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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will go on a "date" with his sisters but not with me

48 replies

SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 19:32

Now it is entirely possible that I am being unreasonable as I am a walking ball of pregnancy hormones at the moment but here goes...

A while ago, I asked DH if he would like to go and see the film "Angles and Demons" with me. He said he wasn't bothered about seeing it and I should find someone else to go with. I have since organised to go with his 2 best mates and one of thier wives - not the perfect company but at least I get to see the film without having to go on my own.

Tonight, DH tells me that he is going to the cinema with his 2 sisters and that they will be going to see "Angels and Demons". He went to the cinema with one of his sisters last month too.

Now, I love the fact that DH has such a good relationship with his sisters and I usually do all I can to encourage him but this trip has gotten me a bit upset. Not only will it be the second time he has been out with his sisters recently (when I can't remember the last time we went out alone together) but it will be to see the film that he didn't want to see with me.

I know it's hassle when we go out together as we have to fnd a babysitter for DS (usually his parents who live 5 minutes from our house and complain that they don't get to babysit him enough!) but his sisters live a half hour drive away so going out with them involves effort too. He's going to have to go straight to one of thier houses on his way home from work and have dinner with them and won't get home until late - missing DS completely for a day as he leaves before we wake up in the morning.

Now to me - in my admittedly hormonal state - it seems like this particular film is worth making the effort for if he can have a night out with his sisters but is not worth making an effort for if it means spending time with me, his wife.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit unimportant?

OP posts:
leonifay · 10/06/2009 19:36

yanbu, can you talk to him about how you feel?

HaventSleptForAYear · 10/06/2009 19:39

yanbu but I have to say that both me and my husband often make more of an effort for others than for each other!

For my DH the babysitter factor would be big, he thinks it's ridiculous to pay cinema prices plus babysitter.

Plus, perhaps his sisters suggested meeting up, he agreed, and THEN they said what the film was.

Agree that you should (calmly) say that you think it's important to make time for each other esp. before the baby comes.

good luck

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 20:00

I did try to talk to him about how I feel - almost cried but made sure I didn't - but he just doesn't get it. Says it's not the same thing at all. Can't undertstand why I would be upset.

You're right haventslept, the film was his sisters suggestion - she sent him a meeting request on outlook (the best way to get hold of him sometimes!) suggesting both the cinema trip and the film - I'm just hurt that when I suggested it, he said "no" without any problems but when his sister asks, he says "yes" just as quickly

Babaysitter would be free obviously cause it's Grandparents so we are very lucky that we don't have to factor that into the cost of the trip.

I have said to him that it would be nice for us to spend some time together and he said I was welcome to organise a babysitter and chose a film but somehow that doesn't seem to make me feel better. It's like he'll go out with me only if it involves no effort on his part at all.

Once we have a new baby, time together will be even more precious. It's hard enough with just a toddler and we don't spend time alone together now.

OP posts:
Kimi · 10/06/2009 20:04

He is selfish, lock him out.

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 20:06

But then I would get to see even less of him Kimi!

OP posts:
Baisey · 10/06/2009 20:19

Try arranging his parents to look after your DS, book some cinema tickets online and then suprise him with it.

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 20:28

I did something similar on his birthday though Baisey - I booked a table at a restaurant, organised his parents to babysit and took him out for dinner. On my birthday, we I ordered in pizza.

Why does it always have to be me that makes all the effort?

Plus, it still grates that he will go an see this film with his sisters when he wouldn't even consider going with me.

Urgh! I'm trying not to seem childish but failing miserably now aren't I!

OP posts:
LadyPinkofPinkerton · 10/06/2009 20:43

YOu're not being childish at all. If it was different film then fair enough but its the very film he told you he didn't want to see.

I just can't comprehend how he doesn't get that this would upset you tbh.

Hulababy · 10/06/2009 20:48

YANBU. I think you need to have it out with him again and make him understand. I wouldn't hold back tears either - at least then he can see just how upset he is making you.

Baisey · 10/06/2009 20:58

He needs a kick up the arse then.
You are definately not being unreasonable or childish.
Hulababy is right about the tears.

barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 20:58

It's possibly not the film he particularly wants to see, but time with his sisters. If that's what they arranged then he probably agreed just to be with them.

2rebecca · 10/06/2009 21:05

That would really annoy me. I would say to him "how come you'll go to see this film with your sisters but not me? This doesn't make me feel good about our relationship and I wonder if you don't enjoy my company any more"
I would be quite angry about this, and tell him I feel quite rejected by his attitude.

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 21:06

I agree barnsleybelle it's the time with his sisters he's going for not the film but still, why can he suck it up and watch the film for them and not for me?

I'm his wife!

Tears will no doubt make him switch off and ignore me. I just wish he could understand why he's upset me though.

I'm glad he loves his family but sometimes I really do feel like they come first.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 10/06/2009 21:11

If you see a film with someone you don't get time with them though, you're just sitting next to them for 2 hours but not communicating. If he wanted to "see" his sisters surely they'd go out for a drink or come round to the house or something? If I'm wanting time with my sister (who I rarely see as she lives hours away) a cinema is the last place I'd go.

barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 21:12

sarah... I do get why your upset btw. i think if i'm honest i would too.
I have 2 older brothers and we get together as often as we can, they usually just do whatever i tell them we are doing, ie... a meal, pub etc. Maybe their wives get annoyed if i drag them to a place for food they've previously refused!!
Having said that, i would never suggest the cinema as all we do is gossip and chat when we get out so cinema not good!!
Thinking about it now, bugger it YANBU..

barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 21:12

2rebecca... x posts

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 21:20

OK, I asked him about it again. He says...

He see's me everyday, spending time staring at a cinema screen is no different to being at home with me staring at the TV and him staring at his PC. We are still "together"

Going to the cinema with his sisters may not be "quality time" but it is time spent with people he doesn't get to see very regularly.

I hate to admit that it makes sense but I suppose it does a little.

Am still upset that he wouldn't see the film with me and will still be petitioning for him to take me out to dinner sometime before the new baby comes but I may stop sulking quite so much now.

Thanks guys for making me feel like I'm not a complete hormonal weirdo

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 21:23

Bless him, i think he sounds lovely! Better to be out with his sisters at the cinema, than on a pub crawl with the boys til god knows what time

alicet · 10/06/2009 21:30

I can see his point actually with your last post althoguh until i read that I thought totally YANBU.

Just goes to show it's worth talking to people properly and not blowing things up out of all proportion without giving them a chance to explan their viewpoint (and I'll not having a go at you with this comment byt the way - this is exactly what I do! )

Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 21:32

Oh god - that was last week - he ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor where he passed out after being sick! (he's impossible to move when he's like that - I did try!)

He's off to Berlin for the beer festival in August too. At least then I don't have to see him drunk and can pretend it's not happening!

You're right though - at least he's pretty certain to come back in one piece from the cinema with his sisters...and he did bring me back pick 'n'mix last time. Always bonus points when you bring sweeties back for a pregnant lady

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahL2 · 10/06/2009 21:35

Thanks alicet. As I said, I am a mass of hormones at the moment so I reserve the right to blow things out of all proportion and then change my mind 5 minutes later

You guys really helped me stay sane though. I love Mumsnet

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 21:36

sarah... having said that, i've sent my brothers home in some terrible states. It seems they think they won't get told off if they've been out with little sis!!! Bet my name is mud

lou33 · 10/06/2009 21:39

is there no way you can go with them?

barnsleybelle · 10/06/2009 21:44

lou... sorry for jumping in as it's not my post... but, when my brothers and i go out we do so to be together without all our other halves. We do all spend time together with partners etc, but we like our nights out just us together.

lou33 · 10/06/2009 21:47

i just thought if they all went in one group it would save any hassle, he sees his family, he keeps his wife happy, and the friends get to see the film as well

everyone sees everyone that way