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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to make peace with MIL

42 replies

forehead · 27/05/2009 16:28

I'll try to keep this post as short as possible. The problem is i cannot abide my MIL. She is the most evil person i have ever had the misfortune to meet. Before i married my DH i hardly ever saw her and on the rare occasions that we met she was always quite pleasant. All this changed when myself and dh decided to get married. The monster emerged from this woman. She told anyone that would listen that i was after her son's money ( this was ironic since i was financially supporting her son as his business was in trouble). She told my own relations at my wedding that i was a woman of loose morals, Which is a joke since her son was the only man i had ever slept with. Despite her behaviour i tried to tolerate her for the sake of my dh. The last straw however was when she questioned the paternity of my ds at his christening. I was mortified and decided to cut off all contact with her. That was two years ago and tbh was the best thing to do. I refused to allow her to see my DC's because she is such an odious person. By the way she hasn't changed and is telling people how evil i am for depriving her of her grandchildren. Anyway ,she has decided that she wants to make peace. TBH i don't trust the old witch. My husband can understand why i don't want any contact with his mother , he also believes that she is evil but is being pressurized by his father to make peace.
AIBU not to want any contact with this woman. By the way she has done so many awful things to me ,there is no time to list them.

OP posts:

Original poster

forehead · 27/05/2009 18:03

Oneplusone i congratulate you for cutting off ties with your MIL. I don't trust my Mil with my dc because i really dont believe she is corpus mentus. Tbh dh hardly ever sees his mother and i don't want my children to see her as i believe that i would be rewarding bad behaviour by allowing her to see them.

OP posts:

oneplusone · 27/05/2009 18:24

forehead, thank you . It was like a pressure cooker exploding, i put up and shut up for years and years until one day I just snapped and screamed at DH rhat I simply could not stand his mother, that she was a total b*tch and I would not tolerate her for a second longer.

The only problem is birthdays and christmas etc. How to 'do' them without coming into contact with her, but allowing the DC's to see her? Tricky. This year have made plans for DD's birthday that quite easily avoid her and we are going away at christmas but the issues will arise every year.

Like you I cannot even bear the thought of seeing my MIL, so it's not enough if she just agrees to keep her mouth shut around me. I just cannot bear the thought of seeing her in the flesh ever again. Poor DH. But he is also to blame as he handled the whole problem very badly until I reached the point where I was literally screaming at him before he did anything significant.

VinoEsmeralda · 27/05/2009 19:57

Oneplusone - I take it you havent had a b'day or Christmas without her then? My MIL fell out with me about 6 weeks ago and I told her she should and can have a relationship with my DC (same reason as you) and obviously my DH but not me but am truly dreading the 1st b'day and Christmas as I am refusing to have a family meal at all or sit down with them for b'day cake etc which I dont think she has realised yet. We both think she will 'I must do this for the good of the family' and a couple of hours is something I have to do

so there will be another one sided phone call or conversation

ChippingIn · 27/05/2009 20:14

Oneplusone - the fun is yet to come! I thought I could live with this arrangement too - but it ate away at me that (Ex) DP could continue to have a relationship with someone (even his mother) who was so completely vile to me (& others), that he was 'allowing' her to treat me that way. I wanted and expected more from him and it helped to erode our relationship (along with other stuff of course). I hope you can get past this with your DH.

TooMuchCaffeine · 27/05/2009 20:32

YANBU. Long story but my so called MIL made mine and DH's life hell when we got together nine years ago - and not through anything bad that we had done I hasten to add. This caused a big estrangement of DH from his mum and two sisters. They never spoke again. She never met my DS (or me for that matter) - like I said it is a long story. She died three weeks ago and no one bothered to tell DH probably at her wishes. SOmetimes you can't change people - I think it is easier to just accept that you will never get on and get on with your life personally.

RnB · 27/05/2009 20:35

Don't get back in touch! I made that mistake with my exMIL and the mask soon slipped from her odious wicked, poisonous face

totalmisfit · 27/05/2009 20:43

i don't know about the 'you can have a relationship with dc but not me' thing.

i'm in a similar position to you, in that my MIL is evil personified. The catalogue of horrid things she's put me through is too dull to type here, but suffice to say, last july she threw a massive hissy fit when we tried to reschedule a visit with her. She drove 200 miles to stand at the end of our road demanding that dh come out and see her, or else. She called my mother and told her 'once again, misfit has scuppered our plans, what can i do?'. Bearing in mind that we'd initially tried to reschedule for the following week or whenever was convenient for her and she'd absolutely rejected this, she then told us she was cutting us all out. She has called here a couple of times but no apology or acknowledgement of her outrageous behaviour, and of course i'm sub-human as far as she's concerned and i think she quite enjoys being able to play the martyr card to her friends 'oh, she won't let me see my only grandaughter, i don't know why...' that kind of thing.

When her evil ways started, i considered saying she could see dd without my being present, as i couldn't stand to be around her. Then i realised that this was exactly what she'd been trying to achieve, and that in doing this i would be giving her exactly what she wanted; darling grandchildren, appearing as if by immaculate conception from her son, without the aid of a fallen woman such as myself. These women are relying on us to 'rise above' their petty, ridiculous and nasty behaviour and in doing so give them what they want.

knockedgymnast · 27/05/2009 21:09

Go with your instincts on this one.

She doesn't want to make peace with you, she just wants to worm her way back in so that she can cause trouble again.

People like this NEVER learn or change. Keep her at arms' length.

Original poster

forehead · 27/05/2009 21:16

totalmisfit i agree with you, my MIL does not deserve to see my children. I get pissed off with my dh because deep down i don't think he should visit her because of her behaviour towards me. I don't tell him this. I have decided that she will never see my children.

OP posts:

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 22:14

Tell her the kid`s are not from her son

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 22:16

Tell her the kid`s are not from her son

oneplusone · 27/05/2009 22:45

chipping, yes I understand what you're saying about your exDH 'allowing' your mother to be vile to you. In fact I feel this whole thing is more about me and DH than me and MIL. I was extremely worried that when push came to shove DH would not have the guts to stand up to his mother and tell she had been vile to me. But he did it, he called her and told her some cold hard truths about herself. It was very difficult for him, but he proved to me he was not a pathetic spineless coward.

Re future birthdays etc, I am confident now that DH is 100% on my side on this. In the past he has not wanted to go abroad for christmas (I have always pushed for this to avoid seeing MIL) and we have not gone. But this year we are and we will go for as long as feel it is necessary for me to avoid MIL.

Having said that, right now I am still very angry with her, but I can see that given (a long) time, I may calm down and then possibly be able to tolerate her for 3 days a year, ie 2 DC's birthdays and christmas and i would do it purely for the DC's sake. Also any future contact with her would be on the proviso that I have carte blanche to pull her up as I deem necessary if she says so much as one word out of line to me or within my earshot. The problem I have had til now is that I am not by nature a rude person and I have not been able to respond to her snidey remarks simply because i believed that as my MIL she deserved to be treated with some respect. But that is clearly not the case anymore, she is not deserving of any respect from me at all.

CarGirl · 27/05/2009 22:56

I would just repeat ad finitum (sp?) "Why does she want to see the dc that she doesn't believe are dh's anyway?"

ChippingIn · 27/05/2009 23:14

oneplusone - my Ex did do that sort of thing (very) occasionally (told her some cold hard truths etc), but then he still kept seeing her and acting like nothing had happened... All I can say is that I hope it works out better for you than it did for us

Forehead - this is exactly the thinking that basically eroded our relationship....

By forehead on Wed 27-May-09 21:16:41
totalmisfit i agree with you, my MIL does not deserve to see my children. I get pissed off with my dh because deep down i don't think he should visit her because of her behaviour towards me. I don't tell him this. I have decided that she will never see my children.

If I were in the same position again I would make him choose (between your family (you and the kids) and his mother), as 'not choosing' is (IMO) not healthy for your relationship. But hey, that's just me and I am sure there are some people who make this arrangement work for them - but to be honest, from your posts it doesn't seem to be working too well for you

StayFrosty · 27/05/2009 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barnsleybelle · 27/05/2009 23:42

Forehead, i'm a huge believer in going with your gut feeling, especially where your children are concerned.

I would tell dh that as it's his mother then you are content for him to continue a relationship with her if he so wishes but that you and your children are to have no part of her life.

Surely, based on the things she has said and done he has to accept and respect this.

Anyone capable of the type of behaviour you have described should not be a part of your life.

3rdnparty · 28/05/2009 18:15

ditto barnsley belle I think, if ds is 2 (may not have worked that out correctly from OP) probably would not give her access to him but tell dh it's up to him regarding his relationship with her. If ds goes she will from the sounds of it just use him to get at you....as seems to have no qualms regarding manipulating others. I would stay well clear..

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