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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

- to be SERIOUSLY thinking of splitting with DH because of his parents?

41 replies

cheekster · 08/06/2009 00:54

This is not a wind up either ...

I have just totally had enough!

I cant go into all the details, but the inlaws are pretty dreadful, infact no - they are awful.

Lets just say, it all started when I was pg with DS. Because I had miscarried before, when we told them I was pg again - their reply was "Well, were not getting our hopes up again this time, because you will probably miscarry again"

TBH, I could cope with having awful inlaws, as I know that there are worse.

But what I cant cope with is DH, always siding with them. They are always right in his eyes. I just cannot cope with it anymore. I feel like I am the worst mother in the world, as the IL's always find something to pick me up on and DH always agrees. It is driving me insane.

I have explained numerous times to DH, how I feel and it just ends up with him still siding with his parents.

The thing is, other than this weird relationship with his parents (he phones them everyday and visits every other day)and the way he always sides with them and makes me feel like crap - My DH, is indeed a Darling. He is a fantastic father too.

But, I seriously cannot go on like this. I hoped he would change, or maybe I would learn to live with it, but 10 years later, he is worse than ever and I just cannot continue like this.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LovelyDear · 08/06/2009 01:02

v tricky. if you issued an ultimatum - either we reduce contact or i'm out - what would he say? I don't think yabu but things have to be totally desperately unliveable with before it helps to split a family up (as i'm sure you know.)

skidoodle · 08/06/2009 01:02

No yanbu

Get to counselling to sort this. Many marriages founder on this particular rock.

Original poster

cheekster · 08/06/2009 01:09

Thank you for your comments, I know, I would never want DS to have to share his time with mum and dad because they are split up.

I know for definite, he would choose his parents over me, if I gave him ultimatum. Thats why I never have.

The thing is, deep down, I know I am a good mum, my mum and sister who are a health visitor and childminder have told me I am fab and to ignore the comments. But after all those comments, I just feel so low.

OP posts:

JenniPenni · 08/06/2009 01:30

It seems he has never been able to cut ties with them. Never grown up. Is he afraid of them? Is he afraid to stand up to them in your defense? Seems so. I would recommend a marriage counsellor for sure - his priority and loyalty should be to you and your children BEFORE his parents.

I do hope you manage to sort this out together ((hug))

blinks · 08/06/2009 01:33

what kind of conversations have you had about this before?

thirtypence · 08/06/2009 01:37

How close are his parents to death?

In age I mean - not how keen are you to speed the process?

steviesgirl · 08/06/2009 01:41

If he loves you that much, he should put your feelings first, not their's.

Maybe he's scared of them, and doesn't want to upset them. I think you should talk this through with him and work something out. If he's a good dh and father then you can't just fall at the first hurdle. I believe that marriage is something to be worked at rather than just petering out of.

Don't be another divorce statistic just because not everything is perfect in your marriage. Who does have a perfect marriage fgs?

jabberwocky · 08/06/2009 01:58

If everything else is good I think you need to find some way to work through this. If your dh will not go to counseling with you then I think it would be good for you to go to learn how to deal with them. It's always easier said than done to "just let it roll off of you" but that may be what you have to learn to do. A few effective comebacks for starters such as "Well, everyone has their own opinion" and then just refusing to engage. I always loved the line from Point of No Return where Anne Bancroft gives Bridget Fonda this advice and suggests to "give a little smile and say something offhand like 'Well, I never did worry about the little things'.

jabberwocky · 08/06/2009 01:58

lol at thirtypence

mumblechum · 08/06/2009 05:14

Move away? It's always a matter of principle to us to live a minimum of 200 miles away from either set of parents

Original poster

cheekster · 08/06/2009 10:11

Thank you all for your kind words.

Not sure what he'd say about councelling as he doesnt see there is a problem. In his eyes, the only problem is me being jelous of his parents.

I will still suggest it though.

OP posts:

ReneRusso · 08/06/2009 10:22

YANBU. Used to be a problem for me and DH. I confess I used to side with my mum as she is a very overpowering dominant character. Are the parents like that? Could be a power struggle over who "owns" him.
But he needs to move on, sounds like he has never left home emotionally. Is he unable to stand up to them at all? You need to start by really getting through to him how he is making you feel with several concrete examples. Write them all down if that's easier. If he realises how seriously you feel about it, he might agree to counselling.

Greensleeves · 08/06/2009 10:26

the fact that he claims not to see a problem - other than your "jealousy" would drive me mad. Of course he can see it, he's not an idiot - he's being a lazy ostrich and sticking his head in the sand in the hope that you will just learn to suck it up, as he has.

He might "see the problem" if you tell him - calmly - that you are really considering ending the marriage because you can't tolerate it any more. It's not his parents' behaviour that's intolerable, lots of people have horrible inlaws and survive it - it's HIS behaviour that's causing your marriage to falter. He's being disloyal, unsupportive and idle. He needs a kick up the arse.

slowreadingprogress · 08/06/2009 10:29

part of the problem could be your perception

you call it a 'weird' relationship for him to call them every day; well I have that with my parents, and so do an awful lot of people! Many would not see that as weird at all.

He certainly shouldn't agree with them that you are crap though! Clearly there is a problem, all I'm saying is that maybe you could re-think that not ALL of his relationship with them is a problem?

What has he said to you when you've told him how his siding with them makes you feel?

CarGirl · 08/06/2009 10:33

It sounds like he hasn't done the "leave & cleave" bit.

I would insist on relate, perhaps you need to proposition it so that you can deal "with the jealousy you have towards his parents".

How do his parents react if you challenge what they say to you? ie you say "Why are you criticising me, that is very unkind & unfair thing to say?"

fucksticks · 08/06/2009 10:34

Could you get him to agree to counselling in the first place by explaining to him that the fact that you are very very unhappy and considering leaving is the reason you want counselling.
You see the problem as his parents having such a hold over him, he see's the problem as you being jealous of his parents.
If he is THAT sure of himself then challenge him to go to counselling to prove he is right and 'help you get over your jealousy'
Once in the counselling sessions it will soon come to light that you are not in fact jealous and that the problem lies with him!
Try to keep a record in the mean time of all the little incidences, how they make you feel, how you mention them to DH, what his response is and how that makes you feel.

CarGirl · 08/06/2009 10:35

If he has grown up with critical parents it's unlikely that he can see them as being critical because to him that is normal.

Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 10:36

can't you cut the inlaws out of your life - he can carry on seeing them, he can take the kids but you won't be party to it and won't have any further contact?

nisha003 · 08/06/2009 10:36

Reading your note, gave me a bit of a shock. I had a similar situation with my husband.

It was freaky-he would constantly call, go over and it was like he couldn't detach. And the put downs from the mother in law were shocking that they ate away at my soul.

Its hard to advise on what to do, especially if you still love the person you are with.

But I can chat to you forever about this...

muffle · 08/06/2009 10:40

I had a very serious relationship (was engaged) which ended partly because of his parents - luckily there were no DC. I know exactly how you feel with all the criticism and undermining, it's miserable. After we broke up my ex asked me to go back to him a few months later and although I loved him I just couldn't - his parents were the deciding factor, and I think only then did it sink in with him what they were like. He told me later that he had told them that they were the reason he couldn't have me back! (which was v satisfying I can tell you - don't know if it changed their behaviour though)

I think you need to tell him calmly that you actually, literally can't take it any more, and have even considered leaving because you find it so unbearable - even though you love him and everything else is fine, so that's how upset you are. You could suggest going to relate as a counsellor may help him to look at his relationship with them and understand why he sides with them instead of you. If he refuses, still go on your own as this will put you in a stronger position re understanding what's going on and keeping an emotional distance.

Also stand up to them yourself - you can say things like "that was a hurtful thing to say, I don't know why you feel the need to be like that but I would like you to apologise and if you don't I am going to leave and hope you can behave better next time" - in a reasonable, calm way, not angry or crying, if you can manage it. Treat the three of them like toddlers - with firm, simple, consistent boundaries that show them exactly what is unreasonable, and always point out when they are being rude or undermining - otherwise you are basically accepting it and all the anger and frustration puts stress on you.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 08/06/2009 10:42

Seeing parents regularly etc isn't in itself weird - I would say that as DH and I both call our parents most days and see them a couple of times a week at least. Very handy with childcare!

However, we both put each other first and are each others first priorities. The fact that your DH doesn't do this is the problem...

What does he say when you challenge him on his supporting his parents views over yours? How does he get - defensive angry what?

chipmonkey · 08/06/2009 11:31

I always think of the MIL in Madame Bovary who says., as she is leaving "You love her more than me and that's as it should be"

My dh always sides with me and sticks up for me in any disagreement between MIL and me.Allowing then to put you down is disloyal to you.

Singstar · 08/06/2009 11:41

I completely agree with Muffle - my dh and I have had a similar situation for that last 8yrs and no amount of crying/shouting/screaming/bitching (on my part) has made any difference. It is only recently that I have started saying something directly to them when they say something nasty and undermining that has had any effect.
I think dh was so shocked that I would respond to their comments and not let them get away with it that it kind of embarrased him into having a reaction. I don't shout at them just ask very calmy 'why did you say that' or 'what exactly did you mean'. Its embarrassed them into explaining their nastiness and made everyone feel so awkward that they've definitely cut down on doing on it.
Sadly though, I think you'll have to accept you're on your own on this and expecting him to stand up for you is maybe a bit futile. Force him into a decision - you'll probably be surprised who he sides with. Good luck

Upwind · 08/06/2009 11:52

YANBU - insist on counselling to save your marriage. To echo greensleeves, the problem is not really his parents, HE is "being disloyal, unsupportive and idle".

katiestar · 08/06/2009 12:01

YANBU in that he should side with you rather than them .That is very disloyal-he needs to grow a pair !
YABU when you say it is weird to phone his poarents every day and visit every other day.

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