i don't want to have another child he does

[DorothyParker]

namechanger.have one dc 3 yo.one was the agreed plan.recently dh has said he wants to have another one,so they can grow up be close in age.be playmates.i always wanted one so did he.his change of heart is really causing arguments.we both work FT and i don't want to be pregnant again or have another.just the thought of it seems so hard.i only feel now after 3 years that i am getting life back on track.this isn't about money we can afford another but i do like our lifestyle we can afford our house,holidays.

I am one of six sisters and hated having 'nothing' of my own.
My daughter was an only child for 13 years, it broke my heart that she was on her own when we went on holiday,on her own at weekends (unless I arranged playdates for her or piggybacked other people with childrens holidays)and that ultimately,she'd be alone when I was dead and gone. When I had my second daughter I was delighted that at least they had each other despite the massive age difference.
I had a good talk with a midwife about my first daughters delivery (which was a massive barrier to me wanting more) and have found that I enjoy motherhood so much more now than I could have imagined.

it annoys me when people are down on only children. why are people so quick to judge women who only want one, but jump down the throats of people that critiicse others for not wantng any?

I am not 'down' on only children- I just think that my experience of having had one (for 13 years so I kind of know what that was like compared to her life with a sister) and,in my opinion, I feel that children,if it is possible to have another (ignoring those with secondary fertility issues etc etc) like to have someone to share with,whether that's holidays now or memories of family when they are older...It's not an enormous big deal.

I'm also not "down" on only children - but all I can do is speak of my own personal experience and I think it has it's problems and certainly my parents made the decision in terms of what was right for them and not what was right for their child (ie me). To be clear - I'm not passing judgement on that (it is too complex) just stating a fact.

The difficulty with answering the OP in terms of the question "AIBU?" is that no-one can really answer that - it is much too personal a decision and much depends upon personalities of both the parents and the child as to what will work out for the best (if you can ever truly get "the best" rather than just make the best of it).

Nightcrawly yes that happens too and sometimes it genuinely can't be helped but more usually what you have in that situation is some other people that you can justifiably say "come on - pull your weight" to - sometimes people don't have the nerve to do that (I would!) and sometimes they fall into the role of being the "needed one". I don't know what your mum's situation was but nevertheless I take your point.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, it's just a very very difficult situation, and there is no right answer. Is there anything about having another that could solved practically? If it's a case of worrying that you would be exhausted, then he could do more, or you could hire a cleaner etc. If it's just that you don't want another child, then obviously all the practical help in the world isn't going to solve anything.

Could you both agree to think about it and revisit the topic in a set time (6 months?)? But he would have to understand that you might still feel the same way.

Of course YANBU. Having another if you are unsure sounds a very risky proposition to me. Whilst I can see the angle that care for elderly parents falls on only children, I don't think that's enough reason. Also, like a previous poster, I can testify that siblings don't necessarily share such responsibilities between them, e.g. my uncle was one of five, but he was the only one who really engaged with his parents' final care, funeral arrangements, etc. When it comes to families, I reckon small is beautiful!

As I said earlier, I don't think OP is being unreasonable. But nor is her partner, who takes a different view. I was never faced with the situation of one of us wanting another baby and the other not, so don't know how to go about resolving it.

On the one-child family topic, there have been quite a few threads where the question of whether one ought to have another baby, to ensure that one's first-born isn't doomed to a lonely old age, has come up. OP may find it helpful or interesting to read them.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. The idea that an only child will be "doomed to a lonely old age" is nonsense. There is no guarantee that siblings will all like each other anyway. We have a couple of friends who both loathe their respective siblings [one also detests his mother].

At the end of the day you choose your friends, but you're stuck with your family.

".... The idea that an only child will be "doomed to a lonely old age" is nonsense ..."

I agree, Lucia39 - and I am sorry if I gave the impression that I was taking such a view seriously or giving it any credence - but it is an old chestnut which gets brought out every time someone says they are not enthusiastic about having a second baby. You can almost set your watch by someone coming along and mentioning old age, ancient parents and loneliness.

I can identify with the feeling of not wanting another child (in my case, my third) Fortunately DH feels the same. If he Several of my friends are having a third, but nothing could persuade me that it would be worth the upheaval, the pregnancy, the toddlerhood etc.

It's not so different from that, is it?

That said, you might, given time, start to feel broody again. A traumatic birth takes a bit to get over. Maybe DH's desire to have kids close together adds a bit of time pressure, and as Lucia says, siblings close in age doesn't guarantee closeness.

Maybe just wait and see...

delete "if he" from the above !

MadBadandDangerousToKnow: No problem! I do understand the pressures that grand-parents and peer groups place on parents! We only had one and often got "odd" looks when we explained why we never wanted to do it again!

thanks for replies have been at work.me and dh have read the thread and have agreed over wine if it ain't broke don't fix it.or something like that.have discovered we are not aching for another,but he has a preference but not so strong to want any more arguments.we have a much loved child and that is really what counts

"Fast forward 10 years or so, do you want to only have 1 child round the table at xmas etc??"

Yeah let's just slag off couples that have an only child

10 years time yes we will have only one child but a house full of love

glad you've talked about it, DorothyParker and who knows how you will feel in the future

For anyone who wants to chat about being a one child family without starting a separate thread - or occasionally to let off steam - the tea room is open every day. Drop in at any time - everyone is welcome.

DorothyParker Glad the thread helped

DP really glad you were able to talk with your DH about this and be happy with your lot. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and wish you all the best