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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to make peace with MIL

42 replies

forehead · 27/05/2009 16:28

I'll try to keep this post as short as possible. The problem is i cannot abide my MIL. She is the most evil person i have ever had the misfortune to meet. Before i married my DH i hardly ever saw her and on the rare occasions that we met she was always quite pleasant. All this changed when myself and dh decided to get married. The monster emerged from this woman. She told anyone that would listen that i was after her son's money ( this was ironic since i was financially supporting her son as his business was in trouble). She told my own relations at my wedding that i was a woman of loose morals, Which is a joke since her son was the only man i had ever slept with. Despite her behaviour i tried to tolerate her for the sake of my dh. The last straw however was when she questioned the paternity of my ds at his christening. I was mortified and decided to cut off all contact with her. That was two years ago and tbh was the best thing to do. I refused to allow her to see my DC's because she is such an odious person. By the way she hasn't changed and is telling people how evil i am for depriving her of her grandchildren. Anyway ,she has decided that she wants to make peace. TBH i don't trust the old witch. My husband can understand why i don't want any contact with his mother , he also believes that she is evil but is being pressurized by his father to make peace.
AIBU not to want any contact with this woman. By the way she has done so many awful things to me ,there is no time to list them.

OP posts:
violethill · 27/05/2009 16:32

She's clearly mad!

YANBU to give a very wide berth!!

NappyStack · 27/05/2009 16:33

Maybe allow some contact but on a very limited basis and keep kids away at first. See if she can keep up at being nice - if she is only saying she wants to make peace so she can see the kids she'll soon slip up into her old ways and you can walk away from it knowing leopards never change their spots.

If she maintains a decent relationship with you and dh then reintroduce the kids to her when you feel ready?

womma · 27/05/2009 16:34

Oh love! Not sure what to advise here, but you've certainly got grounds to not want to establish contact. Does your FIL know what she's said and done, if he's putting pressure on you and DH?
Sounds like the only place to bury the hatchet is in this woman's head!
Sorry you've had to put up with this xxx

MIAonline · 27/05/2009 16:38

If you and your DH are both in agreement then don't allow yourselves to be pressurised by your Fil. MiL sounds a complete nightmare n you are better off not reintroducing back in your life.

Heated · 27/05/2009 16:39

Only if she's on her way out!

Since she has not apologised for her appalling behaviour, I'd be reluctant and v wary that this leopard has changed its spots. If you were minded to let her see the dcs, as with offenders, closely supervised access.

VinoEsmeralda · 27/05/2009 16:40

Will follow this thread with interest as I think my MIL is going to do something similar but wont want to make peace but wants me to be nice to her for the good of the family as they'd like to say.

My answer & question would be (to your MIL): Why does she wants to make peace now? Nothing in it for me other then feeling uncomfortable and the only one that potentially gains is her.

Original poster
forehead · 27/05/2009 16:43

FIL knows what she is like but is terrified of her. By the way she wants me to apologise to her. Can you believe the gall of this woman?

OP posts:
pipsqueak · 27/05/2009 16:45

defineitely dont apologise - that is outrageous . can you not ask why she wants to see your dc as she doesnt believe they reher sons??? bloddy cheek of it! on your behalf!!

slushy06 · 27/05/2009 16:46

I wouldn't make peace unless she had the guts to come and say sorry to my face and tell me she wants to get to know her grandchildren. She certainly had the guts and gall to say all those other horrid things. I wouldn't like her using your fil to guilt trip you either that would make me think she has not changed and is not sorry.

pipsqueak · 27/05/2009 16:46

sorry about spelling - too impatient to check!

Heated · 27/05/2009 16:48

YOU APOLOGISE TO HER! In that case no, no, no, she'll only cause heartache and trouble again, but this time involving the dcs.

slushy06 · 27/05/2009 16:52

I certainly wouldn't say sorry to her and I would tell your fil to grow a spine.

ChippingIn · 27/05/2009 16:52

I so understand where you are coming from!! I used to have a MIL like this (a large factor in the Ex being an Ex actually, as he wasn't supportive like your DH). I tried everything with her and nothing worked.
She was honestly the most evil person I have ever met.

However, my Ex MIL is not your MIL and you still have to deal with this (and possibly for quite a few years yet), so...

A few questions I think you need to ask yourself before deciding what to do next:

How do you feel about your FIL?

How much is this hurting your DH?

Would they make good Grandparents (even though they are shite IL's)?

Original poster
forehead · 27/05/2009 16:54

She doesn't like me. I am past caring tbh, it is just that my dh is sad about the situation as MIL is telling him that what i am doing is killing her. My MIL is so bad that my dsis says that she will only marry an
orphan.

OP posts:
womma · 27/05/2009 16:54

I wouldn't touch this request to make up with a barge-pole, especially if she's thinking she's the wronged party here!
I know it's very difficult, but she's obviously got a skewed idea of what's happened, to say the least. Making peace for the sake of the family will only lead to more trouble and heartache. My advice is definitely to leave it where it is and ask them to leave you alone in future.

slushy06 · 27/05/2009 16:59

Tell dh you are not doing anything to her she has done it to herself. If she said sorry and had in the past awarded you a tiny amount of respect none of this would have happened. Point out to him it cant be that important to her if she is unwilling to see her grandkids without an apology. My pride would never come between me and someone I love.

roneef · 27/05/2009 17:01

I feel your pain...

What an awful situation to be in. Hope you work it out.

Original poster
forehead · 27/05/2009 17:04

FIL is a nice man ,but is spineless. This is upsetting my dh but i really really cannot abide MiL Even the mere sight of her annoys me. I don't believe she would be a good grandparent judging by the way she treats her other GC. I truly believe that she hates being ignored by me as i refuse to get involved in a slanging match with her.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 17:08

Is there anyway at all you could see you having a good relationship with her?

Original poster
forehead · 27/05/2009 17:11

I can honestly say that i can never have a relationship with this woman.

OP posts:
slushy06 · 27/05/2009 17:11

My mil is similar she has questioned my morals and openly said at christening that this was a waste of money, I have not cut ties with her I am waiting for dp to do it himself. I am slowly conceding that he never will so I get why you are upset it hurts your dh. I would draw the line at question of my sons paternity though and I wouldn't tell her I was sorry. I would have a good think and bear in mind that if you back down she will not be nicer and you are always going to have to bite your tongue to keep the peace. I hate it when I keep my mouth shut as I get annoyed with me for being spineless.

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 17:13

Then do and say nothing.

VinoEsmeralda · 27/05/2009 17:14

She is probably not interested in seeing you but only in seeing her GC, would it be an option to let DH take them on a Sunday afternoon for a few hours every fortnight. Only supervised by DH and if she ever mentioned you in a bad light to the DC thats the end of it?

That way you keep FIL/MIL and DH happy and you will have time to yourself? This is the agreement DH and I have reached regarding my IL's.

Not ideal but as I explained to my MIL, she has a good relationship with her son and she should be able to see the GC (also in their interest IF she behave appropriate)but none with me, too much has been said and done in the past that cant be reversed.

Also dont forget you have all the cards and she has none.

MIAonline · 27/05/2009 17:15

If you already see that she is not a good grandparent from the way she treats her other GC, then I am doubly sure you shouldn't have any more to do with her and your original decision was the wise one.

You will kick yourself if you let her back in and she inflicts the nastiness that she causes you onto your children. The pain she has caused you will be tripled, when you see her act badly towards your children.

oneplusone · 27/05/2009 17:20

I can totally sympathise. I have just had enough of my MIL's snidey, bitchy, catty, critical comments after 9 years of keeping my mouth shut and not saying a word to her in retaliation. My MIL had an opportunity last year to apologise to me, she didn't take it. I tolerated her for another year but now I have had enough. DH phoned her a week ago and told her she has been behaving like a bully towards me, that she had completely and utterly overstepped the mark on many occasions and that I had had enough of her and would not be seeing her again for the forseeable future.

However, in my case the DC's have an established relationship with her and I can see she loves them dearly and treats them well so I am not stopping them from seeing her. Nor am I stopping DH from seeing her. But I will not be laying eyes on that woman for as long as possible.

I don't believe a leopard can change it's spots, she couldn't even keep her mouth shut for DH's sake (he thought she would be able to but it turns out I knew his mother better than he did and within months she was back to her old ways).

Like your MIL, mine is an nasty piece of work, full of bile, spite and venom and I cannot even bear the thought of laying eyes on her never mind talking to her or more likely, listening to her making snidey remarks to me which, if pulled up on, she tries to pass of as innocently tactless,

FIL is spineless too and deaf; he says the greatest blessing he has had in old age is to lose his hearing! I know why, you would have to be deaf to put up living with that woman for long.

I would say to you follow your gut instincts and stay away from her. Like others have said, if she shows you she has taken time out to reflect and think about how she has treated you in the past and can show you genuine remorse and apologise then you could perhaps reconsider but not otherwise.