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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really disappointed that my best friend has kept her distance since my mum died

44 replies

mulranno · 27/05/2009 17:56

I lost my lovely mum (63) very quickly and brutally to cancer a few months ago. My best friend came to the funeral, shared a weekend away (under duress) with other girl friends a few months later and now I never hear from her. She knew my Mum really well and knows that this was particularly devastating for our family (our dad died when we were toddlers and we also have a teenage brother to support. The only contact she made after the funeral was a jokey text. I am hurt and sad but worried that I am loosing perspective and bitter with grief. AIBU?

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/05/2009 17:58

Perhaps she doesn't know what to say to you?

I felt nervous going to sil after she lost her son. What can you say/do to make things any better?

Why not phone her and see how she responds?

mrsruffallo · 27/05/2009 17:59

Of course you are not BU. I agree, ring her and tell her how you feel. It's honestly better than speculating

Nettee · 27/05/2009 18:00

Some people just find grief really hard to deal with. A bit rubbish if she is supposed to be your best friend but you might find that if you want to stay her friend you will just have to avoid the subject and carry on on a superficial jokey level. Sounds like it will be difficult for your relationship to go back to the way it was though. Sorry about your mum - hope your other friends are rallying around and that you have some good support out there

Podrick · 27/05/2009 18:02

if she has not lost a prent herself perhaps she has no real concept of how devastating it is and how you would like a bf to be in the circumstances?

Perhaps she has a lot of problems herself and doesn't want to burden you with them?

I think you should talk/ make some time together - and there is no reason why it couldn't be you to initiate this is there?

DrNortherner · 27/05/2009 18:03

So sorry about your Mum.

My Dad died suddennly 5 weeks ago and my best friend has been amazing, but some people who I considered good friends have stayed away - no phone calls, only texts. I think it's true that some people do not know what to say/do, but if it was my best friend I would be so upset, I don't know if I could forgive her for not being there.

I have no advice on how you can move this on, but just wanted to say I don't think you are bitter with grief and your feelings are totally normal.

Podrick · 27/05/2009 18:03

Also I am very very sorry for your sad loss mulranno

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2009 18:04

agree maybe she didnt know what to say

so sorry for your loss mulranno

DrNortherner · 27/05/2009 18:04

I must also add, that being recently bereaved myself it is insane to wait for the bereaved person to make contact. It feels like walking tghrough treacle every single day and you can't think straight. People areound you need to take care of you, it should not be up to you to call her, at all. But that is just me.

Do you have other people supporting you mulranno?

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 18:04

I am sorry for your loss.

If you want to get your friendship back I think you need to talk to her.

It is hard to know what to say when someone loses a loved one but it isn't a good enough excuse tbh.

MIAonline · 27/05/2009 18:13

I am so sorry that through such an horrendous time in your life that you have not been able to rely on your best friend for support. I can only say that it depends on what she has been like up until now, if she has always been a bit of a fair weather friend then this has proved it, or like others have posted, perhaps she just doesn't know what to say. Though I don't think for one minute this excuses her as she should be putting you first.

Having been through a very difficult time last year, it is amazing to see how different people react, it gave me a good perspective on who I really could count on and I haven't forgotten who was (and wasn't) there for me. Hopefully, like me, you have also been surprised that support came from those that you least expected.
I sincerely hope so, and in the meantime, phone or send your friend a message asking why she hasn't been in touch. This will eat away at your friendship anyway (ime) and you are better getting it off your chest.

travellingwilbury · 27/05/2009 18:18

I am so sorry to hear about your mum mulrano . I do know what other people are saying about her maybe not knowing what to say or not being able to cope with you grieving but I do think she should be supporting you . I also agree with DrNortherner that it shouldn't be up to you to regain contact . Do you have a mutual friend who could speak to her and tell her how bad you are feeling and that you miss her ?

I think it is a bit of a cop out to say other people can't cope with peoples grief . It would be nice to have the choice , and the person grieving doesn't have that .

Original poster
mulranno · 27/05/2009 18:46

I am worried that the grief bores her. The weekend away was the first time we had met since the funeral. I did a lot of blubbing and talking as there was so much to say and unravel about my mothers short but intense illness and rapid death. Maybe it frightened her? maybe she thinks I will be like this every time we talk,,,but its not like that as I basically dropped out of real life to nurse my mum for a few months and when i see people for the first time i talk it through...but it isnt the topic of conversation next time we meet. My other friends have been great. I do feel bitter that my life has imploded, I am in deep grief and I have not heard from her since the weekend away. Also I really dont feel like bringing it up... havent the energy. We have always holidayed together every summer...worried that she has avoided me as she thinks she would have a miserable time with a grieving friend....but I am not like that

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 27/05/2009 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

travellingwilbury · 27/05/2009 19:01

I know what you mean mulrano , and I hope she isn't having these thoughts most people wouldn't . Do you think maybe is something going on in her life that is taking up her time and maybe she doesn't want to talk to you because it maybe seems irrelavant when you are grieving .

I presume she has always been a good friend otherwise ?

travellingwilbury · 27/05/2009 19:02

that is a lot of maybes sorry

trying to do this and put two boys to bed .

Winetimeisfinetime · 27/05/2009 19:03

I'm so sorry to hear anout your mum, mulranno.

I have had a very similar situation with my closest friend after my db died last November. I understand exactly how you feel about not having the emotional energy to try and sort it out with her at the minute and how realising your friend isn't who you thought she was adds to the awful sense of loss.

I understand that people don't know what to say but surely a real friend would tell you that they were finding it hard rather than just cutting you off.

I would be happy with an occasional text from ny friend just to see if I was OK but I haven't heard from her for months now. It just feels like another loss.

Original poster
mulranno · 27/05/2009 19:33

yes i wtift...I think that i am grieving the lost or absence of this friendship also. i try hard not to bleat on and would be really pleased if we just talked about other stuff..this is aonther role for agood friend also. i think i would find it hard to bring it up...worried she would think that i am a mad emottional wreck and scare her off. she is a very kind person, a gp so in the caring profession...maybe it is too painful for her to deal with. My aunt my mums sister has been the same...really close to my mum and all of us she has just departed from our lives. we were very much defined by the tragedy of our childhood and maybe people find it hard to watch our second bout of bad luck

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 27/05/2009 19:38

I am very sorry for your loss. I think that she just can't deal with it, she doesn't know what to say and so she takes the easy way out. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 27/05/2009 19:44

oh mulranno how disappointing for you. Not quite the same, but when it became apparent that ds1 was disabled a few people were never seen again. (Too embarrassed I guess).

It's really hard at the time, although I think a few years down the line it sorts itself out. Either the friendship goes (in which case a few years down the line you don't mind so much) or somewhere it picks up again.

It's so common and so awful. But also outside your control. It's not up to you to do anything really other than look after yourself at the moment. I hope you are getting good support elsewhere.

Gorionine · 27/05/2009 19:48

Mulrano , I am very sorry for your loss.

A few years ago, a girl I new lost her mother suddenly. I was dreading seeing her at the funeral because I really did not know what to tell her. In the end I got to the funeral and went to see her after the ceremony. The only thing I could tell her was that I was thinking of her and I then busted into tears. I thought she would hate me for that (crying while she was so strong herself) she actually was greatful because like yourself she felt people were avoiding her. I am now so glad I actually went because I think had I not gone I would probably be so ashamed of myself I wold probably never have dared facing her after that! I think it did make us become real friends rather that just aquaintances.

She has since passed away herself and remembering her with your thread is making me very emotional, but in a good way, very hard to explain.

seriouscase · 27/05/2009 19:55

So sorry about your mum. I think what you are going through is really common. I also think that personal experience can really affect the way that you deal with these situations. About seven years ago I was not any help to someone in my life but after things I have been through in the last 2/3 years I would have no hesitation in picking up the phone. I know however useless or helpless I would feel about what to say, doing or saying something is better than nothing.
A good friend of mine has completely blanked my father's death, only once mentioning it in passing conversation . I suppose what it comes down to is everyone is different. But that can be hard to take if you support others but don't get support back.

seriouscase · 27/05/2009 19:57

Oh Gorionine, sorry about your friend. x

Original poster
mulranno · 27/05/2009 20:06

Maybe I wore her out...I rang her every week that my mum was in hospital (8 weeks) to discuss the medical stuff...as she is a gp...she was very supportive and helpful with information. Although she did say something weird to me on the weekend away...she apologised for always being hopeful when I had called to say this had happened or that had collapsed etc...maybe she is embarrassed or not confident? I dont really feel angry or hard done by just lonely...bereft of my mum and my best friend

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 27/05/2009 20:14

Has she ever had any sadness in her life? Anything bad happen to her? When ds1 was diagnosed I found the people who had experienced life a bit so much more helpful than those who had never experienced any sort of loss. When my friend lost her child she said she found me and a relative (who also had a disabled child) easy to talk to because we understood a little of her loss. Friend's who stuck by me when ds1 was diagnosed included those who had been bereaved

GreatUncleBulgaria · 27/05/2009 20:14

So sorry about your Mum. A friend of mine has been round today in bits as the consultant was very honest with her and her DH about his cancer prognosis, he was the first medical person they have seen who has been. He was saying a lot of his colleagues aren't very truthful with patients about what they can expect but he prefers to be - he said that if he wasn't, my friend would still have hope and would cling onto that when she needed to be sorting things, or something along those lines.

I wonder from what your friend said about hope, whether she feels guilty for not being more honest with you about what what she knew was going to happen and doesn't quite know how to deal with it so is staying away.

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