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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dressing dd in clothes she's bought. Come and slap sense into me!

66 replies

EyeballshasBackBoobs · 10/06/2009 23:33

17 month old dd goes to MIL one day a week while I'm at work (my mother and nursery other two days). She's great with her and they do lots of lovely things that I don't get the chance to do. Anyway...

I used to send dd's little bag with nappies etc and two changes of clothes (MIL picks her up at sparrows' cough in her pjs) but all the clothes kept coming back clean. It turns out that she has a supply of clothes that she bought herself that she puts dd into. Now I know this is very handy for me, less washing and less bag preparation etc, but FIL sent me some photos they'd taken this week and she doesn't look like my dd. The clothes they're using are not what I'd buy and she looks really odd.

I know I'm BU and I'm not really making a fuss and would never say anything to them cos it's a non issue and they're great and lovely but it bugs me slightly so am laying it out in AIBU so you can all slap me silly and tell me to get over it

Off you go then

OP posts:
moondog · 11/06/2009 00:08

Ah Chip. that would indeed be very different indeed.

moondog · 11/06/2009 00:08

Indeed it would.

Pingpong · 11/06/2009 00:10

at least if the clothes are not to your taste you don't really see DD in them (apart from the odd photo) it's worse if MIL buys gifts of clothes and then expects you to put them in them - right there and then and pulls off the tags so you can't take them back and exchange them.
OR stinking stuff with stains from the car boot sale!

It is a bit strange so I don't think you are be unreasonable to feel funny about it but in the big scheme of things it isn't too bad.

Now a haircut is overstepping the mark.

LackaDAISYcal · 11/06/2009 00:10

Are you my SIL?

My MIL used to do the exact same thing with my DS when he was younger and no doubt does the same with BILs DC who she looks after now.

I used to get a bit stressy about it, but then thought there are bigger battles with her that I needed my strength for.

and chippingin, my MIL did used to change him in and out of the clothes I dressed him in and "her" clothes, and would change him back before he came home....but this is the woman who changes into nice clothes to go from the house to the car to our house, shanges into something for wearing round the house and then does it all again before they go home

Original poster
EyeballshasBackBoobs · 11/06/2009 00:12

LOL actually, she didn't give her a haircut, wouldn't dare but dd did come home one evening with her hair really flat. She has wavy/curly hair, especially at the back and she looked so funny. I'm convinced MIL blow dried it although she denies it

OP posts:
moondog · 11/06/2009 00:13

'stinking stuff with stains from the car boot sale!'

Someone posted a while back as the MIL took the baby and had her ears pierced.

ChippingIn · 11/06/2009 01:31

Hair cutting/ear piercing = no unsupervised contact. End of.

Indeed moondog - indeed

LackaDaisyCal - God I wonder if your MIL is my Aunt?? My Aunt changes all day - it's nothing for her to change 6 times in a day (going 3 doors down to the newsagents for her papers/house clothes/into local village/house clothes/garden clothes (to dead head or something non dirty even/house clothes/evening house clothes and on it goes.... - and at her own house - so it's no reflection on the house she's at as you could eat off the floor in any room (or any other surface you fancy). Me, I'm my same scruffy self for newsagents/local shops or the queen I can see the despair in her eyes

katiestar · 11/06/2009 10:32

maybe sh tyhinks she's saving you laundry ?

I think really its a bit of wanting to play dollies with your DD. I do understand where you are coming from ,but I think you would come over as a control freak if you said anything.Just indulge her and be grateful for the chuildcare.

DeepGoat · 11/06/2009 10:37

i think you are both in for a shock when she starts wanting to dress herself. [shudders @ memory of purple taffeta dress given to dd and worn constantly]

chillax eyeballs.

wilbur · 11/06/2009 10:45

I'm always thrilled to go through the bags when dcs have been to PILs as there are always new clothes (MIL is one of life's shoppers) and mostly the clothes are clean and I don't have to do laundry - I see it as a huge favour and a massive bonus. Mostly the clothes are great, sometimes they are grim (dd currently has a passion for a dress that MIL bought that I a not keen on, so I let her wear it when she's going to get really filthy and then it lives in the washbasket for a really long time). Having good grandparents is really special and if it gives your MIL pleasure to dress dd up a bit, I would allow her that and see it as part of family life.

wilbur · 11/06/2009 10:50

Oh and MIL never had a daughter of her own (4 boys) and when my niece was born - first girl in family for 80 years - MIL decorated a spare room in a mad fairy, organza explosion with marabou fairy lights. I guess some people might think that was but tbh, I just thought it was lovely that she finally had some girls stuff to play with.

2rebecca · 11/06/2009 10:57

I think it's odd she didn't say initially "don't bother sending clothes as I saw some I couldn't resist in the shops last week", and would feel a bit put out my clothes not considered good enough but would let it be. Loads of relatives bought clothes for my kids when wee. Now they're older and more into clothes and the clothes are a bit pricier no-one's interested. As kids grow out of clothes so quickly it's a shame she doesn't just give you the clothes to add to your stock, maybe she will as your daughter grows.

Rollergirl1 · 11/06/2009 11:15

It's definitely a control thing. But as everyone else has said you're getting free childcare and you do have to pick your battles wisely when it comes to psycho MIL/grandmother's.

My MIL is exactly the same. It is difficult to bite your tongue because (well in my case at least) I know she does it as a way of manipulating me and getting control but save it for something that really is scary nutjob. My MIL once when we were visiting put the travel cot up in their room rather than ours. I went mental but apparently it was so "we could have a lie-in in the mornings". Another time DD and I had been away for a wedding and MIL looking after DD. We called when we were around half an hour away to say we'd be home soon and express how much we'd missed DD. Only to find when we got there that MIL had taken her out and wasn't answering her phone.

giveloveachance · 11/06/2009 11:15

I think its a bit odd to be honest. Especially if its gone on for a while and they said nothing, letting you go to the trouble of packing clothes for her that they then choose to ignore. If you have only just found out - what does she come home in? do they put her in her pjs?

My mil has bought clothes (all terrible ) and I haven't put dd in them - luckily cos most were the wrong size so I could go and change them for something more suitable (unlike the fluorescent pink furry cardigan in 100% polyester - friction burns just looking at it !!) It is tricky when relative buy clothes - especially when a generation apart, having said that my mum usually comes up trumps but she is a bit more practical and observant and gets things to match what we already have.

suwoo · 11/06/2009 11:23

It is lovely that you get the childcare, my parents live abroad and PIL are --useless- not helpful, so in the 7 years I have had children (pg with no3) I haven't had a moments help.

The clothes thing though would piss me right off. I am extremely fussy and my two never wear anything that anyone else has bought.

Yes, I know that could be seen as ungrateful, but luckily no-one really buys them clothes anyway.

Pinkjenny · 11/06/2009 11:24

You make me larf. Control freak, anyone?

minko · 11/06/2009 11:26

We have the in-laws staying at the moment. She bought some delightful clothes with her for DD and DS. They are always from cheapo shops or from the market and are always in hideous lairy colours. Then she moans that she never sees her grandchildren in the clothes she has bought (to me and my SIL), but that's usually as they have fallen apart the first time they went in the washing machine!

MrsMichaelSchofield · 11/06/2009 11:27

YANBU - this would really annoy me. If she wants to buy your DD clothes, which is great, then she should give them to you. I think it's actually very weird that she's doing this, very much a control thing

ChippingIn · 11/06/2009 11:36

I think that as she picks her up in her jammies and returns her in her jammies (so has to get her dressed anyway), it's not a big deal. If she likes the type of clothes that she buys better and she's the one taking her out for the day, then it's just personal choice isn't it - really not control freakery!

Give the old dear granny a break

Rollergirl1 · 11/06/2009 11:45

I think you are right, that when you go through the logistics of it it doesn't actually sound that bad. But the fact that the OP used to provide clothes that were not used and nothing was ever mentioned is what makes it a control thing. The MIL hasn't mentioned it because she doesn't want to draw attention to it. This is exactly what my MIL does and I think it is because she knows deep down that she's being a bit weird or underhand.

paisleyleaf · 11/06/2009 11:55

I think YA(perhaps)BU
and if I was in the same situation I would be being unreasonable too. It would bug me.

Confuzzeled · 11/06/2009 12:07

Ha Ha Ha, sorry this has made me laugh so much as my MIL also has the most horrific taste in clothes for my dd. I don't know where she gets them, but I could never put my dd in them.

Your lucky to get the childcare, wish my family lived closer, they would love to look after my dd.

My dd is 2 and she already decides what she wants to wear so they won't be able to dress up dolly for much longer

notsoteenagemum · 11/06/2009 12:18

I know how you feel- my pil took my dd to the beach at 6 months and ignored the sun suit I'd packed her,instead choosing a neon triangle bikini [vomit]
They also like to dress dc in full football kits.[double vomit]
They only dare do it when they take them away though, not when I'm in the vacinity, and I can't really moan because I get a few days to myself about 6 times a year.

Lovemyshoes · 11/06/2009 12:33

I would be annoyed too.

I can remember once MIL and FIL had my dd when she was about 2, they brought her home and went I saw what they had dressed her in I started crying.

She was wearing a pair of fluorescent green and yellow dungaress with a matching baseball cap, a pink tea shirt, frilly socks and a pair of doodles.

I was mortified, she looked like a psychadelic krankie.

pamelat · 11/06/2009 12:35

I think that mums and MIL's are very odd when it comes to things like this.

Mine (both) also like to get DD her own big, her own highchair, her own clothes (not necessarily change her but put a cardy on that they have at their house).

I think that they must be slightly broody? They seem to want to provide for her?

I have no isses with the practicalities of it and have learnt to accept that they mean well and just love DD. However a small part of me wants to shout "shes mine you cant do all this!" Fortunately I do not