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Original poster

Should I be grateful to DH for 'supporting me' while I stay at home?

48 replies

bigmoon · 04/06/2009 14:30

My DH recently said I should be grateful because he works so hard to financially support me and our DD while.

I am currently 7mnths pregnant and not working as I was made redundant when I had DD 2 yrs ago. I have stayed at home since. He clearly resents me for being on a permanant 'jolly' and Im quite sure he doesnt have as much respect for me as when I was the main bread winner and had a good career.

I would really like to feel appreciated for the job I do now, I take motherhood seriously but feel like its only me and other mothers that see its worth while. Instead I feel like I have put my career on hold and will have to start further down the ladder when I do go back, that im not enjoying motherhood let alone any good at it (DH constant snide remarks about housework etc make me feel small)I feel like im trapped with another pregnancy & DD to bring up before I can return to a life where I am respected again.

I feel like finding full time work just to put me and DH back on an even playingfield but I know I will just end up doing it all as his work is totally inflexible.

Am I being unreasonable feeling so low and unvalued in all of this?

OP posts:
pramspotter · 04/06/2009 14:35

You already have a full time job that makes you work more hours than he does. I say this as a working mother. You have a job already as a sahm.

He has an income, a career, a good pension etc. You have sacrificed all that for your kids. You are the mother of his children, your job is harder than his and he should be thanking you.

Let me also say that as a working mother the cost of childcare transport etc etc ad nauseum costs a hell of a lot. I am really only working the number of hours necessary to keep my nursing registration valid in case something happens and I need to support my family. I don't think we are any better off because I am working. If I worked more hours we would actually be worse off.

Let me give your dh a virtual slap. He is being mean.

FabulousBakerGirl · 04/06/2009 14:37

Of course you should be grateful

As long as he is greatful that you being at home enables him to work outside the home.

Wanker.

Stigaloid · 04/06/2009 14:38

Book yourself a week away somewhere and leave him with DD on his own. Then come back and see how easy he thinks full time parenthood is - muppet!

Soryr you are having a hard time.

Hassled · 04/06/2009 14:39

Yes, you should feel grateful provided he is equally grateful for your childcare provision, laundry service, administrative skills, catering, cleaning etc etc etc.

Somebody somewhere quantified the true value of a "housewife" (yes, I know, yuck word) and it was thousands of quid per annum - I wish I could remember how much. Your DH is being a tosser, and I suggest you show him this thread.

BonsoirAnna · 04/06/2009 14:41

I think you should feel grateful/appreciative to your DH for supporting your whole family financially; just as he should feel grateful/appreciative for your invaluable contribution to your joint lives.

Whatever job you do, it is best to do it thoroughly and with pride. If you feel inadequate in your housework skills, try working on them and get the better of your DH!

Morloth · 04/06/2009 14:42

My Dh would be looking for his teeth, ironing his own shirts, washing his own clothes, vacuuming half the house, cooking his own dinner, picking DS up from school, running his own errands and so on (the list is endless) if he was ever cheeky enough to say that to me.

Life is much easier for all of us now that I don't work.

meemar · 04/06/2009 14:43

He is being an arse.

You are supporting the family as much as he is by providing free childcare for your children, as well as the other stuff I'm sure you do additionally at home.

Financial reward is not the only measure of worth.

MuppetsMuggle · 04/06/2009 14:43

tell your DH to be a SAHD - and you go out to work!

He'll then see being a SAHM is a full-time job in itself.

CMOTdibbler · 04/06/2009 14:45

Did you both decide jointly that you would stay at home after you were made redundant ?

skidoodle · 04/06/2009 14:47

You should be grateful that he works hard to support you financially and he should be grateful that you work so hard to raise his children and make his life easier by creating space for him to concentrate on his career.

You don't need to get a full time job to refocus this conversation so that your contribution is valued as it should be.

You are being a tiny bit unreasonable to feel low and unvalued because you are accepting his (incorrect) valuation of how you spend your day.

You say that you take motherhood seriously. Well good for you. Don't let his ridiculous, mean-spirited attitude take that away from you.

Why do you take it seriously? What are you particularly good at? What bits do you find most rewarding? What difference do you think you are making to the world doing what you do?

Go and talk to him about this when you feel as good about your choices, and your role, and your contribution as you can. Don't let him put you down, don't let him hold money over your head. Half the household money legally belongs to you, regardless of who earns it.

He'd be a lot poorer if you were to separate. It might be worth reminding him of that, since he has no compunction about trying to use his supposed financial clout to make you feel small.

KirstyJC · 04/06/2009 14:47

Why is he making constant snide remarks about the housework? On top of telling you to be grateful that you are bringing up his children?!?

Sorry but he sounds like a bit of a prat and this sounds like bullying. What does he think you do all day FGS? Does he realise that a family unit can survive without anyone earning money (benefits take up the slack to a certain extent), but not without anyone parenting - that shows how important your job is!

Were you the main breadwinner for a long time/when you met? Do you think he got to like it that you earned the money - so he didn't need to worry - and now resents the fact that he is the earner?

Tell him to bugger off and stop being nasty. Arrange to go out for a day (before the baby comes, 'cos God knows you won't afterwards) and leave all the childcare and housework to him...If everything isn't perfect when you get back, make sure you point it out!! (In a constantly snidey fashion of course....).

sarah293 · 04/06/2009 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pagwatch · 04/06/2009 14:54

He is being a twat

You don't need to be appreciated. But it is your home, you are the mother of his children and you are entitled to expect him to treat you with respect.
I know this is going to sound harsh but this issue annoys me.
Tell him he needs to stop being negative or you will cease to support him in the many ways that you do.
As Morloth says I wonder how happy he would be about life without clean clothes, food on the table and being handed his children when he arrives home as you leave the house with a cheery wave.

Stop bleating about being appreciated and tell him to treat you with the same respect you treat him.
What sort of example are you going to be setting for your DCs otherwise with him snipeing at you and you wringing your hands about it and not refusing to accept it

I have been a SAHM for 13 years. My DH respects me as much today as he did when I was his boss

plimple · 04/06/2009 14:55

It's a hard line to tread as of course you should both appreciate one another. He is being a total wanker to make snide remarks to you. You are 7 months pregnant for heavens sake! Tell him if he needs his house a bit cleaner he'll have to earn even more so you can afford a cleaner as you are too pregnant and too busy looking after your 2 year old and doing the everyday washing, cooking, washing up that that brings. (I'm 6 months pregnant and with SPD shouldn't hoover so I also don't dust, it only gets so high anyway - the hoovering really needs doing but it hurts me!)
He may feel a bit under pressure though so you could talk to him about that. Is he worried about losing his job?
This is why I think feminism has a lot to answer for. I'm sure the original intent was to appreciate the work a SAHM does and give her equal rights, but instead it seems to have made everyone, women included think that being a SAHM is a worthless occupation.
I respect you!

skidoodle · 04/06/2009 14:59

FGS don't blame feminism for a man whose attitude is unreconstructed male chauvinism.

Why should women wanting equal rights take the blame for men acting like assholes?

slug · 04/06/2009 15:02

Set up a spreadsheet. Enter into it everything you do. Child minding costs for a 2 year old for the number of hours you do it. The costs of a cleaner, the costs of catering, service washes, grocery delivery. Don't forget to bill for your time in the evenings, especially if you get up at night when the little one wakes, include N.I. contributions and holiday pay entitlement. Include projections for a night Nanny when the new baby is born.

Then present it to him and make the point that you actually save him money by being a SAHM.

Litchick · 04/06/2009 15:03

Couples need to appreciate each other in whatever role they take on.
That said, perhaps your DH is feeling the strain of being sole breadwinner. I know I would if it were me.
Perhaps he says these things because he's finding it hard.

slushy06 · 04/06/2009 15:05

I am also a SAHM and I can say it is bloody hard it is not the housework cooking or taking care of children that I find hard but watching my dh happily pursuing his career and coming home happy when he has had a pay rise I am happy for him but its hard feeling like I have given up my career and my life is on hold. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't have it any other way given choice but it's still hard.

stressed2007 · 04/06/2009 15:05

You could be living in my house - you are not alone believe me

plimple · 04/06/2009 15:21

It's a hard line to tread as of course you should both appreciate one another. He is being a total wanker to make snide remarks to you. You are 7 months pregnant for heavens sake! Tell him if he needs his house a bit cleaner he'll have to earn even more so you can afford a cleaner as you are too pregnant and too busy looking after your 2 year old and doing the everyday washing, cooking, washing up that that brings. (I'm 6 months pregnant and with SPD shouldn't hoover so I also don't dust, it only gets so high anyway - the hoovering really needs doing but it hurts me!)
He may feel a bit under pressure though so you could talk to him about that. Is he worried about losing his job?
This is why I think feminism has a lot to answer for. I'm sure the original intent was to appreciate the work a SAHM does and give her equal rights, but instead it seems to have made everyone, women included think that being a SAHM is a worthless occupation.
I respect you!

skidoodle · 04/06/2009 15:25

plimple

It's kind of irritating that on a thread full of women telling the OP that being a SAHM is valuable that you are making baseless assertions that "everyone, women included" think it is worthless.

There is unanimous agreement here that the OP's husband is being unfair and yet still you want to get in a dig at other women and what you (incorrectly) perceive to be feminism. Sheesh.

moondog · 04/06/2009 15:28

God, you lot make staying home with kids sound like the hardest job in the world.
It isn't.
(Not that the bloke isn't being an arse because he is.)

ABetaDad · 04/06/2009 15:28

Agreeing with a lot said already.

Of course you should be grateful he is supporting you and no doubt you are grateful - but likewise he should be grateful for what you do and it sounds like he is not.

In other words mutual respect.

MadameDefarge · 04/06/2009 15:31

Moondog, I think it depends on how old your dcs are, to be honest.

I found being at home with a small baby a million times harder than going to work, where I got coffee breaks, time to talk to other grown ups, use my brain.

On the other hand, if they are at school, it is a lot easier.

barnsleybelle · 04/06/2009 15:38

My dh went away to work in Africa so that we could afford for me to leave work after dc2 was born.

We are both grateful to each other. I to dh for his sacrifices in that he does not see his family for 3 months at a time. But also him to me that i have given up my flourishing career so that i can stay at home with the children.

Were he to have stayed in the uk working we would have both had to work full time, which neither of us wanted for the children.

It's hard at times but we feel we are doing what is best for our family, and we are equally grateful to each other.

That is how it should be. You are a team and work together to give your children what you think is best. Should be entirely mutual and not one-sided.

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