Should I be grateful to DH for 'supporting me' while I stay at home?

[bigmoon]

My DH recently said I should be grateful because he works so hard to financially support me and our DD while.

I am currently 7mnths pregnant and not working as I was made redundant when I had DD 2 yrs ago. I have stayed at home since. He clearly resents me for being on a permanant 'jolly' and Im quite sure he doesnt have as much respect for me as when I was the main bread winner and had a good career.

I would really like to feel appreciated for the job I do now, I take motherhood seriously but feel like its only me and other mothers that see its worth while. Instead I feel like I have put my career on hold and will have to start further down the ladder when I do go back, that im not enjoying motherhood let alone any good at it (DH constant snide remarks about housework etc make me feel small)I feel like im trapped with another pregnancy & DD to bring up before I can return to a life where I am respected again.

I feel like finding full time work just to put me and DH back on an even playingfield but I know I will just end up doing it all as his work is totally inflexible.

Am I being unreasonable feeling so low and unvalued in all of this?

he's clearly got muppet tendancies. in your shoes - i would tell him that you are going back to work after the new baby is born. you are looking for roles now.

so - he can either stay ay home - or you should cost out childcare.

when you have done that costing - of minding two kids whilst you go out to work - sit back and let him come to a realisation. then let him come to the conclusion that its better if one of you stay at home

then.... tell him that you want to go back to work - i bet my arse he doesn't want to leave work - his carer - mates etc.

then have a chat about that

then let him talk you round.

then in future when he makes a stupid comment like this - you can tell him it was his decision.

That is an interesting choice Barnsley.
How is him being away for long periods (how long at a time) better than not being around after work in your opinion?

I don't ask to criticise btw as I am in similar position with dh working abroad.I work f/t though. If you don't work at all, why don't you just go to where he is and be with him?

Ask him if he would like to take a weeks holiday and look after the dc whilst you temp for a week and then ask him if you should be gratefull and did he enjoy his jolly - oh and make sure he knows how much housework there is to do and not slack off!

moondog... He works in nigeria which is not a suitable place for the children. Very unsafe, dh has armed police to transport (hence the wages)!

He works for 3 months and then home for 3 weeks.

It is very difficult particularly for ds who is 7 and misses him dreadfully.

The plan is he will come back home to work when dd gets to school (she's 21 months
).

He speaks to us all via webcam every night, and i suppose we've made it work.

'I feel like finding full time work just to put me and DH back on an even playingfield but I know I will just end up doing it all as his work is totally inflexible.'

You ARE on an even playing field!!! It just so happens that is is the wife who bears the children... not the husband - hence you not working.

There is nothing wrong with you being at home rearing your children - did he not also make them? Are they not also HIS kids? I find his whole attitude awful to be frank - who does he think he is? You've sacrificed a job you clearly enjoy so you BOTH can have children - he should be more grateful to you, not the other way around.

I am not surprised you feel undervalued in this, because it seems you are. I am so sorry about this You really should have a chat with DH about his attitude and how he makes you feel. Resentment will only grow like a poison between the two of you, a threat to any marriage. The last thing you need when pregnant and looking after a LO.

A big hug for you x

I agree with most of the posts here but what I think or say is of no value to you. Maybe you and dh should start a line of communications between you both to discuss what expectations you have on eachother as partner and parents. Your expectations as well as his and instead of telling eachother how you should feel, tell eachother how you do feel. He might surprise you!

Did you make the decision to stay at home jointly? The reason I ask is that I know of quite a few women who decided all by themselves that they would give up their jobs and stay home with their kids without any consultation or discussion with their DH's. They then moan when their DH's are not as supportive of their decision as they would like them to be.

I am currently at home (and pg) and as DP and I made this decision together I don't feel either of us should be grateful to the other. I DO appreciate that he works hard to support us and he DOES appreciate that I have made sacrifices to be here raising the kids and keeping the house. That said, I do sometimes feel annoyed when he comes home and moans about his job as miss work a bit sometimes and he does feel annoyed sometimes when he comes home and the house is a tip because it's harder for him to relax after a hard day for example. I think that's human nature!

I think you need to talk to DP and both be honest about how you are feeling. I know dp gets annoyed when the house is a mess so I have agreed to try to keep at least one room tidy so he can sit and have a cup of tea without looking at mess when he gets home and he tends not to go out for drinks after work so he can come home and relieve me as he appreciates that I don't have that luxury and my days are long. These were out "flashpoints" if you like and others will have different ones I'm sure.

I am considering returning to work full time after this baby is born and lettig dp be at home for a bit. Even if it's not a permanant change, I think it will help us both to see things from the others perspective.

So I guess my answer is maybe a bit but it depends on the circumstances.

SG

supagirl - I think the idea of keeping one room tidy is a good idea. There is nothng more disheartening than to come home to a messy chaotic house after a hard day at work.

When DW comes in I try to have the kitchen, the lounge and our bedroom tidy as those are the rooms she will use.

I do also agree that some of my male friends were in effect 'rail roaded' into the you go out to work and I will SAHM by their wives. It has to be negotiated fairly beforehand and the deal about who does what has to be signed off by both.

To a point BetaDad, This mum is not doing nothing. She is pregnant and has a pre schooler. Very important for both partners to feel valued and recognised for their contribution, including her. After all, he cannot do pregnancy and birth. Stay at home mums know the value of the work they do but unfortunately, society doesn't. It's why a full time parent is regarded as 'not working' instead of 'not being paid'. However hubby has issues with what he considers to be her lack of contribution. This perception of the stay at home mom is a lot of the reason why so many lack the confidence they had prior to having children. That said, it all needs to be talked through but to find a resolution for both of them not just him.

Skidoodle-didn't mean to post twice, computer error. The people who make me feel most worthless are my well educated single female friends. I apologise for colouring my point with my personal experience and making sweeping generalisations. Of course Feminism isn't to blame for this man's snide comments.

moondog can I repsectfully suggest you are in the minority to say that being a SAHM is not the hardest job in the world. I have had some jobs and being a SAHM is the hardest.

Outside pressures, illness, lack of support, etc can all make it very ioslating and hard.

IMO those that find it very easy are lucky.

You should be grateful to him for supporting the family (cos it's not just you, is it?) and he should be grateful to you for bringing up your (joint) children. It's a partnership.

I actually agree with Moondog, being a sahm is not that hard ALL the time. When I was a single Mum I was working full time AND doing all the chores on my own and that WAS hard - being home full time sometimes does feel easier in comparison.

On days like today when I have been sitting in the garden having a long lazy lunch with DD while she crawls around I am glad to be at home full time rather than at work stressing about deadlines and shoving a sandwich in my mouth at my desk.......BUT on days when the kids have been awake in the night, I am shattered, the house is a tip all before 830am then I would do almost anything to be the one waltzing out of the door to work and leaving it all behind......

it's swings and roundabouts - I think both working and staying home are equally challenging and demanding but in different ways.

SG

You should appreciate each other - him for supporting the family financially and, in return, he should value you for looking after the house etc.

If you made the decision together for you to stay home then he shouldnt comment. Maybe he is feeling the pressure being the only earner in the current climate.

wot moondog said with double twuntage for the ops husband.

just tell him to feck off every time he tries this shit.

So could you go out to work full time and out source the childcare ?

Would that make him less resentful, yes we all know it's bloody hard work but I don't think most men appreciate that or indeed see it as valuable, really I don't.

Can i just support moondog, and maybe fbg i am in the minority. However, being a sahm is far easier than any of the jobs i've had. Much easier. It may be hard at times, yes, but 1. I don't consider it a job and 2. Better and easier than combining work and mum role any day.

Well i suppose it depends on your job then as to if it's easier or harder to be a sahm. That i accept. I for one as a senior registered nurse on an horrendously busy trauma unit can honestly not remember a single shift that was remotely easier than being at home. Even when they are both poorly together it's far easier nursing them than most of the patients i came across .

Well, my DH is utterly exhausted come the end of the weekend and rushes out of the door on Monday morning to get back to the office where he often works 14 hour days.

I'm grateful to him for working so hard. He is grateful to me too for working so hard at home too. But it's not a competition between us. We both know we're at a very hard graft stage in our lives.

How things will be when I return to work and start asking more of him around the house, I don't know.

It's not about one person being grateful to the other, it's about mutual respect, as many others have said.

I am grateful to DH for working hard and earning money to look after the family.

DH is grateful to me for being at home MN all day looking after DD which is not hard but kind of never ending.

FWIW, I find working far far easier than looking after DD, and am about to have another. I think it depends on the job, the child/ren, and the personality of the parent.