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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread being at home alone with my DS?

44 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 18:16

He is 17 months and so much easier when we are out and about with friends or family. I almost panic if we are alone as he is hard work. Winging alot and physically demanding.

DH is keen for a second, as I am, but I told him how I felt today and he thinks i'm depressed and to feel that way isn't quite right........is he right???

Does anymore else feel like this, is it normal and do 17 month old boys ever stop winging and being so physical?! Is this reason not to get pregnant just yet?

OP posts:
IcantbelieveImForty · 26/05/2009 18:28

no, YANBU - although it is shame.

I went through this with my DD1. DD2 is completely different, so don't worry about having another one.

Try to structure your day - so get up, breakfast & get to the local park or toddler group, have him in the swings if he can't walk, feeding ducks. Or even a walk to the shop to buy/look at the paper. Give him a snack, a couple of hrs after brekkie - made a BIG difference to my DD1 - something like a banana or sliced apple & drink of water. Give him some rice & a cup to play with (pouring one into the other, over a tray) while you do lunch then get him to sleep so you can have some time out. If you went to a toddler group in the morning, get to the park, or vice versa.
They usually whinge when low blood sugar or bored. Good luck !

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 18:31

Thank-you! I was starting to feel bad for feeling bad IYSWIM?

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 26/05/2009 18:31

I don't think that alone makes you sound depressed, they can be bloody hard work at that age -always wanting to be entertained and into everyting. Not everyone finds this easy. I don't! Sounds like he is bored though. Can you take him to soft play areas and the park to knacker him out? Maybe wait until he is a bit more manageable before having another - it will be hard being pregnant with a toddler!

How much time does your husband spend on his own running round after him?

MrsMattie · 26/05/2009 18:34

I felt this way with my DS when he was a baby. He was high maintenance! He is 4 now and I adore spending time with him.

I don't think it's that unusual, really, and certainly doesn't mean you are depressed, unless you have other symptoms? Babies can be hard work - some more than others!

I agree with loosely structuring your day, getting out and about plenty and getting your rest and nice, relaxing adult time in the evenings.

FrannyandZooey · 26/05/2009 18:34

i don't know...if you really have that feeling of dread and panic in the pit of your stomach then I would think something is not quite right
not that most people wouldn't find it difficult, but if it's really affecting you like that i would think you need to change something - get some extra help at home, or learn ways to relax, or even see your gp if it seems overwhelming

i think we all have tough periods and i expect this one will pass for you - but if you really do feel actual dread and panic as you state, then i would do something meanwhile to improve things - you should be enjoying this time, ideally - it's sad for you that you are finding it so challenging

CDMforever · 26/05/2009 18:45

I have a 2.6 DS and 9 months DD and usually panic at the idea of a whole day in on our own. I love structure and go to 3 baby groups a week, the other days my DS goes to a nursery for the afternoon. I totally understand. Having said that DS has just got chicken pox and we all stayed in today. It wasn't too bad even though he was still bounding around pox and all! Things definitely get easier as they get older. Always think the term SAHM is something of a mistake. I don't work but rarely so I stay at home!

clam · 26/05/2009 18:48

Well, I suppose I would have had that feeling if I hadn't done what others have suggested here, which was to get out and about as much as possible. Toddler groups, friends' houses, the park, shopping, window shopping (the pet shop was a winner!) etc.. Oh, and working 2.5 days a week. The thought of a whole day, just me and him alone indoors, would have had me reaching for the vodka at breakfast.
For the record, he's 12 now and gorgeous! No one I'd rather spend time with (apart from DD and DH!)

Mintyy · 26/05/2009 18:54

I remember one or two days, when the dcs were really properly ill, or it literally peed down with rain solidly, that I stayed in all day with my two dc, who were born 2.8 years apart.

Otherwise, we went out and we did something every day. I wouldn't say I "dreaded" a whole day in with the dc, but I did everything in my power to avoid it .

Tis one of the reasons why I love city life so much and couldn't have got on in the country.

Like Franny says, if it is literally dread and panic then, yes, that is something to worry about.

wotulookinat · 26/05/2009 18:58

I dread most days with my DS, who is 3 in October. I have had severe PND, and I thought I was coming out of it, but he's going through a really challenging stage.

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 19:02

Perhaps dread and panic were a bit strong. I just miss my husband and the extra pair of hands as he works very long hours. I enjoy part time work and do spend lost of time with friends and family, I guess i'm just trying to tell him I miss him and can't stay home all day I have to be out with people to talk too. We have just had a few days away and I guess it made it very real just how much easier it is with him around. I think also as my best friend has not had a little one yet and moved further away with her work, I miss her too! I am rubbish at remembering to eat during the day and so always feel emotioanl by the end of the day with low blood sugar.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 19:05

wotulookinat really feel for you. Are you having any treatment?In what way is he challenging?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/05/2009 19:09

Oh yes, I have had all sorts of ocunselling, and I am on anti-depressants. DS just seems to have much more energy than me, and he can open all the stair gates so nowhere is safe. And he can run faster than me. Nearly got himself run over by a neighbour today and I tore a muscle in my leg running after him.

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 19:18

Nightmare. Do you have family around?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/05/2009 19:21

Sadly not. We moved away a couple of years ago and now it's a five hour drive to see them .
I saw that you said you missed your friend - have you made new ones at all?

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 19:28

Yes, but she is hard to beat! I guess its not having someone who calls you every few days etc. so things build up and its hard to get it off your chest. We do do lost of activities together and he sleeps a great deal, I just feel a bit.......I don't know! He is hard work just hitting the 2's and teething etc etc.
Do you get out and about etc??

OP posts:
pamelat · 26/05/2009 20:00

My DD is 16 months (just) and I know exactly how you feel. She is challenging (always). I do sometimes wonder whether I have slight PND but I really think I just struggle with it all, rather than am actually depressed.

I now work 3 days a week and she goes to nursery and it really really helps me. I find myself excited about picking her up and having that hour with her before bed time.

I find that on my days when its work, I get up with more of a bounce.

On my days "off" I generally find things hard work and feel like I am almost waiting for her nap time.

If we are out and about then its a lot lot better.

I feel bad typing this as I love her lots, I just cant stand the general whining and the unpredictability of her moods.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/05/2009 20:05

Noone should feel bad about these feelings

Young children can really suck you dry

Fresh air and exercise, somewhere to run and run whatever the weather

If you are still feeling panicky see your Doctor

Good luck

pamelat · 26/05/2009 20:07

and ps we are daring to have another, came off the pill last week. Eeeek.Quite scared but keep telling myself that things will get easier with DD>

pamelat · 26/05/2009 20:09

sorry can I just say that I was relating to tryingtobemarypoppins, not to trivalise true PND or anyone elses sentiments.

Tryingtobe .... you do sound very like me.

ilovespinach · 26/05/2009 20:10

I feel like this sometimes with my 2 (3.1 and 16 months) if we are stuck in - def with the ds1 as he wants me to play and I'm not very good with that. I much prefer to take them out to the park, ducks etc then it is much much better...

We have just survived a weekend alone and managed by inviting ourselves round to a friends house and going to the park.

Sometimes I think I am depressed but also I think tiredness plays a massive part and also the fact that everyday is the bloody same - there are only so many ways to push a train around the floor before you are bored to tears.

What I can see with my eldest is that little boys are very physical. They both love to be chased around the house whuch works wonders in tiring them out

Hope you feel better soon

pamelat · 26/05/2009 20:13

Toddler groups, swimming, the park, bike rides (trips to toys r us!) - they all help.

It just drive you mad.

Basically I dont really want to play but i force myself because i know I "should" but my heart is not in it for hours and hours a day. i find myself wishing that DD would watch TV and let me read my book

Original poster
tryingtobemarypoppins · 26/05/2009 20:14

You have totally hit the nail on the head pamelat! I totally mirror all that you have said. I kind of thought baby 2 would in the long run help my LO to be more entertained etc. I also think that they just can't tell you anything they want or feel and that also makes it so hard on us. Like you I feel rubbish even saying this as I love him to bits! Thanks Pamelat x

OP posts:
Worriedunfortunately · 26/05/2009 20:15

Just wanted to add that I felt this with my DD when she was younger, she's now 4. I was used to very goal focused long hours at work and just didnt know what to do with all the time and no deadlines. I know you're busy constantly but there's no real deadline or any praise when you finish something.

What helped me was to set tasks with definite goals, so we'd do 'craft' and make a card for DH or a picture for the wall.

Another thing that helped was when my circle of NCT buddies became real friends and we all admitted to each other that we were struggling and that it wasn't necessarily the 'heaven filled days' everyone seemed to suggest it was. This at least took some of the guilt away from feeling miserable at times.

Now shes older its much easier (although I'm still rubbish at 'playing') and I'm now pregnant again, arghhh

pamelat · 26/05/2009 20:16

I am also hoping that a sibling will help DD, and that as she gets older she can at least speak to me and tell me what is wrong.

People laugh when I say that DD will not "let me" stay in the house after about 9am but I mean it. She gets very clingy, whiney and does not know what she wants. We are both always the first people at toddler groups, waiting for the library to open and so on.

DH is similar with her, they were on the park at 745am last Saturday!!

x

LilianGish · 26/05/2009 20:22

YANBU to find a 17-month-old toddler hard work. IMO having another child will ultimately make your life easier - I remember going out all the time with dd whereas ds had a ready made companion in his big sister and I didn't need to go out nearly as much. Have just posted on another thread on this very subject (sorry can't do links!) I would say have another one and the sooner the better.