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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to the way this teacher spoke to my DD?

37 replies

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 11:01

Yesterday I sent my dd to school without a coat. I did not really think it was very cold, but I don't feel the cold much, so I accept I may have been wrong.

At playtime the teacher asked dd if she had a coat - dd said 'No'. The teacher said 'I am going to check your peg, and if you are lying you are going to be in big trouble'. This upset dd, who is naturally pretty compliant, and an all-round goodie two-shoes who does all she can to be in the teacher's good books (she is not terribly like me).

Of course, there was not coat. Teacher did not apologise.

My dd is 5. If she goes to school without a coat, it is my fault, not hers. She is also NOT generally given to lying. The one thing that might make her lie, is being shouted at and frightened for something over which she has no control.

DD was upset. I am pissed off. Am I being unreasonable?

I have advised dd to take no notice, encouraged her to laugh off the whole thing, and I plan to leave it there. But really, what is the point of treating little kids in such an aggressive manner?

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/06/2009 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hassled · 09/06/2009 11:04

I think if it's a one-off and you usually have no problems with the teacher, then leave it. We all have bad days and she may well have regretted the words as soon as they came out of her mouth. Yes, she should have apologised anyway, but taken on its own it's not a huge deal.

If the incident is part of a bigger picture re concerns about the teacher, then talk to the Head, with specific examples.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/06/2009 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NormaSknockers · 09/06/2009 11:05

Have to agree with Shiney

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/06/2009 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

savoycabbage · 09/06/2009 11:07

If this had happened then I would be upset and might speak to my child's teacher about it to register the fact that I was upset but it might not have happened just like that. My 5 year old wouldn't be able to tell me enough information for me to make that decision.

savoycabbage · 09/06/2009 11:08

at NormaSknockers' name!

maltesers · 09/06/2009 11:09

You may be right, but are you sure the teacher said the owrd "lying" ?? Could it not have been "...if you are not telling the truth ".. Did you witness what she said or are you going by what your DD of 5 yrs told you.??? They dont always get all the facts right ...
The teacher was probably having "a bad hair day ..PMT or what have you...Was it a teacher or just a Dinner lady ?? Some of them (not all) dont always know how to speak to kids in the correct way . They are not trained teachers..

However, i know this may not be of any consolation to you but i think teachers are now too soft and when we were at school they were a lot more strick. I got slapped on the back (aged 5) by my Headmistress for throwing an apple core on the ground during playtime.. !! The old cow !!

ComeOVeneer · 09/06/2009 11:11

"Yes, she should have apologised anyway, but taken on its own it's not a huge deal."

I disagree. OK it isn't a "Huge deal" but I think adults need to be seen as able to admit when they are wrong and apologise to others when they are (Including children). I feel very strongly about that.

Original poster

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 11:15

It definitely was the teacher, not a dinner lady.

As I said, I have not got any intention of taking it any further, I know we all have bad days, but I have seen this teacher standing leaning over a seated five year old, really, really shouting at him (the child was not one I know well but he looked terrified, and i thought it was very intimidating, just for a bit of noise - and it was only a bit of noise).

Thank God she only teaches dd for one day a week.

OP posts:

Hassled · 09/06/2009 11:17

You're right, ComeOVeneer, about the importance of adults being seen to apologise when they mess up. It is important. What I meant was if that's the only thing the teacher's cocked up with after almost a whole school year of everything in the garden being roses, then it's not worth pursuing.

Original poster

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 11:20

ComeOVeneer - I agree with you. I think I would be fine about it if an apology had been forthcoming. DH and I try to speak to kids and adults in a polite way, and apologise if we fall short - i am not sure how anyone expects kids to grow up to be polite and considerate if they are not dealt with in a polite and considerate way by the adults they meet on a daily basis.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 11:21

Maltesers, what difference does it make wether she said "lying" or not "telling the truth"? botom line is that she made this little girl feel like she could not be trusted. I agree with ComeOVeneer.

maltesers · 09/06/2009 11:29

The DD is 5 years old.... do you trust and rely on EVERYThing a 5 yr old tells you.?? Of course not. My 8 year old says some real rubbish and untruths at times..... But from what CAKESANDALE says this teacher sounds like an Ogre,, more suitable for secondary age kids.

Original poster

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 11:33

She is a bit of an ogre to the kids, which is my point, really. As I say, I am not taking it further on this occasion.

But it is horrible. And the odd thing is that she writes LOVELY comments in the home/school links book thingy, and sent me a get well card when I was ill, which I thought was really above and beyond. She is a nice woman. Just does not speak to kids properly and probably, I would argue, does not get the best out of them because of that.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 11:35

Well, yes, I mostly do trust my children. I think our family life would be quite awful if they could not be trusted. IMHO, the "feeling" they get (when talked to) is more important than actually reporting what has been said word for word.

barnsleybelle · 09/06/2009 11:35

In all fairness the children often exagerate what was said.
Proceed with caution.

maltesers · 09/06/2009 11:57

GORIONINE....children under about ten are never able to express correctly everything that happened or was said. Sometimes they get it right , sometimes they dont. Why do you think they cannot be taken as 'Gospel' in court? Because they are too young and immature to be accurate. The feelings they feel are all part of life and it is something that unfortunately we all have to deal with. Its tough , i know but thats life. This teacher is a old bag, and is trying to compensate for her unpleasantness by sending get well cards (OTT) and writing lovely comments on paper. It just all trips out when she doesnt think and opens her mouth. If anymore is said that is not acceptable CAKES then i would speak to the Head if your child is upset again.

anastaisia · 09/06/2009 12:02

I think its really important to trust your children when they say things like this. Even if they have put their own spin on it and exaggerated, SOMETHING happened that made them feel uncomfortable.

If you just dismiss it, or disbelive them, how can you know what they will do the next time something happens that makes them feel uncomfortable - if you didn't listen or took no action (as simple an action as talking it through with them, not even storming up to school) will they feel there's no point telling you as they can sense your distrust?

What if later something makes them uncomfortable that leads to falling in with the wrong crowd or being groomed for abuse. And I'm not someone who sees the potential for abuse lying around every corner - but I do think that not responding to your child's concerns about even small things is more dangerous than letting them go out unsupervised or play online or anything like that.

I want my dd to be able to come to me with ANYTHING that troubles her, no matter how insignificant it might be in the grand scheme of things, and to know that I will take her seriously and if she wants me to I will help her find the best course of action.

I would probably have a word with the teacher; doesn't have to be a big deal - just something like 'DD was quite upset because SHE FELT (not you said) that you didn't believe her. I've spoken to her about it and she knows that ....(insert whatever you and DD agreedwhen you spoke - you might have been rushing, just trying to make sure she was warm etc)..... So its fine now but I just wanted to let you know' Then the teacher knows how her particular actions made dd feel and might think twice before repeating the behaviour.

Original poster

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 12:02

Hi Maltesers

You are right, I hadn't thought, perhaps she is compensating!

I'll keep an eye on what happens over the next few weeks (we will have her next year as well, so I can't just ignore, but don't want to go over the top).

OP posts:

Original poster

Cakesandale · 09/06/2009 12:11

Hi Anastaisia

I also try to ensure my dd can tell me anything, just so I can sort out the important from the dross for myself (and we do often disagree on the things that are important). On this latest one, we had a discussion where I told her to ignore the miserable old bat (probably a bit disrespectful but I wanted her to get a bit of perspective) and then she said she was going to do karate on Mrs X in her head. So I just said - well, give her a chop from me as well. And today I sent her in with a coat, just in the interests of balance.

I think I'll leave the word with Mrs X until the next incident. Which I am sure will come.....

OP posts:

katiestar · 09/06/2009 12:15

We have taken the kids in our R/Yr1 class today and at least a third of them denioied having coats ,and on further investigation of course nearly all of them did.I don't know why put many kids are very reluctant to put on coats at school.
I can imagine a teacher would say this ,I've often heard it to regular 'offinders'.The teacher didn't actully accuse your DD of lying did she , she said IF she was lying ?
I can understand you being annoyed but I hope the bit of background has helped to put into context.

Highlander · 09/06/2009 12:17

you've actually on another occasion seen her shout at a 5 year old??

Sorry, this woman is being paid a professional salary - she needs to act in an appropriate manner.

Complain - ans ask for her to be sent off for retraining, and completely supervised until she is felt to be competent.

How on earth can we expect children to be emotionally mature wqhen teachers can get away with this sort of immature, nasty behaviour??

maltesers · 09/06/2009 12:21

Thats a tad pompous "ask for her to be sent off for retaining," !!!!B We are mere parents, what would the Head think of a parents saying that.?? We are not trained but we've got kids. My sons teacher can be a bitch and is very strict, but he has survived the year and am glad next term he will have a kinder teacher... However, this teacher is not nice to 5 year olds. Get her into the secondary age group... She is too tough for 5 yr olds.

poshsinglemum · 09/06/2009 12:24

YANBU.
I have enduring memories of the shitty things that teachers said to us in primary school. However, as a teacher I can say that I get so ground down and cynical by the lies that students tell me that I do get a bit cynical and snappy. I wouldn't take it personally but of course your dd has. Mabe reasure your dd that you knowe that she is not a liar and taht mabe teacher has had a bad day.
If you feel really strongly then why not have a word with the teacher? It might air any bad feelings you have.

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