhausted by crying themselves to sleep are more secure, happy and are bonded better within the family unit. That a young baby has no concept of something outside it's vision still existing, so if the adults leave, as far as it's concerned it has been abandoned and (as is the natural fate of most abandoned baby animals) could be lunch for something big and furry, so the parent returning when it cries will reassure it that it hasn't been abandoned.

cyteen · 19/06/2009 10:15

"your rod will keep you upright whereas they will be hunched"

That is fantastic Thankfully no one has ever had the balls to claim I was making a rod for my own back with DS (well, not to my face anyway) but if I ever encounter it in the future this will be my reply.

funkymonkeymoo · 19/06/2009 10:36

Tell them all to bog off....
My Mil advised me to start controlled crying at 1 week. Or they will cry for attention all the time. EErrrrmm isnt that the way babies comunicate any way. Stupid woman

quirkychick · 19/06/2009 10:39

Absolutely agree that "What mothers do" and "Three in a bed" are fabulous books!

One friend of mine nicknamed her dd "rod" whenever anyone commented on co-sleeping/carrying/breastfeeding.

My dd (3.5) sleeps all night in her own bed, has no separation anxieties, loves food, very cuddly and keeps saying "I love you, mummy/daddy". DP and I just look at her and say we must have done something right.

Babies absolutely can't be spoilt. They are not born with the part of the brain that can manipulate. Keep doing all the lovely things you are doing.

treedelivery · 19/06/2009 10:44

I've started rebelling. To the 'is she good' I repy 'No'

Does she sleep 'never'

Is she in her own room 'no chance'

It's hilarious to see the reaction. Total conversation stopper though - or you hear about their dc's who were the same. I reckon most of those who warn of the rod, did infact bf for 10 years and kicked out their husbands to allow co sleeping till 15, such was their love of it.

Original poster

Juwesm · 19/06/2009 10:45

Hunker - I will get hold of those books. They sound edyookayshunnul!

Nekabu - you are right, I think, that the advice is well-intentioned, but often comes from people of a similar age group. I think this could be the influence of the Dreaded Baby Books

Bronze - people don't dare give you advice, you've already earned your mothering stripes. You are practically a General I am but a measly Corporal (or some such).

OP posts:

you · 19/06/2009 11:01

Argh, am going through the exact same thing with my 13 week old and mum/mil/various friends at the moment. It's driving me mad! [empathetic emoticon]

Generally I just say, am happy to spoil him when he's been alive only 3 months, then fume and grumble away in my head and start pointless arguments with DH in the evening

bronze · 19/06/2009 11:19

Ju they never have done though. Maybe I just look fierce. you need to use said rod to batter them with

petnik · 19/06/2009 11:23

I wish I had made a rod for my back when my DD was born! I suffered terrible PND and didn't co sleep / breastfeed etc becasue I couldn't face being with her. It breaks my heart now that I missed all that wonderful closeness with my baby.

I listened to too much "good advice" after i had DD. I was at the lowest point in my life and didn't argue with anyone. She went into her own cot and room at 3 weeks. I have so many regrets and I will never be able to get that time back with her. God am welling up writing this.

DD (2.11) now sleeps with me most nights but sometimes still chooses her own bed. She is a velcro child and i love it. I will forever want to make up for the mistakes I made with her as a baby. She follows me everywhere and I carry her whenever she asks.

Don't let interfering old trouts upset you. Follow your gut instinct - you will always be right. You can not spoil a baby with love and affection. My guilt will be with me forever that I left DD to cry. She was vunerable and trying to communicate with me but i was too ill to hear her.

Don't have any regrets

bronze · 19/06/2009 11:26

gently, I may nick that idea... I love it

Marthasmama · 19/06/2009 11:26

Treedelivery -I do the same. I tell people that dd (8 months) is the devil incarnate. She is another velcro baby. She's happy as long as I am within touching distance. She is happy at the moment because she is sitting on my foot. The health visitor tried to give me a 'rod for back' speech because I was feeding 3 week old dd to sleep. I just nodded politely and did not heed her advice. Nobody else has ever dared to try to tell me what to do! I too must be scary! I can live with that.

Original poster

Juwesm · 19/06/2009 12:34

Petnik, that is very sad , I'm sorry that you had such an awful time. But it sounds like you and your DD were able to come through it, and she sounds lovely - Velcro much of the time, but independent enough to sleep in her own bed when she wants to! You are obviously doing a fabulous job.

Perhaps I will write my own parenting book. Something along the lines of "The Contented Little Velcro Baby and How to Love Your Rod". Hmmmm. Think that needs work

MM - I wouldn't tell you what to do! Plus, your HV was a fool.

OP posts:

tvaerialmagpiebin · 19/06/2009 12:52

Loving that book title, Juwesm! I would buy a copy.
I had a velcro baby now I have a velcro toddler. But he has started to say "stop kissing me mummy" and GASP occasionally prefers his own bed to mine. I am making a list of things Not To Say if I become a MiL. And I will definitely buy a rod as a present for my SIL when she has her baby. Tee hee.

cyteen · 19/06/2009 12:58

lol @ rod love Nothing like waking up next to a snuggly sleeping rod, I say.

bronze · 19/06/2009 13:33

You would definitely get men buying the book

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