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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected this woman to acknowledge me and my travelling circus on the bus?

60 replies

curlyredhead · 05/06/2009 12:14

Background: buses in our city it's either not possible to take unfolded buggies onto them, or on the ones with a disabled space there's room for one unfolded buggy in the disabled space, and if a wheelchair comes on you have to fold up the buggy. (And strictly speaking, you aren't supposed to take buggies on which can't fold up.)

So, this woman is sitting with her pram in the disabled access space, her baby is about 8 months old and wide awake. I got on with a double buggy with 1 year old twins and a walking four year old. She completely ignored me while I unpacked dts from the buggy, unpacked the bottom of it, and folded it up. I did this all on the bus, so she can't have not noticed me.

She then got off the bus about 3 stops later - so, about 3/4 mile and all downhill.

What I was really surprised at was that she didn't acknowledge me at all - if it had been me, I would at the very least have said, 'oh sorry my pram doesn't fold' - and probably have got off the bus and walked the last few stops. Or, if I was in a crazy hurry and couldn't manage to take the extra time, I'd have said that - 'really sorry, I can't afford to get off, but can I give you a hand with all your stuff / kids'

So: AIBU to have expected her to acknowledge what I was doing, and that by sitting there she was making quite a lot of work for me, or is it just normal / expected that she ignored what was happening?

OP posts:
burningupinspeed · 05/06/2009 14:05

I got on a bus once when DS was about 8 weeks, folded the pram and held him as a pushchair was taking the only space (also the wheelchair space)

Anyway I don't mind doing that, had DP to help, no problem.

But then a woman in a wheelchair got on and this stupid cow with the pushchair just stared at her gormlessly. You could almost hear the tumbleweed inside her thick head. So the driver eventually says to her that she has to fold the pushchair for the wheelchair to go there - she did, with lots of huffing and puffing and tutting. Then she got off at the next chuffing stop anyway!

paisleyleaf · 05/06/2009 14:13

I wonder if she was ignoring you because she could feel your eyes boring into her as the bus went DOWNHILL the last few stops, and didn't fancy any confrontation.
What was it she was supposed to do...fold down a buggy til bus got to bottom of the hill then put it back up again? / fold down your buggy? / mind your DCs? / hold your bags?
I think you should be more annoyed at the other passengers (without a baby) for not assisting you.

dilemma456 · 05/06/2009 14:54

Message withdrawn

wotulookinat · 05/06/2009 15:05

YABU. It would have been nice for her to do something, but, as dilemma says, she has no obligation to.
Three kids on a bus can't be easy though.

gagamama · 05/06/2009 15:42

YABU. Perhaps she was thinking she ought to be the one folding up her buggy, but as she was about to get off anyway didn't really want the hassle. Maybe she could've offered you a hand, but in fairness, if you were struggling, you could've asked. Sounds like you were trying to out-British each other!

TabithaTwitchet · 05/06/2009 16:09

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to expect/ hope for a bit of acknolwedgement.
She could have said - "sorry, my pram doesn't fold up" or something like that.

It's a bit like when I take DD on the train in her buggy I always try and park it in the disabled spot on the train - it is a big open space at beginning of the carriage with two seats facing it on each side. Often there are people sitting in these seats, so I just park DD in the space and sit on the floor beside her. I'd never expect the people to move for me - after all for all I know they have a disability and need those seats. However I always think that it would be nice if someone said to me something like "sorry I can't move, I need to sit in the seat" or something similar. It's just nice to be acknowledged, I think.

slushy06 · 05/06/2009 16:20

I think yabu I have before now arrived saw the bus already had a designated pram so waited for the next one. Just as bus about to leave a twin pram came on she gave me a dirty look. I had sat and waited 20 mins for this bus she had the choice to wait or unfold her buggy. I didn't help as she was constantly glaring at me while unpacking her kids.

elle23 · 05/06/2009 16:52

I was out other day with DS 4, DD1 2yrs & DD2 20mths. There were two pushchairs on the bus already so I had to fold mine, which was a nightmare alone (it took about 5mins)but it had to be done, that's fine.
Once I was on the bus I saw that a woman was holding a baby so her buggy was empty. The other pushchair was also empty and the child who was supposed to use it was at least 5 and at the back of the bus with her older brother jumping on the back seats!!
I don't mind folding the buggy when it's necessary but if your child doesn't need a pushchair or isn't going to be sitting in it while on the bus shouldn't the parents fold the pushchair to help other people??

JessJess3908 · 05/06/2009 17:13

YABU - You're lucky the bus driver let you on. Round here they would have told you to wait for the next one.

wahwah1270 · 05/06/2009 18:11

yab totally u. the woman has just as much right as you to the spot.

katedan · 05/06/2009 19:08

YABU to expect her to get off and walk but YANBU to expect her to help you. Round here you are not allowed more than one buggy on the bus so you would have had to wait.

However as a mum of toddler and baby twins as well it is a constant annoyance to me how parents of one child do not understand that parents of twins or more (or two kids close in age!) do need extra help.

Not surprised no one else on the bus helped you as that is the british for you. This country is so unchild friendly. This would never happen in Europe where children are considered important. RANT OVER!

MrsMattie · 05/06/2009 19:10

YABU to expect her to give up her space, but YANBU to hope that she might acknowledge you. I always note other women with buggies getting on and make a quick calculation in my mind of who needs the buggy space more. I would definitely give up the space for a women with a double buggy and another child if I was travelling with my 4 yr old and baby.

chegirl · 05/06/2009 19:17

YABU. Bit weird to pick on this one woman. Having a child doesnt make you a member of some sort of 'all mums together' club. I mean there is no law or anything is there?

YANBU to have wanted some help from someone generally. Getting three kids on a bus is a struggle and it wouldve been nice for someone to give you a hand.

BalloonSlayer · 05/06/2009 19:47

It's interesting you describe yourself as a "travelling circus" because you have three children.

Would you have done all the things you think she should have done, if you had been there first and someone had got on with four?

When you have one child, everything you do seems really difficult. When you have your second you think "actually having one was a doddle," and so on. She probably had knackered herself getting as far as she did.

littlelamb · 05/06/2009 19:52

Tough one really, but I think yanbu. I had to travel twice on the bus today and both times I had to stand up with 11 mo ds in one arm, holding on for dear life with the other hand, and 4 yo dd doing the same. There is no way that the bus full of people didn't see us as ds is so loud It was mainly old dears but not one of them stood up to let us sit down. I don't automatically expect to be offered a seat but when I have a baby in my arms and a preschooler also standing I do think it's different. I think it's just rudeness, and ime old dears are the worst for it

notevenamousie · 05/06/2009 19:54

I think it's first come, first served, and younger children take priority, then sleeping children. I think when you have a big pram and an 8 month old you have no idea how it is to have 3 mobile children, so YABU, but I do sympathise because I go everywhere by bus and sometimes it is a pretty crap deal.

SecretSlattern · 05/06/2009 19:56

As an aside, it really gets to me when people stick empty pushchairs in the space, stashed full of their shopping and then those of us with buggies and babies are turned away because the space is occupied. I really resent having to fold my buggy up if there is another one there with an older child who would take 2 secs to whip out rather than having the kerfuffle of unstrapping the baby and balancing him, DD the changing bag and folding down the buggy.

hatesponge · 05/06/2009 20:05

I think YABU sorry, I dont see why this lady should be more obliged to help you than anyone else on the bus - she may well have had a back problem/similar which was why she was using a non-folding buggy ie because she couldnt physically manage to fold one iyswim.

However YANBU to think someone out of a bus full of people might have helped you!

Many years ago I had to give my then 9/10 month old DS to the bus driver to hold whilst I folded my buggy because I needed 2 hands, there were no spare seats to put him on whilst I did so and every one the bus was giving me the vacant stare

weebump · 05/06/2009 20:14

Littlelamb, I'm sure it was really difficult standing in the bus with your children, but "old dears" have as much - if not more right to seats than fitter younger women and children.

FairLadyRantALot · 05/06/2009 20:20

public transport , especially bus services, are generally crap in the UK and certainly not geared up for wheelchair usesr and pram users...
tbh...I always avoided public transport as much as I could...
stupid really that they try to force drivers of the road by increasing prices of fuel, etc...but than don't really offer acceptable alternatives...
but, I suppose that is neither here nor there...

I think yabu in your expectations...but I can see why you felt that way...it's stressful enough wiht more than 1 young child...you don't need the extra hassle...but I suppose it is our own decision (well, often, anyway) how many Kids we have and the age gaps (obviously aware of accidents happening, etc...but you know what I mean)...

I do htin the unhelpful attitude of people within the western culture is very sad, though

Amanda1977 · 06/06/2009 15:47

I think the other woman probably felt dead guilty and that's why she ignored you, I would however have offered to help you, hold a baby for you or something, or like you say get off early. I think being a fellow mother tends to make me want to help others as can sympathise with their situation. But, generally, people seem v unwilling to help out those that are obviously struggling. I made a special effort to buy the cheapest, flimsiest, most foldupable pushchair in order to be able to travel on public transport as my greatest fear is boarding a bus and all the pushchair spaces being taken!

NooNoo5 · 06/06/2009 19:02

YANBU - where do you live out of interest? I think you expect to be treated how you would have treated this person if the shoe was on the other foot. It is disappointing when people don't match your own expectations. I think you expect other mothers to sympathise/empathise with other mothers - she could of at least give you a helping hand - miserable sod!

curlygal · 06/06/2009 19:19

If I had been in that other woman's position I would have got off the bus and let you have the space. I have done that before and woudl do it again. When ever I have DS on the bus in his buggy unfolded I keep an eye out for other parents wanting to get on and use the space, if I am close to by stop I will just get off, if not I will evict DS and fold up the buggy so the other parent can have the space. If the other parent had twins and another child I would DEFINITELY have leapt up to do this.

Now that DS is older (three) I tend to get him out of the buggy before the bus comes and take the buggy on folded up.

We use the bus a lot as no car and the amount of people who sit in that space and deliberately look out of hte window and pretend not to see you getting on with a buggy is unbelievable. Would hate to have a younger baby or twins as would put me off using the bus.

We have some great drivers here (edinburgh) who will get off the bus to help you on with your buggy (this has happened to me on more than one occassion) if you have tons of shopping, or who will ask the passengers in the space to move but also some right grumpy ones who won;t wait for you to fold down your buggy if there is already one on and whow yell at you to fold your buggy down should your child hop out for a second which is frustrating if you are going two stops and have tons of shopping underneath

MorrisZapp · 06/06/2009 22:36

Yabu.

Funniest thing I ever saw on the bus was a harrassed young dad carrying a baby and a pile of shopping. He was trying to get off the bus and said to an old lady 'sorry, do you mind just holding this' and the old lady smiled and leaned over to help him with his shopping - and he handed her the baby!

Her face lit up. It was a strange and beautiful moment.

Anyhoo. My own experience is that offers of help in these situations are often met with horror, and an instant shrinking away - poeple with small kids can be protective to the point of paranoia too. I often say 'do you want a hand there' and sometimes get 'I can manage' thorugh gritted teeth, as if I've suggested the person can't cope.

And don't get me started on the people who breeze past you wiht buggies when you hold the door for them

wotulookinat · 07/06/2009 09:55

That's a lovely story, Morris

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