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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and over sensitive, or is DH being too harsh?

57 replies

Peachy · 18/06/2009 16:23

OK I have no idea if I am BU so want feedback; if I am fair enough. I know I have big Confrontation Issues anyway, so that suggests DH NBU.

better provide some background too- DH upset with school ATM as last month ds2 was injured by a problem at school, basically gym floor became sticky in the heat and tore skin off his foot, causing him to spend 6 hours in A&E bleeding and be off school on crutches. When I mentioned to Secretary the cause she new about it but said they had asked kids to keep moving... being weak I just smiled and accepted this.

DH was the one stuck in A&E so wasn't happy with the reply.

Anway, ds1 does violin lessons. At the start of term his violin went from school, tkaen by a child. We couldn't afford to replace it and TBH ds1 wasn't too bothered so he told school he asn't going to have lessons any more. She teaches small groupsso didn't affect teacher time or anything like that, and the cost is set not divided by X kids.
Teacher is employed by LEA.

yesterday to our surprise we got a bill for a final demand for apyment from the Head. I sent DH in to discuss, asking him to try and sort it out as I hadnt budgeted, we're on a very tight income ATM (DH paret time due t work cuts) and paying an unscheduled bill would mean cancelling ds3's birthday party which we booked last week.

I expected DH to end up negotiating payments for a few weeks (total bill is only £30).

Anyway, he informed the Secretary that if we ahd to pay he wuld consider reporting the theft of the violin to the police, Secretary immediately dropped the bill.

DH is that the money was sorted, I am as I have a very good relationship and help with the school.

I should add that several other things have been taken from ds1's bag over the year, including a collection (he has ASD) that he treasured and was returned after a term; ds1 cried about that going for weeks which was very upsetting.

Am I being a wuss as DH genuinely beleives, or was he OTT?

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/06/2009 17:29

agree with the others - dh was quite in his rights to not pay the bill - and i would have said the same thing

and i would have also asked for the school to replace the violin - it was stolen/misplaced when in their pocession and therefore they should replace it - infact you still should

if we lose school reading/libary books we have to replace - and a violin is MUCH more money then a tatty dog eared reading book!!

pointydog · 18/06/2009 17:41

gym hall - if the school knew about the floor problem and told the kids to 'keep moving' (don't know whether to or at that) - then the school should not have had children in barefeet.

violin - did you report violin theft to the school so that they could investigate? If not, I can see why they charged for the lessons. If so, I would expect them to be more understanding about that.

Tillyscoutsmum · 18/06/2009 17:47

I am possibly one of the least confrontation people in the world to the point that I get embarrassed/ashamed if someone if confrontational on my behalf so my reaction would be very similar to yours.

However, as an "outsider", I can see that your DH's approach was probably right. It doesn't sound as though he was rude or aggressive in any way and I'm sure the way he dealt with it shouldn't have any impact on your relationship with the school

Original poster

Peachy · 18/06/2009 17:53

We did report to school, took a week or two as DS1 was a bit vague about i6t and we thought he'd accidentally just left in school (terrible memory) but no we don't know who took it,and when e told them DS1 and TA scoured the palce to no avail.

I cringe when DH gets assertive bt am needing to toughen up I guess. I worry more about the feelngs of people I know let the boys down than my family which is wrong.

I dealt with the entire SN thing by letter and email, breaking up when I was confronted by SENCO. It gives an air of officaldom that does work but isn't very useful is it?

Thanks for the honesty

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Original poster

Peachy · 18/06/2009 17:54

And am going to send in boys with daps and a note saying they HAVE to be worn tomorrow.

Did buy them buyt went all

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traceybath · 18/06/2009 18:00

Your DH was right but i totally understand where you're coming from.

It is annoying though when other parents don't seem to notice/care when their children bring home other people's belongings (guessing this is what happened to the violin).

To a much lesser scale DS1's entire PE kit including bag has vanished this week from school. Now there's only 18 in his class so someone has taken 2 bags by mistake but has it turned up yet - no.

And thats annoying me intensely as means DS1 had to go in full uniform for school trip yesterday as opposed to PE kit like the rest of his class.

Cistus · 18/06/2009 18:01

I think your DH was right...

risingstar · 18/06/2009 18:09

sorry, does the school comply with health and safety legislation- do they have an accident book, have they recorded this horrible injury? I am really aghast at their attitude, this is clear breaches and negligence involved.

thing tbh that you should delegate all stuff that requires assertiveness to hubby- nothing wrong with that at all- we all have different qualities and that is what partnership is all about

Original poster

Peachy · 18/06/2009 18:25

Never seen an accident book, no

But then ds3 was permanently scarred at the sister school and we couldn't get them to show us the accident book either, so don't know if there is one?

I should say tehya re amazing with ds1: most schools would have given up on him by now but they plug on, trying everything. Theior commitment to the kids in general is amazing.

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HolyGuacamole · 18/06/2009 18:40

I think your DH was right, good on him!

NotPlayingAnyMore · 18/06/2009 20:21

You didn't worry about the violin going missing but did worry about a £30 bill?!

YABU - but it's not so much your DH going over the top as it is about you being complacent...

TotalChaos · 18/06/2009 20:46

DH was right. Though the foot injury is a bigger issue than the violin bill IMO.

Kimi · 18/06/2009 20:53

Go your DH... sorry i am on his side with this

Spidermama · 18/06/2009 21:00

Peachy I think your DH has done really well. My DDs trumpet, lent to her by a school music group, was stolen from the school and she and I were really stressed about it. There was no help or admission of liability from the school and we were made to feel it was our fault. In the end I bought another trumpet from ebay, then the stolen one was miraculously returned over the half term holiday.

I felt really stressed and resentful at the school's handling of the affair and wish I'd had the guts to do what your dh did.

lucyellensmumisgreat · 18/06/2009 21:24

Am i the only one who thinks that if this were my DDs school the missing violin would have been the least of their worries? The sticky gym floor put your son in hospital and they KNEW about the floor and asked the children to keep moving??

The health and safetly executive would have been my first port of call.

lucyellensmumisgreat · 18/06/2009 21:28

I should add though peachy that i hate confrontation too, but my DP hates it more than me so im the one who has to be the rotweiller of the family. I totally understand where you are coming from, my previous post didnt convey that - sorry

herbietea · 18/06/2009 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nahui · 18/06/2009 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

feelingbetter · 18/06/2009 21:40

Too Harsh???????
I'd have called in the 'elf'n'safety exec and demanded the school provide a replacement violin!
I would have been absolutely livid if they had produced a bill and probably threatened legal action.
I'm genuinely at the 'we told them to keep moving' excuse. Unbelievable!
YABU I'm afraid, not only do I think DH is right, (compared to me) he was the model of restraint.

slightlycrumpled · 18/06/2009 21:46

Peachy, clearly you are fab BUT, all he did was refuse to pay a bill they shouldn't have charged for in the first place, and complain about your sons accident.

I am the same though, the boys school is fab, they have positively embraced DS2 and all the extra work he brings with his statement, and I somehow feel that this means I shouldn't mention if I am unhappy about something. Obviously thats not right!

shockers · 18/06/2009 21:47

I'm not keen on confrontation either. However schools do take complaints very seriously, esp if put in writing.
I agree completely with your DH in this case and I think the school probably do too now they know what has happened.

Bigpants1 · 18/06/2009 21:55

Glad your dh sorted situation re violin.He was right and school know it, which is why they are no longer asking for money.
I am a member of my younger dcs Parent Council, so come into contact with school quite often. Also have ds with SN that attends the same school,and have had disagreements over way some situations have been handled,so have had to speak to Head.
I think you must not worry re hurting peoples feelings/making a fuss-you as a parent have legitimate concerns and the Head/secretary should act with professionalism regardless of your help with school.
You must take the matter of your sons injury further-it is unforgivable. It could have been prevented, as the school knew re the state of the gym floor. By not pursuing this, the school is taking advantage of your good nature-they know they will and should get their knuckles wrapped!
Yes, every school has an accident book, they MUST fill all injuries in it-even nursery dc falling and requiring bandaid.Yes you are entitled to see it-and you should, to see how they have written it up and what action they took and who ,apart from yourselves,they informed.It sounds like a really nasty injury,and you should be informing the Head of the LEA and insist they investigate the matter further,to (a) Apologise/grovel, and (b)ensure this never happens again. The school cannot put the onus on your ds by saying we told the dc to keep moving!!
I understand some people do not like confrontation,but sometimes,it is absolutely necessary. You do not have to be aggressive, but clear and firm in what you want and expect.
You also say your other ds was injured at another school. Find the mother cub in you-sometimes you have to ROAR on their behalf! Good Luck.

Original poster

Peachy · 18/06/2009 23:02

'You didn't worry about the violin going missing but did worry about a £30 bill?!

YABU - but it's not so much your DH going over the top as it is about you being complacent... '

I'm not sure I was complacent- we tried to find it, and the loss made us realise that ds1 was not going to want to play any more.

I am acarer, £30 is 2/5 of my benefit, of coursev iot worried me

perhaps I should have done more- we rely on the school so much- 2 sn kids- I didntwant to rock the boat. Fearful more than complacen

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Original poster

Peachy · 18/06/2009 23:07

and yes I know youre right about the floor

I did make a point of going in after which was when they stonewalledme with the moving thing; I know that's not good, OTOH we're not talking masses of time- we're talking last week

I did kick off big time about ds3's injury BTW, caused a big fuss and he no longer attends.

I know why i'm like this- stand up to Dad and you wouldnt necessarily survice intact- but yes, I need to deal with it. I can do Mama Tiger (or wouldn't have 2 statements) just not face to face- I ahve a phone phobia as well.

Hmm. Food for thought. DH is chuffed anyway LOL.

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SomeGuy · 18/06/2009 23:59

TBH the school deserve to be sued for something like that. They knew it was dangerous and did nothing.

I still don't understand what kind of floor it is to cause this though?

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