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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross that my Dad spent his whole vist to me today having a go?

42 replies

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 15:30

Full story so I dont end up AIBU by stealth.

We moved 3 weeks ago, I've put a lot of our stuff away, DH hasn't put anything away other than setting up his PC, the tele and the surround sound. There's a lot of boxes still in the lounge which need putting up in the roof. Today my dad came back from a trip abroad and instead of telling me about it, says "I don't want to have a go but..." and spent the next hour saying how everything was a pigsty (it's not, just some boxes in the lounge), that the wires around were dangerous and just disagreeing with everything I said. Apparantly my DD is too clingy and I should leave her to cry, that my DH is lazy and I should leave him and my net curtains drive him bloody mad.

Tried to explain that the stuff in the lounge needs to go in the loft, and isn't there yet because insulating is taking place. The wires (behind the tele) is a temporary measure until I remember to get some wire clips, and that DD isn't clingy but she is 15 months, hasn't seen him for a month and isn't sure about him. But no, DH works, I'm at home and since I obviously do nothing all day, I should do ALL the unpacking myself. I asked about putting stuff in the loft (can't go up ladders!) and he said fair enough, DH should do that but if he doesn't I should lump it all out in the garden. Um, why?? So it can get soggy and stolen? And then he decided that because my house isn't the perfect show home his is, that my marriage is unhappy! If the only problem is DH not putting some boxes away then I'm doing quite well.

I have asked DH to put stuff in the loft, but he always tells me "later". Didn't think this was grounds for divorce but according to my dad it might just be. DH hasn't put his clothes away yet, and he says that he wants to go thru them and sort out what doesn't isn't wanted any more. Until then, they're in black bags in our bedroom - not the lounge so not sure why that's an issue. Dad told me I should be sorting out for him (I can't decide what DH doesn't want any more, or maybe I should!).

And as for the net curtains? The problem there is they're from the old house, and are a tad too long, so they gather slightly at the bottom and rest on the window sill. New nets not really a top priority for me at the moment when I need a new shower. As he left I was told good luck in sorting out DH. There's a few more little whinges in there (like my lawn needs mowing and everything I say is a lie) but I can't be bothered to write an essay! Am I unreasonable to be cross here? Or is my home meant to be picture perfect lest people get stressed about it? I felt he was just being rude as I wouldn't talk to anyone else like that.

I should just be grateful he didn't harp on about my weight this time. Anything above a 10 is fat. I'm a 16 so you can imagine how he feels about that.

Sorry for the length but I'm really feeling quite got at!

OP posts:

duchesse · 28/05/2009 15:31

Tell him to bugger off and not come back until he can treat you like an adult. Seriously you don't have to put up with this.

CarGirl · 28/05/2009 15:34

I wouldn't be inviting him around again ever in a hurry

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/05/2009 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/05/2009 15:41

Send him round to mine, he can break his neck tripping over my wires.

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 15:43

LOL duchesse at telling him to bugger off. He'd be honestly surprised that I'd taken offense to anything as he's just being honest, and can't imagine that anyone has a different view to him. For some reason he's the only person that I let treat me this way. The only one I can't stand up to. I've tried a couple of times, and I just get ignored because I'm obviously wrong and so not worth talking to until I get it right.

And I NEVER invite him round, he just turns up!

OP posts:

Jux · 28/05/2009 15:46

You moved 3 weeks ago and that's all you really need to do now? You're doing brilliantly! We moved over 3 years ago and still have about 40 boxes of books to unpack, which we can't do until the shelves are put up, which we can't do because there are a lot of few other boxes which need unpacking in the way, which can't be unpacked until we've made space for what's in them by unpacking the boxes of books.......

bigchris · 28/05/2009 15:46

why didn't he offer to help you put the stuff in the loft?!!

CarGirl · 28/05/2009 15:47

Perhaps you should say something along the lines "if you can't say anything nice then let yourself out"

BitOfFun · 28/05/2009 15:53

People like that always say they're just being honest...as if every nice pleasant person is actually lying through their stinking duplicitous teeth- er, no, they just aren't as RUDE as you mate!

What an old biddy he sounds. I'd laugh, I'm afraid.

RedCharityBonney · 28/05/2009 15:53

bigchris you spoke my thought aloud ...

bluenosebear he's a bully, not to mention a miserable old twunt. I'd pretend to be out next time!!

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 15:59

Bigchris - I didn't get him to help as he'd only go thru the other rooms of my house no doubt making sarcastic comments about my nets.

And being out doesn't work, he rings the housephone and I've got no caller ID, and peers through the windows.

Blimey, I'm making him out to be really bad, but this is the first time he's upset me to this degree. Normally it's just a few jibes about my weight and telling me how well for themselves other people are doing. I don't point out they're all childless.

OP posts:

helsbels4 · 28/05/2009 15:59

There's being honest and there's being totally disrespectful and tactless!

It sounds to me as if he has issues with your dh and maybe doesn't like him that much.

Whilst he sounds a grumy old git concerned father, maybe he has a point about dh not pulling his weight around the new home?

I would go to his home and point out anything I could tbh

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 16:03

Hels, that's the thing, he loves my DH. He knows how much he loves me and we've been through a lot together and really they get on so suggesting a split really surprised me! I see what you mean about DH not pulling his weight, but he has been doing "odd jobs" around that need doing.

I hate it when people try to use honesty as an excuse for being hurtful.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 28/05/2009 16:03

Well in that case why didn't he get off his arse and help you?

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 16:05

And going to his home crossed my mind, but it's pristine. His DW doesn't work and all she does is housework and cook. The same is expected of me. This is why their house is always perfect. It's actually uncomfortable going round there because it feels like you're messing up the place just sitting down.

OP posts:

Niecie · 28/05/2009 16:07

bluenosebear, are we long lost sisters?! That is just the sort of thing my father would do and say.

I think you should say tell him you think he is an interfering, unreasonable, rude old man and that you're not having a go, just being honest.

pjmama · 28/05/2009 16:22

Tell him you love having him come to visit, but you can do without the earache over matters which are frankly none of his business anyway! Is he bored and lonely perhaps? Could explain why he seems to feel the need to pick at you? Or does he think he just needs to look out for you because he's your Dad? Perhaps he just needs some reassurance that you still love him, but you're a big girl now and just want to spend time with him without feeling judged.

helsbels4 · 28/05/2009 16:24

Ooh it really annoys me when parents/older relatives have pristine houses/gardens and comment when yours isn't up to their standards! Dh's mum is always suggesting we do things to our garden (hers is beautiful) and it makes me wild! Was it so long ago that they had children that they really can't remember you have other priorities?

Maybe your dad was just in a bad mood but I'd be suprised if he said things like that just on a whim. They must have been brewing within him surely?

I think I would have to tell him that if he can't say anything nice and polite then not to say anything at all

LovelyTinOfSpam · 28/05/2009 16:44

Pffff dads. They're all the same.

Next time try and stand up to the old sod.

Both my parents have strong tendancies in this direction, but I just started saying "actually i think that was quite a nasty thing to say" and they seem to have calmed down. I still sense them thinking it though. And I still justify myself "come in do you want a cup of tea oh dear sorry about the mess I hoovered yesterday but then DD came in with her wellies and I haven't got round to sorting it out and... Oh I meant to put that away Is that still out, sorry about that" and blether on for ages.

I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut

Worriedunfortunately · 28/05/2009 16:55

Lovelytinofspam - you are me. My Dad does this all the time 'Why havent you mowed the lawn?' 'Why havent you got any kitchen roll?' 'Why havent you washed up?' etc etc, and then I start justifying myself..

'I've done lots of hours at work, DD was playing up' etc, and he then says 'You are just making excuses'! I feel about 4!!

Must learn to tell him to bog off but have been trying for 33 years and can't...

LovelyTinOfSpam · 28/05/2009 17:04

We all need to learn how to confidently just keep our mouths shut

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 17:04

PJmama I understand what you're saying about being bored and lonely, but he's not. He's not retired, is married, goes on holiday with family or friends 4/5 times a year and has an active social life. He's never been big on displays of affection, just the odd "love ya".

LovelyTinOfSpam (great name) I know what you mean about keeping mouth shut! You know you don't have to justify yourself but it's like someone else takes over and removes all your cleverness.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluenosebear · 28/05/2009 17:10

AND I forgot to mention -

He came in with chocolate cake in a packet, showed it to my DD going "I've got something for you". Let her play with it, then took it away (hence part of the reason for her crying and being branded clingy), started to eat it going "Oh but you can't have any!" I said that she could, so he tore off the tiniest bit with no chocolate on . Yes I give my 15mo chocolate cake, but only as a treat. She still knows what chocolate is, and looked a really dissapointed at being teased like that, so when he'd gone I gave her a little chocolate I had in the cupboard.

OP posts:

meemar · 28/05/2009 17:18

omg! How pathetic is that?

If he makes himself feel big by putting you down and teasing a baby like that then I would spend as little time as possible with him. His behaviour is not acceptable and you don't have to put up with it.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 28/05/2009 17:22

That business with the cake and the baby makes him sound worse than an old sod TBH.

That's really mean. And really strange.

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