, when I'm told 'You're making a rod for your own back".....

[Juwesm]

...to take said rod and beat the person in question to a pulp with it?

Co-sleeping with my 9-week old - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll be sleeping with you until he's 23'
Carrying Velcro baby around with me all the time - ' You're making a rod for your own back, you'll never be able to put him down'
Picking up my baby when he cries - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll learn that he can get attention just by crying'
Feeding him on demand - 'You're making a rod for your own back, he'll never want to eat at normal times'

And so on, and so forth.
AIBU, AIBPFB?

And what is 'a rod for one's own back'? Where is that from? Who has a rod up their back?

[fleetwoodmac]

i did the same - co-slept - though my son is 6 and still wants to. i was told by a stupid social worker i was making a rod for my own back, and another stupid social worker "he needs to be independent" - he was one at the time! idiots.

people are being very diplomatic about stupid advice. i guess we can be when we're unsure about our nurturing methods but know, categorically and instinctively that what we are doing is right.

how about responding "you're and idiot" to these stupid people with their stupid advice!? ha ha.

p.s. i am also constantly being told my son is adorable and delightful and mature ....

[LaydeeStardust]

YANBU

We co-slept with all 4 of our DC who range in age from 16 down to the 4 year old (who usually still co-sleeps for most of most nights!)

They're all lovely, happy, secure children and if i had 10p for everytime I've been told the "rod for your own back" thing I'd be rich indeed!

[laweaselmys]

I like to nod and smile and say, well maybe. And then totally ignore them. The HV was going on about the dangers of co-sleeping at our postnatal group and even though I think she is wrong, I didn't think it'd go down very well if I disagreed!

[Starbear]

My mother drove me so barmy with this. She started saying it when ever Ds was in my arms. She walked in once and said 'you are spoiling him.' I had to shout back 'No, I'm feeding him!!!! I also got 'when you were born........''When I had your brother.....'
It got so bad (mainly because I'm an assertive person) that I shouted often at her. My lovely Sis and Bil then offered to buy her a ticket to Canada, just for Christmas to see my brother & his family. She didn't come back for 6 MONTHS! She still looks after 2 afternoons a week but we just agree that he is MY BOY not hers.

[wahwah]

I was told exactly the same thing by another new mother, whose on baby was clearly failing to thrive due to her adherence to a version of the GF regime. I smiled sweetly at her, but asked everyone else exactly how they might deal with Velcro baby. When you get into the nitty gritty of how they would leave a newborn to cry for hours and gently ask if that isn't the teensiest bit cruel, they tend to lose confidence in the rightness of their views and shut up.

[Wigglesworth]

Ignore these people, your baby your choice and your business. I still get really pissed off with "well meaning" folk offering advice when you don't need it, want it and you certainly haven't asked for it.
I have stopped telling my Mum about any problems I have with DS like feeding and sleeping etc. Whenever she asks "How is DS?" she gets a generic "he's fine" reply. She always blames every issue on teething as well which drives me mental too and diagnoses every little sniffle he has etc. She hasn't had any experience with looking after kids other than me and DB but still talks like she is an expert and has an opinion on what a shite job other people are doing with there kids.
Sorry OP I just hijacked your thread a bit there.

[bumpsnowjustplump]

I coslept with my dd and she is the only one in her age group of friends that now takes herself to bed after a story and is in a big girls bed. I fed on demand and she eats everything (and I mean everything, even sprouts yuck). I picked her up as soon as she cried every time and never let her cry it out... She is a good (most of the time) happy and independant little girl and everyone comments on how good she is!

My ds is 4 months and I co sleep, feed on demand and have in a sling all the time.. He is currently asleep on the sofa next to me as i fed him to sleep.. The only differce this time around is that he is left to cry a bit more but that is because I only have one pair of hands and not because I want to leave him...

So if I have made a rod for my own back then I am making it again...

[shockers]

In some cultures it's considered wrong NOT to co-sleep with your baby/ toddler! I personally think they have the right idea

[ramalama]

I'm familiar with these rods of which you speak

I have one of my very own....I love it and polish it daily..

yanbu...people should mind their own beeswax

[sallyjaygorce]

I did what you are doing too and have lovely happy children who sleep well wherever they are and are full of affection. They are 5, 3 and 1 and when we move we are getting a massive bed so they can all come in and we can still sleep well - if they want. I slept in with my mum when my dad was away when I was a teenager sometimes. I have lovely memories of chatting to her and reading together. so did my bro (if he could take Mum's snoring).

I would like a rod for my back made by someone though. Can you get them from chiropractors?

[AcornOnmyfoot]

In all cultures (bar one) of the world and since human society began mums have slept with their babies.

It makes bfing easier as you don't have to get up or wait for your baby to cry, and as long as you're not high on drugs or alcohol etc and your baby is not overwrapped it is very safe and natural and the best possible thing for you and your baby.

[Marthasmama]

• Naughty DH! I'm pretty sure that his work colleagues know a whole lot of nothing! You're teaching H that he can rely on you, that you won't abandon him. He's still so tiny, he probably thinks he's going to be eaten by wolves if he's not with you. Tell DH off for me will you. You're doing a fabulous job.

[SilkyDemon]

When DS was 48 hours old, MIL said I was "allowing him to manipulate me" by feeding on demand . Blimey! Clever little sod, eh?

[hunkermunker]

He's nine weeks old - and if the "habit" he's forming is "oh, cool, my mum's there for me when I'm upset/hungry/lonely" where's the problem?

Can you tell I'm reading Three In A Bed by Deborah Jackson atm? And Politics Of Breastfeeding? I'm a parody of myself

[Starbear]

SilkyDemon lol I had that too from My mum. What I forgot to say earlier that my own mother to this day complains that her own mother always told her off on how she brought us up! I think my mum suffered a Gran version of PND when Ds was born. She is lovely now as she can see he is a happy chappy. I also shower her in praise. My own gran (her own mum) really was difficult. She tied my mum up as a baby on the floor, put food and water in bowls in front of her, left her alone, then went out to work! (To tell the truth this was during WWII.
Thank the stars, god, mother earth, I don't have to even think about doing that.

[Horton]

I can't bear it when people complain about babies crying 'for attention'!

FFS, firstly they are babies and they need attention and secondly how on earth else are they going to make their needs or wants known? It's not like they can say 'Mother, please could you come and talk to me because I am bored and lonely?'

They're only talking! Crying is all they can do to let you know something's wrong!

FFS FFS FFS



I am reminded of my aunt who told me I was 'smothering that baby with kisses' when DD was about six weeks old. I cannot imagine why a six week old baby wouldn't want to be kissed, frankly. I really can't.

I also had a velcro baby and she's still a velcro child and sleeps in my bed at the age of 2.9 and wants me to be touching her at all times during the day as far as possible. But you know what? I don't really care. She's my daughter and I love her deeply and I can't see how being mean enough to deny a very tiny person the comfort of their mother's presence can be in any way a good idea. Frankly, I'll be delighted if she still wants cuddles when she's a teenager but I suspect she won't and I'm making the most of it while it lasts. When she comes and clings on to my leg while I'm cooking and says 'Mummy, you're my best friend' I really don't see how anyone could feel better than I do at that moment.

[Horton]

Good god, Starbear. Your poor little mum.

[Marthasmama]

Awww Horton, you've made me feel all mushy!

[smallchange]

YANBU. My one piece of advice to new parents is that the phrase "rod for your own back" is an excellent indicator of a person whose advice you can safely ignore. Smile and ignore. Smile and ignore.

[Starbear]

Horton I cried my eyes out when I was about 9-10 years when my gran told me what she felt she had to do. I couldn't understand why she couldn't take my mum with her to the fields to pick olives.
Don't worry the baby grew up to have four children, who adore her and five grandsons who smother her in kisses when they see her even the 22 year old!
DH still carries Ds, on demand, he says when he gets too heavy I'll put him down!

[Horton]

Marthasmama, I feel mushy too when I think about how much love children have got in them to give and how nice it is to receive it. Rod for your own back, my arse!

Have any of you read 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen? There's a bit in it which is really interesting where she says (much more non-judgily than I can put it) that early on, mothers make a choice. They decide whether their babies are essentially good (and therefore they should follow their babies' cues about what the baby wants to do, like sleep with their mother or be fed whenever they want) or essentially bad (in which case they need to be trained out of their bad habits like waking up or demanding attention). I think it's quite sad that anyone should decide that their baby is a bad person so early on. Naomi is considerably nicer about it than that. I just get my judgey pants on when I think of people deciding that their baby needs to be trained out of perfectly normal behaviour which doesn't damage either the parent or the child.

[Horton]

I'm glad your mum had a happy life after that, Starbear! But it's really sad, isn't it? I can't imagine doing that to a baby. I suppose I'm lucky enough not to have had to consider it. V v v lucky not to have lived through a war like that!

[Starbear]

Horton I agree there are lots things I have taught my 4 year old. But in the middle of the night, when he has a nightmare I am not putting him back into his own bed! Eventually, when he snuggles up to a parent and is asleep, the other gets out and goes into his bed. He is scared. If I was scared I want DH to cuddle me! Why shouldn't my son have the same!

[Starbear]

Well 'I'm making a rod for my own back' If I don't go to bed now. Goodnight!