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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To write a letter...

67 replies

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:05

...to my exh1?

Tomorrow would have been our silver wedding anniversary. I don't regret not being with him, not a bit. It's just that all the abuse he put me through and I've never been able to tell him how he made me feel etc. I spent years having bad dreams and being very afraid of him in case he somehow found me.

He beat me, sexually abused me, emotionally abused me ~ the whole kit and caboodle for 6+ years before I found the courage to put an end to it.
Well, through FB of course, I can send him a message can't I?

Would I be unreasonable to do it? I have not seen or heard from him for about 15 years, but it/he niggles me often and I wondered if this might be a way of finally putting it all to rest.

OP posts:
littlelamb · 08/06/2009 16:07

No
Leave it alone.
If you must, then write a letter. Then put it away, or burn it. Don't give him the satisfaction

PremenstrualChickens · 08/06/2009 16:09

Agree with littlelamb.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:12

I have done that before LL with other matters(friends that abandoned me in favour of him even though they saw the physical damage he caused, I wrote and burned those letters), but this I'm certain won't leave me in a puff of smoke. It is so raw at times even after all these years. I feel I need him to be told

OP posts:
Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:13

I mean, I could leave it alone, but it won't leave me alone.

OP posts:
littlelamb · 08/06/2009 16:14

But what will it achieve? I completely understand the urge, I really do. But if he is that big of a twat then it won't matter how he has made you feel, and it can't change anything. He'd probably get a kick out of knowing you are still thinking about it all this time later

littlelamb · 08/06/2009 16:14

But what will it achieve? I completely understand the urge, I really do. But if he is that big of a twat then it won't matter how he has made you feel, and it can't change anything. He'd probably get a kick out of knowing you are still thinking about it all this time later

Deemented · 08/06/2009 16:15

By all means write it - you don't have to post it, but just the act of writing it may prove to be cathartic for you.

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/06/2009 16:16

I told someone how I felt about them having had mixed feelings all these years. There were good and bad things to say but I am not sure how to advise you. I am glad things were said in my case.

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/06/2009 16:17

No doubt if you did write, your ex would see it as a sign you still wanted him though.

GoodWitchGlinda · 08/06/2009 16:17

Can see how you would want to write this, to get closure.

BUT, don't forget that he may write back....

Be prepared for what happens beyond you sending the letter, as that will likely not be the end of it.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:19

I've written some of it out already. I've even made a point of making up a profile with pictures, in my old name so that he see's a wonderfully happy me...I just don't think writing but not sending it is going to rid me of these feelings. It literally chews me up inside at times. I don't know why really, but it's just still with me, like it's haunting me.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 16:21

No, please don't do it.
I completely understand your anger and your need to have your say....

But he is a dangerous and controlling man and the message you are sending is: 'I still think about you' - this will give him a huge perverted thrill.

You had the courage to walk away and start a new life. Now have the courage to resist what is an understandable desire but a foolish one.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:23

Oh, I think he will know that I certainly don't want him. I don't have to read his reply I suppose(if he actually writes one)and I could even just close the FB account in a weeks time or something. It is about closure for me I guess...the last time I saw him in the flesh, was in court when I got an injuction out against him.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 16:25

What if it doesn't bring the closure you crave? What if he responds with a horrible, hurtful, aggressive letter of his own. How will that make you feel?

AMumInScotland · 08/06/2009 16:25

If you need closure, can you talk to your GP about getting some proper help with these feelings? Like others, I think writing to him will only be taken by him as "You still have the power to make me feel like crap", which may even encourage him to get back in touch and try to continue where he left off, which is not going to help you to move on.

littlelamb · 08/06/2009 16:25

If you have an injunction, why would you logically want to get in contact?? Understandable you are very hurt by what he has done. But from what you've said he'd probably love that. If you think he's going to read the letter and have regrets then you are wrong.

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/06/2009 16:28

If you have an injunction and then contact him, you won't have as much of a case against him if you choose to contact him iyswim.

Stigaloid · 08/06/2009 16:28

If he was that abusive he wont care and will probably get a kick out the fact that you are still thinking about him after all these years. Leave it. If you must write it then burn it, but don't contact him. Plus once you contact through facebook he can view your entire profile for a month for free - he will be able to get back into your life - leave well enough alone.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:29

I have embellished the FB profile with lots of great exaggerations and he'll certainly think I'm having a great life now...
I just want him to know that he really, really hurt me and if he's turned into a decent human being now, then maybe it'll make him think about what he did do to me.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 16:30

To voluntarily re-establish contact with a violent man that you asked the courts to protect you from is insane. You must see that?

Pheebe · 08/06/2009 16:31

SOLO I think you should think carefully about what you want to achieve by doing this. Will just sending it be enough? I doubt it. At the very least you will wnat to know he's read it. That will require him to respond.

What if he doesn't care and is actually very pleased you got in touch and as other posters have said gets a perverted pleasure from the fact you still think about him?

I suspect when you say you want closure what you actually want is retribution. You want him to acknowledge and feel bad for the pain and suffering he caused you. I sincerely doubt you will EVER get that from him.

So my advice would be leave it alone.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:32

Noooo, I've been divorced from him since 1992, the injunction was in 1990 ~ the last time he assaulted me. It obviously doesn't stand now.

I have had countless sessions of counselling over the years and finished the more recent ones a few weeks ago...they don't help.

OP posts:
VoodooApocalypse · 08/06/2009 16:33

no don't open a path to him again.

Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:34

Yes, I guess retribution could be a part of it too...

OP posts:
Original poster
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 08/06/2009 16:38

He will even think I've moved abroad by the profile. He'll think I'm having a whale of a time...

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