To object to the way this teacher spoke to my DD?

[Cakesandale]

Yesterday I sent my dd to school without a coat. I did not really think it was very cold, but I don't feel the cold much, so I accept I may have been wrong.

At playtime the teacher asked dd if she had a coat - dd said 'No'. The teacher said 'I am going to check your peg, and if you are lying you are going to be in big trouble'. This upset dd, who is naturally pretty compliant, and an all-round goodie two-shoes who does all she can to be in the teacher's good books (she is not terribly like me).

Of course, there was not coat. Teacher did not apologise.

My dd is 5. If she goes to school without a coat, it is my fault, not hers. She is also NOT generally given to lying. The one thing that might make her lie, is being shouted at and frightened for something over which she has no control.

DD was upset. I am pissed off. Am I being unreasonable?

I have advised dd to take no notice, encouraged her to laugh off the whole thing, and I plan to leave it there. But really, what is the point of treating little kids in such an aggressive manner?

Sorry about spelling.

Anastaisia, I think you are a very wise woman. I would sincerly nor be able to go through day to day life if I had to assume all the time that my DCs are lying or have misunderstood. Why bother talking to them before the age of 10 then if there is absolutely no way they can get anything right before that age?

I am aware that the very accurate comprehension or reporting from a little child can be a bit "wonky" to say the least but the automatic assumption that they got it wrong is not really positive IMO and it totally dissmisses the child's feelings.

I think the court thing is not only because children are not reliable, but because they could be influenced or confused under a very stressfull environment.

Highlander - yes, shouting, leaning over, red faced, the lot.

It is too much for littlies isn't it?

They are so vulnerable. It breaks my heart when I say 'Take no notice, don't let it upset you' and dd says 'I try Mummy, but I feel like crying'.

having worked in school, I know how these things are hard to interpret.

The amount of five year olds who swear blind they have no coat, then you see it later is amazing.

I would think perhaps she said "are you sure? I will go and check your peg"" which to a five year old says "you don't believe me, I will get in trouble".

If it happens again, have a chat.

maltesers - as somebody who has worked with young witnesses, courts are increasingly accepting their evidence as being as reliable - or as unreliable - as adults.

Regarding this incident - my response to this situation in the past has been to make a point of bringing in the offending item and speaking directly to the teacher, and apologising for my ommission. This was been accompanied by a pointed 'Any further problems, just let ME know.'

This brought to the teachers attention that child talks to me about what goes on at school, and reminds her that I am a vocal and visible mum.

I was also able to say to DS that I had spoken to the teacher about the incident, without having to get into the whys and wherefores of precisely what was said.

The teacher in question was a good teacher, but had got into the habit of shouting, which is something we've all been guilty of at some point. It is a BAD habit though, BAD for the shouter and bad for the child.

Thanks Maria

Good idea for dealing with it!

I never suggested storming up to the school, there aren't many problems in life I'd deal with by storming anywhere. But people, both children and adults, learn through feedback from themselves and others. If no-one tells the teacher her manner is inappropriate then how will she realise the children feel like that.

I think showing your child that one way of handling a situation like that is to tell the other person how the experience felt to you and waiting to see if they modify their behaviour is a brilliant way to teach them. Much better than telling them they have to put up with crap from people in positions of power because life isn't fair.

Also, I'm intrigued by the teachers on the thread replying that children don't wear their coats even when they have them so you need to check. Have you considered that they might be lying about it because you make them wear their coats when they don't want to when you know they have them. What on earth is wrong with letting them decide if they feel warm or cold? By school age I would expect a child, without additional needs, to be able to judge this for themself.

If you're going out for a couple of hours on a walk on an 'undecided' kind of day ,then it is common sense to take a coat.I certainly would !
Many 4 4 yr olds will say things like ' I don't feel cold' when they are standing in the classroom.Added to that little children for the most part get very excited about going out of school and just want to go,go,go .and don't want to waste time with coats and going to the toilet !
Besides think how many parents would complain if their kids got wet and cold and we'd left their coat on their peg.

not sure about this trusting of 5yos tbh

my MIL is 82, but she still cringes at the memory of how she stormed into dh's primary school and told them off for teaching her precious son wrestling in the PE lessons

of course, they were doing no such thing

and there is nothing wrong with dh's general honesty or with his relationship with his mum; his imagination just got the better of him at that particular time

my brother has painful memories of sitting for hours in the waiting room of the local clinic, then having the doctor peer into his son's ears in a bewildered fashion, for my nephew finally to admit that 'I was only kidding, I don't really have an earache'

dd has never done anything on this scale, but I notice that if I ask her about school incidence a few weeks later, I get a totally different (and often less sensational) account

doesn't excuse the teacher shouting of course

ok MARIS 1665 ... point taken. All i know is little ones dont always get the facts right.
MadamDefarge... i agree the teacher MAY have said it like that.... but who knows ??

I just wanted to say thanks to the OP! I read her name as CakeSale and it reminded me to put some cash in my pocket for a school pick up cake sale this afternoon! Otherwise I would have completely forgotten and had crestfallen children! Wow, the benefits of Mumsnet just go on and on!