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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected this woman to acknowledge me and my travelling circus on the bus?

60 replies

curlyredhead · 05/06/2009 12:14

Background: buses in our city it's either not possible to take unfolded buggies onto them, or on the ones with a disabled space there's room for one unfolded buggy in the disabled space, and if a wheelchair comes on you have to fold up the buggy. (And strictly speaking, you aren't supposed to take buggies on which can't fold up.)

So, this woman is sitting with her pram in the disabled access space, her baby is about 8 months old and wide awake. I got on with a double buggy with 1 year old twins and a walking four year old. She completely ignored me while I unpacked dts from the buggy, unpacked the bottom of it, and folded it up. I did this all on the bus, so she can't have not noticed me.

She then got off the bus about 3 stops later - so, about 3/4 mile and all downhill.

What I was really surprised at was that she didn't acknowledge me at all - if it had been me, I would at the very least have said, 'oh sorry my pram doesn't fold' - and probably have got off the bus and walked the last few stops. Or, if I was in a crazy hurry and couldn't manage to take the extra time, I'd have said that - 'really sorry, I can't afford to get off, but can I give you a hand with all your stuff / kids'

So: AIBU to have expected her to acknowledge what I was doing, and that by sitting there she was making quite a lot of work for me, or is it just normal / expected that she ignored what was happening?

OP posts:

Original poster

curlyredhead · 05/06/2009 12:17

Meant to say, her baby was in a buggy which doesn't fold up in one piece.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/06/2009 12:18

I do think YABU for thinking she should have got off the bus early!

But I think it would have been nice if she could have helped you a bit so YANBU for thinking she is a miserable cow.

AxisofEvil · 05/06/2009 12:21

I'm not entirely sure why you think you trump her. If you'd been a wheelchair user then yes, abolutely you should have priority and could bump her out. But if the space can be taken for a buggy then really it has to be first come first served.

KingCanuteIAm · 05/06/2009 12:21

Sadly she may well have been ignoring you because she was expecting a gobful about it, that kind of thing is not unusual - in fact I would almost say it is usual to find people attack you for the strangest things

ginormoboobs · 05/06/2009 12:22

YANBU.
It really bugs me when people will watch someone struggle and do nothing to help.
I fold my buggy down to get on the bus. If one of my children are sleeping I leave it up.
I have nipper 360 so even folded down the easiest place to put it is in the bay / luggage rack. You would be amazed at the amount of people who won't even move their buggy out of the way for a minute to put my folded buggy behind theirs.
It is so much fun trying to hold my buggy , my bag and 2 toddlers while standing on a moving bus

ramonaquimby · 05/06/2009 12:23

not everyone is altruistic

bit weird that you would expect her to help you out, she didn't know you - maybe she was in her own little world

kitsmummy · 05/06/2009 12:23

It might have been reasonable for someone else without children to have helped you. She had genuine need of that space, as did you, but she got there first

GentlyDidIt · 05/06/2009 12:30

I agree with kitsmummy - why should it be up to the parent who is already using the space to help you? I could understand a general "why didn't anyone on the bus help?" but even then I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, she could have been knackered, deaf, recovering from surgery... anything.

Trikken · 05/06/2009 12:46

I agree with kitsmummy too. first come first serve. you were just unlucky IMO

SomeGuy · 05/06/2009 12:53

I was a bit confused by your post, I thought I needed to have some backstory about you being in a wheelchair, but it seems you're both able-bodied with pushchairs (the fact that it is a disabled spot is irrelevant in this case therefore) but she got there first, and she's got no more obligation to help than anyone else.

YABU

SouthMum · 05/06/2009 12:57

YABabitU - she was probably embarassed and worried that if she said anything or tried to help she would get a gobful of abuse (which I believe is mandatory on public transport )

theDreadPirateRoberts · 05/06/2009 12:58

I'm going to say YABU actually. She might have been having a really hard time for some reason, and not even have noticed you consciously. Or she might have thought you were so efficient that she'd be in the way if she offered you help. Or another reason. But she was there first, and it was her right to zone out while she could...

Original poster

curlyredhead · 05/06/2009 13:01

Ok, seems most people think I ABU, good to know.

As I said, it wasn't that I was expecting her to help or move, just that if it had been me with one child I'd have been unable to just sit there watching someone with three under fives without saying, oh sorry, can I help.... but probably I am just too helpful!

(The backstory was there to explain why I didn't sit elsewhere, on other threads people have been confused because some cities have disabled spaces and pram spaces.... see, trying to be too helpful and explain before people even ask... )

OP posts:

bigstripeytiger · 05/06/2009 13:08

I agree that YABU. She has no obligation to you. You must be very altruistic to get of a bus a few stops early just to make a space for someone else.

Also, your children are all older than her baby, so to her you might appear to be less in need of help, as she has not experienced that stage herself.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/06/2009 13:09

I have three children under 5 and don't travel on th bus - partly because most services you have to consult a calendar not a timetable (I live in the sticks), and mainly because most buses are inaccssible with a buggy so I have to use the carrier and carry my shopping and hold various sticky little hands....

so frankly I am envious that you were able to board the bus at all despite the difficulties you had! I do understand your irritation but count your blessings.

mum23monkeys · 05/06/2009 13:14

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable. Fine, first come, first served, and I don't think you could really expect her to get off the bus early, but it would have been polite and empathetic to at least have offered to help. But that goes for everybody on the bus. I've struggled enough times carting my troupe around town that I now automatically give people a hand who need it. And I really appreciate it when people do the same for me.

Many of the other posters on this thread seem real meanies - would none of you have acknowledged op and just let her get on with struggling alone?

weebump · 05/06/2009 13:19

YABU. "there's room for one unfolded buggy in the disabled space" So, she had a buggy that didn't fold up, right? Where else was she going to go? You can't expect people to get off the bus to make way for you. It was inconvenient to you, I agree, but unfortunately she got there first.

As for helping you out, well she had her own baby to watch over. I would hope someone more 'able' would have helped you. Give her a break.

mum23monkeys · 05/06/2009 13:25

But nobody 'more able' did help op out. And the other woman should have had at least some idea of the hassle involved in taking a buggy on the bus. I agree she wasn't obliged to do anything, but wouldn't it have been nice if she had? Would you have just sat there?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 05/06/2009 13:26

I think YABU and NBU.
When ds was a tiny I never put him in the big pram to go on the bus for this very reason not for another buggy user but in case a wheelchair was already in/needed the space.
Even now with ds he is a toddler and able to get out the buggy and if someone else who would probbaly struggle more (like you with a double and a walker) I would take him out unless he was alseep (sorry he is a nightmare sleeper so if he sleeps he is asleep and I am not waking him )

I wouldn't have expected her to move but I would have been a bit miffed that she never offered any help or anything but really only because I would have done.

Reminds me of a story my mum told me when she was pg with my brother. She was on a pcked bus, hugely pregnant and a woman got on with a buggy (no unfolded buggy spaces in those days) and a sleeping toddler in her arms and nobody got up to offer this woman a seat. My mum did and the lady said oh no couldn't take your seat off you. My mum told her that her baby was safer and more protected where it was thatn this womans was if either of them fell.

PrammyMammy · 05/06/2009 13:27

Yanbu,
I hate seeing someone struggle on the bus. I don't drive and use the bus whenever i need to go somewhere. The busses here come 3 an hour and fit two buggies unfolded on a first come first served basis.
Last week i went and there were two buggies before me, one was a little stroller type with a boy about 3 in it. I'm pregnant, 26 weeks so obvious, and have a 17 mo. I'm pretty quick at folding my pushchair now, give me a few seconds and its done. But out of a bus full of people, one person, a man about 30, who was drunk and looked like he was maybe drunk a lot, with tattoos on his hands and neck, got up and insisted he lift my buggy for me, he held ds hand until i folded and then lifted it. Chatted all the way into town and then insisted he lift my pushchair off for me. I was taken aback slightly because you would think that another mum would be the one to offer a hand if any. But so greatful and will never judge a book again!
Anyway, sorry i went off on one there. It is true some people might not ask to help because of the reaction they might get back. But even chatting to the wandering toddlers while you sorted out fares and the buggy would have helped a lot with no effort really needed.

Bramshott · 05/06/2009 13:31

She was probably just in awe of you and your organisation in leaving the house with 3 under 5s!

GentlyDidIt · 05/06/2009 13:39

Just had a thought - she might have thought "She'll have a nice surprise when I get off 3 stops down the road - in the meantime, no point in me getting up and rearranging us all for 3 stops' worth of travel."

belgo · 05/06/2009 13:46

YABU - maybe she was ill, maybe she was pregnant. You don't know.

I nearly always carry ds in a sling or use a fold up maclaren on the bus. Expect one time recently when I took my gigantic pram on the bus, taking up loads of space, with my three children. But I didn't really have much choice - I had excrutiating mastitis with a temperature of 38.8°C and I had to pick the girls up from their swimming class, and there was no way I could put ds into a sling with mastitis, and no way I could walk feeling so ill.

I'm sure there were people looking at me thinking I was selfish for taking up so much space on the bus.

katiestar · 05/06/2009 13:56

Why are you criticising one woman with a baby for not helping you, and not all the other child-free passengers on the bus?

sarah293 · 05/06/2009 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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