To write a letter...

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

...to my exh1?

Tomorrow would have been our silver wedding anniversary. I don't regret not being with him, not a bit. It's just that all the abuse he put me through and I've never been able to tell him how he made me feel etc. I spent years having bad dreams and being very afraid of him in case he somehow found me.

He beat me, sexually abused me, emotionally abused me ~ the whole kit and caboodle for 6+ years before I found the courage to put an end to it.
Well, through FB of course, I can send him a message can't I?

Would I be unreasonable to do it? I have not seen or heard from him for about 15 years, but it/he niggles me often and I wondered if this might be a way of finally putting it all to rest.

You can't change the past, only how you deal with it. The only thing you can influence is how you live your life from here onwards. Dwell on the past or face the future and accept that the past is just that, dead and buried. Of course these are just words on a page, it takes effort every day to live by them.

Until you let go of the need for him to acknowledge that he did wrong by you and/or the need to punish him, he will always haunt you.

Solo, what you are writing suggests to me that this issue goes far deeper than being about this particular man.

In other words I don't think he is the answer.

I don't want to ask about your experiences as a child with perhaps a father you were very angry with..in case I am barking up the wrong tree, but iyswim it sounds like he was a symptom, or someone who represented someone/something else you might have been rightfully angry about.

Leave him alone now - it's asking for trouble really.

what do you care what he thinks?

SOLO, I really doubt he'll care. You could be queen of England and all he'll see is that you still think about him after waht, early 20 years.

Wrong tree NationalFlight, I've always had a great relationship with my dad.

Sorry that was incredibly insensitive of me, I can't believe I just posted that. I am so sorry.

No. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you spend even a second of your life thinking about what vileness he put upon you. If you write to him, he'll instantly know that your FB profile is a sham.

Instead, can you focus on how to totally and utterly get rid of him in your head? Therapy? Counselling?

Living well is the best revenge and you're not quite there yet because the swine is still upsetting you.

I know...I know you are probably all right, but I can't shift this feeling I have. He and subsequent relationships have wrecked my life...but they all seem to have started with him iyswim?

NationalFlight, it's fine

Thanks Solo, I would make a shit counsellor

WW, yes he is still upsetting me and all the counselling and therapy in the world won't rid me of these feelings.

I do wish I was 'living well', but I'm not really. I've chosen the wrong men throughout my life and he seems to have been a catalyst in that and I now seem to have a crap existance.

If you've been separated for nearly 20 years and you're writing to him because it marks what would have been a silver anniversary, it just sends the loud and clear message that you think about him and that he matters.

Why give this awful man the teeniest feeling of power?

But you could've been right, just not this time!

Well, it sounds like you really enjoy thinking about the possibility of your ex seeing how great your life is now without him-so I think go ahead and put whatever on FB-he'll probably see it eventually. Is he on FB-have you looked him up? But as for any letter to him-def write it and then burn it!!! The greatest allure of the great looking woman with fantastic life on FB is that you aren't available to him!

Nancy, it's just the significance of the date really. He would possibly be hurt a little by the realisation that he no longer 'has' me.

just be relieved that you no longer 'have' him...

Yes, TubOf, I think you are right.

Yes, he is on FB. And I'm certainly not available to him. and I've been lucky enough to keep my looks/youthful look...the times he told me I was fat and ugly with my size 10 body...it all feels so recent.

Absolutely Nancy, it's just the whole memory thing. I still have them.

Solo, whatever message you think you will be sending him, I guarantee he will receive it differently.

If he had become human over the years, he would have found a way to apologise to you.

Yes, I guess so AS.

I know - must be awful. I'm sorry.

why don't you mark the day by doing something amazing for you that you would never have been allowed to do while you were with him? Go out and have a bottle of champagne or go for a picnic or go and get a massage - you deserve it.

I wish I had the money to treat myself. It's a nice idea though! perhaps I'll do that in 5 years time when(hopefully)I'm sorted financially. I'm not sure he will have been eradicated from my memory by then sadly

Solo, I think the best revenge you can get is to use the date as a catalyst to start working towards that amazing life you want.
You are putting work and imagination into creating a fake life on fb when you need to be putting that energy into making those things happen.
You mention having a whale of a timeliving abroad; is this something you actually want to achieve?
I am no expert in turning lives round and going for things but there are people out there that are, and a lot of MNers that have done it.
From your posts I feel like you need to believe you have a wonderful life, you are far more important than him.
I wish you much luck.

Thanks Jackstini. Yes, I'd love to do that, but don't think there's much chance of it TBH.
Yes, perhaps I'll try to start my diet in earnest tomorrow. Try to sort out my house, sell my stuff in order to sort out my flagging bank account etc...yes! good idea There's a great deal of sorting to be done! shame we can't remove memories isn't it?

Thanks ladies!