Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to help in the night when exceptional cicumstances??

36 replies

6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 09:06

Dp works full time. I stay at home 3 kids all under 5.

Dp has job that is/he finds stressful. Has been busy for past year or so.

Kids not great sleepers. Older 2 ok now but baby at 8 mnths still feeds alot during night. We co sleep and by his choice dp sleeps in spare bed so he can cope with work and get a better nights sleep. He will attend to older ones when they rarely wake up for a pee etc.

Last night baby up constantly, much more than usual and by 2.30am i had had enough of having my nipple chewed and my boob nipped. I changed nappy, dose of paracetamol incase teething or some pain somewhere and it didn't help. When awake at this point baby happy enough, not crying just awake (hadn't over slept in day, infact was really clingy and only slept 2 shortish naps, thinking maybe teeth or just phase...not really the point of thread anyway...)

Today i have to make an essential 4 hour drive with all 3 kids. I went thru to dp in night and asked that he take over to let me get a little sleep so i could do the drive as safely as poss etc... I was met with 'oh i'm shattered.. i've got work ..' and general bad vibes. I was so pissed about his lack of support i couldn't get to sleep in spare bed, didn't help that baby was crying in next room.

Pissed off he was so unhelpful in night. I know he has work but i never have a full nights sleep until our babies start to sleep thru and that is never before a year or so. I'm shattered too.

Pissed of he just lay in bed with baby instead of doing some more to keep the crying down so i could actually sleep for a bit. I never let baby cry during night as i know it'll wake everyone else (very small house)

Tired gutted and pissed off. AIBU????

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 27/05/2009 09:19

Being knackered makes you pissed off too.

I think given you are going on long drive with kids he should have done more for once; for all your safety.

Suggest calm talk (focussing on fact you rarely ask but that the circumstances were exceptional and you didn't think it was unreasonable for once how does he feel?), not festering strop.

Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 10:23

I think i generally feel a bit pissed off because a) my babies aren't good sleepers, not awful just not great. B) dp is shit at helping in night and shit with lack of sleep yet i am just expected to manage on very little sleep in a job that has no breaks. Sometimes i feel a day at work (in my past life!) would be a welcome break.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 27/05/2009 10:29

No YANBU.

Your DH should be helping out in the night regardless! You work too, or does he not regard the fact that you offer full time childcare for 3 children as work?

I cannot understand this attitude that a SAHM is totally responsible night and day for the kids. If he's home then he should be sharing 50% of the care of your children.

Fair enough if you're bfeeding but sometimes smelling mummy milk can be disruptive to sleep which is when dad should step in to help out.

kiltycoldbum · 27/05/2009 10:31

a dh that helps in the night??? really is there such a thing? can i get one? do they sell them in tesco?

you certainly anbu
ever
but id be so jealous!

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 10:35

YANBU he should help you, i would go in put the baby in bed with him and leave. Does he get them up in the am? Does he get up in the night on the weekends?

Sleep depravation is horrible, i stopped night feeds around this age so as dh could take over nights.

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 10:36

YABU

He should be being a parent in the night whenever it is needed.

I get so hacked off with all this crap about men helping. Are you helping when you feed the baby in the night?. No, you are being a mum.

I have been a full time mum for the last 8 years and have three kids. DH got up every night the babies needed feeding. He would bring me the baby, I would feed them and he would change them if needed, wind them and settle them back to bed. He gets up now if needed in the night. He works full time too.

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/05/2009 10:37

And just in case you missed my point YABU to think he should help in exceptional circumstances. He should be doing it all the time. Or at least half the time. YABU to accept it.

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 11:06

I agree fabulousbaker girl.

6 inch it doesn't matter if he works you also have to work when looking after the kids. In some ways i find it easier to go to work when i'm really tired as i just put my head down and get on with it where as when i'm home with the kids they wind me up all day and i'm narky and horrible.

twinmam · 27/05/2009 11:14

Also agree with Fabulous and Wolf. Of course he should help you.Here's how I see it: During the day his job is to go out to work and yours is to be at home with the kids. When you are both at home it is the responsibility of both of you to be parents. I've never understood this 'he goes out to work and therefore needs a full night's sleep attitude'. Looking after kids is just as much work and like wolf says can be even harder when you're tired as it demands so much patience. I work 2 days a week and find my 'work' days much easier, less stressful and more restful than those with the DCs. Point out that you never get a break. Maybe he could do night duty when it's the weekends and he doesn't go to work the next day? OR you get weekends off and he looks after the DCs?!

purpleduck · 27/05/2009 11:16

Sleep deprivation is how cults "break" people.It is bad for your health, and psychologically damaging. It is very serious.

Your DH is being mean. Does he at least do more at the weekends?

Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 11:41

Thanks for all the replies.

My dp has the kids for 3 hours on a sat morning so i can go riding. Its the only time i am without the kids and i look forward to it every week. I feel a bit guilty that dp doesn't have any time that he does something for him, he is either at work or with us, but i love my 3 hours of me time.

Before i did this he would get up with the kids but i had to ask which pisses me off. Seem to be pissed off alot... i am nice most of the time ... i think

if i said to dp he had to start getting up in the night he'd say he'd have to give up his job as he wouldn't be able to cope. What does one say to that?

t

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 27/05/2009 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 11:51

fbg your dh sounds fab. jealous jealous jealous

whenever dp has been handed a crying baby in the night i end up lying in bed seething because the baby keeps crying and i hear him getting all pissed off giving it ' oh for gods sake'... it almost makes it worse

then he'll say 'its because they want you, they want a boobie' and then of course when i do feed them and they settle he feels he is right. But having a baby chew your nipple for comfort throughout the night is torture.i just want a break some of the time

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 27/05/2009 11:53

YANBU to expect him to take over in exceptional circumstances.

Your comment "Dp has job that is/he finds stressful" suggests that you don't think that he is coping well at work. If he has no other time to himself then I can see that he might find things getting on top of him.

Could you arrange things so that he can have an hour or two work and childree to do something that he enjoys?

My DH has a pretty stressful job and if he were not able to go jogging / cycling or out for a beer with friends then he would find it difficult. He needs a way of letting off steam.

Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 11:54

mrsjammi how can you spend morning in bed??

dp left for work at 8. i was up getting dc1 ready for pre school, 2 yo was also up as was clingy 8 mnth old.

had to juggle 2 youngest whilst quickly responding to replies and trying to pack for said 4 hr journey.

OP posts:
Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 11:58

mmelindt i don't think he copes very well with stress. his job is stressful, before he took this job i spoke at length with him about it, i didn't think it was right for him, he was keen so i supported his decision.

i have suggested he have time to himself but he says he'd rather spend it with me. we have very little time for just him and i no kids but taking this job meant moving 4v hours from all our friends and family.

OP posts:
Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 12:00

sorry should have said that this means no babysitters

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 27/05/2009 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeLindt · 27/05/2009 12:02

Do you and he get out on your own occasionally? If he wants to spend time with you would he enjoy having some time to chat with you without the DC?

I do feel that it is important to have some things that are just for me or just for me and DH. Trying to have a conversation when 3 under 5yo are whirling about must be like chatting in a sandstorm.

MmeLindt · 27/05/2009 12:03

Ah, just saw your post about babysitters. Would you use a young girl from your town?

We live in a different country from our families and have always found lovely responsible girls to babysit for an hour or so.

violethill · 27/05/2009 12:09

Disagree that your DH should always help in the night. If one parent is at home full time, then it's reasonable for them to take on night time duties, because they haven't got the pressure of having to get up, travel to work, and have the pressure of meeting deadlines/work stress etc. And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes, I know being at home with 3 under 5's is hard work too, (been there done that) but it doesn't have the mental pressure of having to get up and go out to do a demanding job.

But as this was an exceptional circumstance, and you had a long drive to do the next day, which has safety implications, then yes, your DH should have helped out. But you know your children are poor sleepers and not going to go through the night, so I'm a little unsure as to why you didn't talk about this beforehand as it's a specific, one-off situation.

If you are serious about saying you think you would prefer to be out at work, then have a serious talk to your husband and see whether you need to redfine roles, maybe husband downsizing and taking on more home responsibility and you going out to work.

But it sounds as though you're just having a bad day where the grass seems greener - which everyone does - your husband probably has days when he thinks he'd rather not have to go to work!

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 12:11

But mrsjammi being very tired during the day is all part of being a parent is it not? I work 2 days a week and am at home with the kids on the other, dh gets up and always has done just as often, yes sometimes he has to leave for work very early but sometimes my children are up from 5.30 and that knackers me out.
If you know your husband can't cope then thats fair enough but surely people can't cope with the kids during the day too so its fair enough to take turns.

I don't get all this stressful job stuff either, my friends dh gets away with loads because his job is really stressful(he's a teacher). But so is my job and so is minding the children 24 hrs a day.

Original poster
6inchnipples · 27/05/2009 12:16

i'd love to find a teenage baby sitter but we live really rurally and the only one who springs to mind is a neighbours daughter. Her mum offered the daughters babysitting services and i said ' oh great does she loke kids, i loved baby sitting as a teen'.. she replied 'well i wouldn't say she loves kids but she's very sensible and i'm just round the corner' or [perhaps i'm being too fussy.

other problem is breast fed 8 mnth old. not sure a teenager could ride the storm if baby got tired and cranky. But at 8 mnths i am starting to see the light...

OP posts:
violethill · 27/05/2009 12:18

there are different stresses to going out to work though. When you are at home, you may be physically exhausted, working very hard etc (I know I was with 3 tinies) but ultimately, you don't have to look presentable in the morning, get to a paid job on time, meet other people's expectations and deadlines. When I was home with my kids, I had to walk us all to playgroup by 9 am, but if we were a bit late, it wasn't the end of the world. And if I was too tired to make sparkling conversation, it didn't matter. And if I was too tired to do exciting activities with the kids, then we'd have a quiet day.

You don't have those options when you are working.

mrsjammi · 27/05/2009 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread