to be dreading my mother in law visiting...AGAIN!!! Its her baby apparently?!?!?!

[Madmama33]

Right, I've tried venting my frustration to my husband - but as its his mother i am moaning about, its not going down too well!!!!

She honestly is THE most interfering annoying person on the planet! I do love her dearly tho!!!!!!

My baby boy is 1 month old...born early...so very small......but doing very very well (touch wood).

The M.I.L (mother in law) from hell is really making my life a misery at the moment...she is constantly visiting (understandable) but refers to my son as "her baby" and is really really pushy when giving her pearls of wisdom regarding childcare!!!! n.b. I used to be a Nursery Nurse!

I've said that I want to feed him room temp milk (he's bottle fed as my milk was near on non existent)......but she insists on warming up the bottles when she feeds him!!!! She reckons warm milk stops colic....ummm, no...babies get colic regardless!!!!!

She phones at least 4 times a day and wants us to put the phone to the baby so she can hear his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the?!?!?!?!

She insists on swaddling him even tho I've asked her not to do it for fear of overheating!!!!

She keeps taking his dummy out of his mouth when I've said that its advisable these days to give babies dummies...

What I should explain is that I've had experience of a baby passing away due to cot death (not my own but a friend) and so I am a little paranoid about the do's and don'ts!

When she arrives its very much like I am pushed out......most of the pictures she has taken are of the baby, her son, and her relatives....I am hardly ever in them.....its like I don't really exist anymore!!!

My husband isn't very hands on in terms of feeding and changing..cuddles are no problem...I've spoken to her about it and she constantly makes excuses for him!!!! There is no excuse, its his son!!!! She cannot accept that her son is less than perfect! I'm the one in the wrong!

I tell her things that the baby has done during the day - and she then asks my husband about it again - as if I'm not telling the truth!!!!!!!!!!

There is a culture issue between us and she insists that my son will be bought up as her religion!!!! I don't want him to be any religion unless he wants to be!!!! Now I am being bombarded with plans for religious ceremonies and traditions that I don't understand and to be honest, don't really want to participate in! I am not a religious person and have never been...this was always respected before...now my opinions don't seem to count!

Thing is, I know in her own way she is only trying to help and be supportive so I don't want to have a go.....I've tried approaching my husband...but obviously, its his mum and he gets defensive......

She and I used to have a really good relationship and she was NEVER pushy before the baby arrived....now she's turned into something completely different!!!!!

Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar?? I'm finding I'm not able to count to 10 anymore!!!

Am I just being a touchy new mum? Please someone give me some advice...be honest and tell me if I'm just being a cow!!!!!

I'm not sure how to handle this one!!!

Can you arrange for her next visit to coincide when you have your midwife/health visitor around. Prime the MW/HV and perhaps a few tactful comments from them might do the trick (especially if you're out of the room).

I can empathise with the too warm for sleeping issue - my MiL must think that we're trying to kill ds through hyperthermia. He was in grobags when younger - if MiL put him to bed he would be in his growbag fine - then she would root around in his wardrobe and find a blanket (or two ) to tuck over the top. This was EVEN if I had specificially said just his growbag. This has only recently stopped (ds4) as I gave up on the hints, direct instructions as to what his bedclothes were, and said directly too her 'He only has x bedding because if he has anymore he is too hot - he does not need any more bedding' Finally we appear to have got through!!!

See, this thread just reminds me why i love my MIL.... she's been dead 30 years...

mistlethrush - my MIL used to do the blankets over the grobag thing too! Drove me crackers.

YANBU - sounds horrible to have to deal with, especially if your dp can't really see the issue.

One thing that can be useful if you find your MIL talking about HER baby is to turn everything around so that you really are talking about HER baby - ie your DP.

So, for example, if she says 'Isn't my baby beautiful', you would say something along the lines of 'Oh I don't know, I think that DP is old enough to be called handsome these days but I guess that even after (insert DP's age!) all mother's are allowed to be biased. I wonder if I will still be calling MY baby handsome when he is as old as DP?'

Or, if she goes on about milk temperature for her baby - especially if your dp is in the room - just say 'well let's ask him - dp how do you like your milk these days?'

Or if she comes in with a little outfit for her baby, say 'thank you but I think it is a bit small for dp don't you? DP, do you mind if the outfit your mum has brought for you we give to our baby as I think it will fit him better...'

and so on - get dp in on the act and anyone else around, turn it all into a big joke so that hopefully it comes off as funny rather than nasty (sounds like you want to get on with your MIL eventually).

There are several other things that I have found helpful:

MIL bingo - in advance, guess what she is going to say, and mentally check them off your list or even write them down in advance then cross them off as she says them. Promise yourself a little treat based on the number you get right - eg:
1- just a square of choc
2-3 bar of choc
4-6 glass of wine
7-9 bottle of wine (you'll need it at this rate!
10+ shopping trip for that really nice handbag / outfit / whatever treat thingy that you have always wanted

You might even find yourself willing her to say something so that you get to the next level treat!

You also sound like you could play a good variant on this by having a MIL Phone Sweepstake and guessing at what time (to the nearest minute/five mins/15 mins etc) you think she will ring up, again easy to set up a simple but effective treat/reward system as above

with all of these, working out what she is likely to say/do is key, and then working out what you want to say back to her. Practice it in your head so that when she does say something, you have got a response lined up, rather than getting annoyed with yourself because you can't think of anything to say at the time, always easier to think of something afterwards. Sometimes you might even have to work through a mini conversation with MIL in your head - or several versions of it - so that you can steer the conversation in the right direction.

good luck!

Zipzap- may I award you the Order Of The Chill

Great suggestions!

What fun ZipZap

MIL bingo - classic! made me chortle.

YANBU at all OP. Take some of the great advice on here and i hope it sorts out for you.

Let us know how you are getting on?

Very funny zipzap

At the end of the day your baby is YOURS. There is a lot of interference from well meaning relatives and friends... my sister even feels the need to tell me what I should do with the kids I childmind - erm... my mindees are far better behaved than hers by a long shot! I am obviously doing something right

I wouldn't talk about DP to MIL in any way but positively, EVER. This only gives MIL ammunition.

If you want to chat to MIL about her interfering ways (which she'll probably refute anyway), DP needs to be there too... this mustn't become an issue btwn you and her... it's btwn her and you, DP and baby.

I wish you luck in getting up the courage to stand up for yourself, your baby, your home! DP needs to do the same though.

Goodness me! i think you win the prize for most interfering MIL.

The posters who say, you have to try to get her to back off now, before it gets even worse, are right, which you probably know anyway! Its just how to do it.

Maybe try by starting off saying something like # i know how much you love dgs and want to help, and I appreciate you wanting to. It would help me if you let me find my own way and give me time and space to be his mum # and definitely have your dp there to back you up. Rehearse it with him first and ask him to support you, otherwise she will take over.

BTW would def stop answering phone so often and def say no to putting phone to his ear. Get call screening and if she complains you did not answer, say you were changing his nappy or something.

You've come to the right place for MIL bashing!!!!!

One quick question though...what religon does DH want his child to be?

What amazes me is that you are full of vitriol for a MIL that admitedly is overbearing but quite obviously loves your child and yet your DH who is the one who could manage this whole situation is let off the hook...