He sent me a message this morning basically telling me to get a grip. Said he does love me, but also needs time to himself. I understand that, but while he's out with his friends, I'm sat at home with a bickering family, a growing bump, and no friends.
We can't live together because his flat just isn't suitable. He can't sell up right now because of the credit crunch. Again, I understand, but I don't like it.
Do you mean serious about the baby? Well he didn't want me to keep it in the first place, and although he's come round, and even gets quite excitable at times, it still bothers me. Part of me feels like he's only still with me because of the baby - because he feels he has to be. Plus the fact that his mother has openly said to me she doesn't think I can cope. She told me when we first told them I was pregnant that I should have an abortion - whether she was just agreeing with him or not I don't know.
In RL I have virtually no one. I went from a pretty crap secondary school where I was bullied every day for five years to a fully funded sixth form place at one of the best schools in the country. I was incredably proud of myself, but the few friends I did have at secondary school deserted me because of it - jealousy, I guess, I'm not really sure. I remember one of them saying to me that I had it easy... But then I fell seriously ill, was admitted to a physc. unit, and became disabled, so the friends from sixth form left me too. Then falling pregnant and deciding to keep it - bye bye to those I had left. I have my partner and an ex boyfriend who texts me occassionally.
They've decided to half my therapy because I'm "okay". I'm really distraught about it, but can't tell them I'm not okay because it will all get back to social services, and they're already watching me like hawks. I don't feel I can be honest with anyone about how I'm feeling because they're so willing to condemn me. People told me recently - people I thought were friends - that I was just being selfish and I should just give them the baby, because it will have a much better life without me.
My family decided at the beginning of the year to start facebook stalking me. There was an incident where one of the trolls on there said some things that really pushed me over the edge and I landed myself in A&E again. I know they're just looking out for me but its closed off the only place I had to be honest and recieve the encouragement I needed to stay strong. Thats why I'm saying all this on here - none of them are on the site.
I'm trying so hard to be okay and I just can't do it. Mentally and physically, everything is so damn hard right now. I'm having to put in 100% effort when my energy levels are less than half. I know its going to be difficult with the baby, I know I'm not going to get much sleep, and I know its going to stress me out at times. But other people have done it... I'm scared, but I don't think I'm going to be a bad mum. At least, I didn't think, until everyone started being so negative.
I feel so numb at the moment - I've cried too much so there are no more tears. I just want my boyfriend to give me a hug. Its so painful.