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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to tell 3yo dd that baby in my belly is making me sick?

32 replies

pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:09

I am suffering from hypermesis. Poor DD has witnessed constant sickness from me over the weeks. I am now medicated and mostly ok. She is very empathic and asking me if I am ok when I am sick, telling DH I am being poorly, very concerned. I have been telling her that yes mummy just feeling a bit poorly but will be better soon. I have also tried hard to not be sick when she will notice, or to sneak off and try to be quiet, not keep it from her as much as possible (as it has been a lot).

This evening, I was sick straight after tea and she went running into see DH, 'mummy is poorly again?' Usually he would be similar to me - mummy is ok, she just ate too fast , or something like that.

DD came into me in the bedroom after I went to lie down and said 'why the baby hurting you mamma? why the baby hurting you?. It broke my heart as she really thought the baby was hurting me. I told her the baby was not hurting me, just wriggled around and made my belly go funny, but it did not hurt at all.

I then mentioned it to DH and he said 'yes, I told her the baby was making you poorly'.

We have now had a disagreement about this. He said we need to be truthful with her whenever possible, and not to lie to her, he said he had to tell her something as he does not want her to just think I am ill all the time. I said she was too young to understand the concept of the baby making me unwell and what that actually means and I did not want her to see the new baby in any kind of negative light, and that I would prefer to minimise the sickness as much as possible and for her to just think I am poorly a lot atm, in time she will forget this, but is less likely to forget the potential feelings of resentment at the baby 'hurting me' He insisted he would not lie to her.

She is 3 years old in 1 month.

AIBU and or he BU?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/05/2009 20:11

I agree with your husband, that it's important to be honest with your daughter.
you can explain to her that the baby isn't hurting you, but that sometimes when you have a baby in your tummy it can make you be sick.
just reassure her that you aren't "ill" or in pain, it;s just something that happens sometimes and that it's ok

rubyslippers · 26/05/2009 20:13

my DS saw me being very sick and also in and out of hospital in the early part of my PG

we told him that i was PG and the baby in mummy's tummy was making me feel a bit unwell but i would be ok

much better to tell the truth i think

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:15

So maybe we need to actually talk to DD about it? I guess so. I would prefer we try to explain it a bit better than 'the baby is making mummy sick' as that is not actually true and DD has taken that as in the baby is hurting me, not that its a side effect of the baby. She does not understand the baby is not hurting me.

We will talk to her tomorrow then.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 26/05/2009 20:16

I agree with your DH as well, I am afraid.

Could you have a chat with your DD and tell her that the baby doesn't mean to make you sick, it is just something that happens to lots of mummies when they have a baby in your tummy. When the baby is born, mummy won't feel sick anymore.

I would think that it would be better for her to have a fixed timescale for you being unwell, iyswim.

thisisyesterday · 26/05/2009 20:17

there is a book called "there's a house inside my mummy" which mentions feeling unwell. it's a god book for preparing older siblings in general

doggiesayswoof · 26/05/2009 20:18

I agree with being truthful. You can generalise it a bit "sometimes when ladies have babies in their tummies they are a bit sick, then when the baby is born it will be all better"

I agree with you about trying to keep it from her and minimise the impact on her though. I also don't think once the baby is born there will be any resentment (at least not for that reason)

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:18

i guess I worry about her understanding. She has such fantastic vocabulary that I worry we treat her too much like an older child, when although she speaks well and seems to understand, she is still not quite 3.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/05/2009 20:19

she is a very similar age to my DS (he is 3 in a week or so)

talk to her - she will love being involved and stroking your tummy

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:20

thisisyesterday oh thanks for that, i will go and take a look at it tomorrow

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 26/05/2009 20:20

And - it is better I think for your dd to be able to understand a bit about why you are unwell. Not knowing the reason and thinking it could go on indefinitely could be more worrying for her.

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:21

ruby - she does stroke my tummy, also tells me its getting bigger, then puffs hers out too, to be like me, she also says hello. But she also eats her tea then says, 'i being sick, bleurgh, like mummy!'

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 26/05/2009 20:24

IKWYM about the big vocabulary. My DD is older (nearly 5) but we do have high expectations and treat her like an older child. I tend to keep things simple and short and don't assume she wants loads of extra detail unless she asks questions.

wolfnipplechips · 26/05/2009 20:24

yabu i'm afraid my dd was just 2 when i was pregnant and very ill, she sometimes used to stand beside me rubbing my back while i was sick.

I used to tell her that it was becuse mummy had a baby in her tummy. TBH she forgot all that as soon as i stopped being sick and it has never bothered her.

They are able to take in much more than you think. I hope you feel better soon.

Geocentric · 26/05/2009 20:26

Were you sick when pg with her, too? If so you could link it to that, so she understands its the pregnancy and not the baby.

And YANBU, but your DH probably wasn't prepared to answer questions. Best to agree on what to tell her together, imo.

MmeLindt · 26/05/2009 20:26

Aw, she sounds sweet.

Is there a way that you could let her "help" you? Could she bring you a special biscuit or a drink of a special juice that would make you feel better?

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:33

wolf - DD does that too, she rubs my back 'it'll be ok mama, s'ok sweetheart' and I can't do anything with my head down the toilet! And sometimes she tells daddy I need a drink. I am glad your LO forgot once you stopped being sick.

Mme yes, she is sweet, the sweetest girl I could have imagined. DH and I said for the millionth time this evening how lucky and proud we are of her.

I will try to include her more in all of it, not just the pleasant stuff. I guess it will get her used to the fact that new babies are lovely but have good and bad points for a toddler!

OP posts:
Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:35

Geo - yes I was sick with her too, thats a good idea to relate it to that. I did that when she asked where the baby came from - I said 'mummy and daddy loved each other, and then you came along, and then mummy and daddy continued to love each other, and now baby is growing in me too just like you did' Funnily enough she asked that this evening too. In fact she has asked a lot of questions this evening!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/05/2009 20:37

aw Pavlov - she sounds like a bright little thing

she will "get" it

DS also sticks his belly out - he has told all his nursery friends he has a baby in his tummy

SparkyFartDust · 26/05/2009 20:42

Hyperemesis is no fun, you have my sympathy.

we were up front with our 3 year old when I had hyperemesis with DD2. We kept a positive slant on it saying that growing a baby sometimes meant mummy was sick, both baby and mummy were fine and it just meant the baby was getting bigger/ stronger.

She readily accepted it. seeing your mum being sick can't be nice but actually, with reassurance she was absolutely great.

I made an effort to spend time talking with her about the baby in positive terms in between the sickness. I lied to reassured her that I didn't mind being sick/ it didn't hurt etc.

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 26/05/2009 20:45

sparky -thank you. Your right, I can turn it into something positive, and get DH to do the same, not just tell her baby is making me poorly, but that its just part of the process and its all ok, that its not the same as her drinking too much milk!

OP posts:
SparkyFartDust · 27/05/2009 22:40

ah pavlov I wish you speedily past the sickness and that you can begin to enjoy feeling well again.

There was a piece of reseach (loose term) in one of the papers the other week saying there may be a link between mothers who suffer from hyperemesis having babies with higher IQs than average.

so there you go, you are nurturing a genuis.

mrsbabookaloo · 27/05/2009 22:49

DD is nearly 3 and I'm at the end of my pregnancy, so she was 2.5 when I was sick a lot. I'm not good at lying and couldn't keep it from her.

When we first told her, she said "you have a baby in your tummy and you need to spit it out!!"

She is still concerned about me and says "Are you better now?" even though it's months since I was sick...so it did have an impact on her, but I don't think she blames the baby...she's very positive about it (....it isn't acutally here yet, though...!)

Original poster
pavlovthecat · 28/05/2009 11:34

Mrsbook - thank you for that, its reassuring that she is unlikely to blame the baby.

Yesterday morning, I was very sick and DD said 'mummy is being poorly again? Why this time daddy? So when I was finished, I sat her on my lap and said the baby sometimes swiggles about in my belly and when that happens it makes me sick, but its fine and it will stop when the baby is here.

Later, when I was not being sick, she said 'baby not wiggling now?' 'no darling, baby is asleep now'.

Slarty - i like the idea of that..! I shall tell all I am carrying a genius!

OP posts:
Nahui · 28/05/2009 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

duchesse · 28/05/2009 12:13

I think your husband is absolutely right. Little children are apt to get the wrong end of the stick unless you are as candid with them as possible. She may start to think you are seriously ill (I mean, dangerously ill- all it would take would be one conversation with another child at nursery, or a book in which something sickens and dies (and there are toddler books about pets dying)) for her to get really worried.

And I'm sure she is able to understand what he has told her. Just make sure she understands that it's not for ever, and that it's not the baby's fault. Also tell how she can help you (maybe bring you damp flannels for your forehead?) so that she doesn't feel excluded when you are really ill.

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