SIL very down on my DD - am I being PFB?

[GentlyDidIt]

DD is 6, and her next cousin by age is nearly 3 (then 5 more the same age or younger). Family get-togethers happen quite often.

DD is constantly being told off by everyone (including me!) Nothing major, just little things like all the kids running around the garden and getting a bit hyper - DD is the one told to set an example, "old enough to know better", etc. Or if a cake comes out, DD has to wait until last for similar reasons.

Broadly I don't mind, as she does need to learn consideration & care for younger ones (esp as we have another baby on the way )

However my SIL can be quite cruel in her discipline at times, particularly if she feels her DCs (2, and 9 months) have been unfairly treated. It's not "Don't do that please..." to DD, it's always "For God's sake!" If the kids are running around and they all fall over in a pile, it's always DD's fault. She does things like handing out packets of sweets for her DC in front of DD and then rolling her eyes saying "Oh dear, I SUPPOSE we ought to give some to GentlyDD, look at her grumpy face." when actually DD is just watching quietly.

This week all the little ones were telling "stories" around the table and when her DC1 told his very cute story, DD giggled a bit and SIL snapped "Don't be horrible, he's trying his best." DD wasn't being mean, she just found it cute.

I feel like yelling "My DD is 6 not 14!" DD gets quite withdrawn when SIL is around as she senses a dislike coming from her (as do I). It seems to me that what is actually a bit of age-appropriate immaturity from DD is being interpreted as deliberate malice. DD has never so much as pushed in front of her cousins, let alone hurt them or called them names.

SIL get on famously apart from this and it's getting to a point where I want to ask her what's going on.

I suspect this problem is as old as the hills. Anyone with more experience tell me whether I'm BU and how to handle it?

Blimey, as this goes on I realise that I am allowing DD to be treated in exactly the same way that I was treated. Coming from a family of adults who sneer at children does not put me in the best position to spot this, though.

I do think some people with very young dc's overestimate how mature an older child is. When I look at 4 year old ds3 now, to me he seems like a baby as ds1 and ds2 are a lot older. But I do remember being terrified when dh's nephew was that age in case he pulverised my precious ds1!
And I have to say, as a Mum of 4 boys, I am a bit jealous of other people's dd's but I hope I wouldn't let it show in that way! I think there can be a misconception for Mums of boys that girls are catty and our ds's have to be protected from them! Completer rubbish of course but if you only have boys it's easy to fall into that trap.

This problem has happened since my sil had a girl 2 years ago, my boy is 3, it got to the stage it was always his fault everyone else picked up on it to ,I got so depressed as I felt he was being picked on and didn't want to rock the boat upsetting people and fallling out.
In the end I said something I was kind but direct you need to stand up for him, would you allow a teacher or playworker to do this , this is just a example , nip it in the bud before it gets worse hope this helps x.

I'd love to agree that you should pick your sil up on it everytime she says something nasty but I know I wouldn't have the guts to confront someone like that without sounding very defensive!

I would probably go OTT with my praise of dd e.g. sil; 'oh look at that grumpy face', Gently 'good girl dd for waiting so patiently. I'm very proud of you' - then give her 2 packets of sweets

Or i'd probably become very passive-agressive and say things like ''well, dd you must have been copying auntie/sil's face weren't you!''.

Just out of interest, is this your dh's sister? It might be easier if HE said something having that sibling relationship, although if it's your brother's wife then I suppose it falls to you. Maybe "Oi Skin'nBlister, do you realise you said xxx to dn and called her xxx? When actually all she is doing is sitting there quietly. You'll scare her off her fave auntie at this rate."

"...suffering from parent of a smaller child goggles - thinking bigger kids are boisterous, clumsy monsters who will damage their precious tiny one given half a chance."

Your poor DD. She seems almost expected to babysit the toddlers and has to deal with her Aunt's hostility.

I would say nothing, but as others have suggested, stick up for her in future.

That made me laugh desperatehousewifetoo about the auntys face part, Im like you didnt want to say anything at first because I would of been defensive as well but was direct and nice about it
You could praise your son when he has done well as im sure you do and when the aunty says something say aunty is grumpy she wont have a sweetie etc say it in a sickly nice way.

As the oldest your DD should be first, just the same as if their was an older cousin they would be.

Your SIL sounds harsh and may well have the "my DC never do wrong" attitude.

You do need to be there for your DD, as you say she is feeling the attitude and is not doing anything OTT to deserve it.

Hang on in there Gently

Upwind, I used to wear those goggles - now ds is six I cringe at the way I used to glare (inwardly!) at Big Kids who came near him in the playground/at soft play.

Thanks everyone. In answer to questions, SIL and I are not blood relations, so that does bring a different dynamic to it.

It will be interesting to see how things pan out when my baby arrives and suddenly her eldest DC is the older, messier, louder, clumsy one. In fact that could help the situation a lot.

In the meantime, I will try to resist stamp-collecting, but if I see DD looking crestfallen at something SIL has said, I am going to address it on the spot by giving all my attention to DD, taking DD somewhere quiet if necessary and and checking out how she feels. Will then report back to SIL one-on-one.

It's probable that SIL's actions are beyond my control, but I CAN ensure that DD feels well supported.

I am also going to prepare DD for visits from younger ones a bit more, thanks for suggesting that. Teaching her to step back when things get hyper is a BRILLIANT idea.

Thank you everyone for helping me get some clarity about something that I have mulled over all weekend.

Just to add i was 5th out of 7 cousins and the 4th cousins was much older so i was made responsibly for the behaviour of the younger 2 which meant i was always watching / herding and never playing and it made me not want to visit as every mishap it seemed was my fault. My Mum didn't give me frontline support and i felt "got at" by the other parents.

I agree with others - your DD as the eldest should have first dibs on everything!

I also agree with other people that you should definitely have a word with your SIL. And TBH I would be having more than a few gentle words. She needs to be told in very strong language that she is a nasty bully and you will not tolerate her unmerited and unwanted criticism of your daughter and if she does it again, you will be fucking angry.

Or words to that effect.

Actually the more I think about it, I am becoming cross on your DDs behalf, OP.

OP, stand up for your DD and stand up to your SIL - you sound a little bit afraid of her IMHO. Tell your SIL to fuck right off.

Grr, I hate bullies.

agree with try harder, i too feel irrationally cross on your dd's behalf.

you must bite the bullet and stand up for her, even if its hard for you. you really must, otherwise you are allowing her to be exposed to bullying. sorry if that sounds harsh, because i do feel for you. this is simply what i would tell MYSELF if i were in your shoes.

i have had friends of babies make horrible comments re toddlers. these include not wanting baby to go to a childminder as there was a toddler there (who would obv be rough and snatch things from baby...). and another when a friend expressed utter disgust that her neighbour didnt stop her toddler kissing her new baby (oh, the germs!!)

Tell SIL she won't be seeing your family if she carries on bullying your CHILD. If you ever lose control and lamp her, give her an extra one from me will you? Thanks in advance.

has your brother noticed it?

Agree with others re standing up for your daughter when others criticise her and having a word with SIL in private. I also don't understand why older children should always have the last choice of cake. Why not take it in turns? Is SIL a youngest child who thinks youngest children should always come first?
My kids are older than their cousins but I've never had this negative nonsense from my sibs and their spouses. If we're visiting them they get first choice (if there is a choice, usually all cakes are the same) as they are guests, same when they visit us, after all adults don't go in age order re cake choice. I wouldn't expect them to tell my kids off if I'm there, I'd expect them to have a word with me if they think my kids are getting out of hand.
It sounds like it could turn into scapegoating and stop you visiting them if it isn't stopped.

First, I would talk to DD and get her take on things - if there are issues on your DDs part, then I agree with the others that it definitely needs dealing with.

I would probably try pulling her aside, and pointing out that she is not being very nice / fair to your DD, and if that doesn't work then I'd be very blatant about praising up your DD when she puts her down and challenging her put downs or if you're not that brave, then try reversing the situation... you get the sweets out first, make her children wait and then make a pointed comment when her children are blatantly unable to do that!

Totally agree with what edam said. Pick her up on it quietly and politely everytime. It's not on. If it looks like it's going to develop into a debate, say "I'll talk about this with you later; now is not the time". And then do so. My SIL tends to wear "parent of much older child goggles" ... has same effect

The sweet thing sounds really mean and nasty actually. If I had a pack of sweets I would normally offer it to other children before offering the sweets to my kids. I can't imagine either of my SILs opening a pack of sweets and not offering the sweets to the other kids before theirs, just because that's good manners. If we were out with other children on a planned day out I wouldn't give my kids any sweets unless I had enough for all the kids. She sounds selfish and bad mannered.

OP You have to nip this in the bud.
My sisters and I had, as children an aunt, who while lovely in most ways could be quite cruel sometimes in what she said to us.
We all remember it and it does effect your self esteem.

Please for your dds sake just tell your sil to stop putting your dd down and not to speak to her like that.
If she says things like that in front of you who knows what she says when you're not there.

"I had thought of this - next time DD is called "horrible" or "grumpy", saying loudly, "Don't worry, DD, no-one here really thinks that you are horrible." Is that a bit mincey, though?
"

Too be honest I think it is a bit too mincey. I think you need to be more direst and take SIL to one side and say that you wil not put up with your DD being bullied in this manner. She IS being bullied. You wouldn't stand for thsi behaviour from another kid in her class so don't stand for it from her aunt.

Is she your partner's sister or your brother's wife? What does your partner think about it? If its your brother's wide could you talk to him. Or if its your partner's sister coudl he talk to her. She needs to be politely told that this is unacceptable and you won't have your DD treated this way.

Thanks for more input. Yep, she is widely known to be a difficult and outspoken character, but since she has been a big support to me on other matters in the past and has a lot of issues I think I have had my tolerant goggles on and let this one creep up on us.

Our next visit could be interesting... I know that whatever I say will be retaliated against loudly and very hurtfully - possibly in DD's direction - which is a large part of my reluctance to address it in a group setting.

A bully relies on no-one speaking up, though...

I think you must stand up for your daughter. She needs to know mum is in her corner! If her feelings are being hurt and you just sit there and watch it, she will feel very alone. She needs you to speak up for her.

I haven't read all the replies here, but I would say definitely you need to nip this in the bud.

I am an oldest child (I have 2 younger brothers). I was very affected growing up by getting the blame for things, "you should know better being the oldest" etc.

As a result, I have grown up with a over-hightened sense of responsibility. I suffer with OCD and I attribute much of that to the pressure I felt being the oldest child. (Not saying your DD would react to it in the same way is I did btw - we all handle things differently - but stuff like this can have a lasting effect).

It sounds to me like your SIL has kind of got a bee in her bonnet and probably doesn't realise just how unkind she is being, but unchallenged she will see her behaviour as acceptable. It is not.

I think a quiet word in her ear is in order.