to be dreading my mother in law visiting...AGAIN!!! Its her baby apparently?!?!?!

[Madmama33]

Right, I've tried venting my frustration to my husband - but as its his mother i am moaning about, its not going down too well!!!!

She honestly is THE most interfering annoying person on the planet! I do love her dearly tho!!!!!!

My baby boy is 1 month old...born early...so very small......but doing very very well (touch wood).

The M.I.L (mother in law) from hell is really making my life a misery at the moment...she is constantly visiting (understandable) but refers to my son as "her baby" and is really really pushy when giving her pearls of wisdom regarding childcare!!!! n.b. I used to be a Nursery Nurse!

I've said that I want to feed him room temp milk (he's bottle fed as my milk was near on non existent)......but she insists on warming up the bottles when she feeds him!!!! She reckons warm milk stops colic....ummm, no...babies get colic regardless!!!!!

She phones at least 4 times a day and wants us to put the phone to the baby so she can hear his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the?!?!?!?!

She insists on swaddling him even tho I've asked her not to do it for fear of overheating!!!!

She keeps taking his dummy out of his mouth when I've said that its advisable these days to give babies dummies...

What I should explain is that I've had experience of a baby passing away due to cot death (not my own but a friend) and so I am a little paranoid about the do's and don'ts!

When she arrives its very much like I am pushed out......most of the pictures she has taken are of the baby, her son, and her relatives....I am hardly ever in them.....its like I don't really exist anymore!!!

My husband isn't very hands on in terms of feeding and changing..cuddles are no problem...I've spoken to her about it and she constantly makes excuses for him!!!! There is no excuse, its his son!!!! She cannot accept that her son is less than perfect! I'm the one in the wrong!

I tell her things that the baby has done during the day - and she then asks my husband about it again - as if I'm not telling the truth!!!!!!!!!!

There is a culture issue between us and she insists that my son will be bought up as her religion!!!! I don't want him to be any religion unless he wants to be!!!! Now I am being bombarded with plans for religious ceremonies and traditions that I don't understand and to be honest, don't really want to participate in! I am not a religious person and have never been...this was always respected before...now my opinions don't seem to count!

Thing is, I know in her own way she is only trying to help and be supportive so I don't want to have a go.....I've tried approaching my husband...but obviously, its his mum and he gets defensive......

She and I used to have a really good relationship and she was NEVER pushy before the baby arrived....now she's turned into something completely different!!!!!

Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar?? I'm finding I'm not able to count to 10 anymore!!!

Am I just being a touchy new mum? Please someone give me some advice...be honest and tell me if I'm just being a cow!!!!!

I'm not sure how to handle this one!!!

yanbu, You need to set her straight about the "your baby your rules" and at the same time remind her that you were a nursey nurse and do know what you are doing/talking about. Tell her that you don't want it to spoil your relationship and that if things continue as they are that is exactly what is going to happen, hence why you feel the need to speak up now. As for the religion thing, it would depend on what her religion is.

just reread my last post and the religion bit sounds a bit abrupt, its just that I am happy for others to believe what they want but don't want my children to be brought up in any religion.

why would it depend on what her religion is?!!

if the OP doesn't want her child brought up religious then end of, doesn't depend on the religion at all!

OP, you have my every sympathy - my MIL interferes constantly with everything I do, is always undermining me and refers to DS as "100% [her family]" as if I was just the brood mare and my input had nothing to do with DS at all.

Drives me insane, and I haven't really managed to tackle it yet .

DS is one and DC2 is due on October.

Lol, kitkat, crossed posts!

sbmp

I was just about to start a big argument and you totally took the wind out of my sails!

Sounds like you need caller ID... Screening is definitely the way forward. You can always say you were in the garden.

There's no point saying anything negative about your DH to your MIL, so I'd give up that battle.

But things like the swaddling and the dummy are power issues, so just keep saying no.

How old's your baby?

I definatly agree to be firm and stand your groung NOW rather than later because it WILL get worse and you WILL get to a boiling point where it all comes out in the end.

I had this with step mil. She has undermined me over the last two years with dd. It's only afer i had ds 5 months ago that things got to breaking point and step mil and i have fallen out.

So please just nip it in thr bud now for your own sanity!

YNBU however in a way he is her bay, well her baby's baby! Yes highly irritating but not that big a deal, your son will always know you're his mum as will everyone else - I think there;s better things to get worked up over.

Her calling 4 times a day - why do people think that just because the phone rings you have to answer it, if you really feel you can't leave it - unplug it, the phone is there for your convenience not everyone elses.

Of course she may just turn up unannounced - put a sign on the door saying new mum and baby sleeping, thats for coming for a visit but please come back later, if she insists on knocking you can ignore it or answer it and ask her to come back later as you were sleeping (personally I'd go for not answering)

When she feeds your son - give her the bottle of milk, if she goes to warm it up just tell her no, he has it at room temperature. And keep repeating yourself.

The religeon thing - if you're really anti her religeon then this is where you need to stand up to her and say thats great for you but its not what we want for our son, we will let him make up his own mind when he;'s older - thank you so much for your offer to arrange christening (or whatever other traditional ceremony she has planned) but we won;t be doing that - clear, concise and deffinite that you're not doing it. If she raises the issue again just say, we've already told you we're not doing that. Don;t let her think that you are going along with it. Of course how does your DH feel about the religeous/traddition stuff - he may actually want it.

Don;t slag off her son to her - of course she's going to get defensive, how will you feel if your DIL slated your baby to you in a few years time!

With your DH word how you talk about his mum in a more psoitive pay ie you really appreciate all her helop and advice but its making you feel inadequate and you need him to back you up on things like the milk and swaddling etc (not sure that swaddling does cause overheating, my 2 loved it, made them feel secure).

With regards to any advice she gives you some of it may be valuable, don;t dismiss her just because shes irritating you at the moment. She can't be all bad - she raised your DH after all. Try and find a way to work with her - she loves your son and could be a great asset to you if you handle her properly.

Don;t forget that you will be a MIL one day and will want to see your GC in the same way she does.

Also don;t forget you're likely to be quite hormonal and knackered at the moment, making you a little more sensitive that you maybe would be usually.

I don't agree with the people saying don't involve your DH. The decisions are about your (i.e. both your) DD and so you need to present a united front, or else she'll just go straight to your DH who will let her do whatever she wants. He's not a child, doesn't need protecting.

good timing then I now have an image of you with sails. I am really lucky that I have an amazing MIL, she's lovely, she can move in tomorrow if she wants . Its my own mum that drives me nuts. Its taken me a very long time to actualy tell her what is upsetting me about the things that she does / says / arbitrarily decides to/for my dc.

I have left it way to long ( my oldest is 5). Our relationship will never be the same but at least we can communicate now - if it had been left any longer I think our relationship would have been over.

I think also that its not until we ourselves have children that our parents / pil are forced to view us as being "on a level" with them iykwim, in a kind of until you have children you still are one. I think it can be hard for the previous generation if you like to know how to deal with the change when a "child" becomes a mother herself.

Still wish i'd tackled my mum sooner, things are so much better now.

MIL is such a diamond tho - her mil ( she tells me) was an interfering bagage and drove her nuts, so I guess there is hope for us too.

I bloody well hope I don't ever treat either my children or my grandchildren the way my MIL has done.
Someone shoot me first, please

I agree with Bucharest

I would go out more or put the phone on answer machine. Why is she feeding your baby? Fair enough if you're out and she's babysitting, I don't think it makes much difference if milk room temp or tepid and if she's babysitting I wouldn't fight about it. If you are there though I'd just feed your baby yourself and tell her no, it's important for baby to bond with mum if she asks.
Your child's religion is between you and your husband. It sounds as though you have to start standing up to her. I'd also ask her to ring less often, and tell her you're feeling a bit smothered by her attention and you know she means well but can she ease back a bit and give you more time with your baby as you feel she doesn't trust you to look after your baby.
Some of this may be better coming from your husband though so I'd get him on side. I'd stop her feeding baby though.

If the dummy thing is because of SIDS, they only reduce the risk of a baby who normally has one (as opposed to having it at taking it away at night) - the risk is not lower than for a baby who has never had a dummy.

Oh and re your husband not being hands on re changing and feeding, that's your problem to sort out, not hers. Just give him the baby when he needs changing and say "your turn" if he looks clueless I'd offer to give him a demo but be firm with him that it's his baby too and he's got to do some of the work. You sound as though you're needing a bit of assertiveness training.

Although it is too much now it may drop off with time and there will be a time when you appreciate her involvement. I would love my MIL to show any hands on involvement. She expects us to present the children every few weeks, but has never helped out or done anything practical. DD1 is 7 now, and she still wont have her to stay or be left with her, let alone the other 2. I would love her to be more involved then I could take advantage and leave dds with her and finally, after 7 years, go for a meal or have a break!

Is your MIL from a different culture to you as well as being of a different religion?

I only ask as what you describe sounds pretty normal for the family life of some of the Asian friends I know.

Your DH standing up for you against his mother in a culture that gives the older generation total respect is very unlikely.

This may be a classic case of the arrival of a baby exposing the huge gaps in cross cultural understanding over what "good parenting" or "good grandparents" do or don't do.

AFAIK babies in some families from other cultures are brought up and even named on the instruction of the grandmother. This could be why your husband may not be able to understand what is going on and why you are upset - he and his mother share a background culture. And often families live with each other too so seeing her grandchild 4X a week may well appear very little contact to your MIL.

I suppose you need to be brave and set some limits for your MIL.

Unplug the phone. If she does phone pass her straight to her son. Be pleasant and go out a lot!

The religious traditions you need to discuss with your DH. If HE has found that having a child has awakened his need to make links with his cultural traditions then discuss what they are and why. Give your point of view and see if there is a compromise you can reach.

Good luck.

The point about the swaddling, dummies, milk etc is not the detail about whether or not it prevents SIDS,or the difference between room temp and warmed - the point is that the MIL is deliberately going against the OP's wishes. And why?! What is it to her if OP wants the milk at room temp?! Why does she feel the need to do deliberately what she asks her not to?!

I can relate to this as my own MIL deliberately does things I ask her not to do and always has done. FOr example, when DS was very small, just starting to eat finger foods, she would do things like give him whole grapes when I had asked her not to - and think it was hilarious. She would tell other family members about it too.

The only comfort I take is that I am learning things NOT to do when I become a MIL myself!!!

You poor thing OP I know exactly how you feel as my MIL turned into someone I didn't recognise when I had my DD. She also referred to her as 'my baby' which REALLY got to me and I felt very pushed out by her. I never entered into a confrontation with her but just kept doing things MY way, (she also kept on trying to swaddle DD, I just UN swaddled her etc) and I also lost count of the things that were done differently in HER day. All I can say is that 17 months down the line and things have calmed down, she adores my DD and I am extremely grateful now for all the help I get from her. I think that for some Grandmas the arrival of a PFB is almost as overwhelming for them as it is for us and it takes time for them to get their heads round it too. All that being said you ARE your dc's mummy and what YOU say has to go. I would be inclined to let the dust settle a bit and not be drawn into conversations about religion etc, and lastly, SCREEN YOUR CALLS. You can always say you were having a nap if she questions why you didn't answer. Good luck

YANBU. She sounds like a complete nightmare.

yanbu.
but i agree set the boundries now.

My MIL is a bit like this (or was).

My dd likes reading - she got that from eldest SIL (not me oh no, no, no even though I am a voracious reader).

Dd has beautiful hair - she got that from youngest SIL - not me oh no, no, no, even though it is exactly the same colour and texture as mine.

Ds has my nose, hair and eyes but he looks EXACTLY like DH! and she "just can't see it" when my features are pointed out on his face.

Name choices were met with a complete turned up nose and "but why, he is not born in August" and "but that is ex SIL's sisters name you CANNOT call her that!"

It used to drive me absolutely crazy but then I figured out that as her ds was such an arsewipe to me she was always scared I would leave him so tried to lay as much claim as possible to her dgc.

I dealt with it by just smiling blankly in her general direction whenever she made a suggestion and then doing whatever I wanted anyway. It did work in the end but it took a long time. Good luck!

OMG Sunfleurs...that sounds exactly like my MIL! Everything that's good about dd is down to her family. Nothing is down to me except for the bad bits...the scowling, the quick temper, the trumping (I confess...that one is mine!).

And yesterday dd came back from a sleepover with MIL asking why nanny doesn't like me and why does she think I'm a 'shouty' mommy, when I'm not?

Ah Mils. Can't live with 'em IF ONLY you could live without 'em.

You know i can feel my bloood boiling reading this
i know how you feel

BUT a lot of grandmas are like that

Just make it clear you know she does what she wants

E.g i gave my child to my mum and someone said something about doing something with him in a way and i laughed and said 'Are you kidding this is Grandma, she does it her own way' It may make her think about what she is doing but even so the effect is minimal