to be cross that my Dad spent his whole vist to me today having a go?

[bluenosebear]

Full story so I dont end up AIBU by stealth.

We moved 3 weeks ago, I've put a lot of our stuff away, DH hasn't put anything away other than setting up his PC, the tele and the surround sound. There's a lot of boxes still in the lounge which need putting up in the roof. Today my dad came back from a trip abroad and instead of telling me about it, says "I don't want to have a go but..." and spent the next hour saying how everything was a pigsty (it's not, just some boxes in the lounge), that the wires around were dangerous and just disagreeing with everything I said. Apparantly my DD is too clingy and I should leave her to cry, that my DH is lazy and I should leave him and my net curtains drive him bloody mad.

Tried to explain that the stuff in the lounge needs to go in the loft, and isn't there yet because insulating is taking place. The wires (behind the tele) is a temporary measure until I remember to get some wire clips, and that DD isn't clingy but she is 15 months, hasn't seen him for a month and isn't sure about him. But no, DH works, I'm at home and since I obviously do nothing all day, I should do ALL the unpacking myself. I asked about putting stuff in the loft (can't go up ladders!) and he said fair enough, DH should do that but if he doesn't I should lump it all out in the garden. Um, why?? So it can get soggy and stolen? And then he decided that because my house isn't the perfect show home his is, that my marriage is unhappy! If the only problem is DH not putting some boxes away then I'm doing quite well.

I have asked DH to put stuff in the loft, but he always tells me "later". Didn't think this was grounds for divorce but according to my dad it might just be. DH hasn't put his clothes away yet, and he says that he wants to go thru them and sort out what doesn't isn't wanted any more. Until then, they're in black bags in our bedroom - not the lounge so not sure why that's an issue. Dad told me I should be sorting out for him (I can't decide what DH doesn't want any more, or maybe I should!).

And as for the net curtains? The problem there is they're from the old house, and are a tad too long, so they gather slightly at the bottom and rest on the window sill. New nets not really a top priority for me at the moment when I need a new shower. As he left I was told good luck in sorting out DH. There's a few more little whinges in there (like my lawn needs mowing and everything I say is a lie) but I can't be bothered to write an essay! Am I unreasonable to be cross here? Or is my home meant to be picture perfect lest people get stressed about it? I felt he was just being rude as I wouldn't talk to anyone else like that.

I should just be grateful he didn't harp on about my weight this time. Anything above a 10 is fat. I'm a 16 so you can imagine how he feels about that.

Sorry for the length but I'm really feeling quite got at!

Cross? I think I'd be ballistic!
Why not think of a few stock phrases to trot out when he gets going?

What about - Let me show you where the mower is, Dad.

Get loads of cakes in and next time he comes rouond sit there eating them with DD and don't offer him any.

Well in that case it just sounds like he's an interfering, judgmental old git and you should tell him to keep his nose out!

Thanks all, I was feeling really down and that I was out of order for not having a perfect house but you've all made me smile with some of the things you've said, especially showing him where the mower is LOL.

It's one thing to criticise yours and dh's "housekeeping skills" but to tease your dd like that? Wtf?

Does he get off on power and making people feel crap or something?

That bothers me tbh

Glad he didn't come to visit me we're in our house 3 years and only put the last of the boxes in the attic 3 weeks ago and thats because we were decorating for a party
(actually there might be a box of crap precious things in the garage still)

My parents are like this - which is why we don't have contact with them anymore. It took me years to reach a point where I finally told them "If you can't be pleasant, you can leave." Since we no longer communicate, I can only assume they find it too difficult to be pleasant.

Why did he show your DD the cake then take it away. If he does that again ask him outright - WTF do you think you're doing? You will give her some now.

You can always turn it around and talk to him like he's the child - when your under my roof, you'll abide my my rules etc etc. I love doing that to my parents!

And as for the other comments, let him go on for a few minutes, then look at him and ask have you quite done? Would you like to say anything nice now? If nopt you know where the door is, i've got better things to do than listen to you having a go.

Stand up for yourself, go on you know you can do it!

Triggles how long have you not spoke to your parents?

bluenosebear I say stand up to him aswell, BUT be prepared for the consequences my father hasn't spoke to me in 2.6 years, since I told him he can't just say what he likes about things!
Some people don't like being told what to do by anybody esp their children

OP, do you have any siblings and if so, is your dad like this with them?

Hels, I have a step brother but he and his wife are perfect apparantly.

Plum, you think my dad might stop talking to me if I stand up to him? PROMISE? ;)

I'm going to be charitable and hope this is a one off. If not I will stand up to him and brave the results. Thing is, if he decides I'm wrong, it will just be ignored and not spoken about. He will still call and visit as normal but just avoid the issues as I can't be reasoned with.

DH is unimpressed.

"When I think it is any of your business I assure you, you'll be the first to know" is a good stock phrase I find. You can either say it in a joking-but-serious-too way, or in a serious-and-willing-to-follow-through-with-a-slap way, depending on the severity of the situation.

Here's what I did with my critical significant elder (pay attention now, because the effects have been truly ace).

When something mean was said, I said, "It makes me feel upset when you say mean things like that."

repeat a few times.

Then graduate to - "I have told you that when you say things like that it makes me feel upset. So I can only assume that you are still saying things like that because you KNOW it upsets me."

Leaves the other person with three choices by way of response

1. outright cruelty, which has by now been exposed for what it is
2. pissing right off
3. civility.

It is horrible to have someone picking at you all the time, I know. It really wears away at your ability to trust yourself, which is clearly something that's hard for you.

Trust yourself! If he walks, talks and plays chocolate cake games like a tosspot, then he IS a tosspot.

If your dad thinks that your step-brother is perfect, (I'm assuming that's his wife's son?) then do you think your dad's wife has put these thoughts into his head? Especially as you said your dad usually gets on well with your dh.

Being cruel to your dd with the chocolate is something else but perhaps he though he was being funny

Yes, his wifes son. I don't know if she's put things into his head. She can be a bit odd, nasty even and I don't think she realises as she hates people who are tactless and mean.

It's very odd, especially if he's acting out of character. See how he is next time and if he's the same then I think you need to confront him about it and ask him why it bothers him so much about your weight/state of the house/what dd eats etc?

Plum - well over a year at this point - although it has been pretty dodgy for the last 5 years. I will say it is much less stressful for me this way. They didn't like me saying that "obviously me being happy just isn't good enough" for them.