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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist children remember to say please and thankyou at the table even with their parents in tow?

66 replies

AcornOnmyfoot · 18/06/2009 07:43

I constantly have a stream of guests for tea. I have a large family and (popular?)dc always being asked/asking to have friends back, and I am very welcoming, lots of freshly homemade food (sometimes!) baked beans and sausages etc (when I'm too busy or can't be arsed to make more of an effort.

Anyway, what I do insist on is the dc say please and thank you and if they forget I remind them (ages range from 3-10).(politely of course)

I recently had parent here whose dc I brought back from school and they all stayed on for tea, I reminded their ds (aged 7) to say p and t in front of parent and thereafter they prompted dc.

OP posts:

WolframAlpha · 18/06/2009 23:10

lovely manners are about much more than parrot fashion please and thanks.

i certainly would never parent somebody elses child in front of their parent.

agree with bonsoir.

Twinklemegan · 18/06/2009 23:18

I would be very uncomfortable with somebody doing that. I remind DS all the time about please and thank you, but I don't insist on it every single time. He is not a performing monkey, and the sentiment is plain to see even if he doesn't always manage to get the words out. (He's not 3 yet btw).

I get very cross with my parents when they refuse to give him something, or let it drop, until he has "performed" with a please or a thankyou - in my presence. I use my judgment regarding how far to push it - how tired he is, whether he's said please/thank you already in the last 10 seconds, etc. etc. Leave the parents to do the parenting please.

2rebecca · 18/06/2009 23:19

I'm uncomfortable with the children asking to get down at end of meal idea. I was taught to do this and my current husband is keen on it. My ex doesn't bother though and I do find it a rather subservient control freaky thing to get children to do. After all adults don't ask to get down at the end of a meal. You wait until the other person has finished eating and you leave the table.
At what age does a child become an adult and have to stop begging to be allowed to leave the table?
I find long social dinners can get very boring and think adults make too much of a big dinner being an endurance test that you have to be asked to be excused from.

tigerdriver · 18/06/2009 23:31

I can't see any problem with gently correcting DS's pals if they are being brattish in the way small boys seem to be: "I wanna pudding" "Ok, Tigercub's pal that's I wanna pudding please Mrs Tiger, you mean, dontcha".

Please and thank you are funny though. I've been off work sick for a few days and have been sending short text like emails to my colleagues: " OMG, do send that letter to Mr x with the documents, he needs it by tomorrow" then "oh, Bubble, I meant to say "please" at the end of that".

Original poster

AcornOnmyfoot · 19/06/2009 00:11

I was not referring to dc under 3 btw, I agree though Twinkle, that is just awful.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 19/06/2009 14:04

2rebecca... dd usually refuses to eat any food and then wants to jump straight down from the table, meaning ds1 (who's not yet 3) sees her get down and immediately decides he no longer wants his food but wants to go off and play too.

So we encourage her to ask permission to leave the table and generally don't allow it until he's finished too or has eaten enough that if he runs off it's not a meal wasted.

The key with your example of adult behaviour is that the adult has the good manners (usually) to wait until the other person is finished, children don't have the empathic ability to work out that it would be rude to leave others still eating their food to go off and play so it's our job to teach them.

2rebecca · 19/06/2009 14:28

I agree re not leaving the table until everyone has finished eating. I do think it can be made into a bit of a performance though if you have several children at a table and 1 gets down after asking and the others go to get down but aren't allowed to until they've all individually asked to leave the table. I have older relatives who act like this, as does my husband sometimes. That's just adults playing power games.

fizzpops · 19/06/2009 14:39

I don't mind the children asking to get down from the table thing as that is how I was brought up. It never occurred to me that things were different to anyone else. How my friends laughed when at 18 I told them we had to say as kids, 'Thank you for my lovely dinner, please may I get down?'

I won't go this far with my DD but even now when I get her out of her highchair I say, 'Have you finished? Shall we go and play?'. Seems to end things nicely and is for her benefit as much as mine. Why should anyone just be allowed to slink off when someone else has put effort into cooking them a meal.

HoneyDue · 19/06/2009 15:18

Fizzpops, I had to say it too! Actual words were: 'Thank you for my dinner, please can I get down' which we said in a mechanical manner which is why I don't insist on that!

The question of waiting until everyone finishes is an awkward one esp if you have younger ones. I tend to make the older ones wait at least until my youngest has at least finished his dinner as you're right, they'll not want to finish it otherwise. He'll always definitely want to finish his pud though!

I think the most important thing is a happy atmostphere for all which includes the mum!

ChippingIn · 19/06/2009 18:17

2rebecca - I had to laugh at 'my current husband' makes him sound like he's likely to be replaced soon

I do make the children ask if they can get down from the table (and I wont have them getting up and down from the table while they/we are eating either), I don't always expect them to stay if they've had enough, but I decide if they are going to put off a smaller child eating their meal or if they have eaten enough or if I want to offer them something else etc, so no, they can't just get down after a mouthful of dinner when they fancy... In the same way, if I was eating with other people and for some reason couldn't wait for them to finish I would excuse myself, I wouldn't just go - it's the same thing, modified for a child.

However, if we've all finished we just leave the table and start tidying up, it's not like I never let them get down without asking - and I would never insist on saying it was lovely or whatever... OMG

2rebecca · 19/06/2009 18:34

He's my second husband, my kids are from my first. Unlikely to be replaced, don't understand why anyone goes through more than 1 divorce! My first husband wasn't as fussed about table manners, so my current husband gets annoyed with them not doing the "please may I leave the table" thing because we didn't insist on it before. I used to have to say "thank you for my dinner can I get down now" or similar tosh when young and really do feel it's a piece of nonsense. I don't let kids leave the table until everyone has finished the main course though. My kids usually just look at me and I nod if they want to get down. I'll sometimes let them leave and come back for pudding later if we've got people round, because I'd rather they went away and played than fidgeted about and started being annoying. Less of a problem now they're getting older.

ChippingIn · 19/06/2009 19:44

Oh Rebecca, I knew what you meant, it just looked funny. I think Ex H and DH cover the bases without making him sound like he's on a warning!!

I think so long as they know to wait until a reasonable time to get down and/or get the 'eye' from you, that's as good as 'Please may I leave the table' -well, it is for me anyway!!

IMO if someone demands the correct words rather than the correct attitude, it's more about control than teaching good manners/attitude!!

2rebecca · 19/06/2009 20:00

I suppose I hate all the "darling" crap on mumsnet. Sounds so very middle class. Why not just talk about my "H" or "S". Why the need for the extra letter, especially when folk are talking about their husbands having affairs, then calling them "darling husband" sounds very silly.
Whose great idea was it to stick a D before everything?

ChippingIn · 19/06/2009 21:37

Rebecca - not sure why/how it started, but I guess it's easier to 'read' in print than just H, S or D etc as they look like you've started to write a word and forgotten the rest... does that make sense??

I 'read' DH as Husband not Darling Husband, I agree, if you thought of the darlinggggg too much you'd probably throw up - esp when a large percentage are as far from a d as you can get!!

PinkTulips · 20/06/2009 10:38

someone who uses the irish sites alot told me on one of them they use OH... which can translate to 'other half' or 'old hatchetface' depending on circumstances

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 20/06/2009 10:42

I have skimmed thread (don't want to be influenced in my reply)
I don't single anyone out in particular but if there aren't any pleases or thank you's I say, oh dear no pleases today from anyone?

If my children say it then I don't say anything at all.

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