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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i don't want to have another child he does

45 replies

DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 21:05

namechanger.have one dc 3 yo.one was the agreed plan.recently dh has said he wants to have another one,so they can grow up be close in age.be playmates.i always wanted one so did he.his change of heart is really causing arguments.we both work FT and i don't want to be pregnant again or have another.just the thought of it seems so hard.i only feel now after 3 years that i am getting life back on track.this isn't about money we can afford another but i do like our lifestyle we can afford our house,holidays.

OP posts:
nametaken · 15/06/2009 21:06

YANBU - don't have one - he can hardly force you can he?

TripleTroubleMuffin · 15/06/2009 21:08

Is it a deal breaker for either of you?

He can't make you get pregnant but he could decide he wants another child more than just one child and you.

Who is in charge of contraception?

toddlerama · 15/06/2009 21:10

He can't force you, but wanting to have another child isn't in itself unreasonable. There's unfortunately no compromise - you either have one or you don't! Ask him to realise that you would have to struggle through feelings of resentment etc. if you went ahead but at the same time, he might if you don't. YANBU not to want a child. YABU to be angry at him for deviating from The Plan. It happens.

bargainhuntingbetty · 15/06/2009 21:11

Fast forward 10 years or so, do you want to only have 1 child round the table at xmas etc?? Do you want your child to have someone else there when you an dh eventually are not there/not able any more (obvoiously more than 10 years).

I know from having 2 that while they do argue they are also good company for each other and they play themselves which allows you time to do things.

However, if you really do feel that strongly about not having another one then yoou need to make sure your dh know exactly why. Good luck

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 21:11

it is honestly first time we have disagreed on anything and i dont like it.being a dad again is so different to being mum again.since becoming a dad he is really go into it and would have many more.of course i am on pill so no worries there

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 21:14

i had a rotten pregnancy,very unwell,emergency CS,tiny baby.really it affected me.only now am i starting to feel i have got my act together and feel normal again

OP posts:
pollyblue · 15/06/2009 21:28

Are the problems you had in your pregnancy likely to recur? Did you return to work quite quickly last time, do you think things would've been better for you if you'd taken longer off - could you afford not to go to work for a while and just concentrate on yourself and the children?

For what it's worth, I'd planned on just having one, and having problems during the pregnancy, a long stay in hospital and finally a section just about put the tin lid on it. DH was always easy either way. When dd reached about 18 months I started thinking a bit further ahead (I'm an only child and it's now I'm an adult I really wish I had siblings) and decided we'd try and see what happened. I had twins {grin}. Wouldn't change it for the world, seeing the girls together makes me grin like a loon.

TripleTroubleMuffin · 15/06/2009 21:33

After our first baby was born by emergency section - having gone to hospital for blood tests - I knew I wouldn't have any more. It was so traumatic thinking DS was going to die and there was not a chance I would do it again. And this, from a woman who wanted a big family. DH said nothing.

We have 3 children now.

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 21:38

on mat leave felt bored at home,missed work.was happy to go back to be honest. work made me feel adult again.see my colleagues.i love being mum but need something for me.i am happiest when i think of the 3 of us.when i think of any more i just dont fancy it.this isnt about money could easily afford another i just dont want to

i had pre-eclampsia.dont know if it would happen again

OP posts:
TheUnstrungHarp · 15/06/2009 21:57

You need to talk to your dh properly about it. Get a babysitter and go and get drunk together somewhere and let it all out. (I have to say though that "I just don't fancy it" might not be the most persuasive argument )

WhiteElefant · 15/06/2009 21:59

Me and DH had the same problem, after DD I could not stand the idea of being pregnant again, when DD was 2 I felt that even though I didnt want another, it was the right thing to do for DH and DD. After the first month there was no AF so I tested, as I sat waiting to find out I was despratly hoping that I wasnt pregnant, it was then that I realized that however much it might seem the right thing to have another LO it was not something I could go through. Fortunatly DH was able to accept this and DD is now 11 and is happy not to have a sibling.
So YANBU, if its not what you want there's nothing you can do about the way you feel.

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 22:03

we talk about this a lot and he is reasonable
and wouldnt force this.just he loves children and being a dad and has been as suprised as me at wanting more.it just is a thing that is there.he would like more.i wouldnt

OP posts:
TheUnstrungHarp · 15/06/2009 22:08

If he's being reasonable and not forcing the issue that's good - but you said it was really causing arguments. I am inclined to think it is ultimately the woman's decision, as the burden inevitably falls more heavily on us (at least for the first year or so), but if you think the issue is causing him to become resentful then you need to find some way of finding a resolution for the sake of your relationship.

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 22:12

it has caused some arguments not massive all time but snappy cross ones.this wont cause a divorce etc we are a happy family otherwise. i dont think he is resentful as says he is a happy.there is no compromise though is there.suppose it is just one of those things.

OP posts:
TheUnstrungHarp · 15/06/2009 22:16

I wouldn't worry about it then - it all sounds pretty normal. If you are having "snappy cross" arguments all the time(who doesn't?) I would still recommend going out and get drunk together though.

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 22:19

thanks.we are fortunate and overall things good.this just caught us by suprise

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 15/06/2009 22:32

Have you thought about adoption? Esp. older adoption as you'd bypass the baby stage/staying at home stage?

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 22:39

but i dont want any other child,happy with just the one.this isnt about fear of pregnacy or not liking babies.i am happy my with lot and dont want to change the numbers

i always thought you should only adopt if you want to.i dont want to

OP posts:
yappybluedog · 15/06/2009 22:46

"Fast forward 10 years or so, do you want to only have 1 child round the table at xmas etc??"

this sort of comment really pisses me off - there is nothing WRONG with having one child and some people really don't get alot of choice

oh, and I have yet to spend a Christmas with just me and dd, hasn't happened yet in 7 years

Original poster
DorothyParker · 15/06/2009 22:47

well yes!we do have large family gatherings isn't just us 3

OP posts:
MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 15/06/2009 23:00

"... Fast forward 10 years or so, do you want to only have 1 child round the table at xmas etc??"

this sort of comment really pisses me off - there is nothing WRONG with having one child and some people really don't get alot of choice ..."

Exactly, Yappy! Where does this notion come from, that one child families spend Christmas (or any other occasion) sitting morosely in silence, nibbling their sad Brussels sprouts, or looking wistfully through the window at their neighbours whose 75 children are all playing Twister in contentment and harmony?

So, YANBU but you may need to have A Conversation with your dh.

yappybluedog · 15/06/2009 23:05

would be a bloody miracle if my dd nibbled a sprout, let me tell you

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 15/06/2009 23:14

{Whispers: 'tis a hundred years since I ate a sprout]

Aussieng · 15/06/2009 23:19

Hi - I'm very tentatively adding my 2 cents - disagree with me by all means but please don't shout at me - it is my experience and if I offend, it is not intentional.

YANBU but neither does it seem that you DH is - I can't think of much worse for a child than being unwanted by either parent BUT...

..I am an only child in my mid 30's. I have a pretty good extended family but I am still an only child with now aging parents for whom I feel terribly responsible and having no siblings have no-one really to share that with. I LOVED being an only child when I was younger, we were undoubtedly better off and I had a better (material) standard of living, possibly more attention from my parents but I do find it VERY hard and at times very stressful as an adult being an only one.

Good luck - I sympathise, a very tough call.

Nightcrawly · 16/06/2009 05:24

Just to add the flip side of your comment Aussieng, my mum has 5 siblings and she has still ended up being the one with the responsibility for her parents.