- to be SERIOUSLY thinking of splitting with DH because of his parents?

[cheekster]

This is not a wind up either ...

I have just totally had enough!

I cant go into all the details, but the inlaws are pretty dreadful, infact no - they are awful.

Lets just say, it all started when I was pg with DS. Because I had miscarried before, when we told them I was pg again - their reply was "Well, were not getting our hopes up again this time, because you will probably miscarry again"

TBH, I could cope with having awful inlaws, as I know that there are worse.

But what I cant cope with is DH, always siding with them. They are always right in his eyes. I just cannot cope with it anymore. I feel like I am the worst mother in the world, as the IL's always find something to pick me up on and DH always agrees. It is driving me insane.

I have explained numerous times to DH, how I feel and it just ends up with him still siding with his parents.

The thing is, other than this weird relationship with his parents (he phones them everyday and visits every other day)and the way he always sides with them and makes me feel like crap - My DH, is indeed a Darling. He is a fantastic father too.

But, I seriously cannot go on like this. I hoped he would change, or maybe I would learn to live with it, but 10 years later, he is worse than ever and I just cannot continue like this.

AIBU?

I think he has a big problem with not putting the OP first, but I think parents can really be at fault too. I'm constantly amazed by some of the appalling behaviour from PILs I hear about on here, and my ex's parents were shocking too. These PILs are behaving unacceptably and they should be told.

YANBU. Can you not just ignore his parents and have no contact with them, don't invite them over to your house and don't visit them? It would be ignoring them but if it makes your life easier, then why not??

My OH is a bit like this but not to that degree which you have described. I agree with others, get in touch with counselling to help resolve your issues. Be blunt with your H about why you are unhappy.

My ugly MIL once told P "If I die I don't want you to kill yourself"!! Some parents teach their child that they are the be all and end all, would your man really choose them over you? I don't speak to MIL, why would he top himself over a shrivelled up old bastard like that when he has 2 lovely sons. It was just her way of pulling the strings. If you did leave, he'd probably realise what he should have known all along.

The PIL are behaving dreadfully, of course. But that is not the OP's real problem.

Tbh I think it's impossible to say who is really in the wrong as you haven't given any examples of what they're supposed to have said/done. Nastyness/criticism can be very subjective, and what to one is really nasty vile behavior is just annoying to someone else iyswim.

Firstly, you say that your dh and his parents have a weird relationship because they speak to each other every day. If you've said that to your dh then tbh I can see why he thinks you are jealous. It's not weird to have that kind of relationship with one's parents. Lots of women have that kind of relationship with their mothers, it just seems that if men have the same it's not seen as acceptable.

Secondly, You say things only really started to go wrong when you fell pregnant with your ds. Is it possible that things just changed because there were now grandchildren on the scene? It's not uncommon for relationships between ILs/parents to change with the arrival of a baby into the family. Because the focus seems to change, and also the ILs/parents watch the new parents bringing up the baby in a way that is often different from the way they brought up their own children, and this can often provoke comments which can be interpreted as criticism.

What exactly have they criticised? And how? Is it really genuine nastyness/criticism or is it just that they did things differently and are feeling the need to put that across, and as their child, your dh doesn't see it as wrong because that was how he was brought up?

YANBU. I can totally relate. Please go for counselling, I can see how this can tear a couple apart. DH was like this with his parents, I would have left him by now if it was not for the fact that they both died a few years ago (I didn't have anything to do with it by the way). His sister expertly stepped in to the role vacated by his parents (it was better with them actually), giving me even more misery than them, but now she's out of the country and can't get in due to something illegal she did (I know you're seeing a pattern here but I didn't have anything to do with that either). We haven't had a major argument since she's been out of the picture.

I wish you luck OP.

it's hard to know if it is just you being jealous from what you have said to be honest.

Famillies can be very different and for some it is not unusual to see eachotehr every day or other day so this alone would not be enough for me to think you were being reasonable in your need to split.

The miscarriage thing was insensitive but people often say insensitive things and the normal thing would be to let it go unless they continually make these kinds of comments.

Personally I think going on the details you have given YABU.

Every single major argument DH and I have had in 8 years of marriage has been about his parents and family. VERY difficult and rude people. Especially the father, a nasty emotionally abusive man. My mum was horrified when she met them... so worried about what I was getting myself into and that DH would turn out like his dad!

I would not have married him if I had those doubts myself. He is the antithesis of him thankfully. But does tolerate more of their behaviour than I do. I have learnt just to keep quiet. It DOES help they're about 6000 miles away too... has been the best thing we ever did for our marriage... moving away. They werent the main reason, but they played a heavy part in it.

A few people have asked what other comments have been made by PIL's towards me as

well, the latest ones

1. That I shouldnt trust my mum to take care of DS while Im at work because she doesnt watch them properly

1. That I dont care about DS and am too self centred as I have gone back to work part time.

1. That Im an unfit mother because of my weight (Im a size 14) - they are both super skinny!

And, yes! DH agrees with all of these comments( not no 3 thankfully, but he didnt say anything to them when they said that to me). Not wholy agrees, but he explains that he knows where they are coming from e.g. they are old fashioned, in their time mums stayed at home.

Can I jut say, those comments are what have been said in the last month or so

Please dont say its me BU!

am very angry on your behalf

how dare your dh agree, or even stay silent after those comments?

what did you say?

I completely agree that your PILs are being rude, insensitive and frankly horrid. However please recognise that your dh has been conditioned by them to accept they are right etc etc etc he is incapable of seeing it from your point of view at the moment.

I would issue the ultimatum "we're going to relate or else", somebody impartial pointing on to him how critical they are being is the best way forward I should think.

I wish you all the best.

your in laws do sound horrible, and I'm sure your husband's lack of response/tacit agreement with them must be fuelling your respect for him diminishing. i would say do something before you totally despise him.

The only person's behaviour you can change is your own.
So I would immediately stop taking any nonsense from them. Start standing up for yourself and believing in yourself. Your husband will soon follow.

Muffle's post give excellent advice on what to say to them, do follow it and come back and tell us what happened

OP - You have my sympathies. I was in the same position and did split with DH (we are back together now and have been for 6 years). I stuck to my guns and DH realised what he would be losing, ever since our relationship has got stronger and we have had 2 more DC. I know I could not have lived like that. His parents still wind me up but I feel like my DH supports me now. Good luck!

Holy moly cheekster! They say this stuff to your face? And your DH just sits there drinking tea and eating cakes? (I made that last bit up but it seems to fit).

If I were in your shoes I would say to DH, look your parents keep really upsetting me, I'm not going to see them any more except big occasions. You and DS go (I'm sure they are nice to DS!) but I'm not.

I know it's not tackling any roots of thee problem, but i suspect your DH isn't going to chnage, and it might be easier just to stop the problem arising.

Earlier I said that DH and I both see a lot of our parents - but not at the same time. I see mine with DD and he sees his with DD. The idea of spending too much time with in=laws makes us both a bit twitchy

Yours do sound particularly horrible though.