to be really disappointed that my best friend has kept her distance since my mum died

[mulranno]

I lost my lovely mum (63) very quickly and brutally to cancer a few months ago. My best friend came to the funeral, shared a weekend away (under duress) with other girl friends a few months later and now I never hear from her. She knew my Mum really well and knows that this was particularly devastating for our family (our dad died when we were toddlers and we also have a teenage brother to support. The only contact she made after the funeral was a jokey text. I am hurt and sad but worried that I am loosing perspective and bitter with grief. AIBU?

YANBU

I'm really sorry about losing your mum
xx

saintly no she has not had a real personal hit yet - but we will all loose our mums it just has happened to me now, untimely and brutally she is really close to her own mother and family so maybe like my aunt finds it too painful to watch our grief...imagining herself in my shoes one day.

So sorry about your terrible loss Mulranno.
here is a strange thought - you mentioned your friend is a GP. She must have to deal with death and terminal illness a lot on a daily basis in her work.
Maybe she has set up a coping mechanism for that in daily life, but seeing it at such close quarters in her personal life may have thrown her?
Maybe she feels angry and confused even about her failure to "be there" for you in the aftermath of your loss, when words can be so difficult to find.
I lost my mum seven years ago to cancer and my best friend spent the time chatting about her boyfriend problems - shocking as it sounds!
She simply could not cope. It was not great, to say the least, but friendships can "change gear" for a while and then come back on stream later if you are prepared to forgive her.

You are not at all unreasonable Mulranno. I have had a very similar situation since my parents died a three months ago. People that I thought would be there for me have barely called me and now seem to think that I should be getting on with life. I have gained the most support from here, from people I have never met.

I don't know what I expected, but I know what I want. I want/ed people to not just offer, but to do. Plenty of people said, "If you need me to look after DD for an hour, just call", but no-one said, "I'm coming over on X to take DD to the park for an hour, so that you can sleep/cry/look at photos". I don't know. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I'm selfish. I guess for people not intimately involved, three months is a life-time, but it is still so raw.

I don't know if this is a poor reflection on me or what, but it makes me feel crap.

Sorry - I meant to sympathise with you, but I've bleated,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a very difficult time for you.

I am also sorry that your best friend has not provided the support you would have thought she might.

I would echo what has already been said by others on this thread.

Your friends reaction is a result of a lot of things, her own life experience, her job as a GP and her own issues with possible loss previously and in the future.

Many people find talking about death and dying very difficult. Because they do not know what to say or how to say it they say nothing. This is so awful for the bereaved person. But is no reflection on you at all.

Have you considered making contact with your friend? Perhaps she is feeling bad about not contacting you now and because so much time has passed does not know what to say? This would be an opportunity for her to support you. If she does not then at least you know where you are rather than being left wondering?

As you have said you are grieving for the loss of your mum and the loss of your friend.

My thoughts are with you at the moment and although you will always miss your mum, you will begin to feel more positive as time goes by I am sure.

I hope your friend is able to offer some support for you. It sounds like other friends have shown themselves to be worthy of your friendship.

All the best.....

LilRedWG ... I agree people should just do...one of my neighbours has made a dish nearly every month...it is so kind....Chunkalula ...you might have something there...I was going to post that I was uncomfortable with how she spoke with me...she said things like "as I said...it will take 3 years to get over it..."...I kind of felt like a text book case ...not her real life friend who lost her Dad 30 years ago ... so knows about grief in real life and not a study...thought I was being petty and over sensitive... but she may well be in Dr/Professional mode...because it makes her feel comfortable and she believes that she can help me beast this way or else she is just so traumatised from this she needs to protect herself...she has been intimately involved with my mother and sisters for years..sharing holidays, extended family celebrstions etc

Sorry our posts crossed.

Was just wondering whether your friend is grieving for the loss of your mum as well as she was so initmately involved with your family?

Sorry to hear of your loss, mulranno.

My dad died 14 months ago and I was struck then by how support can come from the most unexpected places and those who you rely on can let you down.
In the months following dad's death, I came to realise that three good friends had been conspicuous by their absence around the time of his death, or by their ill-timed 'support' (such as phoning on the night after the funeral to say they'd be round to help with the funeral buffet in the morning so helpful).
My sister's friend (who most of the family had disliked for years) truly came through for us, she was such a support.
It is difficult to have to reappraise your friendships as well as reappraise this different life you have after your loss.
My advice is to talk to her, there may be some huge reason behind this that you could understand.
Lil, I can appreciate your feelings exactly. You are still in the early days. For me, all the nitty gritty bits are slwoing dimming and leaving me with fond memories of the good times.

Sorry to hear of your loss, mulranno.

My dad died 14 months ago and I was struck then by how support can come from the most unexpected places and those who you rely on can let you down.
In the months following dad's death, I came to realise that three good friends had been conspicuous by their absence around the time of his death, or by their ill-timed 'support' (such as phoning on the night after the funeral to say they'd be round to help with the funeral buffet in the morning so helpful).
My sister's friend (who most of the family had disliked for years) truly came through for us, she was such a support.
It is difficult to have to reappraise your friendships as well as reappraise this different life you have after your loss.
My advice is to talk to her, there may be some huge reason behind this that you could understand.
Lil, I can appreciate your feelings exactly. You are still in the early days. For me, all the nitty gritty bits are slwoing dimming and leaving me with fond memories of the good times.

I agree she would be grieving the loss of my Mum too. It is hard when everyone is hurting. think I will just tick along and wait for us all to fall into line again. I look back on friends who were bereaved and didnt really appreciate what they weere living thru until now. All I would say is just listen occassionally, and do something now and then...try and remember not to send christmas cards 3 weeks after someone has buried their Mum saying have a fab Christmas

Sorry for your loss mulranno, it must still be very raw for you.

I agree with springlamb. When grieving, try and accept support from whichever direction it is offered. It's better not to wish for support from people who are clearly incapable of understanding as you'll tie yourself in knots - you are the one who will be hurt by ruminating about it.

People respond differently to different kinds of bereavement, too. After my Dad was killed one close friend in particular didn't do any of the things I hoped she would (and I am aware of my sense of entitlement in saying that!). She phoned on the morning of the funeral and said she couldn't come because the traffic was gridlocked. I was only just holding things together but managed to reply "Don't worry, please don't feel bad about it" and she snapped at me "Why on earth should I feel bad about it, it's not my fault." - nearly a decade later, feelings are less raw and I can see that she simply had no idea, and why would she? She was just stuck in traffic on a hot day and feeling rubbish. It just happened to co-incide with a devastating time for me.

After my late miscarriage a few years back I was completely astonished again at how thoughtless some people were (some of whom had been a great support after Dad died), and how surprisingly kind others were (thinking in particular of an aunt I'd never been close to but who suddenly appeared when I was really struggling and offered me such unconditional support and reassurance).

Take care of yourself and accept support that you feel comfortable with. You are not being at all unreasonable in hoping for better from your friend, but as you are probably finding day by day, there is no instruction manual for bereavement and even if there were, everyone would need one individually tailored to themselves.

Thanks everyone. This has really helped. Is seems it is really common for the bereaved to experience this. I was getting paranoid worried that I was imagining it. But I just need to let it go. I was worried that our friendship would be over. I will not hold it against her -- she either has no idea or is coping with other stuff or doesnt want to face it. I will get in touch when I have a more positive moment. But I cant be bothered to bring it up....but I will not ruminate on it

Thanks everyone. This has really helped. Is seems it is really common for the bereaved to experience this. I was getting paranoid worried that I was imagining it. But I just need to let it go. I was worried that our friendship would be over. I will not hold it against her -- she either has no idea or is coping with other stuff or doesnt want to face it. I will get in touch when I have a more positive moment. But I cant be bothered to bring it up....but I will not ruminate on it

Thanks everyone. This has really helped. Is seems it is really common for the bereaved to experience this. I was getting paranoid worried that I was imagining it. But I just need to let it go. I was worried that our friendship would be over. I will not hold it against her -- she either has no idea or is coping with other stuff or doesnt want to face it. I will get in touch when I have a more positive moment. But I cant be bothered to bring it up....but I will not ruminate on it

Hi, I lost my mum 6 months ago, I was 19. I have experienced both sides, people have been amazing and my best friends have helped me so much.

On the other hand, both myself and my Dad have experienced nothing from others, some who were my Mums closest friends, so I completely relate to what you are experiencing with your best friend. Have no advice really, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Sorry for your loss x x

My friend reacted a bit like this when another of our friend's mum died about 3 years ago. 18 months later she tragically lost her DH and she said she honestly never knew how to cope with other people's grief before so she just shut it out. Its only since she lost her DH does she know how important is to be there for people and how the small things can make such a difference.

I am not saying your best friend is in the right but perhaps she really just doesn't know how to deal with you and your grief. Despite the fact she is a GP, perhaps this is the closest she has ever come to personal bereavement. HAve you thought about writing her a letter to tell her how you feel. The thing is to not make it an attack and just explain how much you need her and that you miss her. It might be easier to express yourself.

I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your father and your mother mulranno.

mulranno Glad it has been helpful for you. I think your ability to be so reflective at a time like this speaks volumes about your strength of character. You'll be fine.

here have a hug and a smiley face too, whyever not?

I am so sorry about your mum mulranno

Some people are scared of grief. They dont want to have to think about another person's misery incase it cramps their style. Or they are just not strong enough to deal with another's pain.

It doesnt make them bad people but it is very disapointing and hurtful if your best friend turns out to be one of them.

My circle of friends is much smaller since my DD died.

Your friendship may well recover when she feels its safe to get close again. This may be difficult for you but its up to you whether you think she is worth it.

I agree with other posters who say it shouldnt be up to you to chase this woman. YOU are the one who needs to be cared for and consoled.

I cant tell you the amount of times I had to comfort a 'friend' when they learnt of DD's death. I would be the one telling them 'sorry, I didnt mean to upset you' etc as they sobbed on my shoulder.

I hope you get the support you need and deserve.