to dread being at home alone with my DS?

[tryingtobemarypoppins]

He is 17 months and so much easier when we are out and about with friends or family. I almost panic if we are alone as he is hard work. Winging alot and physically demanding.

DH is keen for a second, as I am, but I told him how I felt today and he thinks i'm depressed and to feel that way isn't quite right........is he right???

Does anymore else feel like this, is it normal and do 17 month old boys ever stop winging and being so physical?! Is this reason not to get pregnant just yet?

to OP, that could have been me writing that post! I too also have a DS and am put off having any more (but at the same time want to have a second!) because I get that feeling of 'what is he going to get up to today?'. But...it does get easier. Mine is now over 2 years old and it's definately getting easier. I'd say I had the 'dread' in the pit of my stomach when he was a new born and cried and I had no idea why he was crying, just didn't understand what he wanted. It used to fill me with dread when he cried and I was just getting off to sleep. Very difficult times, but these days are over with. Still makes me wonder whether having another is a wise choice or not...
My DH also works long shifts so I am on my own for several days before he's home to help out. It can feel isolating at times.

Structuring the routine is a good idea but when you are already dogtired, it isn't easy to mingle with others and be talkative at a toddler group. For me it is too much effort, as I'm drained of energy most days. Some days going to the park is manageable and if you can keep a routine going then I'm sure it will get easier.

To OP - YANBU, but don't panic, 17-month-old boys do get less whiny etc with time, and they do learn how to challenge all that physical energy as they get a little older! I was in a similar position to you a few years ago; my DS was a nightmare (or so I thought at the time) ... but now I realise that he was just a very high-energy, lively boy who literally needed to be exercised like a dog every day! He wouldn't sit down and watch TV quietly, but was constantly on the go, breaking things, pulling off the skirting boards, trashing the kitchen while I was cooking etc etc ...

But he doesn't have ADHD or anything like that, and he is now a perfectly "normal" 5-year-old. Fresh air and exercise were the key for us, and whilst it was tough being pregnant with number 2 (who was born when DS was 2 & 3 months old), he loved her from day 1 and was a fantastic older brother right from the start.

So - yes, boys this age can be very very hard work - but it doesn't last for ever, and it is perfectly normal to dread spending time alone with them! I echo everything that everyone else has said re. going to lots of activities - have you tried the physical ones like TumbleTots etc which usually have loads of little boys with like-minded mums who are dying to meet other mums with boys!

Also, you're not mad to be thinking of having another baby, but it might be worth a chat with your GP first if you have suffered from PND before - he/she may be able to suggest some coping strategies for you...

Good luck, try not to worry, you are very very normal and it does get easier, I promise.

My 15-month-old DS is high maintenance too. He whinges and cries when we are home all morning, the moment we go out, he is all happy! The other morning, he actually went to find his shoes in the hallway and tries to put them on as he knows he always have to have them on before we went out! He goes to nursery 4 days a week and I work those 4 days and I have to say going back to work has saved my sanity. On my one day off, we always go to a toddler group in the morning, home for lunch, a nap and then I head over to my friend's place (she has two little girls and we have the same day off every week, thank goodness!) and the kids run riot in the house or in the garden! And they have dinner and a bath together before I take him home for some chill out time and then sleep.

My friend and I agree that even though they fight over toys etc when they are together, it's so much easier when they are together as they play together, they distract one another and we have each other to talk to. Hence the reason I am preggers with number 2! Though I hated every bit of the first 6 months of DS's life (he cried all the time) and he is high maintenance now, I can see he loves other kids' company and once the second one gets to the age where they can play together, they will enjoy each other's company. So good luck, I hope you find something that works. But I have to say I do avoid spending all day indoors with DS, we will drive each other mad so you are not alone!

Thanks Mummydragon and Angel1976! I think a baby girl next with plats and a halo who reads the bible cover to cover, shows her brother how to be chilled and is called Matilda may help my sanity! Until then we will get lots of fresh air and company from others!

DH and I have recently 'revised' our motto when we realised that we have been worrying this whole time about keeping DS alive (worrying about how much milk/food he drank/ate, cot death etc) when really, we should be worrying about trying to keep DS from killing himself! He does the most death-defying stuff - finds wires and wraps them round his neck, takes flying dives off stairs, he cannot be left along for ONE minute but he is also the cutest and most adorable munchkin around!

Call me crazy but I am hoping for another boy... Then we can leave them to each other to kill amuse themselves.

no no marypoppins YANBU i think loads of people feel a bit like this, it's so stressful when you're at home on your own with a whingy, crying toddler and no-one else around, and the responsibility just hits you and you feel totally trapped - you just have to keep on trying to look after them - and you can't get away from the crying and the demanding-ness - it sends you a bit mental. when ds was little i didn't know anyone else with kids - but when i did eventually make friends with some other mums that really helped. eg making plans to meet up - even if only every week / couple of weeks or even less often - at least that's something to look forward to.

happy to report that it does get way easier as they get older and you can really start to enjoy their company.

for me too it was the going back to work that really made so much difference. i suddenly had all this energy and confidence and a spring in my step which carried over into home life too.

good luck!! x

sorry badly worded post - shouldn't have used the word mental - should have said "it would send anyone a bit loopy" or "it would stress anyone out" - was not thinking PND or anything - just the usual stresses and strains if that makes sense!

You calling me mental??!!
We do go out a lot. It's been hard recently because our routine has gone all over the place for several reasons. Having things to do is so important.

No, YANBU, I'm just starting to come out of feeling like this with DD (22 months) but I'm also pregnant with #2 so harder work in other ways!

In some ways going back to work has made a huge difference, but it also means that there are more days when we can't go out because we have to have builders in/ wait for deliveries/ DD is not well etc which is intensely frustrating. I need to sort out babygroups!

It is interesting though how much better DD is now that she can talk enough to make her wants known, she can take me out for a walk and decide on direction and I definitely second the fresh air and running around thing!

The greatest bit of advice we were given before DS was born was to keep him running! That's fine, unless you are in a restaurant!!

YANBU, my ds was like that and we were out all the time. Oh, and I didn't feel I wanted another one till he was 3 years old.

hi marypoppins

my dd will be 4 at the end of the summer and I felt like this pretty much every day when she was smaller, i have started to feel better in the last 6 months or so.

I had pnd and sometimes those feelings do come back. I so wish I hadnt had pnd as we probably would have had a 2nd soon after dd, but now she is almost off to school, there is no way I am going back to nappies again. Maybe it would be better to have a second soon before you've got past the baby/young toddler stage.

It took me a long time to realise and admiot to dh that I didnt like being with dd on my own. And it took him even longer to see what I meant - when he had some time alone with her he started to relaise what hard work it is.

I'm sure your son will get to be less whingey as he gets older and can tell you what he wants, at that age dd was the same and we had to be out of the house a lot of the time to keep myself vaguely sane.

SAHD here. I didn't dread it, but it was (and sometimes is) very hard work. It's so important to get out and about, if only to meet other people. Do you have a One O'Clock club near you? They can run round in relative safety while you have a cuppa.

Echoing anther poster - Little boys are like dogs, they need a GOOD run around every day.

The snack thing is a good point too!

It does get better, especially when they start talking and communicating better.

I now have a 2.5yr old DS1 bundle of energy and a placid (so far) DS2 of 5 months.

Bon chance!

Thank-you! I feel so much better for getting this off my chest and all your comments have been so honest and helpful - THANK-YOU!

YANBU - I love my DS very much but dread days when we are stuck indoors. I work 4 days out of 5 and i also dread the bathtime/bed hour when it is just me doing it as he is tired, whingey, hard work and heavy (I am pg so lifting a LO is hard work at the moment). I love him to pieces but there are times i don't love motherhood as much and it is because i am human and tired. Don't feel too bad. I tend to let DS walk as much as possible we go for long walks in the park or around the area. he is coming up to 23 months and walks for about 40 mins before getting tired.

I'm going to be a bit more pesimistic than some of the other posters. My DS has always been very attention-seeking and never really grew out of it, he's about to turn 5 and still won't do anything on his own for more than 5 mins. As I type I have set him a challenge to not disturb me (whinge, ask for my help, pull at me, deliberately wake his sister, destroy something in order to make me angry) for 20 mins. He could choose to do anything he wanted. He lasted 2 mins before tugging at me, and I am currently ignoring his whinging 3 ft behind my right ear. He's not bad or difficult as such, he just needs to have attention all the time and will do anything at all to get it. (He just thumped me on the shoulder and cried "I can't do it" then sobbed until I looked at his jigsaw).

Easter holidays with DS and a new DD was so horrible I booked him into summer holiday activities for 5 weeks. My mother said I was very hard work too, which is why she waited until I had started school before having DS and booked me into every school holiday activity available. IMO it would be a good idea for you to have some sort of extra help in place before you have a second or you will struggle. I find it incredibly difficult and tiring on non-school days. If your DS is extrovert would he enjoy going to nursery? Would you consider/afford a nanny-share with another family with a child a similar age to your DS? IME he will not see the new sibling as a little friend for quite a long time, but will see him/her as competition for your attention.

(DS has just wandered off to wake DD under the pretence of needing to go for a wee.)

Hi it sounds like you are finding it difficult. I think your husband is right as i can not see that it should be so hard with just one child.

Depression does make every day things so much more challenging I had post natal depression after my second and it was so hard.
It was the same thing i could not bare to be in the house as i was just not coping it was much easier to be out and about i went to playgroups every day morning and afternoon only home for naps then dinner and bed.

you obviously have to decide with your husband what is best for your family, all I can say was having one child was a wonderful experience and having more than one a nightmare a lot of the time.

I only had PND for a short time after my dc2 was born nw he is 2.6 but i would say having two only makes things harder.

I would not change it though as we were lucky to have a girl and a boy 21 mnths apart and now they can grow together and we are not having anymore (I THINK)

I would advise you to go and have a chat with the doctor as you have nothing to loose.xx

While not wishing to doubt others' suggestions that you might be depressed, it could also be your DS and not you. It certainly is in my case as I'm having a completely different experience with DD, but still dread having a full day with DS. Also I couldn't have had PND as the DCs are adopted.

I definitely disagree with msdevine, it is entirely possible for it to be this hard with just one child depending on the child.

I think its harder if you are used to be being "good" at other things, academically, work etc etc.

I dont meant this arrogantly but until I had my DD (16 months) I had never found anything "hard" and looking back my life had been very easy/enjoyable/content.

I dont think that I have PND and I actually want another baby but I think its just so hard to be a parent, especially if your child is shall we say "active and highly spririted" as I call my DD!