PLEASE PLEASE. i JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT...LONG...

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

DS is already seeing someone for emotional problems, but nothing is really improving as of yet.

Last night he 'raged' and had 'hysterics' for over 1hr. It took me and his father to get him to anything close to manageable, and he ended up having a bath at 10.30 to try and calm him a little. But he went to sleep crying,sad.

My poor DD was struggling and despite trying to give her attention, she is still being affected by it.

The reasons for his outbursts are complex, but I am exhausted and sad. He goes to secondary school in september and I am dreading it. It just goes on and on and on. Need to offload a little.

I am leaving him to sleep because he will be impossible at school as he is so tired, which means explaining to the teachers yet again that he is in a state. I ache for him, but am frustrated and stressed as well. His hormones will be kicking in and then we will have that to cope with. (this isn't pre-teen angst, he has been like it for years, but as of yet has had no 'official' dx, so help has been hard to get).

Trying to 'just keep swimming' but it always seems to be upstream.sadOh help.

I am struggling. He has woken up in a foul mood. Saying nasty things, telling me no-one cares or understands, that I have to give up work, he is going to refuse tyo go to school
I don't know how to do this. He can't keep taking time off school because he doesn't feel like going in but he is also obvioiusly not happy. I have masses and masses of work to do.

My parents can't help and I don't want to ring his dad. It is a night mare and I have had enough. I am feeling wound up and nearly shouted at him.

H won't stop going on about how much he fancies me now that the marriage is over, and despite treating me like crap fo a very long time expects me to draw a line so we can move on.
He says it is up to me to 'say the word', not really dealing with what bought me to this point in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I am trying so hard because I am trying to fight deptression but it is not easy and when I start to make progress because I want to have something more out of life than this constant uphill struggle, something knocks me back.

I want to laugh and have days of just 'being', not constantly dealing with tension and fraught emotions and It might be selfish but I want to stop having to be the one to have to 'manage' everything so it doesn't all spiral out of control.

I want to sort my own head out and be me again because somewhere in this fucked up head there is a girl who loves life and wants to enjoy it and get the most out of what it has to offer.

We go through this most of the time is DS doesn't get his own way or someone says something in the wrong tone of voice or looks at him wrong (and H for that matter).

If the poor boy has some kind or 'problem', whatever that may be, it is so so sad, but I am scared that this will never ever end.

fALLING APART

OK. Sorry if my previous emails sounded unkind, not intended to be but as you say, you are exhausted by all this.

Deep down though, I think you probably realise it is your response and well-being that can pull you all out of this situation.

1. You need to deal with your exH. The situation must be clarified. If he won't leave, can you? Or can you force the issue of him going somehow? Until this is resolved how can any of you move on?

1. You need to restore your ability to set boundaries and not fear 'making a scene', while making sure your son is able to release tension and frustration over his parents issues. Your son will be so confused and distressed by what is going on that you may need to do serious work on that issue. Relate are supposed to be linked to affordability but perhaps that has changed. If your son is already seeing someone for emotional issues, can you discuss it with them?

And keep talking to Parentline: can they advise on strategies for managing the two key issues above

Have you thought about applying for social housing?

TMW pschyzophrenia could be passed down, but no one knows for sure.It has been associated with deletions or mutations of tiny parts of the DNA sequence. It is not the same aa schizophrenia, but some thing quite different( although similar sounding)...sufferers often have sensory issues, sounds ,sights,smells ect can be too much.There is often behavioural issues, and appears at early adulthood/puberty... will try and find a link for you.

I have no advice. Just enormous sympathy and hope for the best for you.

You need some help and support if you're going to be able to give it to you ds and dd. My ds, who's 10, does have an asd diagnosis, but the behaviour, the rages and aggression sound v similar. It's NOT necessarily as easy as 'being firm', making him go to bed on time, etc. I've got 2 other dcs, it's different for ds2 and I can't always work the same way,

Things we've found helpful;

Very closr relationship with school. I go in to chat with his teacher every 3 weeks to swap info, debrief, and try to head off potential flashpoints. It's very useful, as well, to have that relationship established when you need to ask for support.

Are you looking for a statement/ diagnosis or not? It might not be AT ALL what's appropriate for your ds, but maybe it is. What do school think? What do you think? The only real reason for going down that route imo is to access resources for him, eg, a 1-1 suppoort worker at school, would that be helpful?

Something that's been amazing for ds is a 20 year old uni student who I found through a uni volunteer matching programme, who comes to hang out with him a couple of times a week. She's nearer ds's age, is fun and a bit cool and able to be flexible when he's grumpy/ hard going in a way that other 10 year olds just aren't going to be. There might be something similar near you, or some councils have mentoring programme. Someone who has no agenda, no 'teacher/parent' har has been really wonderful for him.

I really feel for you. I know how exhausted and downright scared I feel sometimes, and I've got a great and supportive partner.
Your H might be 'hard to convince' that you need a break, but you DO need to do it. You CANNOT carry on likre this forever and better to take a break and sort out some things now than lose it completely in a year. You won't be any use to anyone then.

I really hope you get some help for you and your dcs.

LL, didn't think you were unkind, It is hard to be objective when you are in the middle of a situation. And hard to be decisive, I can see some of the action that needs taking, like dealing with the situation with 'H', and I can make a decision in my head, and then something floors me, which doesn't help when depresion is an issue.

I am thinking about social housing, but I work from home and part of my businesses success is down to my location and the convenience to customers. I like working and the thought of having to give up at the moment is tough. In the long run there is something else I want to do but with everything else I need to deal with I start to feel as if I am drowning...

TBH, I am not really very 'tough' and a bit of a simple soul at heart so the constant conflict is taking its toll..I am not very good at dealing with it so I need to be something I am not inherently.

Oh, bugger. I am having chocolate..

So sorry No advice I'm afraid.

DS#1 is very emotionally fragile and has always been but in his case it is more likely to take the shape of sobbing than being violent, although there have been times and he shows his temper verbally sometimes. He is now 12 and a little calmer.

FWIW the last year in primary (I am making as assumption there? ) is quite hard for some children. It may be that the move to secondary will help.

I am sure the situation with his dad isn't helping. Is there anyway you could all move out - I mean you and the DC - to get away from the unsettling situation?

Hi MW

DS2 is going through a ver similar thing and I so know what you are going through.

sometimes you just seem to spend you life trying to deal with the situation that you forget how to have a normal life.

after a hidious start to the week we have had a little normality.. but I take every hour as it goes. and I try not to dwell on what might happen next and just enjoy the good times.. because somewhere in there is that baby boy you adored so much.
In our case I take the brunt of his anger and mood swings .. because I am a safe person who loves him so much.. and he feels he can do this with me.

I had to really be so firm with myself about keeping to the rules in our house and not pander to his rages/outbursts when he doesn't get what he wants. I have to be the steady person in his life.

When ds2 goes down to his dad's he get want he wants.. the paternal grandparents over rule his dad for a quiet life and they inflame the situation by doing this and by encouraging him to tell stories about me.

This has ended up in ss being called out to me as he was saying he was consantly hit.. for years etc. which none of it was true. we are still dealing with that.
He's okay right at this minute.. but just as I get him on an evenish keel.. he goes down there again .. and so we start the whole thing again.

the ex's aren't his main issue or cause.. yet they so inflame the situation .. even though I have asked for help from them so many times. they lead him into stories and then believe him when he tells them what they want to hear.

It's not much help to you with regard to advise.. but you seem to be doing everthing you can and have the right people on your side trying to help your ds.

It's more of an I understand.. I really do.

If you ever need to chat about how tings are going.. or your not coping just shout for me ..

Orm, he has been like this for a few years now and each time there has been a change in teachers, classes we have hoped it might be the change he needed but has never been the case .

Oh, BCNS, i could cry for you. You are sort of describing my life. I have had the police involved, social services, camhs, childline, parentline, and in the end I think maybe I am creating the situation by feeding it.

I have been told I get a lot of it because I am the 'safe' person who loves him unconditionally, but it hurts so much.

I think you have to love them because they are the way they are, not despite it but god it can be testing, especially when you are being screamed at. I try and try not to lose it and then sometimes I want to let my own feelings rage.... so I run, and cycle, and paint and cry and come on MN and try not to go mad.

Thank-you for your offer, I may well take you up on it..

I have just laughed with someone and it felt so nice.

I have to work for a bit now, but thank-you all SO much..will respond to any other posts later...

Hi TMW,

Is your DS able to talk about these rages calmly after he has calmed down? Is this something you do, or could try, do you think?

I'd have thought your GP could suggest some different avenues - e.g. for various types of counselling / activities that might help your DS, you and your H (who doesn't sound as though he is helping matters much).

Would you DS be safe if you left him with your H for a night or two? If so, maybe a little break would help you clear your head a bit.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress and BCNS, am sending you each virtual Bendicks Bitter Mints (my fave chocs, but you deserve them more). Much sympathy.

MW.. taking a break from work here.. and was thinking..
what we have done with ds2 is when he's starting to come down from an out burst..and so is a bit calmer.. is give him 2 huge sheets of paper and different pens and pencils.. the only instructions for him are one sheet is for angry / upset and one sheet is for things that make him happy.

he can write words/ draw picturs anything goes..

sometimes he leaves the happy sheet until he has calmed down a bit more.

he sems to really enjoy it.. we get such angry words and pictures etc.. but it does seem to work as in giving him a place to put his feelings.

If he wants to talk about it after he can.. but I just let him tell me.. and just nod and say things like "oh I can see why that made you angry / happy" I never guide him or ask too much..

might be worth a try.. and don't get upset at what he writes/ draws.

Also found it helpful when I'm trying to explain his week to his support team.. as I can show them what he felt at the time.. rather than just saying.. oh it's been awful this week .. as that bit I find really hard.

when I looked back at the time he was saying I hit him.. on his angry sheet it was all about not getting what he wants.. and having his stuff taken away and having to wearn it back!.. which is a far cry from being hit!

HTH

oh just an add.. get some cheap crayons and pencils ( asda are great for this).. because he may jolly well snap the pencils and rip the paper up.

I don't say anything about it.. and leave him to it.. and just clear up when he's done

TMW have you concidered a course of CBT for him? it sounds scary but it can help lots of different conditions...might help him manage his rages a bit more, or even help him "find his way" through something thats getting to him, without him even getting to the rage part?

Sleep away camp for DS this summer for a little break for everyone?

Thanks for the suggestion BCNS....he does break all his stuff.

He is refusing to go to school again, and 'H' has left me his wedding ring with a harrowing note so I am not best placed to cope today.

When does it end?

Sounds like you are in 2 minds - if he is 'ill', I can't be too hard on him, but if he's not, I should be being firmer with him. So you need to find out the answer to that before you can make a plan of action.

Keep going to your GP until they take notice. Every week if you have to. Even if they do all the tests and tell you that nothing is 'wrong' with your DS, at least you will know. If he is ill, you will then get the help you need, medically and from the (or another) school.

If he is not ill, you need to be firmer with him and get him back on track. TBH, to me it sounds like he has you wrapped round his little finger and gets away with doing as he pleases far too much (not being woken up for school, etc.) That is why he goes off on one when he doesn't get his own way, because he is used to getting it.

And yes, your DD will be suffering from it and will eventually start to rebel in the same way - why should she be made to go to school when he gets to stay home, etc etc. So you need to medical diagnosis - ill or not ill - and then you need to take the bull by the horns and get into some kind of routine.

Like other posters have said, a rigid routine and more firmness from you will probably work wonders. Kids need boundaries. It grounds them. He may not like it at first, but you are the parent. It does sound like you are a bit scared of what he might do. Wake up to how ridiculous this is and don't accept it any more.

Put everything else on hold as much as you can, and focus on laying down some ground rules (for yourself as much as you DS) and sticking to them without fail for a few weeks to see what happens.

Set bed time/getting up time.
No more missing school.
Healthy meals and lots of exercise (as another poster suggested).
Rewards of going swimming (or whatever) at the weekend for a good week.

In short - you need to be in charge. This will do him good, whether he has a diagnosis of something or not. He will soon learn that life is not so bad if he tows the line a little.

how are you feeling this morning??

MW I don't think it actually ends.. it just changes

keep on praising ds on anything he does that is good or better..lots of hugs and I love yous..I know it's really hard to do.. but he really does need them.

And don't pander to the outbursts.

Have you spoken to the LEA or childrens directorate about the refusing to go to school? they may well be able to help.. and it will look a lot better on you if you ask them for help. You SW ( if you have one) may also really be able to help out on this.. he needs to be educated. ( not nessasarily (sp) in a school.. so have an ask about and see what options there are in your area for him.

GoodWitch, you make some very valuable points,

unfortunately though,it is routine at home that kicks his moods off. He says he only doesn't do it at school because he is laughed at.

He has;

Ripped doors off hinges,
Put windows through,
Thrown rocks and drinking glasses at DD.
Smashed hundreds of pounds worth of toys(which we don't replace)
Punched several holes in the ceiling of his bedroom.
Physically attacked me and his sister,
He lies, pinches money, has a very complex issue with bullying for which I am receiving advice.

He has a mentor, camhs, a social worker and his school attendance has never dropped below 95% apart from one term when he was quite poorly.

He threatens and does self-harm, I don't pander to him and he is off school now because a/ I am exhausted by these outbursts and maybe, just maybe, he needs to be listened to and it might make a difference.

He doesn't get his own way from these outbursts, he knows no means no, and when it is over..he usually capitulates, but 1 1/2 hrs of crying/raging is indicative that something is very wrong at 11.

Please believe I am at this point because I have tried so much, have been to parent classes, talked in depth to a child counsellor, parentline, ut HE doesn't follow the guidelines.

I can not physically get an 11 yr old boy out of bed without hurting him and have bee advised not to try. I would have to drag him to school and then we are moving i to different territory.

Yes, I am trapped and frightened of what he is capable of, with good reason, I acknowledge he is very manipulative.
But i HAVE BEEN FIRM, OVERALL CALM AS FAR AS he IS CONCERNED ( i GENERALLY GET PANICKY AND HYSTERICAL ON HERE)(sorry)

For example, he knows he is not allowed orange juice but most days for the last 4 or five years he asks for it. I say no, move on, he still asks. and this is just one thing. He doesn't get it, but will still strop about it. And we go over the same thing a couple of days later.
If I ignore him, we get the mother of all scenes.

I have been a part of raising 4 children, he breaks all rules.

People who know him say what a great litle boy he is, and then generally when they get to know him better say ''ooh, I bet he is hard to handle'

He is Ace. smart funny, intelligant, capable of being very caring but with something very wrong, whether it is medical, clinical or due to home issues. Either way, he needs help because as he gets older, it gets worse. If I sound defensive, I am sorry,.
aAll help and advice is appreciated, and havin the emotional trauma of my marriage falling apart is about as much as I can handle.

BCNS...we do the hugs and love things loads, at every opportunity, and especially when in my head, I least like him, so he at least knows he is loved.

Thanks again. My head feels staighter for offloading, and I realy hope I am not too defensive...

Would he be willing/able to change a behavior (like get out of bed on his own)in return for some orange juice?

Oh TMW I really feel for you. Sounds like you need to get some professional help on your side, as you are right, that is not usual for an 11 year old and such a shame for someone who is obviously a good kid underneath all the stress he is feeling.

I hope you manage to get somewhere with your GP. They are your first port of call. Keep going back until you get somewhere. If they are no good, move to another GP. For both your sake and you DS's sake, you need to see what is causing this so you can find a way through it.

Good luck to you both

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Is it possible that his behaviour towards you has been learned by how he has seen you been treated. Does he treat his sister badly and is part of the issue a gender issue? While you have the responsibility for your children, you are entitled to take charge of them and insist on certain standards on pain of punishment (not physical). Sometimes when you are in the middle of things it is hard to see the wood from the trees but you are entitled to be respected inside your family and, as the main carer, you are also entitled to the last word. Is it possible that you have allowed your ex and ds belittle you?

Will answer new posts shortly, but just a quickie,

Does anyone think a martial art or boxing might help? A centre is opening nearby which I would like to go to for myself, but do they teach youngsters to deal with their aggression?

I certainly don't want him to turn around and deck somebody but it might channel his feelings (and mine).

Yes I do think it might help. Active kids (and adults) tend to be happier and it might help build up a self esteem in him. Maybe this could be and activity you could all do as a family - the martial art.